All I've Waited For

by Lindsay Harrel

  “You’re not the first one to suggest that I may have a failing in my inability to say no.”

  “Well, like I said. We all have our failings.” He grinned at her. “Except for me, of course.”

  Now the water came flying at him, and he let loose a surprised laugh as the cold hit his face. He had to rein in the impulse to grab her around her waist and fling her into the water. “Watch it.”

  “Just trying to keep you humble.” She laughed, then grew quiet. “Do I have a savior complex, Derek?”

  “I thought that was me.”

  “Maybe it’s both of us.” Ashley stopped walking and turned to watch the water for a moment. “Seriously, though. I’m always the first one to step up and volunteer if no one else does. I don’t refuse anything if someone asks, even when I probably should. Right now I’m swimming in responsibilities and yet if a family member or friend asked me to help them in some way, I’m not sure I could find it in me to say no.”

  “Like you said, you just love people. Ash, you’re one of the most selfless people I know. And that’s great. But maybe try putting yourself first sometimes.”

  “And what exactly would that accomplish?” She walked back up the beach a bit, plopping onto the dry sand.

  He joined her, making sure to put a good foot between them. “I don’t know. You’d actually get what you want?”

  Ashley rubbed her elbows, a faraway look in her eyes. “That’s just not how it works for me.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Biting her lip, she glanced at the full moon hovering above them. “Ever since I was a kid, I’ve known that it’s easier to help other people get what they want than to fight for what I do.”

  “Example?”

  She paused for a moment. “Okay. When I was eleven years old, it was my birthday weekend. And you know my mom—she always made a huge deal out of birthdays, letting me and Ben pick our own meals and our choice of activity on our special day.” Ashley tugged her knees against her chest. “All I wanted to do was go as a family to see the latest Disney movie at the theater. But Ben was invited to a friend’s birthday party, and Dad had something come up with his construction business, and Mom had to help him. She said we’d reschedule, and we did celebrate with pizza and a cake the next weekend, but we never saw that particular movie until it came out on video.”

  It must have been a powerful memory for her to still talk about it with such resignation in her voice. “That stinks. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s just how it is.” Finally, she glanced at him. “Now it’s your turn. Why do you feel like you have to fix everything for people?”

  “Guess I haven’t really psychoanalyzed myself.” He paused a beat. “But if I had to hazard a guess, it probably started when Mom left. Dad was a shell of himself for a long time, and the girls were too young to help out, so I just started learning the business and doing what I had to do to get us through.”

  “Weren’t you only nine?”

  “Ten.” It was so long ago, and yet like Ashley, he recalled certain things with aching clarity. “I remember one time when I was working with the cellar rats, trying to heft this barrel, and I just couldn’t do it. As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, I started crying really hard. Jorge found me. He placed his hand on my shoulder, looked me in the eyes, and told me that someday, I was going to be the man of the house. And that, while it was okay to cry in private, I needed to be strong for my sisters.”

  “What an awful thing to say to a kid whose mom had just left.”

  He smiled at the way her spine had stiffened in defense of his childhood self. “But he was right. From then on, if I didn’t know how to do something, I figured it out. That made me strong.”

  “There’s nothing weak about asking for help, you know.”

  “That’s probably something we both need to learn.”

  “Hmm.” She laid her head on her knees, her face turned toward him, lips tipped downward.

  And man, what he wouldn’t give to turn that frown the other way. To see her light up, the spunky woman he’d always known her to be.

  A plan formed in his mind. “I know we don’t have a movie theater in town and that I’m not your family and it’s not even your birthday. And at the risk of sounding like Mr. Fix It, I’m going to ask you a question. I want you to answer as honestly as possible.” He inclined his head toward her. “Ashley Baker, what do you want, right here, right now?”

  “What?”

  “I mean it.” He waggled his eyebrows. “The world is your oyster—which is a terrible metaphor, by the way, because oysters are disgusting.”

  She laughed, her eyes twinkling. There was that spark. Now to coax it out.

  “For real, though. What do you want to do tonight? Call up the old gang for a game night? Go for a run? Hit the theater in San Luis?” Okay, probably shouldn’t have suggested that last one—sounded too date-like. “I’ll do anything. Whatever you want.”

  “Anything?” And man, the look in her eyes, the grin curling her lips, had turned slightly wicked.

  It was entirely too attractive.

  Friends, friends.

  “Anything. So what’ll it be, Baker?”

  “I want to swim.”

  He couldn’t help the laugh bubbling up in this throat. “It’s May. Your parents’ pool will be freezing.”

  “No, no, no.” She pointed to the ocean. “I want to swim out there.”

  “You’re nuts.”

  “Chicken?”

  Derek scoffed. “Hardly. But it’s against the rules to swim after sundown.”

  “Only if we get caught. Besides, we’ll be in and out before anyone notices us.”

  Derek tilted his head. “Why do you want to do that?”

  “I don’t know.” She fiddled with her earlobe, shoulders deflating a bit. “Forget I said anything. It’s dumb and impulsive and—”

  “No, no, no.” He was definitely going to regret this. “We’re doing it.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, really.” He stood and offered her a hand up.

  She tugged him toward the water. “I can’t believe you’re honestly going to do this.”

  Her hand felt warm in his. Friends, friends.

  He forced a smile. “I said I would, didn’t I?”

  And Derek was a man of his word.

  Even when he really didn’t want to be.

  Amazing how a dip in fifty-something-degree water could make a girl feel all warm and toasty inside.

  Ashley dried her hair with the beach towel Derek had pulled from the back of his Jeep after their illicit swim. “That was awesome.” She sat back against the passenger’s seat while heat pumped through the vents. A few empty food wrappers littered the ground at her feet.

  He eyed her. “Yes, it was quite refreshing when you chose to dunk me in the frigid ocean.”

  “You loved it.” She snorted at the memory.

  He’d come up sputtering, barking with laughter. “You little—”

  And then he had dived for her. She’d done her best to outswim him, but he was strong, easily catching up and snatching her around her waist before tugging her under. Her eyes had burned from the salt, and her skin had prickled from the cold, but she hadn’t felt that alive in a long time.

  “It was more fun than I thought it’d be. But only because I got you back.”

  “Only because I let you.” She ran her fingers through her tangled hair. “Now that wasn’t so hard to admit, was it? Derek Campbell actually knows how to have fun.”

  “Shh, don’t tell.”

  “I wouldn’t dare.”

  She studied Derek while he drove the short distance to her office. The stars and moon from outside the windshield illuminated the smooth planes of his forehead, and oh, he was the most handsome man she’d ever known.

  Her mouth went dry. “Thanks again for doing that just to make me feel better.” She swallowed. “You’re a good friend.” Because that’s what they were.


  Friends.

  And if she wanted him in her life, she’d have to be content with that.

  “Anytime.” His hands seemed to tighten around the steering wheel, but no, Ashley was reading too much into it, projecting her own feelings onto him.

  They rode the rest of the way in silence, and by the time his Jeep pulled up to the front, the clock read eight-thirty-two. All Ashley wanted to do was tell him to turn around and take her home instead, but a stack of work a digital mile long called her name. She’d never be able to sleep after that swim anyway—after all the ways it had awakened something in her, something she’d been trying to tamp down since the day Derek had returned.

  She turned to him. “Thanks for the ride.”

  Unsnapping his seatbelt, he reached for his door handle. “Let me walk you in.”

  “You really don’t need to do that.”

  “I’ll make sure no one is inside who shouldn’t be.” At her quirked eyebrow and what she hoped was a dubious look, he shrugged. “That’s what a friend would do, right?”

  Why fight it? When Derek got his mind on something, half the time it was better to just go with it. “Okay.”

  They both climbed out of the SUV and walked up the sidewalk toward the darkened Whimsical Weddings storefront. Ashley snagged her keys from her purse, unlocked the door, and stepped inside.

  “You walking ahead of me kind of defeats the purpose of my offer.” Derek followed her, then shut the door behind them.

  “Sorry to spoil the fun, Rambo, but I don’t think there are any bad guys here.” Her eyes adjusted quickly to the dark, and she maneuvered to the back where her office was located. Pushing open her door, she flicked on the light.

  Ashley turned to invite him back, but ran into his chest instead. “Oomph!” Despite their damp clothing, heat radiated from him.

  “Sorry.” She pulled away, fleeing to the safety of her desk chair.

  “No worries.” He stood in the doorway, half in the room, half out. “I guess everything is okay here. I’ll just go.”

  “Okay.” Her heart ached with fullness—so much she wanted to say but couldn’t. “Thanks again.”

  “Anytime.” There was that word again, but it wasn’t true. In just under two weeks, he’d marry Claire, and then there would be no more “anytimes.” At least not for Ashley.

  “I’ll see you later.” As if on autopilot, her fingers moved to her mouse and she forced her attention onto her computer screen. Several emails sat unread. One caught her eye, and she clicked it open, scanning it quickly. “Wait a second. Can you come to take a look at this?”

  Derek rounded the desk and leaned down just over her shoulder to look at the screen. He smelled like fresh breezes and salt and … danger. “What is it?”

  “This is the music setlist the DJ just sent over. Would you mind making sure there’s nothing you want to ax or add?”

  “I don’t mind.”

  “Great.” She waited a split second, then eased out of the chair. “Here. Sit.”

  They exchanged places, and she paced while he looked over the Excel document. After a few seconds, he looked up. “I don’t know half of these songs.”

  “Really?” Made sense, actually. Derek had always been a classic rock kind of guy. “Like what?”

  “I don’t know.” He pointed to the screen. “Like this one. ‘Happy’ by Pharrell Williams? Sounds kind of childish.”

  “Oh, that one’s fun. It was on the radio all the time when it came out.”

  His lost look and shrug made her giggle. She pulled her phone from her purse and navigated to one of her music apps. “Here, I’m sure you’ve heard it.” After she found the song and hit Play, the peppy beat pumped throughout the small room. Ashley lifted her hands in the air and swayed her hips to the music. “Ringing any bells?”

  “Nope. Sorry.” But he didn’t look sorry. He looked amused, his lips twisted in a grin, eyes laughing at her.

  “You’re hopeless.” Ashley kept moving. “How can you sit there when this fun song is playing?”

  “I’m having a lot of fun just watching you.”

  With a laugh, she yanked him out of the chair. “Too bad. Come on. Show me your best moves.”

  “Ash, you’re crazy. I don’t dance.”

  She pretended to hold a fake microphone and sang into it, still bouncing, one arm lifted in the air like she was a gospel singer. “Dude, you’re getting married soon and there will be dancing. You’ve got to figure it out.”

  “The only move I know is the shopping cart.”

  “I’m sorry, the what?”

  “You know.” He held his arms straight out and waist high, walking in place. Then he reached one arm up at a time, pretended to grab something on an imaginary shelf, and threw it down. “The shopping cart.”

  Ashley folded in half with laughter. “That’s the best thing ever.” Then she straightened. “But can you do the sprinkler?” Placing one hand behind her head and the other straight out, she pulsed the second arm around in a half circle.

  Now it was Derek’s turn to guffaw. “You look ridiculous.”

  They alternated dance moves until the song ended, slinking into a soft ballad randomly chosen by the music app on her phone.

  Ashley’s ribs ached from laughing. “You’re a natural.”

  “Yeah, well.” Derek leaned back against the desk, cheeks red. His black T-shirt had mostly dried by now, but the ends of the sleeves still clung to his biceps. “I’m not quite sure that’s the kind of dancing I should do at the wedding.”

  The wedding.

  Like the waves from earlier this evening, reality crashed back in. Ashley sucked in a ragged breath, then coughed. “You’ll be fine.” A beat. “I could teach you.”

  Eek. Why had she said that? That was a very bad idea. Worse than swimming in freezing cold water with a former flame.

  Derek pushed off the desk, advancing a step toward her. “You want to teach me to dance?”

  Ashley found herself nodding. “I mean, I don’t have to. But it’s not really that hard.” A nervous chuckle bubbled up from her chest. “You just put your arms around each other and sway. Nothing to it.”

  He drew closer, encircling her waist with his strong arms. “Like this?” His voice was low, throaty.

  Their gazes collided, and her whole body flooded with want for him, needing him.

  Needing to feel his lips on hers.

  Needing to belong to him.

  But she didn’t belong to him. Claire did.

  Then again, she’d never seen him look at Claire the way he was looking at her right now.

  “Mm-hmm.” She looped one arm around his neck. The other hand found its way to his cheek. Slowly, she trailed her traitorous fingers over his beard, the bristles like tiny needles against her skin.

  “Ash.”

  She froze, sensing the serious nature of his tone. She’d gone too far. Ashley started to drop her hand, but he caught it and gently placed it back where it had been.

  Ashley swallowed hard. “Yeah?”

  “Then what do we do?” A pause, a searching of her eyes. “Sway?”

  At her nod, he started to move them in a circle. The slow music poured from the phone, encouraging them on. Ashley’s nerves fired in every direction, her heart pitching against her chest in a rhythm at least twice as fast as the song.

  Derek’s arms tightened around her waist, pulling her closer. “You’re a good friend, Ashley.”

  She stopped moving, dropped her arms, withdrew, the back of her legs now pressing against the desk. The palms of her hands found the top of the desk as she sat on the very edge. The movement grounded her.

  Friends.

  Right.

  He closed the gap between them once more, leaning down, close. “I’ve been thinking about what you said. About how I shouldn’t marry someone without loving them.” Moving his head to the left, Derek’s lips now hovered above her ear. His warm breath puffed against her lobe, tickling her, making her shiver
. “About how I’ll regret it forever.” His mouth grazed the middle part of her ear.

  What was he saying?

  He drew back his head again, looking down at her, and licked his lips. “I can’t think with you so near.”

  “So stop thinking.” Instantly, she regretted the words. They were too bold, even if she’d been someone who was used to asking for what she wanted.

  But then Derek swooped in and kissed her, and Ashley’s whole body caught fire. A guttural moan bubbled up from her chest as his mouth burned a trail from her lips to her cheek to her ear to the curve of her neck. Both her arms hooked around him again and their mouths found each other once more, giving and taking in equal measure. Ashley pushed her hands through the sides of his hair, her fingers massaging the back of his head as she deepened the kiss. Pulling back slightly, she nipped at his ear. He growled with pleasure before turning his head and catching her lips again.

  Finally, they stopped. Both of them huffed air in and out, and the most delicious warmth curled through her as she laid her head against his chest. “I love you, Derek Campbell.”

  He didn’t say anything at first, and reality dawned as the music in the background shifted once more—this time to something dark, foreboding.

  She risked a glance up at him, and the pain in his gaze was enough to tear her in two.

  “Ash.”

  Shaking her head, she closed her eyes for only a moment. “Don’t say it.”

  He took a step back.

  Her hands flew to the desk once more for support, and the edge bit into her fingers. She gripped tighter, welcoming the pain.

  “I’m sorry.” His ragged whisper sliced into her resolve.

  But no, she wasn’t going to go down without a fight. Not now. Not after that. “Don’t do this, Derek. Don’t walk away.”

  He scrubbed a hand down his face. “I have to.”

  “Why?” She had a right to know that much—why he’d kissed her and why he was willing to toss aside the possibility of a life together.

  “The vineyard …” He looked away.

  “I just told you I love you, and all you can talk about is the vineyard?”

  “I—I can’t just forget about the vineyard.”