Ration

by Christina J Thompson

  “I know you probably don’t want company, but I…well, I have something to tell you.”

  “Whatever it is, I don’t care,” Amber whispered. She felt numb, as if all the life had left her.

  She could hear him cross the floor and stop beside her bed, but she was suddenly too tired to protest.

  “You’ll care about this,” John said quietly, and she turned her head to glare at him.

  “There is nothing you could possibly tell me that would matter right now.”

  A tear managed to escape from the corner of her eye, and she didn’t bother trying to hide it this time.

  “I saw you at the grid,” John whispered, leaning closer. “With the ration.”

  Amber scoffed.

  “So what? Go ahead and report me, I don’t care.”

  He pursed his lips in frustration.

  “For once in your life, will you stop being so stubborn? I talked to him!”

  Amber’s eyes instantly grew wide, and she rolled over to sit up.

  “What?”

  “I talked to him when they were holding him before harvest. He…I promised him I would tell you something.”

  She glanced at the curtain that covered her door; she could hear her parents on the other side.

  “Not here,” Amber said quickly, wincing in pain as she heaved herself to her feet. She beckoned to him, limping out of her room.

  “Where are you going?” Mica frowned, raising a brow as Amber headed outside. “You’re only supposed to be up for a few minutes, I don’t want you overdoing―”

  “I’m just going to sit with John for a little while,” Amber interrupted. “It’s too hot in my room.”

  She didn’t wait to hear her mother’s reply, hurrying out the door with John following close behind, and she quickly ducked into the neighbor’s vacant house. It was set up exactly the same as hers, and she moved to the far room before turning to face him.

  “Well?” Amber prompted, crossing her arms. “What did he tell you?”

  John sighed, giving her a long look.

  “I was really worried about you. I’ve been outside your house for days waiting for you to wake up.”

  Amber drew a slow, measured breath, trying not to lose her patience.

  “Just tell me.”

  John frowned, eyeing her for a moment, then he glanced away.

  “He said to tell you that you were worth it, and that he didn’t regret doing what he did.”

  She could see him hesitate, and she motioned for him to go on. John took a deep breath; he seemed pained, but he opened his mouth to continue.

  “He said to tell you that…that he loved you.”

  A low cry escaped Amber’s lips the moment he spoke, and her legs went weak. Ayn loved her. She loved him, too, and she had never told him.

  John moved forward, catching her before she fell, and she sank down to the ground as sobs wracked her body.

  “He’s gone,” she whispered through her tears. “I can’t believe he’s gone.”

  John sat down beside her and pulled her close.

  “I’m sorry, Amber.”

  “No, you’re not!” she wailed, burying her face in her hands. “He was nothing to you, nothing! He wasn’t even a person to you, he was just a ration!”

  John didn’t answer. He held her in his arms, silently listening to her cry as he waited for her tears to slow, and when her sobs began to quiet, he finally spoke.

  “He cared about you,” John said, his voice hushed. “That’s enough to make him mean something to me. I’ve been thinking a lot this past week, thinking about him and what he did. I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about it, but I know that he was more than just a ration, for whatever that’s worth. That’s why I told you what he said, because believe me, I didn’t want to. But I made him a promise, and a promise made to a person like that has to be kept.”

  Amber gulped, fighting back a fresh wave of tears. His words surprised her; she never would have expected that level of understanding from him. She glanced up at him, and he gave her a slight smile.

  “I’m glad he did it,” John said firmly. “I know he paid a high price, but I’m glad he saved you. I didn’t know him, but from what he told me, he wouldn’t want you to be miserable. It was his decision, and he chose you.”

  “But what do I do now?” Amber whispered forlornly, leaning against him. She felt him shrug.

  “I don’t know. I guess just do whatever makes you happy.”

  Happy.

  The only time she had ever felt happiness was with Ayn and her sister, and they were both gone. She wanted to be happy, but as she brushed the tears from her face and stood to her feet, she realized that she had no idea how.

  †‡†

  CHAPTER

  TWENTY-NINE

  Amber cried herself to sleep that night, and the next two nights that followed. At least she had the privacy to do so; breaking through to the salt mine had effectively made her family rich, and she now had four blankets. That meant she could have her bed all to herself, but despite the additional warmth, she still felt cold without Ayn by her side.

  Even worse, her father kept bragging about the huge harvest that had been reaped, and she could see the stacks of dried, salted meat in the corner of her parents’ room every day when she got up. All the strength and intelligence and kindness that Ayn had possessed was gone save for a few strips of flesh, and rageful frustration screamed in her soul every time she thought about his body being cut apart.

  If not for John, Amber would have gladly spent every moment of every day in her bed, but he made it a point to come see her in the mornings. Her parents were more than happy to pay him a little salt in exchange for what they saw as him helping her recover, and Amber glared at him sullenly as he appeared at her bedside yet again.

  “Come on, Amber, you need to get up,” John prompted, sitting down next to her. “People are going to start wondering what’s wrong with you.”

  “I don’t care,” she hissed, rolling over to face the wall. “Just leave me alone.”

  “I have your allotment, sweetheart,” Mica called, stepping into the room. “No more energy doses, the doctor said you can eat regular food starting today.”

  Amber’s stomach instantly turned with revulsion; she couldn’t bear the knowledge that the pieces of meat clutched in her mother’s hands had once been a part of Ayn.

  “I’m not hungry.”

  John stood up, reaching to take the packet.

  “She will be,” he said quickly, flashing a reassuring smile. Mica nodded and turned to leave.

  “Thank you, John.”

  He leaned close the moment they were alone again, his voice hushed.

  “Get up, we need to talk.”

  “Go away.”

  “Dammit, Amber, I’m serious!”

  John grabbed her hand, pulling her upright, and she cursed under her breath as she yanked away.

  “Don’t touch me!” she warned, her eyes narrowing dangerously.

  “You’re going to get reported!”

  “I don’t care!”

  He crossed his arms, returning her glare.

  “So this is how you repay what he did for you?” John snapped angrily. “He sacrificed everything just so you could give up?”

  He threw the packet of meat at her, turning on his heel and storming out.

  Tears filled Amber’s eyes as she reached for the food, cradling the pieces against her chest. A sob rose up in her throat, and she swallowed hard, choking it back. As painful as it was to admit, she knew that John was right. She couldn’t give up, not after what Ayn had done for her. She had to at least try.

  She slowly dragged herself out of bed and began digging a hole in the floor, quickly burying the packet and mournfully whispering a prayer that he hadn’t felt much pain. She moved to the space under the shelf where Ayn had hidden his food, retrieving one of the ration cakes and swal
lowing it down.

  “You need to go see the doctor,” Mica said as Amber stepped out of her room. “John’s waiting outside, he’ll walk with you.”

  Amber didn’t respond, putting her head down as she left the house.

  John was leaning against the wall, and he sighed when he caught sight of her.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered, stepping to her side and taking her arm. “I know you’re hurting.”

  “It feels like I can’t breathe,” Amber managed to say, bracing herself on him as she limped into the settlement. “I don’t want to be here anymore, not without him.”

  “I know,” John said, giving her a sympathetic look. “I wish I could tell you something that would help, but I know nothing will make this better.”

  She shot him an annoyed glare.

  “How could you possibly know?”

  He frowned.

  “You’re not the only one who’s felt loss, Amber.”

  They reached the center of the settlement, falling silent as they navigated through the morning crowd that was lined up for allotments. John helped her fill her flask, then he gently directed her towards the medical unit.

  Amber was almost grateful for this part of the day; the doctor from the resource center administered her supplements via injection at the same time as the other medications she received, and a moment after the needle entered her skin, she could feel the effects of the compounds begin to cloud her brain. The numbness they caused wasn’t nearly enough to quiet all of her thoughts, though, and despite the dose, she couldn’t shut out the feeling that she had betrayed Ayn by not being by his side. He was alone when he died, without a single person in the world.

  “I have to go to work,” John said as they made their way back to her house. “I’ll come check on you this afternoon.”

  Amber ignored him, sinking down onto the ground in the shade as he left. She sighed as she stared at her hands. She didn’t want to exist anymore.

  * * *

  The following few days were a blur of the same sorrow, each one running into the next as if they were all just one singular, unbroken misery. Amber was tormented, unable to stop imagining the fear Ayn must have felt, and the thought ate away at her mind almost as much as knowing that she had missed his final moments. Everything reminded her of him; she couldn’t even stand the sight of the stars, and she went to bed before the sun set, refusing to stay outside.

  Oddly enough, the pain of her injuries seemed to be the only distraction she could focus on. In addition to the gash on her head and the brain injury caused by her fall, three of her ribs had been broken. For the duration of the week after waking up from the coma, she had to visit the doctor twice a day to get additional injections to promote bone healing. According to what Helen explained to her, these injections would result in her full recovery in a matter of days rather than weeks or months, and Amber could already feel the treatment working.

  By the fifth day, the sharp, stabbing pain in her side no longer appeared when she cried, but instead of being relieved, she found that she missed it. The pain had signaled that her time with Ayn was still close, and as it lessened, it reminded her that each passing hour was separating her more and more from the moments she had shared with him.

  The agonizingly long week drew to a close, and the anniversary of Jude’s death was only a day away. Amber’s heart was raw and empty; it felt like she was reliving both losses at once, and the anguish was nearly unbearable.

  For the most part, her parents had been too distracted by the excitement of the salt mine to notice her darkening mood. Amber spent most of her time sitting alone in the shade outside, throwing pebbles against the wall and staring at the rock Ayn had found for her. It no longer held any magic for her, instead acting as an anchor as she tried to keep his face from fading from her memory. She was terrified of losing him as she had her sister, and as much as it hurt, she would close her eyes every so often and picture him just to prove to herself that he was still locked away in her mind.

  Amber’s father spent every waking moment at the grid, supervising the removal of bucket after bucket of salt. He didn’t have to do it himself anymore, instead hiring several of the other families to haul it for him, but that brought with it its own problems. She had heard him talk about his paranoia and concerns after returning home each day, and she was growing increasingly annoyed with him.

  Today was no different, and when Amber heard him start ranting about the pocketfuls of salt he was sure the workers were taking, she finally snapped.

  “Let them have it, dad!” she shouted, storming out of her room. “You have an entire mine! What difference does it make, it’s not like you’re ever going to run out!”

  Mica gasped.

  “Amber!”

  “What, mom? As if you’re not thinking the same thing?”

  “We don’t know how much is in there,” her father said, giving her a stern look. “I heard that it was originally shut down all those years ago because of low productivity, so there isn’t much―”

  “You’ve already pulled out enough salt to last a lifetime of quotas!” Amber scoffed. “The resource center has already recorded it, that’s what you said just the other day! These people don’t have any hope of breaking through to the mine, not unless there’s another entrance, so you may as well help them instead of being so damn selfish!”

  She spun on her heel and walked out, fuming as she made her way into the settlement. Blowing up on her parents was crossing a serious line, and she wouldn’t be surprised if they reported her. The thought would have been terrifying just a few short weeks ago. Now, it didn’t even faze her.

  Amber cursed under her breath. Nothing mattered anymore, not really, and she wasn’t strong enough to keep pretending otherwise. Ayn had given her hope, he had given her something to look forward to other than the mundane, boring existence she had known before meeting him, but now that he was gone, it felt like she had nothing left.

  John was sitting in the shade beside his house, and he jumped up when he caught sight of her.

  “Glad to see you out on your own,” he said, his face bright as he walked towards her.

  Amber glanced at him, her jaw clenched, and he raised a brow, cocking his head as he studied her.

  “What’s wrong? You look upset.”

  “What’s the point of all of this?” she burst out. “Nothing ever changes, it’s the same thing every single day no matter what and I’m sick of it, I’m just―”

  “Shhhhh, keep your voice down!” John whispered fearfully, pulling her aside. “You know better than to talk like that!”

  “At least being reported would take me away from this place!”

  “You don’t mean that.”

  “I don’t?”

  “Come on, Amber. You know that’s not what he would’ve―”

  “To hell with him!” she hissed, her throat aching. “That’s all you ever say, but you know what? I don’t care! He left me! He knew this would happen, but he still left me!”

  “Why, Amber?” John countered. “Why do you think he was willing to do what he did if he knew this is what your reaction would be?”

  “I don’t know! Because he was an idiot?”

  John gave her a long look, then he shrugged, sitting back down in the shade.

  “Fine. If that’s how you really feel, nothing I say is going to change your mind. Go find one of the council and report yourself, just hurry up and get it over with.”

  She clenched her teeth, hearing her jaw squeak as she tried to control herself. After a long moment, she moved to join him on the ground.

  “That’s not really how I feel. I’m just angry.”

  John sighed, his eyes full of understanding.

  “Then be angry, Amber. But not like this, not acting like a crazy person. He wouldn’t want that for you.”

  She made a face.

  “It’s getting really old hearing you say that. You didn�
�t even know him.”

  “Maybe not,” John admitted. “But I know how I feel about you, and if it were me, I wouldn’t want to see you like this.”

  “Well, it seems like you’re using him to try to make me feel guilty,” Amber said, crossing her arms. “It’s like you’re throwing what he did in my face.”

  “I am,” he told her bluntly. “I’ll say whatever I have to if it means keeping you from doing something stupid.”

  She scoffed.

  “So you really don’t care about him, it’s all just an act.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “That’s pretty much exactly what you just said.”

  John shook his head.

  “No, I said I’ll say whatever I have to, but that doesn’t mean that what I say isn’t true. Seeing you with him that day changed things for me. I never considered the possibility that the rations were anything more than food, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it ever since. You can’t just meet someone like him and pretend it never happened, especially not after what he did for you, so no, it’s not an act. I respect him for the decision he made, and you should, too.”

  The simple sincerity in his words struck her, and Amber couldn’t help feeling a sudden sense of appreciation for him. Once again, he had managed to say exactly what she needed to hear, and to a tiny degree, she almost felt a little better.

  John glanced down at his hands for a moment before giving a quick look around, worry clouding his face as his voice lowered even further.

  “Are they…are they all like him? The rations, I mean, inside their heads?”

  Amber grimaced.

  “Based on what Ayn told me, yes.”

  He frowned.

  “I was afraid you were going to say that.”

  “It’s the supplements,” she told him. “The dose keeps them from talking and thinking right.”

  “So this whole time, they’ve known everything that’s been happening to them? They know when they’re getting harvested?”

  “That’s what Ayn said.”

  John sighed heavily.

  “What the hell does a person do with that?”