Teaching Tania - the Case of the Cat Crimewave
Page 6
Albert Einstein, as a young and particularly gifted scientist, was probably one of the most potentially dangerous child geniuses of all time. Given the general predilection of all boys to experiment with the manufacture of fireworks, can you imagine the destructive potential of a boy who actually understood what he was doing. The solution in Einstein’s case was to pack him off at a tender age to university, where some adults of almost comparable intelligence could keep an eye on him and encourage him to invent the Theory of Relativity and its by-product, the time-machine. Unfortunately, with Tania’s recent escapades you will be hard pushed to find a maximum-security prison willing to offer her a place, never mind a university.
In medieval times you could have sent her to a convent, but such a course today would outrage the feminist movement. And I would say that you had enough troubles with the two females closest to you, without incurring the wrath of the whole female gender.
In short, you seem to be in a bit of a bind, and I really am at a loss what to advise, other than immersing yourself in your work and leaving your daughter’s growth pains in your wife’s hands. You know from bitter experience, however, that whenever something goes wrong you will be blamed, and that Tania’s Mum, when angry, is extremely dangerous. Perhaps you should hire that security guard on a permanent basis.
Get well soon, but not too soon,
Tania’s teacher,
J.
Chapter 20. Interpersonal skills
Dear Tania,
Mrs G asked me to pass on a message to you. You were the perfect guest again, your manners were exemplary, you were very helpful about the house, and you were interesting and amusing company. She has a lot of experience with children, and she fervently wishes that all children could be like you.
I think she is possibly your only fan at the moment. Although I have often remarked on your nearly perfect English grammar and your excellent spelling, my admiration has been somewhat tempered by recent events. Your father and mother, were they in any condition to speak, would not, I feel, be generous with their compliments. As for Honza’s parents, you have probably sunk below even Czech politicians in their estimation. Your friendship with Honza himself is almost certainly under threat. I don’t know quite what the poor boy is thinking about, no doubt bound and gagged in some dark room under the watchful eye of machine-gun bearing thugs, but it’s probably not “What a wonderful time I’ve having, and all thanks to my good friend Tania."
It seems to me that you are in the middle of something of a crisis in your personal relationships, and that it is perhaps time to give you an injection of the excellent advice which from time to time I am able to offer.
First of all, let me tell you that none of this is your fault. You have been making the serious and fundamental mistake of being honest. You are a child, and have been brought up to believe that telling the truth is the cornerstone of our society, and that liars pose the very gravest dangers to our future. I don’t know why we adults insist in teaching such heresy to our offspring, because the opposite is actually the truth. Our whole society and civilization functions with, by, and thanks to lying. In recently expanding your vocabulary to include the words ‘ruse’ and ‘subterfuge’, you perhaps began to get a whiff of this well hidden fact.
Let me begin by saying that lies come in various forms, and, surprisingly, not all of them are forbidden to children. When a teacher encourages you to use your imagination, to write a story, to make something up, this is an open invitation to lie. Only we must not call such activities ‘lying’. In this form, the process of telling untruths is known as ‘fiction’, and it is usually totally and completely acceptable. Many teachers, however, don’t like it when fiction is used to explain lateness for school or the non-appearance of some piece of homework, although this is an attitude I personally find somewhat ungenerous.
The second kind of lie you know already, the famous ‘ruse’. (or ‘subterfuge’, a synonym is always a useful weapon in your linguistic armoury.) As you may recall, even children can get away with this kind of lying, providing that they are exceptionally cunning and inventive, although with his kind of lie we are beginning to introduce the idea of ‘self-interest’.
(Self-interest is a major philosophical problem for modern society. Religious people think it is wrong and we should all be altruistic and dedicate our life to others. Capitalists, on the other hand, have been taught that it is self-interest – and here you should note that ‘greed’ is a good synonym for ‘self-interest’ – which has been the making of our affluent modern society. Almost all people believe themselves to be religious, although they don’t go to any kind of church, while also considering themselves good capitalists, although they are invariably rather poor. As you can imagine, such a self-image generates a bit of a schizophrenic situation when it cones to taking a moral view on self-interest).
The next kind of lie is a white lie, and here we are beginning to move away from what is conventionally regarded as acceptable behaviour for young children. This is a lie which we tell ‘for the person’s own good’, for example
“I really do like your hair, Mum”.
On one hand children are not encouraged to tell this kind of lie, but if a child is honest enough to say
“Mum, you’re not going to go out with your hair like THAT!”
she is immediately branded as impertinent and unfeeling. This is the kind of inconsistent behaviour which young people find totally confusing, but which is, in fact, the norm in adult life.
The next kind of lie is the blatant lie as practiced by politicians, businessmen, teachers, parents and indeed everyone over the age of maturity. Examples are
“We will reduce taxes” or
“This is the best value money can buy”.
This is a very dangerous practice, because you are almost always found out. That is why there are several accepted strategies for denying that you have ever said what you did say. Firstly, you must deny vehemently ever having pronounced such a statement – if you have lied once it’s no problem to lie twice. You may be unlucky enough to find someone who made a recording of your actual words, and the expression you need for this is ‘out of context’ as in, for example,
“You are taking what I said out of context. When I said ‘reduce taxes’ what I meant was............................................................................................................................................................so I did in fact warn you that they might need to be increased.”
These two ploys usually take care of most challengers, but if you come across someone really obstinate and persistent, you can say, with a dismissive wave of the hand,
“You obviously completely misunderstood what I said.”
Once you have mastered the art of the blatant lie, you are well on the way to becoming a real adult, and there only remains the ultimate goal, mastery of the art of ‘self-deception’. This is exactly what you need to if you are to be successful in your relationships with other people. People are, unfortunately without exception - and I include myself in this -, not very nice. We are selfish, greedy, and all the things which we don’t like in other people. If we were honest, we would say,
“Who could possibly like a person like me?”
but since the answer to that question is unacceptable to us, we construct another, much nicer, person who is much more lovable, and then we lie constantly to ourselves until we believe that we are this new person.
And so we come back to the idea of fiction. What you have to do, Tania, is to make up, create, invent your own character, that of a wonderful and appealing little girl, and then display it to the world.
But in the meantime, my advice to you is to get in as much practice as you can in not telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,
Your teacher,
J.
&nbs
p; Chapter 21 Advice to a Prisoner
Dear Honza,
I hope this letter reaches you OK. I used the same dead-letter-drop set up for Tania’s kidnap, but I don’t know if your captors are still using it. I thought by now they would have contacted me with their ransom demands, but, so far, nothing. A horrible thought strikes me that perhaps they have bumped you off, but no body has been discovered as yet, so I have resolved to remain optimistic. Of course, if you are actually reading this letter, it must mean that you are still alive and the baddies are still in contact. If you could arrange to communicate some sign of life to me (or if you, Mr Anonymous, could do it, as no doubt you too have been reading this letter) I
would be very grateful.
I know you have enough worries of your own at the moment, and I don’t want to add to them, but I have to tell you that your parents reacted rather badly to the news of your disappearance. If you are allowed to send postcards – get-well cards would be more appropriate - they’re in the hospital where you went to see Tania’s parents. But if they won’t let you send any communications, don’t worry too much as they are in no state to read anything anyway.
Tania is very concerned about you, especially as she feels she is in some way responsible for your plight. She wants me to ask you to forgive her for all the problems she has caused you, and she hopes that your mutual friendship won’t be permanently damaged by this unfortunate incident, assuming, of course, that you survive.
We came looking for you as soon as we could, but I suppose it was too much to hope that the criminals would stay on at the flat once they realized that Tania knew where it was. When we got back there, they had obviously taken flight with you to wherever you are now, leaving little sign except the unwashed dishes and those poems in the style of Pushkin that Tania was writing. She tells me she is going to finish them and dedicate them to you, hopefully not posthumously.
I wonder what kind of conditions they are keeping you in, and I fear the worst, because they must be nervous after Tania’s escape. (If you read this, Mr Anonymous, feed the boy well and don’t deprive him completely of TV cartoons and video games). However, Honza, if you are being kept bound and gagged in a darkened room, at least you will have plenty of time for reflection, and this is a very good thing.
Reflection is by far the best of all human activities. For one thing, it requires only a minimal amount of energy, and therefore is extremely environmental friendly. But also, if people would only restrict themselves to thinking, and gave up speaking and doing things, what a happier and safer place the world would be! While I realise that in practical terms such a scenario would be impossible, - we need someone to produce food, for example- there are large numbers of people whose words and actions can only be described as harmful to the human race. Politicians for example, and also, recently, Tania. And it goes without saying – but I’m saying it anyway – that massive improvements in society could be made if everyone dedicated a lot more time to thinking before talking or doing anything. So I recommend that you take advantage of your free time to think carefully about your situation.
Obviously, the thought uppermost in your mind at this time will be escape, but I’m afraid that this will be a much more difficult task for you than it was for Tania. It is really too much to hope for that your captors will make the same mistake twice and leave the building without locking the door. This would be an outside chance even if you were in the custody of the Czech police, or in one of the new United Kingdom privatised prisons. You can expect that you will be watched very, very closely, so please think carefully before trying anything daft. I had enough problems explaining your current predicament to your parents, and I don’t know what I would say if something worse happened to you.
To tell the truth, I’m not really confident that you will be able to escape if left to your own devices. However, don’t worry, help is at hand, or will be shortly. Even now your classmates, under Tania’s expert guidance, are working on your rescue plan. They have strict instructions to check everything with me, and do NOTHING until we are sure it will be O.K., so hopefully there will be no more problems, and you will soon be safely back home sitting happily in front of your computer.
In the meantime, we are still trying to find out what happened to the cats so any information you can glean from your kidnappers would be useful in the future,
Tania’s Teacher
J.
Chapter 22 A Thank-you letter
Dear Tania’s class,
Thank you for your letter. May I say that your English grammar is very good and your spelling is almost without errors? I suppose Tania helped you with it, but even so I am impressed at finding such a high standard among students whom I have not taught personally.
Rather than Tania’s class, I have decided to call you Tania’s gang. This is more colloquial and less formal, and I feel it is more appropriate to the circumstances. Let me assure you, however, that, in spite of what you might think, the term ‘gang’ is in no way an ‘Americanism’, and so you can use it safely in polite society without fear of scorn. It is generally true that in the linguistic trade between the homeland of the English language and the former colonies of North America, the quality goods have travelled westwards and the rubbish has moved in an eastward direction, with the possible exception of T.S. Eliot, whom I have mentioned before. However, you can be sure that anything you learn from me will be perfectly O.K., and if I ever have to utilise American expressions, I will always accompany them with a suitable health warning.
I would also like to thank you for electing me –in my absence- as the logistics and supply officer for the ‘campaign to free Honza’, and as the ‘spokesman to explain any unforeseen disasters to parents’. The recognition of the need for the latter position shows remarkable foresight among such a young group and confirms once again my conviction that children are more capable of running the world than adults. And you did well in assigning this particular responsibility to me, as I have recently acquired an enormous amount of experience in this field. Unfortunately, I cannot completely guarantee the subsequent condition of any parents to whom I may have to communicate any bad news, as I have had some rather disastrous results in this area in the past few weeks.
The first task you gave me is proving more difficult. Your request for four F-15 attack aircraft equipped with laser bombs did not receive a positive response from the US embassy here. It is apparently not policy to lend such equipment to amateurs. I did point out that these planes were ‘toys for the boys’ and that there were a considerable number of boys in your group, but they weren’t convinced. They weren’t even impressed when I told them that I was a fully qualified pilot of sports planes, as they seem to think that a modern sophisticated fighter aircraft is a bit more sophisticated than a small four-seater.
The Russians were no more helpful with the Kalashnikovs, claiming that they had hardly enough for their own soldiers without lending them to any Tom, Dick or Harry who asked for them. Even pointing out that my name was Jonathon didn’t help. However, they did say that anything could be arranged at the right price, and gave me a phone number (Prague 123123). As we don’t have any budget for this equipment, I didn’t phone it, but instead tried the Czech Army department. They told me that their economy was in difficulties, and they didn’t have any guns, even for their own soldiers. However, they did say that anything could be arranged at a price, and gave me a phone number (Prague 123123). I then had the brilliant idea of trying the Americans for the rifles, but they were only a little more helpful than they had been with the aeroplanes. There was no problem in supplying guns to anyone, they are freely available to any nutcase in the Unites States, but they were a bit sensitive about handing them out to people in foreign countries. However, they did say that anything could be arranged (by the CIA) if it was politically convenient, and they gave me a phone number (Prague 123123)
. When I phoned the number, I was told that I could only have the guns if I could prove that the kidnappers were card-carrying communists, but that anything could be arranged for a price.
I had more luck with the uniforms. Once again, the armies weren’t too helpful, but I think that it might be better not to draw attention to yourselves by dressing up like paramilitary commandos. But, if you don’t mind having ‘Coca-Cola’ or “McDonalds” splashed all over your T-shirts there’s a deal to be made. I have had a particularly interesting offer from a well-known international manufacturer of ladies cosmetics, which includes a year’s free supply of lipstick and face-cream for every member, including the boys. I suggested that perhaps your group didn’t really match their customer profile, but they felt sure you would all end up on the TV news, and they could just see their logo and smiling lips dabbed in ‘luscious crimson’ or ‘ice pink’ being beamed into millions of homes. The only condition is that you all have to wear the lipstick all the time. Maybe your parents won’t be so keen on the idea. Have a think about it and get back to me.
I’m also very impressed by your choice of Tania as Intelligence Officer. As her teacher I can certainly vouch for her intelligence. I can’t unfortunately say the same for her common sense, so I’m delighted you didn’t choose her as Commander-in-chief. In fact, you forgot to tell me who you chose for this role. Who was it?
It has just struck me that you gave me two jobs. Could you possibly have given Tania two jobs too? And could one of them maybe have been that of CIC? Now I am really worried.
If by chance you have made such a disastrous choice, I beg you to change it immediately. Commanders-in-chief have to make decisions, lots of them, frequently, and at least some of these decisions have to be if not right at least not badly wrong. It is difficult to choose, the right person for this job, because no one is infallible. Except perhaps Tania, who has consistently shown herself to be infallible at always making the worst decision possible.