Ration

by Christina J Thompson

  Her mind finally acknowledged what her heart had recognized long ago, and it was no wonder her stomach had filled with butterflies from the moment she had first laid eyes on him. She felt like she was seeing him for the very first time despite all the weeks they had spent together, and she was utterly awestruck by the sight.

  He was the most beautiful man she had ever seen.

  Her eyes drifted over his features, taking in the wayward strands of dark, curly hair that rested on his forehead. The stubble of his beard had grown out since that first day, tracing around the curves of his jaw and framing his full lips. His skin was darker now, tanned from the hours spent in the sun, and the contrast caused the green of his eyes to take on an almost ethereal light. There was a kindness in his gaze that shone through the sadness on his countenance, a certain sparkle that looked as if he held all the understanding in the world within him, and a fresh wave of sobs rose up in her throat at the realization that that kindness was for her.

  He stood up, reaching for her hand to pull her to her feet. This time, he was the one to retrieve her light from the ground, and he led her to her room, clicking the light on and setting in in its alcove before kneeling down to get her clothes. Amber took them from his hand, and he turned his back just as he always did.

  She got into bed, facing away as he changed, then she felt his weight settle in beside her. Sorrow tugged at her heart when she felt his hand on her shoulder, and she allowed him to pull her closer, squeezing her eyes shut as he held her in his arms.

  ≈

  The ration replayed the night’s events in his mind, trying to shake the feeling that he had made a mistake as he listened to Amber’s breathing slow. He had known that she would react badly to tonight’s harvest, that much was obvious by the fear that had been in her eyes before she left, and part of him had almost been looking forward to it. It had been a test to a degree, a sign that he could reach out to her in a deeper way than the small gestures he had shown her thus far, but he hadn’t expected to feel so much regret now that it was done. He felt exposed, and it made him uncomfortable.

  He gazed down at her sleeping face. He had already crossed the line too many times over the weeks, and he knew that tonight he had finally gone past of the point of no return. Up until now, everything he had done could be explained away, even the rock he had given her could be cast in doubt. Not this. Going to find her at the grid was completely undeniable, not to mention his attempts to comfort her. Rations weren’t supposed to be capable of that level of comprehension.

  He thought back to when she had first spoken to him the night they walked home from the resource center. She had surprised him, and he had foolishly dropped his guard almost immediately. Even during those first few weeks, when she had seemed annoyed by his very existence, he could see something about her that had set his heart racing. She was different than the rest, not at all like he had expected a keeper to be, and he had taken an interest in her that he never should have allowed himself to take.

  He clenched his teeth, suddenly angry at himself. He should have never brought her the blanket that first time. But she had seemed so alone, just like he was, and he had forgotten that she was the enemy.

  The enemy.

  He smiled in amusement as she shifted in his arms, pulling herself closer to him, and he tightened his embrace. She had spent so many nights with her arms wrapped around him just like this without even realizing it, and it had taken everything in him not to return the gesture. Tonight, he was grateful that he could finally do so, almost as if there had been a pain in his chest from holding back that was now released.

  The truth was that he loved being near her, and her presence comforted him much as she had often said his presence did for hers. That’s not how someone should feel about an enemy, and in his heart, like he had so many times before, he wondered once again if that was really what she was.

  He knew that he had thrown her off-balance from the start, and he had found it funny to watch her stumble over herself when he did little more than look at her. He could see the turmoil in her mind as she tried to keep her feelings at bay, and if he were truly honest, he had seized upon that perceived vulnerability.

  He had marked his successes by the shade of red she would turn or the confusion in her eyes, and that’s what had ultimately emboldened him. He had been shocked that she hadn’t told anyone about him bringing her the blanket, and her invitation for him to sit with her in the afternoons defied all reason. Reading to him had been even more surprising, despite the fear he had felt during the week when she had stopped. And after her reaction tonight...she didn’t seem like an enemy. She seemed like a person, like she actually had a heart.

  He had watched her over the weeks, he had seen how attached she had become to him. Her mind had been changing, and now, he realized that he had wanted it to happen more than anything. He had wanted to show her more of himself, to be her friend despite the risk he was taking. He wanted to be someone to her, not just something.

  It had taken almost a week to gather up the nerve to give her the rock he had found, but in the end, doing so had driven him even closer to the point he had reached tonight. It had prepared him for more when she didn’t show her parents; it was proof that the secret meant something to her, proof that he meant something to her.

  Amber stirred, and the ration held his breath as she began murmuring in her sleep like she always did. A quiet sob shook her body—she was still crying even in her dreams, and he leaned his head forward to rest his cheek against hers. He closed his eyes.

  What now?

  He didn’t know the answer, he hadn’t thought past this moment. All he had hoped for was to see recognition in her eyes when she looked at him, but now that it had finally happened, he was at a loss. Should he show her the rest?

  He pursed his lips, contemplating for a moment before deciding against it. It was obvious that she already saw him as a person, but that didn’t mean she would choose him over her family. No, it was better to hold back.

  His thoughts shifted to tomorrow, and he felt a fresh wave of anxiety roll through his stomach. Would she treat him differently in the morning? He had once been excited at the thought of how their time together would change, but now it scared him. What if her father noticed? What if her demeanor changed so much that the secret would be seen?

  He tried to ignore the worry that raced through his heart. She would know better than to let it slip, her reaction to John’s snooping was evidence of that. At this point, she was already in too deep herself; she would be in trouble if anyone found out that she was aware of a ration’s cognizance and hadn’t told anyone.

  Besides, she didn’t want to lose him, that much was clear. The excuse she had given in response to his low weight had proven that. He cringed, remembering the fear that had raced through his veins when the weight had been announced. He would have to be more careful, especially since the next check was in less than two weeks.

  He sighed. He was so close to finally being done with this nightmare. The end was in sight, and that made him feel even more foolish for revealing himself now. He just had to make it through a few more weeks—provided, of course, he lived through tomorrow.

  He listened to Amber’s heartbeat, focusing on the sound. It was too late for regrets, what was done couldn’t be taken back. Tomorrow would happen no matter what, and his fear would do nothing to change the course of events that had been set into motion. He fell asleep, hoping that he hadn’t destroyed his only chance to live.

  †‡†

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Amber pulled the blanket over her head, trying to ignore the sunlight that streamed in through the ceiling. She didn’t want to get up, she didn’t want to face the day. She relaxed her body, counting each beat of her heart in hopes of forcing herself back to sleep, but despite her efforts, she couldn’t stave off the slow advance of consciousness as her thoughts gradually awakened.

  The events of the previous ni
ght flooded through her mind in a sudden, burning torrent, and her eyes snapped open as her stomach instantly turned. She glanced over, her gaze coming to rest on the ration. He was sitting on the ground where he always did in the mornings, waiting for her to wake with her work clothes in his hands, and embarrassment filled her heart. It seemed wrong to see him serving her like that now, and she rolled her eyes, mocking herself. How suddenly her feelings had shifted; just yesterday, she hadn’t thought anything of it.

  She got up, quickly crossing the floor to take her clothes from him. She wanted to say something, to tell him that it wasn’t necessary, but she still couldn’t manage to bring herself to speak to him. Not after last night, not after coming face-to-face with the true extent of her ignorance.

  Her cheeks flushed hot with shame as she began to change, thinking of what her father was doing at that exact moment. He would just be beginning the butchering process, and she cringed as a fresh wave of nausea rose up in her throat.

  Amber glanced away as the ration turned to face her. Tears welled up in her eyes, and she swallowed hard, fighting them back as she sat down and began portioning out the day’s supplements. She hoped the evidence of last night’s tears had faded with sleep; she didn’t want to have swollen eyes when she went to get the allotments, especially if John was there.

  She finished counting, gathering her nerve, and she finally managed to look at the ration. He was watching her intently, and he gave her a slight smile the moment his eyes locked with hers. She took a deep breath, trying to keep herself from losing control as she prepared to speak.

  “Do I…do I look like I’ve been crying?”

  A tear trickled down from her eye the moment the words left her mouth, betraying her, and the ration reached for his folded clothing that had been tucked beneath the shelf. He withdrew his flask from his pocket, opening the lid and filling it with the last of yesterday’s water before dipping the corner of his sleep shirt in it.

  “Don’t!” Amber gasped, her eyes growing wide. “You need it for yourself!”

  He ignored her, kneeling beside her and lifting his hand to wipe her cheeks with the damp fabric. She tried not to look at him, holding her breath until he was finished, and he leaned back a moment later to inspect her face.

  She gave him a questioning glance.

  “Better?”

  He nodded, and Amber let out a relieved sigh as she stood to her feet.

  “I have to go get the allotments,” she whispered, grabbing her flask. “Wait here.”

  He shook his head, and her heart sank.

  “I…I don’t want you to see. They’re harvesting right now.”

  He shook his head again, moving to stand as he put his flask in his pocket, and she could tell that he wasn’t going to listen. Part of her was grateful—she didn’t want to go alone.

  “Come on, then,” Amber muttered in defeat, standing up and beckoning to him as she walked out of her room.

  The ration followed her, his heart racing with nervous anticipation as they made their way into the settlement. He knew that he should have stayed behind, but he needed to see how she would react.

  He moved to Amber’s side, glancing at her face as he tried to read her expression, and he frowned to himself at the sight of the despondent misery he saw in her eyes. At least she wasn’t crying, but he was still worried that she would lose control of herself, especially if she caught sight of the ongoing harvest. He sighed as he looked away, hoping that his presence would do something to help keep her from inadvertently revealing the truth.

  He could smell the empty bodies of the dead rations as he and Amber approached the taps, and like always, he forced a blank expression. It scared him, though, and he had spent many nights fighting back tears at the thought of what lay in store for him. He didn’t want to die.

  They got in line, and John arrived a moment later.

  “Good morning,” he said, flashing a smile as he stepped closer.

  Amber opened her mouth, preparing to reply, but her voice instantly died in her throat. Her chin trembled, and she held her breath, avoiding John’s gaze as she quickly turned away from him.

  He frowned, cocking his head questioningly as he moved to stand in front of her.

  “You’re not still mad at me, are you?”

  She could feel him staring, and she swallowed hard.

  “Mad?”

  He nodded.

  “About the other day, remember? You got mad when I scared you.”

  It took her a moment to realize what he was talking about. She had completely forgotten.

  “It’s fine,” she mumbled. “It doesn’t matter.”

  John’s shoulders sagged with relief, but there was a forlorn look on his face. He heaved a quiet sigh.

  “It seems like I haven’t been able to do anything right with you lately, Amber. I’m sorry.”

  She shrugged.

  “It’s not your fault, John. I’ve just been tired, that’s all.”

  They fell silent, and Amber could hear the sharp snap of cracking bones ring out over the voices of the people ahead of her in line. In her mind’s eye, she could almost picture what her father’s bloodstained hands were doing; by now, he would have just finished removing the dead ration’s skin. Bile rose up in her throat, and she whispered a prayer, silently begging the line to move.

  She began tapping her finger against the side of her flask, and she concentrated on the sound as she tried not to imagine the flayed bodies that occupied the harvest tables. She gulped, fighting to hold her tears back as she glanced at the ration.

  The ration met Amber’s gaze for a moment, his heart skipping a beat at the sight of the panic in her eyes. She wasn’t going to make it much longer. He clenched his jaw and looked away, staring down at his hands as he drew a slow breath.

  The harvest station was only a few dozen feet away from the water taps, close enough for him hear the squelching of raw flesh as the rations’ corpses were butchered. It was unpleasant, but that part barely fazed him, and he sighed as he quickly tuned it out.

  The harvest itself wasn’t what scared him. He could get past the sickly sweet odor that rose up from inside the gaping torsos, and he wasn’t bothered by the harsh grating of knives scraped against bone or the wet thump of meat and organs being tossed into piles. It wasn’t even the thought of his own final moments that kept him awake at night, at least not entirely.

  Every living thing in existence had to die eventually, and by the time the dismemberment began, the rations were already long gone. That fact made the harvest process seem almost trivial in a way, but when the sound of excited voices drifted towards him from the harvest station, he felt his palms break out in a cold sweat.

  He cringed with dread. That was the part that struck fear into his heart: the happy laughter of the keepers.

  Their laughter served as a bitter reminder that his death wasn’t meant to be mourned. The end of his life would be celebrated, and his brief time in this world was designed to be forgotten. Only his final weight would be granted a place in someone’s memory; everything else that made him who he was would be erased, almost as if he hadn’t existed in the first place. He would disappear, never to be known, and no one would remember him.

  His throat began to ache as they moved forward in line, his gaze lifting to focus on Amber. She was the only person in the world upon whom he might make a lasting impression, but in his heart, he was certain that even she would eventually forget him.

  The thought terrified him, and he stared at her hand, concentrating on the sound of her fingers drumming against the side of her flask as he tried to stop thinking. She paused mid-tap, and he glanced up. It was finally their turn.

  Amber breathed a sigh of relief as she stepped forward to fill her flask. Her hands were trembling, and she tried to force them steady. A few drops of water spilled down the side of the bottle, turning the dust-covered surface slick, and her heart leaped into her throat as
it slipped from her grasp.

  John reacted instantly, snatching it midair.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, giving her a worried look.

  Amber nodded quickly, steeling her nerves as she took the flask from his outstretched hand. From what she could tell, she had only lost about a capful; it wouldn’t be replaced, and she would have been forced to go without water for the whole day had the rest of it spilled. She should have been unbelievably grateful for his quick reaction, but she could barely muster a smile.

  “Thanks,” she said, beckoning to the ration as she turned on her heel and headed for the food allotment line. “I’ll see you tomorrow, John.”

  She held her breath, hoping he wouldn’t follow, but she heard his pounding footsteps chasing after her a moment later. He jogged to her side, joining her in line and shifting his weight back and forth as he stood next to her. He seemed nervous.

  “Can I come by after work?” he finally managed to ask, his voice timid. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

  Amber clenched her teeth. She just wanted to be alone, but he couldn’t seem to grasp that.

  “I’m not really in the mood, John. It’s been a long week.”

  Disappointed darkened his face.

  “You’ve been acting so different the past couple months,” he said quietly. “Did I do something wrong? We used to spend so much time together but now it seems like you can’t wait for me to go away.”

  She shook her head.

  “No, of course not. I just…I’ve been worried about the quota, that’s all. We’ve been working a lot lately and we haven’t found much salt.”

  John scoffed.

  “And that’s why you’ve been so bothered around me? That’s why you don’t want to spend time with me anymore?”