by S M Mala
‘Say it again.’
Stan had his arm around her shoulders and was pushing his nose into the scarf wrapped around her neck. ‘One more time.’
‘You’ll wake the baby.’ Maddy looked down at a sleeping Phyllis who was cuddled into a ball under a blanket in the buggy. ‘Mind you, no wonder she’s sleeping. She’s getting a little round tummy with all this pampering.’
‘Please?’
She stopped to a halt and turned up to look at the grinning face.
‘I love you, Stan. I love you very much.’
‘I love you too.’
They stood smiling at each other as she let out a happy sigh, then he gently kissed her on the lips before stepping back, her hand in his.
‘Maddy, don’t get mad but Linda emailed me about the fun run,’ he said, as his smile slipped. ‘She wants to have a little celebration in memory of Dora, and I said our local pub might be a good place. Dora liked it and…’ Stan stepped closer. ‘Are you going to do the run with me?’
‘I don’t know.’ Maddy glanced down at Phyllis. ‘It’s too much.’
‘And she asked me if you had opened the letter from Dora. Linda said it was really important that you did. What letter?’
‘Oh?’
Pushing the buggy down the path, she focused hard on getting back home to wrap presents and not think about the one thing that her mind was focused on.
To avoid opening the letter.
‘Aren’t you going to tell me?’ he asked, catching up with her. ‘Did she leave you something?’
‘Words. Lots of words that mean nothing unless she was here and she’s not.’
‘Words are very important and sometimes can help.’
‘Or hurt.’
‘Or love. They can show love.’
He gently pulled her arm so she would stop but Maddy knew tears would soon follow and she had promised not to cry again before Christmas. Bowing her head was the only way until he pulled her chin up to look at him.
‘You’re not alone. You have your friends and us. Don’t lock people out when they want to help. Let them help you. I’m here for you Madeleine Berkeley. There’s no need to be afraid.’
‘I can’t face it!’ she blurted out. ‘Her goodbye. I don’t want to see it or feel it. I’m not ready.’
‘She was a thirteen-year-old girl who adored you. What’s she going to say?’ Stan grabbed her by the shoulders. ‘Is that what has been on your mind all this time?’
‘I got the letter weeks ago, and I don’t know what to do.’
‘Open it.’
Sun rays broke through the grey sky as she looked up wondering if that was a sign, but still her heart felt heavy when she thought about Dora.
‘She loved this time of year. We both did. I’ve known her since she was a little girl and she helped me when I got poorly and made me see sense. A child did that for me. What did I do for her?’
‘You were her friend. You gave her love and happiness. What more could you have done? No matter what you think, the chances of Dora surviving were limited. I knew that when I first met her. You, my lovely barking Maddy, were so full of hope you didn’t want to see it.’ Stan hugged her tightly as she buried her face in his coat. ‘Then these past months you lost all hope, and that was sad.’
‘I am sad.’
‘But not when you’re with me.’
‘Not when I’m with you.’ He pushed her back and smiled. ‘You make me smile from inside then eventually it comes out, like poo.’
‘Tell me again.’
‘It comes out like poo.’
‘That you love me.’
‘I love you, Stanley Franks.’
‘Then open the letter if you do.’ Maddy took a giant leap back and shook her head furiously. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Don’t use emotional blackmail on me!’
‘It’s not emotional blackmail. Face it head on and remember you’re here and she’s not.’
‘Stanley!’ she shouted, making poor Phyllis jump. ‘What a horrible thing to say.’
‘Whatever she wrote, she wanted you to know something so read it and do what she says.’ Stan looked sadly down at the ground. ‘Because she might, just might make you feel better.’
‘Nothing can do that right now.’ Maddy reached out and touched his arm. ‘I’m scared, that’s all. You’re right. I’m here, and she’s not, but that makes me frightened to move on because I don’t want ever to forget her. I know bad things happen, but it should never happen to children. That’s just not fair.’
‘But Maddy, when is life truly fair?’
He had a valid point.
‘What’s so urgent, Marian?’
Maddy had been asked by her ex-boss to meet with her at the hospice. She didn’t want to go as she hadn’t been back since Dora died.
It was a week before the fun run and two weeks before Christmas. Maddy sat like a dead weight in the chair facing her, remembering all the years previously she had been running around with excitement arranging parties.
This year was different.
‘How are you?’ asked Marian, looking sympathetically at her. ‘I’ve not heard from you in months.’
‘Fine.’
There was the laughter of children in the next room as Maddy glanced at the tree in the garden, heavily decorated with fairy lights. They were sparkling against the grey, dull sky. Everything looked and felt Christmassy which Dora would have loved.
A heavy thud beat deeply into her heart.
‘They miss you,’ Marian whispered.
‘Who?’
‘The children.’
‘I’m not coming back.’ Maddy stood up. ‘I don’t need to, and I don’t want to.’
‘I know you’re still upset and I truly understand but what about the others? Because Dora was your favourite doesn’t mean that the other children don’t adore you also. I wish you could see how upset they’ve been not having you around.’
Maddy slumped back into her seat, knowing that was probably a well-rehearsed line to make her falter.
‘What do you want?’
‘I’d like you to come back in before Christmas and make their day. You know, the ones that can, will be doing the fun run and we want to open Dora’s area in the New Year. Maddy, you are a very important part of the team here, and we miss you.’ Marian, for the first time, looked genuine. ‘You need to come back as we need you. I need you.’
‘You don’t need me to prance around in a dog suit.’
‘I do, and they do.’ She cleared her throat. ‘I can see what her passing has done to you, and I know we’ve all be worried, but you’re looking better, much better.’
‘How do you know what I looked like?’ asked Maddy sitting up straight.
‘Stan.’ Her head fell forward. ‘He described how you looked in his column and that you simply lost the will to live. That’s a very sad thing to do as we know you love life and-.’
‘I did it for her, you know. All of my work was because of Dora. Now she’s not here I don’t think I’m much use to anyone.’ Letting out a deep breath, she felt sad hearing her words said out loud again. ‘The children will find someone else.’
‘Haven’t you thought that you’ve let them down too?’
Maddy double blinked at the comment, and her head instantly went numb.
That was the last thing she wanted to do.
‘How could I have done that?’
‘By not being here for when they and their parents need you. Lance is extremely poorly now, and there was no-one to give him a little boost. What you do is so important and crucial for the hospice. You can’t stop doing it.’ Then Marian faltered and seemed on the verge of tears. ‘I realised being here can be hard, but you bring sunshine. Since Dora died, there’s been a cloud over this place, and we need to blow it away. Please think about coming in before Christmas, just for me.’
‘Even being here is hard for me.’ She stood up. ‘But I’ll think about it. Where’s Lance?’<
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‘Down the end of the corridor in the summer wing.’
Her body froze knowing where it was and what it meant but she had to push away her feelings to see the little boy.
Not saying a word, she left the office and headed towards the room then stopped when she saw the painters decorating the area that was to be named in honour of her friend.
‘Dotty Dora’ the sign said, and Maddy wanted to cry from both the horror and happiness she felt in her chest on seeing it.
Things felt truly final, and she wanted to turn and run away.
She didn’t.
Lance was where she was going to go next to see if she could face another dying child once more.
Maddy had her doubts, but as she turned the corner, she noticed Jerome smiling at her.
It hit hard, the pain of losing Dora, and the future her little friend never got the opportunity to have.
‘I feel terrible.’
Maddy was sat in the corner of Ted’s office as he held her hand. ‘I’ve been selfish and today just only proved it more than ever. I haven’t been thinking about Dora. I’ve just been thinking about me.
She didn’t know who to talk to after speaking to Lance and Jerome. They were both pleased to see her and spoke about Dora in celebration, not in remorse. Each boy asked where Maddy had been and how she was truly missed from the hospice. New children had been coming in, and they had gushed about how Maddy made them feel better.
It chipped away at her heart each time they uttered a word.
Lance was very poorly, but he seemed positive and lively, in his own little way.
Jerome was getting stronger, and he was fighting the enemy within, hoping to beat cancer and be given the all clear.
Their determination, whichever the outcome was going to be, made Maddy realise why she loved those children and that place so much.
Hope.
If that was all they had, then it was good as it was going to get.
‘You were going through a bad time,’ Ted said, moving closer as he put his arm around her shoulders. ‘And they know it.’
‘Their lives could be so short, and I’ve been hiding away, licking my wounds and not thinking about them. That’s not the person I want to be, the person I am. Lance is ill, and he may have only a matter of weeks. I’ve not been there for him when he needed me.’ Maddy put her head in her hands. ‘What have I done?’
‘Look, you are dealing with it the best you can, and it’s tough.’ He pushed her back to sit up on the sofa and looked straight into her eyes. ‘Go back in and help those kids. Dora will have a part of the hospice named after her and tell everyone the reason why. When that girl was a child, she raised money to help her friends as well as herself. Don’t let her legacy ever be forgotten.’
‘But I’ve started, haven’t I?’ she said, trying to compose her grief. ‘I’ve let her down because I’ve not been there for her friends. In the month while I’ve been hiding, they’ve been fighting on their own. What was the point of me wanting to help when I just buckled at the first big fence?’
‘Someone you love dying isn’t a fence. It’s heartbreak.’ He grabbed her tightly as she buried her head in his shoulder, feeling the might of the hug. ‘Stan told me Dora left you a letter.’
‘Ah.’ She pulled away and looked at him. ‘She did, but I’m now too worried to read it as I know I’ve let her down. Dora would be so disappointed in me.’
Ted pushed her hair away from her face and smiled at her, shaking his head from side to side.
‘Barking Maddy, you’re only human, and I was really worried about you,’ he whispered. ‘You lost so much weight and looked lost in your thoughts. I did contemplate telling your parents what was going on but realised that would make it worse.’
‘I didn’t tell them about Dora.’
‘I know, but I did. Your mum wanted me to sling you on a plane to see them, but I said you were coping and needed to do it in your way.’
‘Thank you.’ Maddy let her head hang forward. ‘Ted, will you read the letter for me? I can’t do it.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘You understand my relationship with her, and I don’t want to see it in black and white that I’ve been a failure since her death.’
He laughed out loud, making her jump.
‘What’s so funny?’ she asked, confused by his reaction.
‘You’ll never be a failure, not in anyone’s eyes, only in yours. That’s what makes you perfect in so many ways. If only I fancied you.’
‘Don’t you think in my vulnerable moment you’re going to try it on!’ she said, pushing him away and watching his face light up in delight. ‘I know what you’re like.’
‘The idea never crossed my mind but expect Stan would have something to say about it, wouldn’t he?’ Ted eyed her with suspicion, still with a wide grin. ‘And you and Stan are?’
‘Are fine thanks.’ Maddy stood up, and he pulled her back down.
‘Have you fallen in love? Have you made him fall in love with you? Stasia says he is smitten, you know.’
‘Smitten? No-one uses that word anymore.’ She folded her arms and thought for a moment then turned to look into his bright eyes. ‘I am in love with him, and he says he loves me, but I can’t be sure of anything, can I? He might feel sorry for me. Remember Phyllis has a broken paw, so his head has been all over the place.’
She watched some women walk past his office, looking in and giving her friend the eye.
‘You’re not back on with Stasia, are you?’ Maddy frowned. ‘I mean I like her. She is Stan’s twin, but you’re hard to pin down.’ Then she cleared her throat. ‘Has Tara tried?’
‘No and no.’ He sighed, getting to his feet and pulling her up. ‘I’m happy being me and falling in and out of love.’
‘You mean lust?’
‘Is it lust between you and Stan or is it love? I know you’ve been after him since day one. And when he falls for you, you turn him away. Luckily Eugene had a word and put you straight.’
‘How do you know that?’ She stepped back, horrified that Ted had too much insider information. ‘Do you talk to people about me?’
‘Everyone talks about you especially since Dora.’ Ted put his hands in his pockets. ‘And you saw the light about Stan?’
‘You warned me off him,’ she replied defiantly. ‘And his column just added to it.’
‘Have you seen what he has written recently? That’s a man hopelessly in love with my best friend.’ He smiled. ‘Totally and utterly besotted with a woman who dresses in a dog suit.’ Ted cleared his throat. ‘Though of late, with your plain clothes, you’ve matured.’
‘You mean you can see my boobs.’
‘Something like that.’
‘Wake up.’
Maddy gently shook Stan as he slept. ‘I need to talk to you.’
‘What?’ he said, his face squashed against the pillow. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yes, I’m fine.’
‘Is it Phyllis?’
‘She’s snoring in the corner. I just need to speak to you about something.’
‘Can’t it wait?’ he tiredly replied, throwing his head back onto the pillow.
She looked at him up and down. The duvet is barely covering his backside and the smooth back. Even when he slept, Stan was sexy.
‘Yes, it can wait.’ Maddy sunk under the duvet and lay on her back, staring up at the ceiling before closing her eyes. ‘We can do it tomorrow.’
‘Go to sleep.’ She then felt his hand pat her cheek then stroke it as it slipped down and rested on her breast. ‘I love soft pillows.’
She grinned and decided her urgency to open the letter could wait.
But she couldn’t sleep.
Maddy’s mind was racing regarding the contents of the envelope, and after half an hour she decided that she had to read it.
No matter what Dora had written it would hurt her; she knew that not because of the words but because of the knowledge the child had t
hat she was going to die.
Opening her eyes slowly, she stroked Stan’s back to make sure he was asleep and quietly got out of bed. Phyllis looked up at her for a second then jumped up to where she had been lying down. The dog knew that Stan would figure out no-one was beside him.
She kissed Phyllis’s head and put on her dressing gown before heading downstairs.
Stan had left the Christmas tree lights on, and she smiled at her living room. Then she walked towards her rucksack and pulled out the letter, looking closely at the white envelope with her name written on it. As she opened it, there was another envelope, and this one had been decorated by hand. There were polka dots and pictures of wagging tails, pretty much like Maddy’s’ suit.
It made her smile.
A sudden bolt of pain hit her chest as her legs fell away and she landed on the sofa, gulping hard and dreading what was going to be written.
Carefully she opened the envelope, not wanting to rip the pictures and pulled out the pristine white sheet, carefully folded in half.
There was no turning back as she unfolded the paper and saw Dora’s letter, written by hand.
‘Dear Maddy
When you get this letter, I would have left. I told mum to give you this a few weeks afterward as I realise it would be the last thing you would want to read.
You need to know how happy you made me even at times when I was really sad. Your friendship has meant the world to me, and your love gave me something positive to hold on to in good and bad times.
My biggest wish is that you are happy. You are a wonderful person, and you have to keep on making others happy too. Don’t give up on my friends at the hospice but never give up on you.
Stan loves you, and you love Stan. He really does. And if you love him you would buy him guitar lessons with the jar of coins you want to throw into the Trevi Fountain. It would be money well spent because, as you say, he needs them or a hearing aid to see how badly he plays (hee, hee, hee!) I know you love him. I think you have from the first moment you met, that’s why you always wag your tail at him. Plus, you love Phyllis, your joint puppy. That truly makes me smile.