No more school shirts for me. Trying to make some of the things that fit me look like adult clothes is all about the accessories and how you put outfits together. There’s something sweet about not making the best of it.
An hour later, and we met up, I offered her the shoes which she squealed over, and she passed me a nude dress patterned with hummingbirds she found for me.
“It’ll be great for the summer.”
I loved it, and I wouldn’t need to take it in.
I nearly cried over the bras when we looked at them. Even first bras don’t usually fit my bust line.
I spent way too much, but I don’t spend money on clothes often. We put everything in the car after queuing forever and went to lunch.
The coffee shop was busy, and we ate in silence at first while I calculated if I had enough left in my bank to last me the month.
“So,” Effie looked up at me. Her warm blue eyes and thick, wavy red hair caught the sun. “Technical Paul is a shit. I mean, he was never inappropriate to me, but I think he dislikes gingers.”
I shrugged, tired of the whole thing.
“Odd though. I started just before Suzy left and I remember thinking that you all seemed so tight. You, Suzy, Darby and Toby.” She took a bite out of her sandwich.
“Fine.” I hunched in on myself, shifting in my chair. “We were. Though I think they let me tag along with them because they felt sorry for me.”
Effie frowned. “I thought it was because Toby loved you.”
I dropped my sandwich. “What?”
“Well, I thought you two were a couple when I started. The way he behaved and looked at you. I know that look. My Stuart looks at me the same way. He’s protective of my personal space. Anyone invades it, and he’ll kill them. Toby was like that with you. I was surprised when Darby told me he was engaged.”
I didn’t breathe or move.
“We’ve all had to make statements, and Paul is my supervisor, so I had to think about his behaviour. There was one thing. Once, I think you’d gone out to lunch or something, but you weren’t in the kitchen, anyway, Paul goaded Toby. It was the weirdest thing. It’s why I thought you were a couple.” Effie shook her head before taking a drink.
My heart pounded while I waited.
“He said it so no-one could hear but didn’t know I was behind him. He leant right into Toby’s space and said, ‘I wonder what it’d be like to fuck and throw her around a bit.’ It’s like it was about Toby more than you. It shocked me.”
I felt sick. “What did Toby do?”
“He was very quiet, but I heard. He said he’d break Paul’s neck if he touched you. I believed him because the viciousness in his eyes made me look twice.”
I knew that look. I’d seen it when Toby got into it with Jeremy.
“Toby was holding a teaspoon, and I thought he was going to jab it into Paul’s eye.”
“Sounds like him.”
She nodded and put her hand over her mouth, hurrying her chewing. “I mentioned it to Darby at the time because Suzy had just left, and I was curious about the dynamics of the office, and she said you two were close and Paul was a twat.”
“We were close. Best friends.”
“What happened?”
“I fell in love with him and fucked everything up.”
“That’s sad. But if he cared about you and you were friends, could you not work it out?”
“I hoped we could. But I think his head is pretty messed up. I’m not sure I can forgive how much he hurt me, but I understand that people fuck up. And he really did, maybe he didn’t care about me as much as I thought, or maybe there are other things going on I don’t know about. Who knows.”
Effie looked at me for ages. “You want to come to my wedding?”
“I’d love to.”
And just like that, I had a new friend. She wasn’t Toby, but she was great.
I’LL BREAK
October was much the same as the last month. I’d heard nothing about Toby, he’d not been on any social media, and honestly, I was worried. Then the last thread broke when I met Suzy for a drink in town after work.
She wanted to talk to me about Paul. Suzy had gone through it herself at Hulstons and left because of her relationship with Nathan. She’d been a mentor to me, and I respected the hell out of her.
We went through the whole thing over a bottle of wine, and I felt better afterwards. Then it took a turn.
“Have you spoken to Toby?” She turned her glass.
I don’t drink often, and my cheeks were warm. I’d thought a lot about what happened, and the chat I’d had with Effie. I was making peace with it, except when I had to talk about it. “No.”
“He told me what happened.”
I pushed my glass away. “Seriously? He bollocked me for talking about him behind his back when I never did, and he’s talking to you about me? I thought you were on my side, we’ve just gone through the thing with Paul, and now you bring up Toby? You must think I’m literal shit.”
She frowned and took off her glasses. “No, why would you say that?”
“Because we were close, and he chose to think I was a deceitful cow rather than someone who thinks, sorry, thought, the world of him.”
“He feels bad about it.”
A month ago, I’d have jumped at that little glimmer of hope, and now I didn’t. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that. I’m right here, he fucked off and cut me out of his life. That was his choice. I gave him space, and he ran away. He clearly doesn’t care about me, not really. If he did, he wouldn’t have done this. You know what, fuck him. Toby can fuck a duck. I don’t care. I thought he was one of the few decent men in the world. He was the only man who treated me with respect, like a person. That’s why I loved him. But he’s like everyone else.”
Angry tears came, but Suzy’s face was ashen as she looked over my shoulder. I knew.
Closing my eyes, the tears fell down my cheeks, but I couldn’t turn. I couldn’t look at him. My chair scraped loudly on the wooden floor, and I stood, pulling my coat on. “I’m sorry.”
Suzy stared back at me with so much sorrow. I turned, not looking at him and Nathan as they stood behind me and left.
Toby followed me out. “Poppy,” he called, but I didn’t stop and weaved through the crowds. He followed and faced me as I waited to cross a busy road.
Unable to look at his face, I stared at the floor. I was so angry and a bit drunk. I wobbled in my heels.
“How are you?” He sounded strained.
I wanted to say a thousand things but couldn’t and shook with restraint.
“You’ve every right to be angry. I’m sorry. I hoped we could talk.”
“Words are bullshit. Sentiment is bullshit. Whatever might be left between us is less than bullshit.” I lifted my face and watched the hope in his eyes die. It was what he’d done to me. “Who we are is how we treat others, and I’m not obliged to do anything for the person who broke my heart. Don’t put it on me to do shit for your ego.”
“You must really loathe me.”
I didn’t answer, and it was the cruellest lie I ever told. He turned from me and went back. I watched him as the crossing peeped, and the crowd shuffled past me.
Then I didn’t see him anymore.
✽✽✽
“We should spend some time together.”
“Hmm?” I looked up from my book at Anne, who was cross-stitching. “If you like.”
“We could go play pool?”
“I haven’t played for ages.” Not since I was out with Toby last. Felt like another life.
“Exactly. Poppy, I’m worried about you.” She set down her work.
“No need. I’m fine.” I went back to my book. I was way behind on reading it for book club.
“Come on, let’s get ready.”
I didn’t think there was much point, but I did. Faded black skinny jeans, a pretty low vee-cut top, a
nd light makeup. There a few things I’d changed over the last weeks. I didn’t bother trying to look older, and honestly, not much was different. People asked me if I was ill, but other than that, I no longer cared. It didn’t matter anymore.
Jules was away at their partner’s, and Claire was on holiday with Adam, so it was just Anne and me.
The pub was moderately busy for a Saturday. We grabbed our drinks and put two quid on the pool table and watched the tail end of the game being played, leaning on the deserted bar nearby.
“Claire will get married. I think he’s going to propose.”
I screwed my face up.
“Hey, if Vaughan asked me, I’d say yes in a second.”
“That’s quick, don’t you think?”
“Not especially. Sometimes you know.”
The game finished, and the people left. I put the coin in and racked up. Felt good.
I looked up, my hair falling forward, so I tied it in a hairband as Toby came in with a group I didn’t know. It had been three weeks and four days since I saw him.
He paused and stared at me before going to the bar. I’d unfriended him everywhere and deleted his number. I nearly deleted the photos I had of him too but couldn’t quite make myself give that little bit up.
With a cleansing breath, I tightened my ponytail and broke.
Anne was staring.
I potted a ball. “Did you know?”
“No, I didn’t.”
I wasn’t sure I believed her. I wasn’t sure I believed anything anyone said to me anymore.
“Shit on the floor.” She slumped.
“What?”
“I posted we were going out to play pool, and I think we’re still friends.”
I wasn’t impressed.
When I missed, she aimed, missed her own shot, and laughed. She made a joke, but I didn’t hear it because he came over. He’d grown a neat beard, and it suited him, his hair was shorter but good. He looked well, if not tired, and maybe pale. I’d not really looked at him the last time I saw him.
“Poppy.”
At his voice, my knees went weak. I’d convinced myself I didn’t love him. But I did. Desperately. I wasn’t weak though; he’d get nothing from me. “What do you want?”
“To talk to you.”
I cued and potted a ball, making him wait. “I don’t think so.”
“Please.” He looked devastated. So upset, and I needed to hold him again.
His friends were watching.
“Absolutely no way. You made your wishes clear. I know what I am to you and being nothing but shit to someone I care about isn’t going to cut it. I’m worth more. Go back to your friends.”
I saw him cut with pain and felt the wound as if it were my own. Cleaved and reeling, I tempered the urge to cry and fall down.
“Poppy, that was cold.” Anne put her hand on my arm when he’d gone, and I winced.
“You don’t know anything about it.”
“No, I don’t. Tell me.”
“I can’t. I’ll fall apart,” I whispered. Numb was better. Safer.
I couldn’t look away from him as he walked back and grabbed his coat, walking out into the evening.
REGRET
When the table was clear, I put the cue away and let the next players on. They tried bantering with us, but I didn’t hear it.
Anne passed me my coat, and I slipped it on. The rain pelted us as we left, and I was glad Anne drove. The wipers scraped loudly, and before we went anywhere, she de-misted the screen.
“I’m really worried about you.” Anne side-eyed me.
“I’m worried too. The thing with Jeremy and technical Paul were bad, but they haven’t affected me particularly because I don’t care about them. They weren’t nice things, and they needed dealing with, but it’s in my capability to deal with them. Toby’s taken all the hope and optimism from me. He was proof that there are good men. Give me them. Not the nice ones who are only nice to get something.
“He hurt me but damaged me too. Part of me should feel satisfied for hurting him back, but it’s hollow. Who am I? I’m not the petty bitch, and I don’t like her.” My voice broke in that ugly way before I cry.
Anne didn’t answer right away. “You hold everything in. You always have. Bouncy Poppy was a performance, a way to cope with a world that dismissed you.”
“You’re right.” I needed to deal with myself. With this. I had to decide how to move on. Puffing out my breath, I put my seatbelt on, and we made our way home.
“What the fuck?”
I blinked out of my thoughts as Anne pulled over. Toby trudged past us still holding his coat, utterly soaked through.
“Oh my god.” I got out and grabbed his arm.
He turned. His skin was frigid under my grasp, and the sadness in his face made me feel ill.
“What are you doing?”
His teeth chattered, and he scowled, looking down.
“Come on,” I made myself gentle and urged him into the car.
Anne turned the heat up, and we looked at each other before she drove home. He didn’t speak.
When we got home, we helped him out and inside, and he just stood there in the living room with a blank expression dripping everywhere.
“Look, I’m going over to Vaughan’s.” Anne kept her voice low.
“Are you sure, I mean, he won’t mind?” Neither of us stopped staring at Toby.
“Probably, hopefully.” She wiggled an eyebrow and left.
I approached him with caution. “Come on, you’ll freeze.”
He nodded, and I took him upstairs. In my room, his teeth chattered harder, and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.
“Take a warm shower while I’ll put the kettle on and get your clothes dry, okay?”
His hands shook, and he tried to undo the buttons of his shirt but couldn’t. I held his icy hands, and my skin goosed.
He exhaled hard, chin wobbling. “I’m so sorry.”
I blinked back my tears and cleared my throat. “It’s okay, we’ll talk later, but you’ll get hypothermia at this rate.”
I undid the buttons on his shirt, and he stared at me. Being so close was torture, and the grief in his eyes stole my breath.
Pushing his shirt over his shoulders, he leant a little nearer. Wrangling the sopping fabric off his arms, I grabbed a towel, put it over his shoulders, and patted his skin dry. I started drying his hair too, his shaking getting worse.
“Toby, come on, you’ll catch your death.”
I undid his belt and the top button of his jeans, and he stilled my hands.
I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry.” I picked up his shirt.
He kicked off his shoes, removed his socks, and pushed his jeans down but the heavy wet denim tangled at his legs, and he sat on the bed.
Handing him my robe, I turned my back. Taking the bundle of clothes, I left him and put the washing machine on. My hands shook as I set the dial, still processing the fact he was in my room.
He was still sat on the bed when I came back with a cup of tea for us both.
I put the mugs down. “Shower?”
He shook his head. “Need to get dry really.” His voice was rough and quiet.
My heart dipped. I took off my boots and jeans. Toby slowly raised his head, eyes running up my legs.
“Get into bed.”
“I can’t.”
“Toby, I know you don’t like me anymore, and I won’t pretend this isn’t breaking my heart, but you’re turning blue. I’m not a monster and not going to do anything. This is what to do. Body heat helps.”
His breathing quickened, but he nodded and got into bed. Pulling my top off, I got in with him. I pulled the duvet tight around us and opened the robe, snuggling into him. He made me shiver with cold. Toby put his chin on my head, and the tension in his body slowly gave. His arms went around me, pulling me tight.
We both shivered in the qui
et dark, and as his skin slowly warmed, I stayed dead still. I wanted to kiss the skin near my mouth and rub my cheek on his chest. I didn’t.
His hand went up my back, and he held tighter. His shivering stopped, but he wasn’t still, shuddering his breath.
I pulled back. “What’s wrong?”
He wrapped me up in his hold again. My skin prickled when he spoke.
“I missed you so much.”
“I was right here.”
“I’m so sorry.” He held me tighter.
I couldn’t hold back, and weeks of anger and sadness broke out of me. He was the only one I’d ever opened up to and without him, I’d turned in on myself. I sobbed into his chest.
His voice broke. “Oh god, I want to take it all back, Poppy, my Poppy.”
I sobbed harder, and he kissed my hair and soothed my back.
We stayed that way for ages until I was spent with my sinuses blocked, but we were both warm and comfortable. My tears wet his skin, and I tasted salt.
Then I realised he was naked. And I wanted him; the need licked at my skin as I saw it play out in my head. I didn’t know what we’d do next, but I couldn’t let myself hope.
“I should get your things.”
I pulled away, but Toby held my elbow.
“Wait. Stay here. Just a little while longer.”
“I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because this is difficult. I said I wouldn’t do anything, and I won’t.”
“Do you want to?”
I went to get out of bed.
“Please, do you want to?”
“It’s not even that simple, but yes. That doesn’t mean I choose to still feel this way because I tried so hard not to love you and I can’t get rid of this feeling, but let me be clear, I’m not a game or a toy, and I’m not here for your convenience simply because of how I feel.”
He let me go, and I took my time getting his things from the washer-dryer. His clothes were warm, and I took them upstairs.
“I miss you. More than I’ve missed anyone in my life.” He sat up, shrugging off my robe. The sleeves only went to his elbows. I tried not to look at his body in the shadow of the dim room. He leant forward and clicked on the soft lamp. Toby stood, taking the pile of warm clothes and tossed them on the bed.
The Best Friends Anthology (A New City Story Book 5) Page 13