“Don’t mind me.”
They broke apart, and she stood in front of him to cover his erection. I started making tea.
“Are you all right?”
“Nope.” I threw the tea bags into the cups.
Vaughan cleared his throat and went upstairs.
Anne watched me. “I hope you don’t mind Vaughan staying.”
“Huh?” I scowled and poured the water. “No. I’m happy for you.”
“Well?”
I stared as the tea brewed, water filling with the delicious, fragrant tea. Anne chewed her lip.
“There are things I didn’t tell you. I was kinda seeing this guy. I met him on an app. Turns out he wasn’t single and a total shit.”
“I knew something was going on with you. What did he do?”
“I’ve felt so silly about it. Ashamed. Don’t know why I didn’t know how to say anything. Anyway. Last night he found me in the pub. I sort of told his girlfriend and mother what he was doing and sent them screenshots.”
Anne started laughing. “That’s brilliant.”
“Not so much. I thought he was going to hurt me. He followed me waited to get me alone. Then out of nowhere, Toby appears. Now, here’s the thing.”
I looked around the doorway and whispered. “This guy was Vaughan’s height and a preening twat. Toby confronted him without hesitation. It was weird. I thought Toby was going to be battered. They got into it, and Toby won.”
“Huh.”
“I thought he was a proper soft boy. Not at all. Then. This morning I wake up and see him in a whole new light. I’ve appreciated his form, I mean, hello, but this morning I wanted him.”
She gave me her little knowing smile and dashed the milk into the cups as I took the tea bags out. “I know. I saw it when he moved in. How you look at him.”
“No. I... I didn’t. Really. Did I?”
“You go moon-eyed.”
“Oh god no. I can’t feel this way. He’s my friend. I like being comfortable with him. No pressure or expectation.” Resting my head on my arms, I leant over the kitchen side.
“Put it away.” Toby appeared.
I snapped up, pulling my t-shirt down.
He was delightfully rumpled and grinned at me before sipping his tea. “You okay?”
“Yes.” I forced out.
“We’re talking about periods,” Anne said.
“Oh god, it’s too early for that.”
He left as I blinked at the fridge. I hated having crushes. I get so nervous, and I never know how to read people.
“Oh no. No. What do I do?”
“Tell him.”
“I can’t. He’s just ended a relationship. He’s told me he doesn’t want anything with anyone. I can’t lose my friend.”
I wandered off in a daze, the full reality of my feelings settling in me. I’d always liked him, but he’d been off limits and not my usual guy. Usual wasn’t working for me. No. No. No.
I stomped upstairs determined not to feel it, and then he appeared from the bathroom in just a towel. I’d seen him get out the shower before. His skin was wet, and hair dripping.
“I love cool showers.” He rubbed his hair. “You’re still not okay, are you?”
I shook my head.
“Come to the gym with me today.”
“In this heat?”
He grinned. A big toothy one. It always made me smile back, but now it made my stomach dip.
“Trust me.” He moved to take me into a hug.
I couldn’t. Stepping back, I went to bed. My cool un-Toby sheets were a relief, but I wanted to crawl into bed with him and do everything I shouldn’t want.
I put on a vest and shorts and lay out in the garden. The damp morning scent rose as the sun dried the air out. Under the umbrella, it was cool enough to breathe.
Toby found me.
I realised how much time we spent together. I wasn’t sure how to extricate myself without hurting his feelings, which was the last thing I wanted.
“Poppy. Have I done something?”
He was so earnest. The pain in his eyes hurt me.
“No. Not at all. Just me.”
“Okay good.” He leant down and kissed my hair.
I stood with him and hugged the hell out of him. His arms wrapped around me, and I drank him in. His firm body and warm skin. Clean scent and the little squeeze.
“Thank you.” I nestled into his chest.
“Anything for you.” He soothed my hair and stepped away.
I itched to hold onto him.
I watched him walk back to the house, and my heart hurt.
This wasn’t a crush. This was more. I fell back into the lounger.
Anne was right. Those feelings had been there; I just didn’t let myself feel them. I saw it as friendship.
Ours was the best friendship, and I didn’t want it to change.
WHO ARE YOU?
The rundown place in an industrial estate looked like a dump. “This is the gym?”
“It’s special.”
I watched a few muscular guys go in.
A boxing gym. I turned in a circle, taking it in. The scent of rubber mats and sweat and sound of muffled slaps and thumps surrounded me.
“It’s very blokey.”
Toby laughed. “There’s a group of women who like to kick my arse every week.”
He flashed the grin that was all angles and warmth.
“You can change in there.” He pointed to the changing rooms.
My hair was slicked into a bun, and I managed to get my sports bra on that doubled as a crop top. Short shorts.
I edged out.
He wore a loose vest and shorts that went mid-thigh. I didn’t stare much. I wanted to feel underneath.
“Right, come on.” He led me into a small sparring ring.
“What... What are we doing?”
“Self-defence.”
I tried to climb up, throwing a leg over the lowest rope, spun, and landed with a thump and my legs on the rope. “Oh my god.”
Toby screwed his face up, leaning over with his hands on his knees. “You okay there?”
“Fuck off.”
“You’re fine.” He slid me into the middle and up. “Here we go.”
“Well, that was workout enough for me.”
“Come on. Now, some fake tan dickhead tries it. Let’s react. What do you do?”
“Nothing apparently, I wasn’t ready. Keys in my fingers?”
“No, you’ll hurt your hand, and you have to get close. You run. Be loud. Public.”
I laughed, shifting awkwardly. “Yes.”
He stood behind me and grabbed me from behind. “If you’re grabbed, push down hard on my hands.”
I couldn’t do it. He held tighter, nestled right behind me, and moved my arms, showing me. I managed.
“Now. Instep. Shin. Balls. All you want to do is get me off.”
Yes, Toby, that was exactly true. I pulled away and wiped my face.
He gave me a stern look. “Run. Impede me and run.”
We went through it over and over. Palm of hand to nose — if I can reach — how to get out of a chokehold. Kick to the shin to take them down.
I wasn’t unfit, but it was hotter than the devil’s arsehole. I wiped the sweat from my forehead and guzzled water.
Toby’s skin was sweatier than mine, and I wanted to lick the hot salty pulse on his neck while I breathed in his scent.
“Poppy?”
I pulled at my sports bra, trying to shift my tit sweat. “I need air.”
“Okay.”
He helped me down, and I shoved my face outside, but it was no better.
“I think I’m dying.”
“Here, sit.”
I sat on a bench inside near the open fire exit, leaning on a cool wall. A few others spoke to him, and he introduced me, making sure I wasn’t crowded.
Why did he ha
ve to be so great?
“I’m going to spar, why don’t you take a minute then we’ll go, okay?”
I watched him go, sipping my water. A tall, fit blonde sat next to me. I felt her assessment as I kept my eyes forward.
“He’s much happier now.” She unstrapped her hands.
“Yeah?”
“Since ending it with Saffi. Less stressed. Moving in with you was good for him.” Her eyes read too much, and I drank more water.
“You know him well?”
“Ages, my girlfriend takes great delight in beating him up.” She laughed. “It’s good to meet you finally.”
I grinned and turned back to the ring. Toby had strapped his hands and feet, and the other woman had her thighs around his neck, and he made an impressive counter move to get out. I wanted him. I still felt his body next to me, the heat and sweat in my senses. My mouth watered.
“I said it’s good to meet you finally. I’m Mila.”
“Nice to meet you too.”
“My girlfriend is Georgia.”
Clearing my throat, I murmured something as they halted, and Toby took his vest off. He waved at me, catching his breath as he wiped his face.
I waved back, unable to look away.
“Don’t worry, she’s not his type.” I heard the humour in her voice and hated I was so obvious. I needed to get a lid on this.
“I’m not worried.” I faked.
“Yeah, I see it.”
“What?”
“Why he likes you.”
“I’m lucky to have a friend like Toby.”
She had the strangest look on her face.
“I’m going to take a shower.”
I couldn’t take it. I stood under the tepid water, shaking.
I needed space, and maybe a little time to get my mind in order.
Cooler and calm, I found him talking to a group of people, and he said goodbye, and we walked out to the car.
“You don’t seem much better.”
“I am, it’s just hot, and you know what I’m like in the heat. Thank you for today. I do feel more confident.”
“Good. I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re amazing. I won’t let anything happen to you.”
Toby was the only guy I’d spent time with where I never felt afraid. Not once.
Part of me had mistaken fear for frisson with boyfriends in the past. It’s why I’d always been cautious with sex.
Toby was aware of my vulnerability; he saw and understood.
“What?”
I started crying. Covering my face, I sobbed into my hands, and he pulled me close. Safe. I was completely safe with him.
But I wasn’t, not in my heart.
After a nap, we ate. Toby made us some wraps with salad, and we gamed. It was our Sunday ritual.
He kept looking at me with concern and the more we were together, the worse I felt.
Normally we bantered about and were silly. I didn’t feel like being silly.
“Poppy, you want to do something else?”
That sweetness would undo me. I was sure of it.
“Something is going on, I can feel it. I hate secrets, I mean, you don’t have to tell me things but if it’s about me...”
Part of me knew my feelings would be safe with him, but the other part didn’t have the words. It was too new.
I put the controller down. The urge to kiss him was so strong that if I looked at him, I’d do it. Pursing my lips hard, I leant away. “I’m tired and hot. That’s all.”
The expression he returned was wounded confusion.
I left, nope, my heart was not safe.
PLAY IT COOL
Anne grabbed a tea towel. “How’s it going?”
“Shit.” Tipping the washing up water out the bowl, I wiped the sink. Anne stared at me as she dried up.
“Where is he?”
I got off my step stool, folded it and put it away. “With Saffi, dealing with house and wedding stuff. He’s not happy.”
“How are you?”
I stared at nothing. “I can’t do it. It’s too difficult. He knows something is wrong. I catch him looking at me, and I keep telling him it’s what happened, and he thinks I should see someone about it.”
“You’re going to have to tell him.”
“I know. Not yet. I can’t say it yet.”
The door went, and he looked drawn and tired when he came in.
“Have you eaten?”
“I grabbed something. Wanna game?”
“Sure.”
Anne left to get ready to go out, and we went upstairs. I sat on his bed and watched him pull his tie off and put on the TV. The tension between us got worse. He went for a shower, and I curled up, hugging his pillow. I loved his smell.
Closing my eyes, I must have drifted off because when I opened them, he was getting dressed.
I closed my eyes again. He was so beautiful. He sat on the bed and turned on the console.
How many more times would I get moments like this with him? I relished every second with the sadness growing in my heart.
I shifted, and he passed me a controller. Rubbing my face, I sat and climbed over to my spot.
“Want to talk about it?” I asked.
He didn’t speak until the loading screen came on. “She’s not seeing Daniel, her co-worker. She’s leaving her job and going back to work for her dad. I helped her break out from that life, a thing she wanted, and get her dream job. She’s thrown it all away.”
I paused the game. “Why?”
“She had the perfect life. I think she felt trapped by it. I’m not excusing her, but I get it.”
“Do you want her back?”
“No. God no. I see it now, we thought we wanted a certain life and that we could give it to each other. Because that’s what people do. Not that we really wanted it. Just the idea. Plus she said some unpleasant things to me.” He set his mouth, and we played again.
“Like what?”
“Personal. I think I need some fun. You know, a rebound fling. Or something.”
I nearly choked. “Isn’t it a bit soon?”
“Is it?”
I didn’t say anything. I could be there for him, but I didn’t want to be his rebound. “Just make sure she knows it.”
“I’m not a fuckboi.” He sounded offended.
“I know.” I managed a few more minutes, but tired, I said goodnight and went to get up.
“Poppy, stay, I hate being alone.”
I hated it too. I hated not being near him. I nodded and got changed. I curled up in his bed, imagining he felt the same about me, and he’d come and make love to me. When he joined me, I opened my eyes to the dimness and watched him sleep. Oh god, I was weird.
✽✽✽
This couldn’t go on. I had to say something. It’d only been two weeks, but still. We went out with Claire and Adam, Anne and Vaughan, and me and Toby.
It was perfect. Except for watching other people in love when the man I loved didn’t love me. Yes, I was in love with him. It wasn’t infatuation or a crush. This feeling — the intensity of it — was unbearable. Keeping it contained was as physical as it was emotional.
Toby’s phone kept going off, and I knew he was talking to women. I was gutted about it.
The pub was busy; it was a large sports place with screens of football everywhere, but it had darts and snooker tables, and a pool table. I put a quid on the side and waited my turn. I was in the mood to play.
“Who are you playing, sweetheart?” A guy at the table asked. The hipster twat with his waxed moustache was everything I loathed.
He looked at me like meat, and though he appeared to have pretensions of intellectualism, he was no more than your regular fuckboi in glasses. Patronising, smug, vain.
Toby joined me along with the others.
I smirked. “The winner.”
“You?” He laughed. “You barely
reach the table, honey, I don’t want to humiliate a girl.”
“Or be humiliated by one?”
He and his buddy shared a look. “Don’t say we didn’t warn you.”
He won his game. He gestured to the table, and I put the coin in. The familiar sound of balls clanking down made my stomach dip. I set up the table and racked them.
Chalking the shorter cue, I broke, potting a ball. Without looking at him, I cleared the table.
When I got to the black, I tapped the pocket I designated, and it sank in cleanly.
“The table’s mine.” I leant on the cue, and the hipsters shuffled off.
Claire quietly high-fived me.
Toby racked up the next game. “I’m glad I don’t mind being beaten by women.” He gave me a grin.
“You seem happy.” I rubbed at a chalk mark on the felt.
“I’ve got a date.”
I stood for a beat too long, and my ears rang, and I didn’t want to play anymore.
THE DATE
I jiggled my foot nonstop.
“Can you not?” Anne threaded a needle, and I tried to focus on the film we were watching.
Toby was meeting his date for drinks. It’d been two hours. Well, two hours and sixteen minutes, but who’s counting.
The front door slammed, and Toby burst in. “You,” he pointed, “bloody lot, what’s wrong with you? I mean seriously.” He threw his hands up and stomped upstairs.
“That was a touch dramatic.” Anne raised her brows.
I followed him up. Sat on his bed, he clenched and unclenched his fists with his eyes closed.
“Sorry.” Strained, his voice broke.
“It’s okay. What happened?”
He scratched the stubble on his face, and the tension drained out of him. “I told her from the start I was just dipping my toe in. She said she didn’t want serious either. We chatted a fair bit first, and she was very flirty, and I was flattered. It’s like she knew exactly what to say.” He closed his eyes, and I took his hands.
“I thought maybe a little casual dating would be a good place to start. I miss comfort and affection so much it kills me. She seemed perfect because she wanted the same and was kind and fun. But on the actual date, she criticised my clothes, my height, my job, my lack of ambition. She had an opinion on everything, and when I brought up Saffi, she kept asking and asking me about it.”
The Best Friends Anthology (A New City Story Book 5) Page 11