Where We Meet Again

by Wilson, A. M.

The oxygen mask covering his face looked uncomfortable and foreign. Seeing him in that state tore my already abused heart to shreds. I couldn’t believe I was about to do this. To take care of my own selfish mistakes and leave my dying brother behind.

  “What are… you doing… here?”

  “Shh. Don’t talk. Just listen.”

  I launched into the story, not leaving out a single detail. Minutes in and his hand searched the bed blindly for mine. When he found it, the tight grip sent a rush of emotion into my throat. Sadness coated my vision, and the pain at all I was going to miss carved up a permanent residence in my chest.

  “I don’t want to go.”

  “You… have to.” He forced out, coughing between the words. “I’ll be… okay. And so will… you.”

  “I’m so scared, Witchy.” And I really was, automatically slipping into using the old nickname I’d given him.

  “You’re strong. Strongest person… I know.”

  The thought made me laugh. “Yeah right, I’m weak. You’re the strong one, laid up in a hospital bed and comforting your stupid sister.”

  “I love you,” he croaked.

  “I love you, too. I’m going to get a job as soon as I get settled, and once I do that, I’ll start sending you money, okay? Don’t you worry. I’m still going to take care of you the best I can. And, now that I won’t be in school, I can work all the time–ˮ

  His grip got painfully tight. “You will not. Finish school. Get a GED. Promise me.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know if I can. I need the money to support us.”

  “Promise. Me.”

  For the first time since my brother got sick, I lied to his face. “I promise you.”

  Leaving that room was like cutting off my arm and leaving it behind. From that day forward, a part of me was always missing, hollowed out like it’d been surgically removed and the surrounding tissue never grew back in its place. With Evelyn’s birth, a new piece of me grew, but it felt like an implant, rather than a replacement for the place where Ritchie once was.

  22

  Alarms ringing and people shouting startle me awake. A nurse grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me out of the room. “Ma’am, you need to give them room to work.”

  “No! Please, help her, please!” Fear soars inside of me. My beautiful baby girl is coding right before my eyes.

  I’ve worked through a lot of traumas over my years as a paramedic. I’ve seen it all from infants to the elderly, but there’s nothing that could have prepared me for the horror and pain of witnessing it happening to someone I love.

  “Please.” I watch them work on her, preparing the paddles to defibrillate.

  Someone else clamps onto my shoulders and pulls me from the room. “Come here, Cami. They need to do their job.” His voice mirrors mine, shaking with terror at what he’s witnessing. I try tearing his arms off me, scratching and twisting in his grip, but it’s no use. He has me in a hold I can’t shake. The fight seeps from me and he takes me from the room.

  Once removed I expect him to let go, to shove me away in disgust.

  He doesn’t.

  He pulls me to the other side of her doorway, far enough that I can’t watch and can barely hear what’s happening with my little girl, and he presses my back up against the wall, caging me in with his warm torso.

  One arm snakes around my waist, and the other grips the back of my neck. He presses my face into his chest and buries his in the side of neck. Sealing us both away from the outside world. He sways us, humming an unrecognizable tune in a deep, low voice that both hurts and soothes me.

  The sound of the shock being delivered startles me, and his arms grow tighter.

  “We got her back.” A voice announces, and my knees give out. Law cradles me as we sink to the floor together.

  “She’s okay, she’s okay, she’s okay, she’s okay,” he chants. I’m not sure if it’s more for himself or me. I want to argue that she’s not. That if her heart’s stopping, there’s nothing okay about her. But I keep that to myself.

  One by one, people file from the room, and I scramble to my feet. As I round the corner of her doorway, the doctor stands in my path.

  “What happened?”

  His mouth tightens, and he shakes his head. “It happens sometimes after a trauma. The body can only take so much. I’m sorry I don’t have a better answer for you. We’re going to run some more tests.”

  Law’s hand wraps around my shoulder, and I reach up to hold it in mine. “Is she going to be okay?”

  “Only time will tell. I know it’s difficult, but we’re in a period of wait and see. Until her body begins to heal, we won’t know for certain.”

  “Thank you.”

  He nods, and we step back to let him pass.

  Law and I take turns at her bedside, waiting for her to heal enough to wake up. I visit her friend Maggie on the other side of the ward when it’s Law’s turn. She made it through surgery and is doing well. Her injuries are less extensive but still severe. She also has the mental challenge of processing and moving forward from her mother’s death. I know from experience that it’ll take a long time.

  I’m home showering three days later when Law calls to tell me the doctor said they can try to wake her from the coma soon. We’ve been cordial with one another, but the distance that separates us grows more palpable as Evelyn’s condition improves. I don’t have a moment of doubt that once she wakes, the role he’ll continue to play in our new future will be revealed.

  Four days later, Evelyn opens her baby blue eyes. How I keep it together is a mystery. They remove the intubation tube, and I clutch my baby, mindful of her healing body, and tell her how happy I am to see her.

  With the help of the doctor, we piece together the accident and what’s coming. She takes the news hard, losing Lori even harder, and we end up sedating her for the rest of the evening. I send Law home to shower and sleep in an actual bed, while I take over the cot.

  The next morning, Nathan and Kiersten rotate in and out on their way to work. Neither stays very long, but both promise to return as soon as they can. Kiersten promises to bring movies and card games later in the week to keep Evelyn company so I can go home and get a proper night’s sleep. I just smile, because I don’t have the heart to tell her I’ll never sleep soundly again.

  Every time I close my eyes, the image of Evelyn all broken and bloody overcomes my mind like a nasty infection. Every time the silence stretches, I hear Nathan’s voice delivering me the news no mother wants to hear. Night after night, I wake up to the sounds of my own screams ringing in my ears. The torture I feel is a small price to pay compared to the road Evelyn has ahead of her.

  Law relieves me after my friends leave, so I can get some breakfast and drop into work. My boss has called twice in as many days, looking for an update on what I need and how much time I’ll be gone.

  I don’t want to be away from Evelyn for long, though, so I skip work, telling myself I’ll call them later, and grab a breakfast sandwich from the coffee shop next door.

  When I return, Law and Evelyn’s hushed voices float into the hall. I can’t make out the words, but they sound sweet conversing alone with one another. The thought of things that’ll never be send a dagger piercing through my heart.

  * * *

  Three weeks to the day of the accident, Evelyn’s released from the hospital. After several surgeries to fix the abdominal damage and her broken pelvis, she’s free to come home. She can’t get around by herself for another week, pending clearance from her surgeon. Even though her pelvis is quickly healing, he’s more concerned about her internal repairs.

  She isn’t too miserable, though, because Law and Kiersten keep her company.

  Because I’ve gone through much of our emergency stash with my previous injury, I need to return to work as soon as possible. At the start of her second week post–accident, I pick up extra shifts. My boss also orders me to weekly therapy, on top of my normal hours, to help me from suffering fro
m PTSD.

  Law stays at the hospital until she can go home, where he resumes looking after her while I work.

  I miss her so much that my stomach cramps constantly, and I call and text her nonstop. I’m certain the two gossip about my crazy behavior, but I can’t help it. I’m terrified.

  I’d come so close to losing her that every time I have to leave, it feels like it’s happening all over again.

  I worked two weeks straight of five-on-two-off shifts before taking my five days off. Doing so provides me with a paycheck that makes up for lost wages, and sets me back on my usual schedule of working with Nathan. After everything, I wasn’t sure if he wanted to remain my partner. What we went through the day of Evelyn’s accident completely wiped away any wrongdoings in my mind. Since I haven’t received notice of a transfer request, it appears he feels the same.

  As I settle in for five interrupted days with Evelyn, the uncertainty descends around my house like a dense fog.

  This morning, Law came around like he’s been doing for the past week. He avoided me while I got ready. As the day progresses, a sense of unease forms in my gut.

  He walked in with a basket full of Evelyn’s sheets while I was doing breakfast dishes. He’d been doing them all week, keeping her bedding fresh. The minute he hit the entrance to the kitchen and saw me, I watched through the reflection in the window as he dropped the basket on the floor and left without a word. I ended up washing her sheets.

  At lunchtime, instead of preparing her something to eat from the kitchen, he left and bought deli sandwiches simply to avoid me.

  I join them in the living room late afternoon, and the second my ass hit the recliner beside his he announces he won’t be around until I return to work. He requests to speak with me in private, and a challenge forms in my head. Not wanting to fight in front of my daughter, I pop out of the chair and return to the kitchen.

  “Why?” I ask, lowering my voice to keep Evelyn from eavesdropping. The two have formed a bond while I’ve been working, and I feel guilty being the reason he doesn’t want to stick around.

  If I feel guilty, I’m certain she’ll hate me for his absence.

  “You know why. I can’t be stuck in this house with you right now. Not for an hour, not for five days.”

  His words hurt, but they’re true. I deserve every one of them.

  I wonder if this is what custody feels like between divorced parents. Fighting over time with the kids, while trying to see the other parent as little as possible.

  “Don’t hurt her to get away from me. We can work something out. I can leave to give you two time. Do some grocery shopping or something.”

  Law drops his head and studies his boots. “Fuck that.”

  Ouch.

  I think about throwing it in his face that the groceries I buy feed Evelyn too, but knowing Law, he’d storm out and buy her a personalized stash of food that I wasn’t allowed to touch.

  “Okay, so what do I tell her? When she asks why you’re suddenly gone after sitting at her bedside for the past month?”

  “She knows where I’m going.” He jabs a finger in my direction. “You don’t need to know.”

  My mouth drops open. I quickly snap it shut, speechless.

  Yes, I hurt us beyond repair. I can only imagine how disgusted he is with me, but he’s not about to disrespect me in my home.

  “Fine,” I bite out. I hate that he brings out this side of me. I hate we can’t get along for her sake and instead act like two children fighting over a favorite toy. “Get out. Enjoy your time alone. But when you get back, you better bring a different attitude because I will not stand here and let you disrespect me in my own damn house.”

  I fume. He fumes right back.

  He glares. I glare right back.

  “Fine,” he grunts, and thunders down the hall.

  “Fine!” I shout at his retreating back.

  The front door shuts. Not with a bang, but there’s force behind it.

  “Mom?”

  Crap. The weight of it all nearly brings me to my knees. My head droops, and I grip the hair at the sides in frustration.

  Emotion toys with me. I feel the gamut. Anger, sadness, hurt, guilt, shame, regret. If I hadn’t told him, we could enjoy a different reality right now. One where we both spending time with Evelyn together as if we’re a family. We had that one glorious weekend a month ago that lined up the possibility of that future so perfectly.

  And I shattered it.

  The truth had to come out. I know that. Who am I to move us forward without giving him the one piece of the puzzle he’s been desperate to have for so long? What’s done is done. I can’t dwell now, just like I couldn’t dwell fourteen years ago.

  The trajectory of my future is forever altered.

  I don’t want a life of love if I can’t have Law. That’s clear to me. What we’ve been through the last few months changed me.

  The feelings I had for him before he showed up all stemmed from a lost childhood love. They were fantasy. We’d shared sweet kisses, happy memories, and hopes for the future. I was forced to give up the dream of him at sixteen, and I spent the next fourteen years surrounded by the what–if’s.

  This is different.

  These moments now are nights spent in the other’s bed. Kisses turned to passionate sex. The hopes of the future seemed more attainable than ever. Losing him now… there’s no going back from that. I’ve tasted the sweetness of having him as an adult, and that addiction will follow me for the rest of my life.

  I wipe beneath my eyes with my thumb and index finger, careful not to smear my eyeliner, and walk back to Evelyn on the couch.

  Her face holds a concern she shouldn’t be feeling for me. I’m her mother. She’s my concern, not the other way around.

  I swallow my guilt and curl up in the recliner beside the sofa. It’s out of its usual place, because neither Law nor I couldn’t stand being more than two feet away from her.

  “Why are you guys fighting with each other?” Straight to the point. I’d be proud if I wasn’t already annoyed.

  “Adults have disagreements, honey. Nothing for you to worry about right now.” Reaching out, I comb her hair with my fingers.

  “You’ve been disagreeing for weeks. I don’t like it. I don’t like it because it makes you sad, and I don’t like it because I don’t want him to leave and never come back.”

  My hand freezes.

  When did she become so perceptive? And how do I answer that?

  “Do you know where he’s going right now?”

  I hold my breath as I await her response. I’m apparently not above using my fourteen-year-old for information. Besides, I’m going somewhere with this.

  She nods. Her mouth falls open, and then she snaps it closed and moves her gaze out the window.

  “What is it?”

  She shrugs. “He said he had to go back home for a while. And that he didn’t know when he’d be back.”

  Does home mean his house or does home mean Logansville?

  She looks at me, and what I see in her eyes nearly stops my heart. “He likes you, Mom. He didn’t tell me that, but I know he does. I see how he looks at you when you aren’t paying attention. And I like having him here. I’ve never had a dad before, and I know he’s not my dad. He said he doesn’t have any kids, but he should. I don’t know what it’s like, having a real dad, but I think he’s doing things a dad would do, and I like that.”

  “And…” she bites her lip, suddenly nervous. “Well, if you don’t like him, I think you should because he likes you and I like him. We could be like an actual family or something. I don’t know.” Her voice trails off, and she pulls her blanket over her head.

  I’m speechless.

  Scratch that on her being perceptive. This isn’t perception. This is her living in a fourteen-year-old’s imaginary world. I know the damn feeling all too well.

  “Evelyn,” I call gently. I want to see her face as we talk about this. Letting her down is going
to hurt us both.

  My fingertips graze the blanket over her head, but her choked voice makes me pause. “Don’t. Leave it,” she cries hysterically.

  Why is she crying?

  I peel the blanket over her head anyway, and she doesn’t fight me. The sight of her tear–streaked face tears my heart into pieces. “Oh, Evelyn,” I sigh. “What’s going on, honey? This is more than me fighting with Law.”

  Her lower lip quivers in a way that tells me she’s on the verge of breaking down. I slide out of the recliner onto my knees beside the couch and pull her into my arms. “Talk to me.”

  “It’s just that I don’t have a dad, and he’d make a really good dad.”

  My arms tighten and give her a shake. “But, you have an awesome mom.”

  Her breath hitches as she tries to suppress a sob. “Maggie didn’t have a dad. She only had a mom, and her mom d-d-died. Now, she’s all alone.”

  Oh, god.

  I knew she hasn’t been dealing well with the loss of Lori. We missed the service, because Evelyn was still in the hospital after having another surgery. I think it made her feel guilty. I tried having a therapist talk to her. She opened up some, but it seemed the only thing to help the grief would be time.

  What she never shared is this fear of losing me and being alone.

  A lump forms in my throat, and I blink back tears of my own. It takes everything in me to keep my voice steady and reassuring when it’d be so much easier to cry with her.

  “Evelyn, look at me.”

  I expect her to be hesitant, but her tear–filled eyes shoot to mine, wide and searching, as if I hold all the answers in the world. I wish I did. The only thing I can do is try my best and help her understand.

  “The world can be a terrifying place. I wish I could tell you differently, but bad things happen to good people all the time. It’s horrible and unfair, and the sucky part is, there’s not a lot we can do about it. Maggie’s mom didn’t cause that accident. The black ice did. There wasn’t anything anyone could have done to stop it from happening. And that sucks baby. It sucks a whole lot. Lori was a beautiful person. A great mom, a good friend to us. We’re going to miss her for a long time.” I wipe away the tears rolling down her cheeks. More follow, but the gesture comforts me. “But you need to understand that you are loved. So loved. You need to understand that even when bad things happen, that love will help you through it.”