“Sounds crap, but why are you so upset?”
“She knows Saffi. Apparently, she saw me on there, and knew who I was.”
My jaw dropped.
“When it got weird, and I called her on it, and she told me that Saffi told her what to say. She can fuck who she likes, but I’m not allowed to move on. They just decided to mess with me.” The corners of his mouth turned down.
With a sigh, I sat next to him and put my arm around his back. There was so much I wanted to say, but I bit my tongue and rested my head on his shoulder.
He put his arms around me. “I’m so lucky to have you.”
“I haven’t done anything.” I leant back, tucking his hair behind his ear.
Toby stared.
“Saffi is a fool. You deserve to be loved.” My stomach turned over, and I thought I was going to throw up. This was going to kill me. I’m only small, how could I contain a secret that big? I trembled, setting my hands in my lap.
He wrapped his hand around mine. “All right?”
“Fine.” The words were there. I just had to say them.
Neither of us spoke, but I kept my hands still, his fingers over mine. The hairs on my neck stood on end, and I resisted the urge to shudder. Then there were no words, but my tongue itched and not with unsaid things.
“Poppy.”
The whisper nearly made me look up, but I knew if I did, I’d kiss him. My face drew up against my better judgement. His green eyes were dark in shadow, and the angles of his face highlighted.
His lips parted, and gaze fell to my mouth.
I couldn’t hold back. Breaking the hold on my hands, I cupped his face and pressed a kiss, light at first with just our lips. My skin hummed in want. Toby put his arms around me and pulled me over, and I opened my mouth to him.
His hands went into my hair, bunching it, and his firm body hot against mine. But it was his need that took my senses.
Voracious. He tongued and nipped and kissed me greedily, and I fought to keep up. When I needed air, I pulled back. Toby panted, a little frown on his face, but still looking at my mouth.
He closed his eyes, steadying himself. When he looked at me again, I didn’t know what to say.
Cupping my face, I leant into his hand.
“Poppy... I... that was unexpected.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to.” I frowned and tried to pull away.
He held onto me, and his breathing quickened. “What’s happening?”
I squirmed away, and he let me go. When I made to leave, he was right behind me and turned me around, but backed off with his hands up.
“Don’t run. Tell me.”
My lip started wobbling, and I twisted my hands.
“Poppy?” The caution in his voice frightened me.
Closing my eyes, I let it go. He cared for me. We’d just shared the most amazing kiss. I needed to trust him. “I have feelings for you.”
He didn’t speak.
“I mean, since the thing with Jeremy I’ve kind of looked at you differently, but if I’m honest, I think I’ve always had a thing for you. I didn’t realise that’s what it was because it’s so easy being with you and I’ve never had that. And you’re one of the best people I know, and you mean so much to me, and I’ve been trying to understand how I feel.” I dashed the tears that fell.
Toby was too quiet and still.
“Say something.”
“We’ve slept in the same bed, hung out all the time, and it’s because you fancy me?”
“What? No. I care about you more than anyone. I’d do anything for you.”
He blinked, his whole body rigid, and dread crawled up my legs.
“I need to think about this.”
I wanted him to come to me and hold me, but if he needed time, I could give him that.
With a little nod, I left his room, and a sense of loss unlike anything I’d known.
SPACE
We drove to work in silence as heavy rain pelted the windscreen with tension thick between us. A bright love song came on the radio, and he turned it off.
There was no work banter, and he spent lunch in his office.
The humidity of the day rose to unbearable levels when the rain stopped, and I slipped out of work without Toby and went into town as it hit five.
I’d slept horribly and was so unsettled, I couldn’t figure myself out. I mooched around the shops, and nothing caught my eye. Everything felt flat around me.
Sweat clung to my back and exhausted, I went to a cafe for an iced coffee and air conditioning but stopped dead in my tracks.
Saffi.
Whatever fate or gods there were must have been laughing at me.
She was as immaculate as ever. When I first met her, I’d hoped we be friends, but she’d been aloof. Perhaps she’d seen what Anne had, what I hadn’t; my affection for Toby.
I smoothed my rumpled linen dress and wilted hair. “Saffi.”
She didn’t speak at first and pulled off her sunglasses. “You don’t come here.”
“No, just passing through town.”
“He’s not with you, is he?”
“No.”
She nodded.
“How are you?” I narrowed my eyes.
“As can be expected. I hear he’s living with you.”
“Toby’s one of my best friends, and I’m good to my friends.”
“I bet,” she muttered as she left.
After I bought my coffee, I went home.
Toby’s car was there when I got back, and the house was quiet. I knocked on his door.
He appeared, opening it a little, and leant on it, barring the way.
“Can we talk?” I needed my best friend.
“Poppy, I asked to think about what happened. You need to give me space, okay?” He’d never sounded so cold.
“I know you’re angry with me, and I’m sorry. Please, Toby.” I fought the tears that burnt behind my eyes.
“I’m not angry. I just don’t know how to feel. Everything is changing. I need to think.”
My lip wobbled. “I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t cry.” He pulled me into a tight hold, and I clung onto my safe place. “It’s all right. So much has happened, and my whole life is changing, I don’t think my mind is in the right place to make rational choices that will affect us, okay?”
With a nod, I pulled away and kept my eyes on the floor. Turning away from him was so hard, it hurt my stomach. I curled up on my bed, trying to figure out what to do for the best. I was terrified of losing him.
In the morning, I got the bus to work, leaving before he was up.
He needed space, so I gave it to him, and in the process, I lost my best friend.
No breakup felt like this and having to see him was the worst when I couldn’t talk to or hang out with him. We avoided each other in the kitchen, in fact, I hid in my room until I heard his door close.
Anne was rarely home, so I spent most of my time by myself. I hoped we’d find some middle ground, and we could be friends again, or that he’d be ready to talk about it.
I kept waiting, and then it happened.
He was making dinner a few weeks later. The summer had petered out into cool, wet weather, and I was soaked from the walk home.
He looked at me, and though we were in the kitchen, he was so far away.
“It’s ridiculous out there.” I squeezed my ponytail into the sink.
“Well, you decided to get the bus,” he bit.
“You wanted space. I’m giving you space.” I emphasised space and squeezed my eyes shut.
“I never told you I wouldn’t give you lifts.”
I felt like I’d been chastised in a conversation where I didn’t know what I’d done wrong. I changed tack. “Smells nice.” I wiped a drop of water from my nose.
“I spoke to Saffi.”
“Oh?” The floor fell from under me.
“We
’ve had an offer, and it’s been accepted. But she said something. Why didn’t you tell me you saw her?”
Shrugging my jacket off, I tilted my head. “It was just after, well you know, and we weren’t talking because you wanted space. I saw her in town. We exchanged a few words, and that was it.” I ferreted a clean tea towel out and dried my face. “Why does it matter?”
He stepped forward, cold and rigid, and not my Toby. “I don’t appreciate being talked about behind my back, especially you and her.”
“We didn’t. It was awkward, and I didn’t say anything about you. She asked me about you living here, and I said well we’re friends and that was it. Why would you think that about me?”
“Everyone I trust seems to. Don’t. Don’t have a go at her and tell her my business.”
“I didn’t.” I held the tea towel like a buoy. “What did she say I said?”
“That we,” he pointed at him and me, “are together.”
“The lying nobber. I never said that. I swear it.”
The hesitation and betrayal in his eyes cut through me.
“I’d never hurt you like that.”
“You already did.”
I couldn’t breathe; I’d have to let him go. I felt it in my bones. My heart hurt. “Think what you like, but I would never say or do that, and if you think that about me, then it says more about you than me.” I gritted my teeth and kicked my shoes off. “I don’t get you. My best friend for ages, fucking gorgeous, good person, and I fell for it. But you’re no better than the rest. Selfish and mean, you don’t care who you hurt. Had this been the other way around, I’d have never treated you the way you’ve treated me.” I poked his chest, angry tears spilling down my cheeks.
After a beat, he stepped back, quiet and still, and turned off the oven. “It’s best if I move out.”
Without any reaction, I left him. Under the stream of a hot shower, I leant against the tiles, I felt nothing, but I knew I would. The devastation lay just beyond like the impending dip of the rollercoaster.
I went to bed.
TURN, TURN, TURN
The leaves were already changing colour. Anne, Claire and I walked up to the paddock where the horses were near our house. Three weeks of awkward tension, whenever Toby was home, had passed, which wasn’t often anymore.
“He’s moving out tomorrow.” Anne had become our go-between.
I nodded.
“How are you?” Claire climbed the fence, and we joined her. This was her favourite place to talk things out. Recently, Anne and Claire had been wrapped up in their relationships, which was fair, but it was lonely for me.
“I’m not the wallowing type, but I’ve never felt like this. I see things from his perspective, even if he is being obtuse. I know it sounds dramatic, but I’m... dead inside. Numb.”
“We should go out.”
“No, I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like much of anything.”
I leant on Anne’s shoulder, watching the horses, unable to cry. I needed to be stronger than this.
Toby had a friend help him move, and I watched from the window upstairs as they moved his things out. He was renting a flat back near Nattleton, far away from us.
From me.
I watched my best friend and the man I loved leave my life, and I wasn’t sure who I was now. At a knock on my door, I blinked out of my funk. “Yes.”
Toby stood there, but I couldn’t look at him. Not anymore, no matter how desperate I was to beg him to stay in my life, it was clear he didn’t want that. I wasn’t enough for him to care about or like again.
Creepy, weird Poppy. The odd little sex doll. Toby had been the only guy not to make me feel that.
I turned back to the window.
“I’m off then.”
I didn’t respond.
“Poppy?”
Closing my eyes, I fought anger, hot and swift. It came often, and I swallowed it down. “Goodbye.” I didn’t recognise myself.
Then he was gone, and it was done.
Monday, Toby didn’t appear for the morning meeting, and I was worried. Maybe he took some annual leave. Then, at break, Darby — she’s head of HR, and my friend — took me aside. She kindly sat while I stood, and giving me a serious face, she broke my heart completely.
“Did you know Toby was leaving?”
I didn’t. In fact, I think that’s why I’d not fought him; he was still at work. There was hope.
I shook my head.
Darby frowned. “I thought you might because you two were so close.”
“No.”
“He’s taken all his annual leave and starts a new job next week. I can’t believe it.”
I could.
Something in me broke, even with everything that had happened, I held onto good things, but with him utterly changing his life to be rid of me, it was gone. Innocence, but subtler than that.
Nights drew in, and though I functioned, things were different.
I gave up, yet made sure no-one knew, everything was immaculate. Probably to hide the mess inside.
With Toby gone, work got shitty. No Toby to protect me, laugh with and keep the pervs at bay. Technical Paul made a play for me several times, and he wore on my nerves until I snapped.
I was in the storeroom when he came in behind me.
“Oh fuck off.” I glanced at him and went back to the ink cartridges. His overly groomed presence loomed over me, and he reminded me of Jeremy.
“Come out with me.” He barred the door and smirked.
I slid my phone out of my pocket and called my boss’s desk. “Paul has me trapped in the storeroom, if he hurts me, I’m suing.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you, you demented bitch?” He made to grab my phone, and Nathan came in.
He grabbed Paul by the elbow. “Touch her, and you’ll regret it.” He was vicious at that moment, though he was exceptionally handsome with his blond hair and perfect smile. He was also Suzy’s fiancé.
He and Paul went into the office, and Darby came in the storeroom. I felt small and crushed. I needed escape.
She took me home after I made a statement.
I hated my life.
What made it worse, was Anne and Vaughan spent a lot of time together, and our new housemate was friendly, but I didn’t see much of anyone.
Jules was home one evening as I got in soon after the Paul incident, and we chatted in the kitchen.
“Anne’s never home is she?” Jules offered to have dinner with me, and I was desperate for company.
“Not really, she’s happy, and it wouldn’t surprise me if she moves out soon.” Everything was changing around me, and I stood still.
“Really? I know someone who might be interested. He’s going through a rough time, and we’re in the same trans support group.”
“I’m sorry about your friend.”
Jules smiled. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Are you okay?”
“No. I fell in love with my best friend, and he ditched me from his life.”
“That’s shit.”
“It actually is.” I shrugged my mouth down in a nod and helped with dinner.
I liked Jules; they didn’t make me feel weird and held innate kindness. A rare quality.
We started hanging out at home, watching cute shit and reading, and I wasn’t so alone.
I took some time off work while they dealt with Paul, not that I thought there’d be consequences, but the break was good.
The problem was Toby was always in my heart. I kept a photo of the two of us pulling faces as my home screen, and I let our imaginary relationship play out on repeat. It hurt and as painful as having no access to him was, it was for the best.
I went back to work a few weeks later. Paul had been suspended pending an investigation. At least Hulstons supported me.
Full autumn bloomed, and one crisp Sunday, I went for a walk.
The conkers had started to fall, and the big old tree up near the paddock was always popular.
A few kids played, and I snagged a freshly fallen horse chestnut in its spiky shell. Prising it open, the shiny nut was the same colour as Toby’s hair, and my heart squeezed. A child in a cable jumper and wellies zoomed past me, and I tossed it to the kid.
“I’m Florence.” Her little ponytail bounced as she grinned at me.
“Hello Florence, did no-one tell you not to talk to strangers?”
She giggled. “But your little like me.”
“This is true.” I shrugged. “Be careful, okay?”
Someone called her, and she ran off. The innocent glee of her was infectious, and my heart lightened.
Only a little, but enough.
GOSSIP
Effie — a girl I work with — is the only person remotely near my height, and she’s five-foot exactly.
She drove like a bandit to a retail park where the holy grail waited for us.
Shopping is a nightmare for me, everything has to be taken in or up, and children’s sections don’t have the best choices. Shoes are the real issue. Heels for small feet are like hen’s teeth.
Effie told me about this place on a retail park some way off, and I gave her my biggest baby blues, and she said she’d take me.
It was quite far and wondered if it was worth it by the way she drove. We came off the motorway, and I breathed again.
The place catered for five-foot and under, and there was a sale on, so it was already busy when we went in.
“Right. I hate shopping, so let’s get through the racks and then we’ll mooch.” Effie grabbed two trollies, and I wondered what I’d signed up to.
In fairness, I hate shopping too because it’s always a disappointment.
The first thing I did was the shoes. Pretty heels, kittens, elegant flats. All were more than half price and in my size. I could throw away my ill-fitting shoes that I put up with. When I had all the shoes I could ever want, and even a pair in Effie’s size, I found my height bracket on the sale rail and found all the clothes I could never find that would fit.
The Best Friends Anthology (A New City Story Book 5) Page 12