Ration

by Christina J Thompson

  “I’m too tired after work,” Amber told him, turning her attention to the woman handing out food allotments. “Ordell, Amber, 487.”

  He pursed his lips, crossing his arms over his chest.

  “You really can’t spare an hour?”

  She glanced at him as she reached for the cakes of food.

  “The days are long, you know how it is.”

  “You’re right, I do,” John replied. “I work the same hours that you do, but I still want to see you.”

  Mica passed by with a whining Alex in tow, and she waved to Amber.

  “Hurry up, sweetheart, you need to get to the grid.”

  “I will, mom,” Amber called back, turning to leave, but John stepped in front of her, grabbing her arm to stop her.

  “I care about you, Amber. I just want things to go back to how they were.”

  That’s impossible, she thought to herself, grimacing as the dead ration’s face flashed through her mind. She swallowed hard.

  “Everything’s fine, John. Like I said, I’ve just been tired and worried.”

  “One hour,” he pleaded, following her as she began walking in the direction of home. “Don’t you remember how much fun we used to have? You used to look forward to hiding out in the empty house with me.”

  His blue eyes began to sparkle, and Amber felt her cheeks grow hot.

  “I…I have to go,” she said. “My dad is helping Frank Green this morning, I have to start at the grid alone.”

  “Let me come by after work, please?”

  “No, John, let it go.”

  Despair filled his face, and he set his jaw as if bracing himself.

  “You don’t like me anymore, do you?” he asked, his voice barely audible. “That’s really what this is about, isn’t it?”

  Amber stopped mid-stride, whirling around to face him as the last shred of her patience dissolved.

  “Just stop already!” she snapped. “I’m done with this, leave me alone!”

  She could see people glancing at her as they passed by; she was drawing too much attention to herself, and she cursed under her breath as she dragged John aside.

  “I want you to leave me alone!” she repeated, her voice hissing through her gritted teeth. “What part of that do you not understand?”

  “I don’t understand any of it, Amber! I thought we had something, I thought we were something!”

  “We’re just friends!”

  John reeled back as if she had punched him, his mouth dropping open.

  “Then why did you kiss me?”

  Amber gasped, shooting a glance at the ration. She could see the surprise in his eyes despite the blank look he managed to maintain, and she cringed with embarrassment.

  “Bye, John,” she croaked, spinning on her heel and walking away as fast as she could. Her face was burning beneath the ration’s stare, and for some reason, she almost felt like she had betrayed him somehow.

  Amber paused outside the door of her house, taking a quick breath as she tried to compose herself. Her mother looked up when she walked in.

  “Your allotment,” Mica said, handing the packet of meat to Amber. Amber froze, staring down at the dried strips as her eyes widened.

  “Don’t just stand there,” Mica prompted, shifting Alex’s weight on her hip. “You need to get to the grid, your father won’t be finished with Frank’s harvest for a few more hours.”

  Amber swallowed hard, taking the packet from her mother.

  “I know, I’ll leave once I’m done taking my supplements.”

  She went into her room and sat down, taking the first capsule and placing it on her tongue. The ration began doing the same with his, and she could feel him studying her as the piles grew smaller and smaller. She refused to look at him, quickly choking down the last capsule and filling her flask’s lid with water.

  She took a sip, her stomach growling in her ears. She was hungry, but as she glanced at the packet of meat, all she could see was the face of last cycle’s ration. Her throat closed up; she remembered his final moments, she remembered the way he had gone limp as the blood drained from his body. It was unbearable, and despite her hunger, there was no way she could handle eating another piece. She stood to her feet.

  The ration watched Amber cross to the other side of the room, waiting for her to open the plastic that held her food allotment. Instead, though, she placed it under her sleep clothes, hiding it from sight, and he furrowed his brow in confusion. She wasn’t going to eat.

  Part of him was awestruck by her reaction—impressed, even—but he knew she was being foolish despite her change of heart. She would make herself sick, and he frowned as he felt the cakes of his own food in his pocket. For a moment, he considered giving her one, but he knew he couldn’t. He was already shorting himself, he couldn’t spare any more.

  “Come on,” Amber whispered, beckoning to him. “It’s going to be a long day, we need to get started.”

  The ration stood up, moving to follow her. So far, the day was going nothing like he had expected.

  †‡†

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Amber ignored her father when he arrived at the grid, pretending to be focused on her work. He was in good spirits, whistling as he dug his course, and the sound grated in her ears. He didn’t speak to her at least, and for that she was grateful. Instead, she spent the day fighting back tears of remorse and the hunger pangs that stabbed through her stomach.

  The supplements that reduced the amount of food her body required could only do so much; she knew she would have to eat eventually, but just imagining the taste of dried meat made her feel even sicker that her empty stomach did. She thought of the ration’s food, wondering if he would trade her, and the very idea threatened to send her into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. It was insane to think that this is where she now was, that this is what she felt. Everything was the same, yet everything was different, as if the very essence of the world had inverted itself with the realization of a single piece of knowledge.

  She kept replaying the harvest over and over in her mind as the hours passed, her thoughts focusing on her father. She was sure that he had seen the ration’s response to the blade. She was at a distance and had seen it, but he had been up close and looking at the ration’s face. Surely he hadn’t missed it.

  Amber frowned. It didn’t matter. She knew that expecting him or anyone else to acknowledge what was happening was too much to ask. This was the price they paid for survival, and if anyone did know, they were content to pretend otherwise. Just as she had been; now that she looked back on it, she realized that the signs had been staring her in the face all this time, but it had taken her ration and his companionship to force her to see it. It was a painful truth to bear, but despite how much it hurt, she was grateful. She wouldn’t undo it for anything.

  The day finally ended, and Amber sighed with relief when her father announced that it was time to head back.

  “I’ll see you at home,” Richard said as he prepared to leave. “Make sure the ration puts the hauling sacks away.”

  “I will,” she answered, watching him go. She was glad he was gone, being near him bothered her.

  She glanced up as the ration came back from his final trip and descended into the grid. He returned the hauling sacks to their place, his eyes meeting hers as he beckoned to her, and she put her head down as she climbed the steps. This time, she was the one to follow behind him as they walked back to the house.

  Amber paused at the door, instinctively motioning for the ration to wait for her, then she cringed with realization as she quickly dropped her hand. He didn’t need her to tell him what to do, he never had. She spun on her heel and hurried inside, instantly feeling foolish as she thought back to everything she had ever said or done to him.

  A new kind of guilt flooded through her heart, almost equal to the shame she felt about being a keeper in the first place. She had treated him like an idiot this wh
ole time. He had known better all along, he had understood every condescending word and frustrated command, and that was just one of so many reasons for him to hate her. She sighed. She couldn’t blame him if he did, his hatred was the very least of what she deserved.

  She walked into her room and picked her book up, hesitating for a moment. She didn’t even know if the ration actually wanted to listen to her read, he might just feel like he had no choice. Disappointment washed over her at the thought, and she almost considered leaving the book behind before deciding against it. The next few hours would be spent in awkward silence without something to serve as a distraction.

  Amber stepped outside, nervously glancing towards the shaded spot where they always sat. The ration was leaning against the wall, waiting for her, and her heart fluttered at the expectant look in his eyes. She smiled in relief, her doubts of a moment ago instantly vanishing as she moved to his side. Maybe he didn’t hate her, at least not entirely.

  “John is probably mad enough to stay away for a while,” she said quietly as she opened the book. “But we’ll still need to be careful. Tap my arm if you see anyone coming.”

  She settled in beside him and found her place, clearing her throat as she began to read. She was grateful to have words to speak that weren’t hers; focusing on the thoughts of another person’s mind drowned out the sound of her own. As she read, she couldn’t help wondering once again what thoughts were going through the ration’s head.

  The ration listened to her read, losing himself in the story. It was a welcome distraction, but not strong enough to quiet the concerns that raced through his mind. The fact that they had made it through the day alleviated only a small fraction of his worry, and he furrowed his brow as his thoughts turned to the upcoming weight check. He had been seven pounds off on the last one, and he was sure he hadn’t gained any more in the two weeks that had gone by since. He would have to think of something soon.

  The light began to disappear from the sky, and he glanced up as Amber closed the book. Sitting with her in the dark was his favorite time of the evening, and he moved to the ground beside the house like they always did when the sun set, listening for the sound of her parents going to bed for the night. Her father’s breathing was the first tell; it would deepen and turn into a low rumble when he fell asleep, and her mother would stop whispering to Alex.

  The ration stood up, going to get the blanket. Before he went back outside, though, he stopped and took the packet of food from where Amber had hidden it under the sleep clothing, carrying it out with him. He placed the blanket over her shoulders, sitting down next to her and giving her a long look.

  Amber could feel him staring at her, and she purposefully avoided meeting his gaze. He had something in his hand, and she didn’t have to look to know what it was.

  “I don’t want it,” she sighed, looking up at the sky. He held it out to her, insisting, and she clenched her jaw. He was wasting his time; she was more stubborn that he was. Her stomach growled, and she cursed under her breath as she glanced at him

  “Why don’t you eat it?” she asked sarcastically. “I’ll trade you, three pieces of my food for one piece of yours.”

  The ration rolled his eyes. Her willingness to starve herself to death wouldn’t accomplish anything. Protesting didn’t matter anymore, not for the person whose dried flesh he now held in his hands, and it was pointless to allow the sacrifice to go to waste. He opened the plastic that held the strips of meat, fighting back the nausea that filled his stomach.

  He saw Amber’s eyes grow wide with shock as he lifted a piece of meat to his mouth and took a bite, chewing only twice before swallowing. He started to take a second bite, but she reached out to snatch the rest from him before he could.

  “Fine, dammit!”

  He grinned, shuddering as he took a sip from his flask. Seeing the surprise and horror on her face had almost been worth it. He watched her shove the pieces into her mouth, quickly offering her his flask when she gagged. She shook her head, digging out her own flask to wash the taste from her mouth as she glared at him.

  “Happy now?”

  He nodded, putting his arm around her as he tilted his head back. She leaned against him, muttering under her breath, then she sighed.

  “I don’t know what to do,” she whispered. “I don’t want you to die, but I don’t know how to stop it. There isn’t anywhere to hide you, not without water and food. It’s hopeless.”

  He pursed his lips, surprised once again by what she was saying. Helping to save him from the harvest would be dooming her family to starvation, and part of him didn’t believe she could possibly be serious.

  Amber pointed up at the sky, her demeanor instantly brightening.

  “There’s Leo, you can just barely see it!” she said excitedly. “There’s the sickle that makes up its head, and there’s its body!”

  She smiled, resting her head on his shoulder.

  “I love it when Leo comes out, it feels like I’m seeing a long-lost friend. The story isn’t very good, though. Hercules had to kill it because it was taking women prisoner, but I like to believe that once it was put up there, its heart changed and now it’s a protector lion instead.”

  The ration eyed her in amusement as she talked. Her imagination was enthralling to him; she really managed to see life up there in the sky despite the desolate emptiness of her surroundings. She made it seem magical, and he loved listening to her stories. He could understand why her little sister had been so excited to see the stars every night; with Amber telling the tales, it almost seemed real. He himself had been taken in by that same excitement, and he couldn’t wait for the moment the sun would set each day. It was even better than listening to her read.

  “The lion couldn’t be killed by weapons,” Amber continued, turning to make herself comfortable in his arms. “Hercules had to go in and do it by hand. I read a book about lions once, they were almost ten feet long! Can you imagine how big Hercules must have been to be able to kill a lion with his bare hands? But that’s the only way the lion would die. Zeus rewarded him by casting the body into the stars.”

  She laughed.

  “It’s a bit gruesome, if you think about it. I think if I did something like that, I would want something different to commemorate it. Then again, every person who ever looks at the stars will always see it, so maybe it wasn’t that bad of a reward. And even if everyone dies and no one is left to remember, the stars will never forget what Hercules did. The universe will never forget, even if it is just a story.”

  Her eyes sparkled in the moonlight, and the ration felt his heart skip a beat. He remembered those first few weeks with her before she had started spending time with him; her eyes had been so dull and lifeless every day from the moment she woke up until the moment she went to sleep. Not at all like they were now, she seemed alive in a way that he had never seen on anyone else’s face before. Even the keepers at the resource center, with all the food and water and comforts they could ever want, didn’t seem to have this kind of appreciation for something as simple as this.

  She made him feel important, and not just because of the time she spent with him. It was because he could tell that having his company made her happy, and it was obvious that happiness was not a common feeling in this world. Having the power to give someone happiness was no small thing, which he knew all too well.

  Until now, it was a feeling he himself had never experienced. All that time at the resource center had been plagued with fearful anticipation; there was no room for happiness in a place like that. He had never imagined that this is where he would find it, by a keeper’s side, and a twinge of sorrow stabbed through his heart. He would miss her, despite how unbelievable it seemed to admit.

  Amber shivered, and the ration beckoned to her as he stood to his feet. Sometimes he wondered if she would stay out here all night if not for his prompting, content to freeze to death as long as she had the stars for company. He could see her doing it, an
d he hoped she would still find something to be happy about when he was gone.

  †‡†

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  The thought of the ration’s harvest occupied Amber’s mind the next day at work, commanding all of her focus. She didn’t want to see him die, but aside from him somehow escaping, there was nothing she could do to stop it. Even if he did get away, where would he go? He was obviously a ration; he couldn’t just wander into another settlement and make himself a part of it, especially not once he was discovered missing. The resource center would put out an alert, and everyone would be on the lookout. Anyone who found a lost ration would get to keep a portion of its owner’s quota as a reward, so if there was any chance for him to survive, it would have to be far away from people.

  There were no settlements to the west, she was fairly certain of that. The drought and the death of the plants and animals that came with it had started along the coastlines, slowly creeping towards the center of the continent and wiping out life in its wake. People had moved as each area had withered into barren ground, scavenging what they could in the process and leaving little behind as they made their way inland.

  All of the resource centers followed the same pattern. There were dozens of them, forming an expanded circle on the map that coiled in on itself, and each was no more than a few days’ distance from the settlements located in between them. Their settlement was on the southern outskirts of the westernmost region, and from what she had been told as a child, getting lost due west would be deadly since there was no help beyond that point.

  The ration would likely be safe from other people if he went that way, but that also meant there wouldn’t be any food or water. Amber’s thoughts raced as she tried to come up with something, but one by one, every idea that occurred to her was dismissed. Sustenance, like in daily life, was the vital missing element, and there was no way to get around that.

  She sighed as she scooped out another shovelful of dirt, her stomach growling. She still hadn’t eaten her morning food, and she made a face as she remembered the ration taking a bite of one of the pieces of meat the night before. It had surprised and disgusted her, but now, as she thought about it, a new idea came to mind.