I Had That Same Dream Again

by Yoru Sumino

  “What the heck is that about?” She returned my refined greeting by spitting her words out on the ground, but I had already figured her out. She worked very hard to sound that way. “It’s not marvelous. Looks like it’s gonna rain.”

  “It didn’t sound like it was going to rain from the weather report. They said it was only a ten percent chance, which means that nine people said it wasn’t going to rain, and only one person said it was.”

  When I started to think about one person standing against nine, I had the urge to cheer them on, but I couldn’t do it. If it rained, I couldn’t meet with Minami-san here.

  “That’s not what the percentage means.”

  “Huh? Really?”

  “It’s based on how many days it rained in the past on days like this one. A ten percent chance means that if you took ten days like this from the past, it would’ve only rained on one of them. It doesn’t mean that one person was standing apart from their colleagues.”

  Once again, I was moved. That was Minami-san for you. I was thrilled to see that I had found the perfect ally for my adventure.

  “I guess if I’m the hero then she’s the fairy, and you’re the sage living in the forest.”

  “What’re you talkin’ about?”

  “There was something I wanted to ask you about,” I said.

  I launched into it straight away. I always was the type to eat the most delicious thing first.

  “About my story?” she asked.

  “I mean there is that, but this is something else. I’m dealing with a really difficult question in class right now.”

  “Is it a math thing? You need to deal with that stuff on your own, brat.”

  “That’s not it. I can solve my own math problems. This problem is really hard. It is part of language arts class. The question was, ‘What is happiness?’”

  “Happiness…”

  “Yeah. I wanted to ask what happiness means to you? It might give me some idea.”

  She did not answer me right away. She looked up at the clouded sky, stroking my little black-furred friend on the head. When she finally opened her mouth, her voice was clouded as well.

  “I’ve never known happiness.”

  “Not even when you’re writing? You aren’t happy then?”

  “Writing is fun, but I dunno if it makes me happy. I think happiness means being more fulfilled than that. Like your heart is full of good feelings.”

  She gave me an idea that was easily comprehensible. Only a high-schooler could give such a reply so readily. I wished I could grow up more quickly.

  “I see…so that’s why I’m happy when I’m eating a cookie with vanilla ice cream on top.”

  This also meant that I was filling Skank-san’s and Granny’s hearts with good feelings just by showing up. I was so overjoyed, it felt like the sky might clear right then and there.

  “Minami-san, when does your heart feel full?”

  I looked at her arm. There was no blood today, but she quickly hid the scabs with her hand.

  “Never.”

  “Does that mean you don’t have any happiness?”

  “Probably,” she said, mimicking me, mimicking her.

  “What about when you’re reading books? Or eating sweets?”

  “It’s fun, and those are tasty, but I don’t think that’s happiness,” she said, feigning gruffness.

  “What about when you’re eating dinner with your mom?”

  “My mom and dad are gone.”

  “Gone? Do they live somewhere else?” How typical of a high school student, I thought.

  “They’re dead.”

  My tiny jaw dropped in shock. Minami-san forced my lips shut with her fingers and let out another sigh. She did not look me in the eye.

  “They died. A long time ago, in an accident.” Her fingers were gripping her skirt. “It’s been a long time, so I don’t cry about it anymore. Still, I think even a brat like you can understand why I’m not happy.”

  She still did not meet my eyes and so she had not noticed. But the little one sitting on her lap was looking right at me. I quickly placed a hand over her tiny eyes.

  “So, sorry,” she said. “But I can’t help you with your home—”

  Minami-san finally saw my eyes, and they silenced her. She saw my face and, in one clean movement, reached into her pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. It was not stained with blood today. She handed it to me.

  I made use of it right away.

  “You can keep that.”

  In the end, I was unable to say anything more that day. Looking at it later, the handkerchief she gave me had the same pattern as one my father bought for me once. I began to wonder if Minami-san’s father had given it to her.

  I left her behind and traveled to Granny’s house, to find that she had baked sweets for me again today. However, before she offered me any, she asked “What’s wrong, Nacchan?”

  As I sipped the orange juice she’d poured, I told her about Minami-san. However, I avoided the parts that would bring up Minami-san’s notebook and her precious story. I was worried that Granny might grow cross with me. I was a horrible child in that way. And yet, Granny offered me the financier cake she had made.

  “I think that girl, Minami-san, is happy,” she said mysteriously.

  I shook my head with such force I’m surprised it didn’t come off. “I don’t think she is.”

  “No, she most certainly is. After all, she met you, the first person to ever cry for her. That’s why she gave you her precious handkerchief.”

  I looked down at the damp, soiled handkerchief.

  “So, there’s no reason to worry so much over it. And there’s no need to apologize to her. Still, I want you to promise me one thing, Nacchan.”

  I looked her straight in the eye and nodded.

  “The next time you see Minami-san, greet her with a smile. If you like her, that is.”

  “I do like her!”

  “Then you have to fill her heart up with memories of your smile, rather than all those painful things.”

  “I wonder if I can.”

  I felt unusually weak, but Granny placed her soft hands on my slim shoulders.

  “People can’t get rid of their sad memories. But if they can make lots of good memories, then they can live happily. Your smile has the wonderful power to do just that. For Minami-san, and for me.”

  “I wonder…”

  I thought of Minami-san’s face when she had handed me the handkerchief. I screwed my eyes shut, and thought with all my might—with my brain that was sharper than those of the other children, but not yet at the impressive level of an adult. And then, I made a decision.

  I met the gaze of my little friend with her own shining eyes, then stood, displacing her from my lap.

  “Granny, I’m going home now. I need to hurry up and finish reading The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn!”

  “Aha, well if that’s what you’ve decided, then you better go do it! What about your snack?”

  “I’ll take it with me!”

  The sweet, tender financier tasted how I thought the sun would, if you made it into a dessert. And I realized that the sun had reemerged from the once-cloudy sky, as well.

  On the way home, I saw that adult from before in the park at the bottom of the hill. However, I still could not remember who he was.

  Chapter 4

  A FEW DAYS LATER, after giving lip to the idiot boys, admonishing the cowardly Kiriyuu, and recommending the tale of Huck Finn to Ogiwara, I sat on the rooftop again.

  I always visited around now, when Minami-san was there. I looked up to the sky and let out a deep full-bellied breath, as satisfied as if I had just eaten a big hamburger.

  Minami-san stared ahead the whole time, stroking my fine-furred friend on the back. I thought as hard as I could about how to put the feelings that had come flooding from the bottom of my heart into words. Then I turned to Minami, who sat beside me.

  “Life is like a goat.”

&n
bsp; “What the heck does that mean?”

  “When I read a wonderful story, I could just eat it right up and it would nourish me.”

  “I don’t think that’s true.”

  “Huh? But I feel completely full right now, and I just read a wonderful tale.”

  Worried that my whole body would burst with the excitement, I took a deep breath and, as I breathed out, I called out to Minami-san.

  “Minami-san! You’re amazing! I can’t believe you could write a story like this! You’re incredible!!!”

  I offered her my utmost respects.

  As I had told her before, I had dreams of writing my own story someday. However, I had one other secret. In fact, I had already tried writing plenty of stories in the past. But whenever I tried, it never came out right. I could never bring characters like Tom or Homeless Huck into the world. It made me depressed, as depressed as if one of Granny’s muffins had gotten stuck in my throat. At this rate, I wondered if I might just wither away.

  To me, Minami-san, who could pen such shocking turns and such compelling characters, was more impressive than any important person on TV. I couldn’t help but want to know how to write a story like this. Minami-san, however, suddenly went quiet, and would only say, “I see,” no matter what I said to her.

  “I wish everyone could read this story!”

  “No way. No one is ever gonna see this.”

  “What a waste. You’ve gotta have more people read this. Life is like an afternoon break.”

  “Because you get to eat a tasty lunch?”

  “Because there’s only so much time, so you’ve gotta fill it with as many wonderful things as you can. I wish everyone could read your story during their forty minutes.”

  “Enough with the flattery,” Minami said.

  Although I was speaking truthfully, she took the notebook from my hands. She never let me hold onto it for very long. Honestly, I wished I could take the whole thing home with me and finish reading the story there. I could only read it when I was up on the rooftop, and it had taken me days. She probably thought I would get it dirty with juice or ice cream or something, but I would never do such a thing. I preferred being tidy.

  “Well, that’s fine,” I said. “That means I’m your very first fan. I’m looking forward to your next story, too.”

  Minami waved her hand, still not looking my way. Then she looked up suddenly, as though something was falling from the sky. “Oh yeah…you find your answer about what happiness is yet?”

  Minami-san’s story still had its clutches on my heart, but Hitomi-sensei had taught us never to ignore someone speaking to you, so I gave her a proper reply.

  “No. I’ve thought of a lot of different things, but I still don’t have an answer that’ll surprise everyone, or impress Hitomi-sensei. Honestly, I don’t have a lot of time. Apparently only having half our thoughts together is enough, so we have to present at our next class observation day, too.”

  “Yeah?”

  Minami sounded as though she was truly paying attention. I felt the sounds seeping into me—it was a wonderful feeling. My little friend, lying on Minami’s lap and having her belly stroked, looked truly pleased as well.

  “If you think of anything,” I said. “Let me know.”

  “It’s not something you can come up with that easily. Although, well…lately I think I have been a little happier than usual, getting to spend time with this gal like this.”

  Miss Bobtail licked Minami-san’s hand and meowed, although it was unclear whether or not she knew she was being praised. Whose eye was she hoping to catch someday with those coquettish glances?

  Although I glared at my little friend, I was glad that Minami-san was happy. Everyone I liked should be happy, and everyone I didn’t like should just disappear.

  I noticed then that the scabs on Minami-san’s wrists were all gone.

  I stood up, stretching my arms out high as if to reach up to the blue sky. Right now, I was too small to even reach up to high shelves, but if I kept going, I might stretch myself out tall enough to touch the basketball hoop in our yard.

  Seeing me stand, Miss Bobtail looked my way and climbed down forlornly from Minami-san’s lap. Minami-san, of course, did not look at me.

  “I’ll see you next time then,” I said. “Hurry up and write your next story, I can’t wait to read it!”

  “Do what you like.”

  “That’s right! I still don’t know what answer to give about happiness, but reading your story made me happy.”

  Minami waved to me again silently, or so I thought. But a voice, softer than my own childish tone, came as if carried on the wind.

  “Thanks.”

  I left Minami-san’s rooftop with my chest warm and my heart full, and decided to head to Skank-san’s place for the first time in a while. I hadn’t been there in a few days, but even those few days were far longer than Skank-san and I should have ever spent apart. Skank-san felt the same way. She was drinking coffee when she greeted me in her cake-like cream-colored building down by the river.

  “Been a while, little lady. How’ve you been?”

  “I’ve been keeping myself calm, but I’ve had lots of energy, too.”

  “I see? This little one’s been a Jiji to your Kiki, then, huh?”

  “Unfortunately, I still can’t do magic. So, I’d say we’re more like Charlie and Snoopy. Even if I’m a girl and she’s a cat, instead of a boy and a dog.”

  “I’m sure you’ll be able to do it someday. All right then, come in. Just so happens I’ve got some cake today, and milk too.”

  “I’ll have some!”

  As I sat in her apartment eating cake, I explained to Skank-san why I had not been there in some time. Then I asked her about Minami-san.

  “I don’t think Minami-san is weird in the head,” I said. “She can write really good stories, too! But I think it’s weird that she cuts her own body if her head is normal. Do you know why she’d do something like that?”

  I saw the space between her brows tighten. Unlike my own eyebrows, Skank-san’s were sharp, so sharp that I could imagine them making a ka-shing! sort of sound.

  “Mm, people are like that sometimes. It’s something you have to ask the person themselves about. They might want to see blood, or they might just be curious, or it might calm them down.”

  “She said that it calms her down.”

  “Yep, so did that help you understand it?”

  “Not at all. I tried scratching my arm, just to see, but all it did was hurt and leave a red mark.”

  “Right? So really, I think that it’s something only the person doing it can understand. But it’s all right not to understand, particularly for you. When you saw this girl, you wished that she would stop hurting herself, right?”

  “Yeah, I hate knowing that my friends are feeling hurt.”

  “That’s right. I think if you understood the reason someone might hurt themselves, and you started doing it too, then I would want you to stop. So, there’s no need for you to understand it. It’s just like I told you before: I think it’s wonderful for you to only be able to enjoy the sweet parts of the pudding.”

  “But…but Skank-san! I really want to understand how she’s feeling!”

  “Mm, of course.” She held up a finger, just like Hitomi-sensei would. “Little miss, do you know what number I’m thinking of right now?”

  At this sudden, strange question, I stared into her eyes as though I might be able to see through her skull. But I still could not do magic, and I could not see into her head, no matter how hard I tried.

  “E-eight?”

  “Wrong. The correct answer was twenty-four. You see? No one can magically look into someone else’s heart. That’s why humans have the power of thought. You want to know things about your friends, but you don’t understand the feeling of wanting to cut your own arm. In that case, you have to think about it, about what she might be thinking. Then, you’ll come to know it, little by little.”

&nbs
p; “Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.”

  “You really are a clever girl.”

  Skank-san praised me, but it felt a bit wrong. She was the one who was really clever, giving me such a straightforward answer. I watched her casual motions. She really was exactly how I hoped I could be in the future—the beautiful and clever Skank-san, sipping coffee. If only I could write stories like Minami-san and bake sweets like Granny too, then I would be the perfect adult. I wouldn’t even have to do magic.

  Naturally, I could not beat the sharp and wonderful Skank-san in Othello today, either.

  “Good luck with your observation day,” she said as I departed.

  “Of course! I’ll show them all my smarts,” I replied, leaving the building and walking home beneath the setting sun.

  As I walked along the riverside embankment with Miss Bobtail, who was still in high spirits from her milk, I thought of the rapidly approaching happiness presentation and decided to consult the evening sun. There was a chance that what Skank-san had said about thought might be a big hint.

  I reached the stairs down from the embankment. I was walking thoughtlessly, so it took me a while to notice the boy approaching me.

  “Oh, Kiriyuu-kun! Salutations,” I called out.

  “K-Koyanagi-san!” he replied, hiding behind the adult he was walking with.

  Miss Bobtail hid behind me as well. I smiled, thinking how funny it was to meet so many acquaintances here, and realized something else fortunate: I had the answer to a question that had been plaguing me for some time.

  “Good afternoon,” said the man who was walking with Kiriyuu.

  It was the man who I had come across a few times recently in the park at the bottom of the hill. Indeed, although I’d had no luck remembering who he was before, I realized that he was Kiriyuu-kun’s father. I had seen him once at a sports meet, but that single encounter was not enough to fully remember him. I suddenly felt wonderful, as though something that had been stopping up my throat was finally removed.

  “Good afternoon!”

  I returned his greeting cheerfully. Kiyiruu-kun still hid behind his father. I really wished that he would stop. He made it seem like I was picking on him.

  Kiriyuu’s father was not wearing his horribly depressed face today. I’m sure he had all sorts of moods, just as I did, but today he was in good spirits. It was wonderful to see. The two of us conversed about all sorts of trivial things.