Ration

by Christina J Thompson

  “What are you thinking about?” Ayn whispered when it was safe.

  Amber shrugged.

  “My parents. They’re going to be devastated by what I’m planning to do.”

  “It’s not too late to change your mind.”

  “I don’t want to change my mind,” she told him, shaking her head. “But I feel like I’m ruining them.”

  “Then stay,” he said, inching a little closer to her. “I don’t want you to do something you’re uncomfortable with.”

  She scoffed, laughing to herself. The entire past few months should have been uncomfortable for her, from talking to him in the first place to planning to run away into the desert with him. So much had changed in such a short time, but oddly enough, she didn’t regret it. She had spent her entire life trying to stay alive, but now, in his presence, she willingly embraced the risk of death. It was maddening, yet she couldn’t seem to help herself.

  “I don’t think I would ever forgive myself if I didn’t go,” Amber said, giving him a meaningful look. “My parents will survive without me, but I would spend the rest of my life wondering what happened to you. I can’t stand the thought of not being with you.”

  Ayn quickly looked away, an unexpected wave of emotion washing over him.

  “Sometimes it’s still hard to believe that you think of me like that,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady as tears filled his eyes. “I never once dared to imagine being with someone like this.”

  She chuckled.

  “Believe me, I never thought this would happen, either.”

  “You planned on spending your life alone?”

  “I mean this,” she clarified. “You and me, that’s what I never thought would happen.”

  “Then what was your plan before?”

  Amber made a face, rolling her eyes.

  “I suppose I would have ended up marrying John, we were kind of…together. But not really, it’s not like we were an official thing. It’s hard to explain, but I never really liked him like that.”

  “You must have if you figured you would have ended up marrying him.”

  “He was just a good friend, I guess. It’s difficult to have anything more than that in a place like this.”

  Ayn gave her a sideways glance, a mischievous glimmer awakening in his eyes.

  “Did you really kiss him like he said?”

  Amber’s mouth dropped open, and she felt her face instantly turn red. He gasped, pointing at her in amusement, and she buried her face in her hands.

  “Why would you ask me that?” she moaned in embarrassment.

  “So you did!”

  “Shut up!”

  He grinned, scooting closer to her. She was too mortified to look at him.

  “I was bored,” she mumbled. “It was just something to do.”

  “Just something to do, huh?” Ayn laughed, and Amber could feel his breath tickle her cheek. “Is that why you kiss me, because you’re bored and just want something to do?”

  “No,” she whispered, peeking at him for a moment. The look in his eyes made her heart skip a beat, and he moved in front of her, prying her hands back so he could see her face.

  “That’s good to hear,” he said, feigning relief. “I don’t really like John much, but I can’t fault him for his interest. He’d have to be blind if he didn’t take notice of you.”

  She narrowed her eyes.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’re beautiful, that’s what I mean.”

  “I look like a boy!” Amber blurted out, blushing a deeper shade. No one had ever called her beautiful, not even John.

  Ayn’s mouth dropped open in shock.

  “You don’t know! You said you’ve never seen what you look like!”

  “But that’s what both of my parents say. I work like a boy and I look like a boy.”

  “Then they’re fools,” he scoffed, standing up to retrieve the chisel. “Look, I’ll show you.”

  He swept a level spot in the dirt in front of him and began to draw.

  Amber’s eyes grew wider and wider with each line he made; as he worked, the unmistakable shape of a face appeared, and he grabbed a handful of dust, sprinkling it around the top and brushing his fingers over it to make wisps of hair.

  He looked up at her and smiled.

  “See?”

  She stared at the image he had created, too stunned to say anything. The face was narrow, with a triangular jaw and almond-shaped eyes, and short, wavy hair framed the cheeks and ears. There was a line across one cheek, and she reached up, touching her own face to feel the scar she had gotten from falling off the edge of the grid as a child.

  A rush of self-conscious happiness flooded through her veins. She was pretty, she didn’t look like a boy at all.

  There was something else about the picture that struck her, and her mouth dropped open as a flash of memory passed through her mind.

  “Jude,” she breathed, her voice catching in her throat. “I…I almost look like Jude.”

  She hadn’t quite believed it when her mother had said as much, but now, seeing it for herself, there was an unmistakable resemblance.

  “Tell me what’s different,” Ayn said, poising his hand over the drawing. “I’ll make it look right if you can tell me what to change.”

  Amber’s heart felt like it was going to explode out of her chest at the thought, and her hands trembled as she pointed at the eyes, trying to remember.

  “They were smaller, and a little more round. And her jaw was squarish, but petite.”

  She watched him work, his hands moving quickly as he made little changes to the image, until she felt her breath disappear from her lungs. Tears stung her eyes; she was looking at a face she never thought she would ever see again.

  “That’s her,” Amber whispered, her heart aching. “Ayn, that’s her.”

  Her vision went blurry as a sob escaped her lips, and she buried her face in his shoulder.

  “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “No, it’s not that,” she said between halting breaths, lifting her head to look at the picture again. “I…I’ve been wishing to see her again for so long, and now…”

  Her voice trailed off, and he wrapped his arms around her, gently rocking her back and forth.

  “Every time there’s a shooting star, Ayn, this is what I wish for. Just to see her face one more time, and you…you…”

  He kissed her forehead as she sobbed, her chest aching with the tears she hadn’t been able to cry all those years ago. As each one fell, it seemed like a tiny bit of weight lifted from her shoulders.

  “Your eyes are going to be swollen,” Ayn quietly warned after a few moments, kissing her again. “I’ll still think you’re beautiful, but your parents will think something’s wrong.”

  Amber laughed through her tears, moving back and quickly wiping her face as she drew a breath.

  “Thank you, Ayn.”

  “Anytime,” he told her, reaching up and cradling her cheek. “You just say the word and I’ll draw her.”

  “Where did you learn how to do this?” she asked, leaning against him as she gazed down at the picture.

  Ayn closed his eyes, fighting back the memories that flooded through his mind. The tight space, the filth on the walls, the secret pastime his fingers had learned…it all felt so distant most of the time, but it still took him by surprise how quickly it could be triggered to the forefront of his consciousness at a moment’s notice.

  “Boredom,” he answered after a long moment, fighting to keep his voice even. “There wasn’t much to pass the time.”

  The light that filtered in through the tarp above them was growing dim as the sun began to set, and Amber stood to her feet. As much as she wanted to stay, she knew they needed to start heading back. Ayn took her cue, moving to erase the image, and she glanced away as the face in the dust disappeared.

  Sh
e took a deep breath, a strange calm washing over her as they set out for home, and any question that had remained in her heart vanished. Her parents would be fine without her, but even if they weren’t, it wouldn’t change her decision. She was going along no matter what.

  †‡†

  CHAPTER

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  Amber’s heart instantly began to race the moment she awoke the next morning. One more night. It didn’t feel real, but as she and Ayn added to their food and water stores, she could almost feel the countdown pulsing by with each heartbeat.

  She got dressed and headed to the taps, Ayn following behind her.

  “Good morning, Amber,” John said, moving to her side as she got in line. She barely acknowledged him at first, but when she glanced up, she was surprised to see that his suntanned face was strangely pale.

  “Are you okay?” she asked, eyeing him. He nodded, but he wouldn’t look at her.

  “Just a little tired,” he answered quietly.

  “You’re not getting sick, are you?”

  He met her gaze for a brief moment, and she thought she could see hurt in his eyes.

  “No.”

  “Then what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. Just thinking.”

  “About what?”

  “You.”

  She looked away, making a face, but Ayn’s curiosity was instantly piqued by John’s tone of voice. Something was off, something was different.

  “Why don’t you think about Leah?” Amber suggested. “She likes you a lot.”

  “I know,” John sighed. “But you know who I like.”

  His words were filled with despair, and she shot him a warning look.

  “Don’t sound so sad,” she told him, her voice hushed. “You know it’s not good.”

  “Are you going to report me like you threatened to before?”

  Amber rolled her eyes, waving dismissively.

  “Of course not, John, I’d never do that. I was just mad before.”

  “I would never report you, either,” he whispered under his breath. “But I don’t think you believe me.”

  He was studying her for a reaction, and she quickly changed the subject.

  “How are things at your grid?” she asked, stepping forward to fill her flask. “Have you gotten any closer to meeting your quota?”

  John shook his head.

  “No, not yet. What about you?”

  “We still haven’t found anything,” she replied, handing Ayn his flask and turning to move towards the food allotment line. “My dad’s pretty worried.”

  “It’s a good thing he has you, then, huh?”

  Ayn’s heart skipped a beat; he could feel John’s eyes watching him, and he was careful to keep his face perfectly still. There was another meaning hidden in those words, he was sure of it, and his mind began to race.

  “We’re not making any progress even with me there,” Amber scoffed bitterly. “I think the grid’s empty.”

  “The job is always easier with two workers, though,” John told her. “Your family would be lost without you.”

  His words were tinged with reproach, and Ayn’s stomach twisted with sudden dread.

  “I don’t know about that,” Amber said, shrugging as she moved to grab the food allotment. “Better not to find out, though.”

  “I agree,” John muttered, pursing his lips as he stared at her. An awkward silence filled the air for a moment, and she cleared her throat.

  “Well, I need to―”

  “Go to the grid, I know. Goodbye, Amber.”

  John turned on his heel, hurrying off without another word. There was an odd finality in his tone, and Amber furrowed her brow in confusion as she watched him disappear into the morning crowd.

  “Amber, I have to help Frank with a patch on his roof,” her father said, coming up behind her. “You go on to the grid, I’ll be there when I’m done.”

  She nodded.

  “I just need to take my supplements first.”

  Amber turned, preparing to beckon to Ayn, but she hesitated when she caught sight of the grim expression on his face. There was fear in his eyes, and worry rose up in her heart as they began walking home.

  She went into her room to bury her supplements, fighting the temptation to ask him what was wrong. Her mother was too close, and she bit her tongue. She would have to hold back until the end of the workday.

  Ayn didn’t wait that long.

  “We should leave tonight instead of tomorrow,” he whispered the moment they set out for the grid. Amber glanced at him in shock; he had never risked speaking out in the open like this before. She quickly swallowed back her surprise, looking around cautiously before answering.

  “Is it my application?”

  He shook his head.

  “I think John knows about us.”

  Her heart stopped. John’s demeanor at the taps would make sense if that were the case.

  “How?” she breathed.

  “I don’t know, but it’s too dangerous to wait. We need to go tonight.”

  “I thought we didn’t have enough saved yet. We need tomorrow’s food and water.”

  “We can’t wait, we’ll just have to hope―”

  Ayn instantly fell silent, keeping his head down as a small group of workers began approaching behind them.

  “Any luck at your grid, Amber?” one of them called out. She barely heard him, her mind still reeling, but she managed to shake her head.

  “Not yet, we’re still looking.”

  “Ours is doing well,” another one said, grinning smugly. “Your father’s been begging me for odd jobs every chance he gets, I’m glad I can afford to help.”

  She was too distracted to care about the man’s bragging tone, and she forced a smile.

  “We appreciate it,” she replied absently.

  The men laughed, walking away as they reached the mining ground. She ignored them, lost in thought as she lifted the edge of the plastic tarp that covered the grid. Ayn moved ahead of her, and she clenched her teeth as she descended the steps behind him.

  They had finished digging courses around the perimeter of the grid and were now working their way in towards the center. Amber knelt down and began to dig, her mind racing through a thousand different scenarios all at once, and she cursed under her breath. John couldn’t have discovered them, they had been so careful. Ayn was probably just being overly cautious.

  Anxiety coursed through her veins. It didn’t matter, it was too dangerous to wait. Despite John’s assurances that he would never report her, it would be foolish to count on his silence if he really had discovered their secret. They needed to leave early if there was even the slightest chance that he knew about them.

  The butterflies in Amber’s stomach seemed to grow more and more frantic with each shovelful of dirt she sorted. This would be her last day of digging, the last time she would ever see this godforsaken hole in the ground. It was overwhelming, and she was both scared and excited. It was really going to happen, she was really going to go through with it.

  Amber finished the pile she was sorting and stood up, dusting herself off as she reached for the shovel to dig out more fresh dirt. She placed the tip of the blade on the ground, preparing to jump on it as Ayn walked by with a load on his back. She glanced up at him, giving him a slight smile as her heart skipped a beat. In just a few short hours, he would finally be safe.

  She felt her knees wobble as her body suddenly shifted, and she looked down. For a moment, her mind went blank with confusion. Her feet were sinking.

  “Amber!”

  Her eyes snapped forward at the sound of Ayn’s voice, her blood running cold the instant she saw the horrified look on his face. He dropped the sacks of dirt he was carrying, launching himself towards her as a slight tremor travelled up her legs, and realization finally dawned on her. She reached for him, opening her mouth to scream, but it was too late.

 
The ground rumbled, swallowing her up in an explosion of dust as a massive hole opened in the floor of the grid. Her stomach leaped into her throat, choking off her scream of terror, and the world instantly went dark.

  Ayn fell to his knees, panic tearing through his heart as he crawled to the edge of the gaping void.

  “Amber!”

  He held his breath, straining his ears as he peered down into the blackness.

  Amber’s eyes grew wide with panic as she struggled to breathe. She could hear Ayn calling for her, but her lungs refused to draw a breath so she could answer him. Every bit of air had been crushed from her chest the moment she landed, and her muscles burned with desperation as she felt herself beginning to suffocate.

  Then, just when she was sure she couldn’t take another second, her chest finally expanded. She coughed, gasping at the razor-sharp pain that tore through her side.

  “Ayn,” she managed to whimper, blinking as she tried to lift her head. Her voice sounded dull in one ear, but echoed loudly in the other. She focused her eyes on the circle of sunlight far above her, barely able to make out his dark silhouette as she begged her voice to work.

  “Ayn!”

  Relief surged through Ayn’s body the moment he heard her, and he let out a quiet cry as his heart started beating again.

  “Are you hurt?”

  Amber winced, slowly moving her arms and legs. Her head throbbed, and tiny bursts of light flashed in her peripheral vision. It made her feel sick, and she swallowed hard as she reached up to touch her face.

  Her skin was slick with blood, and her hand trembled as she followed the warm, sticky trail all the way up to the top of her skull. Her fingers stopped at the ragged edges of a deep gash, and she froze, too afraid to check any further.

  “My head is bleeding,” she managed to call out. The words felt distant, as if someone else was speaking them.

  “Let me get the rope!” Ayn called back, disappearing from above her. She could feel herself threatening to slip into unconsciousness, and she clenched her fists, trying to force herself to stay alert.