Brian and Carey

by Colin Sherman

  Pros:

  going out with best friend

  not having to get to know someone from scratch

  already have tons in common

  can stare at Brian all I want

  live close to each other

  Brian has an amazing body

  He blushed when he re-read the last one. But he had to be honest with himself. As much as he liked Brian for the person he was inside, Carey was very attracted to how he looked on the outside as well. He sighed when he looked at the other list.

  Cons:

  Brian might not feel the same

  could ruin our friendship to tell

  if we go out and it doesn’t work, friendship ruined

  going to different colleges in a year–long distance relationship

  get picked on more

  it’s fun to get to know someone new–don’t get to

  having to tell my dad

  Carey bit his lip. One more in the negative column than the positive. And it was a big one. When he thought about what it would be like to go on dates with Brian, or hold hands with him walking to the park, or kissing him in the back seat of a car, he usually forgot to take the rest of the world into consideration. It made him angry that he had to. But he wouldn’t be able to do all those things with Brian behind his father’s back. It would be too hard to sneak around, and it wouldn’t be fair to Brian either.

  He rested his chin in the palm of his hand. Judging by his lists, Carey decided that the best thing, for all of them, would be to get over his crush and move on. He resolved to try and find someone else he could like. Maybe not as much as he liked Brian, but a lot.

  That night, after dinner, Robin texted him. They went back and forth for a while, then Carey suggested they walk to the Elm Street Park. The weather was unusually mild for late March, so they took advantage.

  They sat on a bench and talked about different things, avoiding the subject of Carey’s love life, or lack thereof. She told him about the recent environmental trip her club went on, and he told her about the upcoming music trip. He and Brian were supposed to share a room with two other boys. It was the first time in years that the chorus and the band went to the same place for competition.

  Robin cocked her head to the side. “Boys don’t mind sharing a room with Brian?”

  “Well, it was kind of hard to find two more to room with,” he admitted. “We’re staying with a couple of freshmen. They don’t know Brian, so maybe they don’t know he’s gay. It’s not like he’s going to molest them or anything.”

  “I know that,” Robin laughed. “But guys always seem to think any gay guy would go after them.”

  “It doesn’t matter really. The room is just for sleeping. We’re going to be too busy at the competition and sightseeing during the day.” Carey smiled. “Brian is beyond excited to go see La Bohème. Since there are so many of us, there are two shows to choose between. I kind of wanted to see Wicked, but Brian begged me to go see the other show with him.”

  “You’re a good friend,” she said. “I hope he knows how lucky he is to have you. I hope when you tell him how you feel, he jumps at the chance to go out with you.”

  Carey looked down as he picked his nails. “I’ve decided not to say anything.”

  “What? Why not?”

  “It’s too complicated. If he’s freaked out, I could lose him as a friend altogether. I don’t want that. So, I’m . . . moving on.”

  “You’re just going to forget that you’ve had a crush on him for, what, years? Can you do that?”

  “I have to. I’ll find somebody else to have a crush on.”

  Robin smiled. “I don’t think that’s how crushes work. You can’t make yourself get a crush on someone.”

  Suddenly, Carey leaned over and kissed her. Though surprised, she didn’t push him away the Brian did. He stopped kissing her when he realized he was thinking about Brian instead.

  “What was that for?” she asked.

  “I . . . I’m an idiot?”

  Robin laughed.

  “Everyone says we’d make a great couple,” he told her.

  “We do,” she a replied. “A great couple of friends.”

  “God, what is wrong with me?”

  “Nothing,” she smiled. “Except that you’re not Robbie Crenshaw. And I’m not Brian. So, there’s no point in trying to make something different out of us just because everyone else thinks we’d make a great couple.”

  Carey nodded. “You know, if I try hard enough, I could probably alienate everyone I know by kissing them.”

  She laughed again. “You didn’t alienate me. It was actually a learning experience. A sort of experiment.”

  “Leave it to you to make a science project out of a kiss.”

  “Well, at least now we know that there’s not really any chemistry between us.”

  “That bad, huh?”

  Robin smiled. “No, it was very nice. But let’s face it, we were both wishing the other was someone else.”

  Carey nodded.

  “Well, I think Robbie Crenshaw is an even bigger idiot than me, if he doesn’t notice you. And I’m really not just saying that. I’m lucky to have you as a friend.” He leaned his head on her shoulder, and she put her arm around him.

  “Me too.”

  ◆◆◆

  The music trip came and went. Carey conceded that he enjoyed La Bohème very much. Almost as much as watching Brian’s expressions as he watched. The two freshmen they shared a room with were a little apprehensive, having found out that Brian was gay. But they tried their best to be cool about it, and remained fully dressed, including shoes, when they went to sleep.

  Having slept over one another’s house countless times, Brian and Carey were comfortable changing into pajamas, and sharing a bed. Though, at one point, Brian rolled over a little too close and mumbled in his sleep, waking Carey. He had a difficult time falling back to sleep with Brian’s hand resting against his side. He supposed he could have moved away slightly, but he enjoyed the feeling of the accidental closeness. There were all sorts of opportunities for getting close like that. Brian wasn’t one to shy away from human contact and thought nothing of hugging or touching someone else, innocently, of course. Carey took full advantage of that.

  Keeping his secret was getting harder and harder to do, though. But he had to. Brian and Mark had gone out a number of times, and after each date, Brian seemed to be more and more smitten.

  Carey stood by his decision not to confess his feelings for Brian. He did, however want to tell him of his feelings in general. Finding an opportune moment was the hard part. How does one casually fit coming out into a conversation? In his head, Carey came up with countless scenarios, but none seemed plausible. He thought perhaps he should wait until his relationship with Mark cooled a little. Brian’s head was always in the clouds anyway. Carey didn’t know if he would even pay attention to him.

  In the back of his mind, Carey knew they were all just excuses. He was procrastinating. Eventually, it would all bust wide open.

  Chapter 9

  A few weeks after Brian’s first date with Mark, he and Carey walked home from school on a Friday as usual. Things between them had gotten back to normal, on the outside. Carey still felt his secret hanging awkwardly over his head whenever they were together. And he was getting tired of hearing about Mark, whom Brian hadn’t actually mentioned in the past few days.

  “Hey, you wanna come over tonight?” Brian asked. “I’m thinking of getting that game, Soulless Corpses.”

  “You’re not going out with Mark?”

  “Um, no.”

  Carey stopped walking. “What’s wrong?”

  Brian sighed and turned around. “We’re not going out anymore.”

  “Since when?” Carey asked. “What happened?”

  “Nothing. You were right, though. He wasn’t right for me,” Brian admitted. He began to walk again, and Carey followed.

  “I’m not happy I was right,” Carey offered. �
��Did he do something?”

  “Not really. I mean, he’s just different than me. I’m just an old fashioned girl at heart,” Brian joked. His expression became more serious. “He made me feel kind of stupid, though.”

  “Why? What did he do?” Carey asked cautiously. He wasn’t happy that Brian got hurt, but he was glad he wasn’t seeing Mark anymore.

  “He’s a lot more experienced than me. He thought . . . well, he assumed we were going to . . . you know.”

  Carey’s eyes widened. “He wanted you to have–” he looked around and lowered his voice to a whisper. “He wanted to have sex?”

  Brian nodded.

  “You didn’t do anything you didn’t want to, right?”

  “No. But he got a little mad that I wouldn’t even touch him. He called me a baby.”

  “I’m sorry,” Carey said. “I always knew he was a jerk.”

  Brian shrugged. “Maybe I was being a baby. I mean, I’m seventeen and I haven’t done anything but kiss, one guy.”

  Carey frowned. Obviously, Brian didn’t even count his kiss with Carey.

  “You’re not a baby,” Carey told him. “You were only going out for a couple of weeks. That’s not long enough to know if you want to . . . you know, do stuff with someone. Is it?”

  “Mark thought it was.”

  “Then screw him,” Carey said, then laughed at the irony of his statement. Brian laughed too.

  “So, you want to come over then?”

  “Sure. I’ve been wanting to try that game.”

  The pair walked the rest of the way home together, talking about video games and movies. Carey went home first, as always and Brian kept going. Walking into his house, Carey felt like things were finally getting back to normal for real.

  “Carey? Is that you?” his mom called from the garage.

  “Yeah, Mom.”

  “Could you come here for a second?”

  He wandered into the garage to see his mother on her tip toes trying to reach something on a shelf.

  “I hate being short,” she said. “Can you get that crock pot down for me?”

  “Sure.” Carey put his backpack down and picked up the crock pot without having to go on his toes. “You’re not that short, Mom.”

  “Short enough.”

  “What are you making?” he asked, looking at the crock pot.

  “Pulled pork for tomorrow night.”

  “Ooh. I love that.”

  “Do you want to invite Brian to eat with us?” Jeannie asked.

  “Mom, stop.”

  “What?” she smiled.

  “Stop playing matchmaker. Brian and I are back to the way things were before, and it’s good.”

  “Okay. But you can still invite a friend for dinner. That’s all I’m saying.”

  Carey carried the crock pot into the kitchen and placed it on the counter. “Yeah, okay,” he said without looking at his mother. “What’s for dinner tonight?”

  “Fend for yourself night,” she replied. “There are leftovers in the fridge, or there’s always cereal. Your dad and I are having dinner with Phil and Marie.”

  “Is it all right if I go over to Brian’s house tonight? He’s getting a new game.”

  “Of course.”

  He went back into the garage to get his backpack. On his way to the stairs, his mother called to him.

  “Carey? Sometimes, it’s good to get things off your chest.”

  “I know.” He bit his lip.

  He went up to his room and dumped his backpack in the corner. There was homework to be done, but he’d probably wait until Sunday night to do it. He took a book from his shelf and opened to the page containing the picture of him looking at Brian. He was still embarrassed by how goofy he looked. But the image of Brian laughing was irresistible. He folded the picture backward in half so he could only see Brian.

  “That’s better,” he said to himself.

  My face is so stupid looking anyway, he thought. Pale, pale and more pale. Why would he be interested in me, even if he knew?

  He sighed and replaced the photo, and the book. Knowing that dinner was whenever, and whatever he could find, he decided to take a little nap. He’d just grab a bowl of cereal at home and snack at Brian’s house.

  ◆◆◆

  “Hey,” Carey said, walking into Brian’s room.

  “Hey.”

  “How’s the game?” Carey asked, sitting down on the gaming chair next to Brian.

  “Just started,” he answered. “It’s faster than I thought. I already died three times.” He laughed. He pushed the reset button, so they could both play.

  They played for hours, taking breaks to go down to the kitchen for food and drinks. At one point, Carey noticed that Brian was flexing his left hand a lot.

  “Is your arm still bothering you?”

  “Huh?”

  “The arm that got broken,” Carey gestured. “Does it still hurt?”

  “Oh,” Brian looked down. “Sometimes it feels a little stiff. I should probably stretch it more than I do.”

  Carey frowned, thinking about the circumstances under which his arm got broken. Circumstances like that were what had kept Carey in the closet. He watched Brian shrug off the stiffness in his arm and change the subject as he suggested they play one of the older game systems for laughs.

  He followed Brian up the stairs, the whole while mulling over the fact that, though he was a small wisp of a thing, Brian didn’t let the bullies keep him down. Physically and figuratively, they knocked him down, but he never stayed there. Carey admired him more than just about anybody. By the time they reached the room and settled into the gaming chairs, Carey had made up his mind. He was ready to tell Brian his secret. One of them, at any rate.

  “Brian?”

  “Yeah? What game do you want to play?”

  “I don’t care.”

  Brian picked one out. “How about this?”

  “That’s fine.” Carey’s heart started to beat faster as he geared up to broach the delicate subject.

  Oblivious to Carey’s plight, Brian put the game in and used his controller to set it up.

  After playing in silence for a while, Carey felt more and more uneasy. Brian didn’t seem to notice Carey’s nervousness. But Carey thought that if he dragged it out any longer, he would burst.

  “Brian?”

  “Yeah?” He smiled.

  “I have something to tell you.”

  “What?” Brian continued to play.

  “It’s important.” Carey put down his controller, and of course, his avatar was bitten by a zombie.

  “Hey, what are you doing? You just gave up.”

  “I need to talk to you.”

  Brian frowned and put down his controller. His avatar’s arm was ripped off, ending the game.

  “Okay. You look so serious,” Brian commented.

  “It is serious. I guess. Maybe I’m making too big a deal about this.”

  “Just tell me,” Brian said.

  Carey took a deep breath. “I’ve been keeping something from you, but I’m ready to tell now.”

  “You’re kind of scaring me. You’re not dying or anything are you?”

  Chuckling, Carey shook his head. “I didn’t mean to make it sound so bad. It’s . . .wow, this is harder than I thought. I’m not sure how to say it.”

  “Just say it. Quick, like taking off a Band-Aid,” Brian suggested.

  “Okay.” Carey swallowed. “I’m . . . not really straight.”

  “Not straight about what?”

  “I’m not straight.”

  “I don’t understand,” Brian said.

  “I’ve been keeping it from everyone. I’m sorry.”

  Brian’s brow furrowed. “Wait, you mean straight as in het? So, you’re gay all of a sudden?”

  “No, not all of a sudden. I’ve felt this way for a long time. But I’ve known for sure since about seventh grade.”

  “Seventh grade?” Brian scratched his head. “But you dat
ed Gina. I thought you really liked her.”

  “I did. I like girls. But I like guys too.”

  “Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

  Carey sighed. “Because I’m a chicken. I’m not like you. Though, I wish I was.”

  “Yeah, right.” Brian laughed.

  “I’m serious,” Carey said. “You’re so brave to be who you are, even though people make fun of you and try to beat you up. I didn’t want to get picked on.” He hung his head.

  “So, all this time, we could have been . . . talking about cute boys and stuff?” Brian said excitedly.

  Carey smiled. He had to admit to himself that he hoped Brian was going to finish that sentence differently. He glanced at Brian to find him staring intently.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. I’m just trying to see if you look gayer now that I know.”

  Carey squirmed under the scrutiny and looked away.

  “Nope. You’re definitely not a flamer. But I can’t believe I never noticed. You must be really good at acting.”

  “Yeah. I guess.”

  “Seriously,” Brian said. “I mean, I don’t think I ever even caught you looking at another guy. You should have slipped up at least–” His smiled dropped.

  Looking to see why Brian stopped talking, Carey realized that he’d probably figured it out.

  “You didn’t kiss me because you felt bad for me, did you?”

  “Uh . . .”

  “Shit.” Brian stood suddenly.

  Neither one spoke. The only sound in the room was the video game intro playing over and over. Carey looked down at the floor while Brian looked down at Carey.

  “I don’t know what to say,” Carey said quietly.

  “How about telling me why you kissed me?”

  Carey stood to face Brian. He was only able to look him in the eye for an instant. “I, um, did it for the usual reason.”

  “That’s why you didn’t want to tell me about your crush.” Brian groaned. “It’s me.”

  “I should go.”

  Disappointed with the way the entire conversation went, Carey made a move to leave.

  “Carey, wait.”

  He turned, hopeful.

  “For real?” Brian questioned.

  Carey nodded.

  “I don’t know what–”

  “You don’t have to say anything,” Carey said. “I know it’s crazy.”