Teaching Tania - the Case of the Cat Crimewave
Page 7
At least, let me make one very important request. Please, in no circumstances, DO ANYTHING without checking with me first. If Tania is in charge, believe me, this is very important,
Good luck,
Tania’s Teacher
J.
Chapter 23. A letter written in anger
Dear Tania,
How could you do such a thing? I am very annoyed. Even though this was the best piece of English writing you have ever done, I am really angry. Even though you made no mistakes whatsoever in grammar or spelling, I am furious with you. Even though you demonstrated a wide range of grammar structures and vocabulary, I am enraged. And, as you know my dedication to high quality English writing, you can well imagine that I am definitely not pleased with you.
We agreed, we absolutely agreed, that you would do nothing without telling me. This was a promise you made, and you broke your promise. I know that normal adults break promises as a matter of course, like they tell lies and bully children who are stupid enough to behave in the same way as they do. I can understand the telling of lies, indeed I have written to you about it, and sometimes I have even strayed from the truth myself. I appreciate that some teaching styles may require the gentle bullying of children, although I myself could never do such a thing. But not keeping one’s promises is something I find absolutely despicable.
My dedication to keeping any promises I make has not been helpful in my career. There are many professions from which I have been barred by this quirk of my character. I could never have been a politician, a head of industry, or a salesman, for example. But it is impossible in any profession to progress to a position of authority with good remuneration unless one is prepared to make promises which one has neither the intention nor the ability to keep. So only the lowly and poorly paid position of a teacher is available to me, and even in this humble post I often find it difficult not to compromise my integrity and make promises I cannot fulfill. So, unfortunately, I cannot expect you to be like me in this matter when you grow up. It would be totally unfair to deprive you of a worthwhile career and a high standard of living by instilling my rather old-fashioned and quaint ideas of morality. I only ask one thing, if you make a promise to ME, please don’t break it.
Your broken promise has had dire consequences. The plan, as you may remember, was for your gang to capture the kidnappers, not for the kidnappers to capture your gang. You got off to such a promising start too. The round the clock watch on the dead-letter-drop site was a brilliant idea, and very well executed. And I was very impressed by the way you tracked the kidnapper back to his flat, using a clever relay system coordinated by mobile phones. The patient surveillance of the flat and the carefully planned break-in were other plus points. The noiseless way you removed the glass from the window was a master stroke. And finding Honza’s room without waking the crooks was also well done. It’s a pity about the fatal flaw, leaving your mobile phones switched on. Shame that it was you, the leader, and the Intelligence (intelligence?) officer, whose phone rang in the middle of the rescue attempt and woke up the criminals.
Quite frankly, this time you have got me into a real mess, Tania, and I don’t know what I’m going to do. I have considered phoning the government and asking them to declare a state of emergency, but, when I tell them the facts, they would probably come to the conclusion that The Czech Republic is a safer place with you out of the way. My big problem is that I have tell all those parents that their little darlings are in the hands of some desperate criminals. My big fear is that this is going to place an intolerable burden on the emergency services. And my heart bleeds for your poor mother. I admit I found her a bit overbearing when she first phoned me, and thought that she could do with being taken down a peg. Nevertheless I would not have wished her to be reduced to her current state of a quivering jelly.
I’ve been trying to think of a suitable strategy for communicating this dreadful news to your friends’ parents. I have the list of names and phone numbers. What I’ll probably do is phone each one and say, for example,
“Hello, can I speak to little Jana, prosim?”
and when the unsuspecting parent informs me that the little pet is not currently within the confines of the family residence, I will add, in a suitably nonchalant manner,
“Have you ever considered the possibility that she may have been kidnapped?”
Then, in the unlikely event that the recipient of my call doesn’t faint, I will proceed to provide fuller details, ending with,
“The telephone number of the nearest hospital is Prague XXXXXX. You will probably need it once the news sinks in.”
Overall, I think this is perhaps the least painful way of breaking the news, but it is unenviable task with which you have saddled me.
There is one piece of good news in all this - the kidnappers have let you write this letter. It’s bad enough having to deal with a mass kidnapping, without having also to put up with a ransom note written in unintelligible English. In response to their rather unspecific demands, may I suggest that you try to convince them to release you. Tell them that they should let you go, right away, and then they should leave the country. Inform them that I’m working on a surefire foolproof infallible plan to get you all out of there, safe and happy, and that this plan involves inflicting severe pain on their persons. Let them know that, even though I am a long-serving pacifist and supporter of the world-wide abolition of capital punishment, with an unshakable conviction in the sanctity of human life and limb, I am quite prepared to set aside such beliefs in their case. That should get the wind up them all right.
With regard to the catalogues for fur coats, fur hats and fur gloves which you found lying all round the flat, I’m afraid you’re right in thinking that they could be connected with the cat thefts and that it’s not an encouraging sign. In my own further researches I have discovered that these thefts have been restricted to cats of a certain worthwhile size, and only cats with long fur have been taken – short-haired species and kittens have been spared. As for the Russian connection, in which country is there a need for warm furry coats, hats, and gloves in winter? And who can really tell the origins of such fur? I leave you to draw your own horrific conclusions. Our only problem now is how to explain this heinous crime to the Czech police in words of one syllable so that they can understand it.
Apart from using your powers of persuasion on your captors, please do not undertake any madcap escape schemes. We must at all costs avoid any fatalities, and at least try to minimise casualties. The hospitals will have enough to do looking after your parents. Concentrate your efforts on keeping up the sprits of your companions, However, I don’t recommend too much Pushkin poetry, it probably isn’t to everyone’s taste. Singing some stirring songs about freedom should do the trick, but avoid anything which mentions murdered cats and ballads about captured soldiers left to rot and die in foreign prisons are not a good idea either. Remember that not all of your companions have your inner strength, so keep away from sickening sentimental stories about family life which might make the other children homesick.
Above all, don’t worry! I’ll get you out of there soon,
Keep smiling,
Your teacher,
J.
Chapter 24. Talking between teachers
Dear Ms Cerná,
I acknowledge receipt of your letter. I apologise for adopting such a formal approach but given the accusing and aggressive tome of your communication to me, I felt that to thank you for your letter would have been both insincere and inappropriate. In fact, I have to say I was astonished and dismayed by what you wrote. I can forgive the insults, but your English grammar was full of mistakes and I have never seen so many misspelled words on one page. And I assure you that the fact that you consider me an interfering old busybody - I think that’s what you wanted to say – in no way influenced my totally objective asse
ssment of your language skills. When I think of these children being taught English by you, I believe that it is perhaps a blessing that they are safely out of your clutches and in the relatively benign hands of the Mafia.
I don’t know why you want to blame me for the unfortunate sequence of events which has left your classroom totally empty for the past few days. After all, was it my fault that Tania decided to leave home and seek her fortune and her cat in London? Was it my fault that some mad criminals started stealing all the cats in the neighbourhood? Was it my fault that Tania fell under suspicion from the Czech police, whom I believed to be the most stupid people in the Czech republic until I read your laughable attempts at writing English? Was it my fault that the criminals decided to kidnap Tania? Was it my fault that Honza managed to get himself captured in a mad and unnecessary scheme to free Tania? And was it my fault that your whole class embarked on a crazy plan, without taking advantage of my counsel, which has resulted in them joining poor Honza in captivity? No, I am blameless, I have done my duty by young Tania. Her English is almost fluent and her communication skills are excellent.
Rather than trying to put the blame on me, think about your own part in the affair. Do you really think it was a good idea to go on TV and make that sickening sentimental appeal on behalf of the parents to the kidnappers? Do you really think the Mafia are the sort of guys to be influenced by high-flown rhetoric about heart-broken parents, traumatised children and the loss of two weeks of school lessons? The Mafia are, if anything, somewhat less sympathetic than a major tobacco company faced with a ward of angry lung cancer patients. And what possessed you to say that each child was worth a million crowns to their loving parents?
That’s exactly the amount they asked for in the ransom note they sent me the next day. And where do you think we’re going to raise twenty times a million - that’s twenty million in case your mathematics is no better than your English? If you intend to collect it by public subscription, you’re going to be spending a long time with your collecting can in Mustek Metro station.
But I really think we should bury the hatchet, let bygones be bygones and forget about the past. We’re both teachers, not Ministry of Education officials, so what matters most to us is the welfare of the children. Perhaps we can set an example to heads of states, politicians, world leaders, and all those others who preach world peace and practice the relentless pursuit of their own personal interests. So why don’t we get together and share our knowledge to get the kids out of this mess
We might not be able to come up with a brilliant plan, but at least you’ll get a chance to improve your English,
Best wishes
Tania’s teacher
J.
Chapter 25. Excuse me, that’s the phone again
“Hello, Prague 123456”
“.............”
“Tania?”
“.............”
“Where are you?”
“.............”
“What are you doing at the hospital? Are you on your own?”
“.............”
“Tania, I know there’s only room for one person in a phone box. Sometimes you’re a little bit too clever in your use of language. Is there anyone else at the hospital with you?”
“.............”
“The whole gang’s there. How did you all manage to escape?”
“.............”
“What do you mean you didn’t EXACTLY escape? Can you be more specific?”
“.............”
“Yes, I can imagine that a small flat with twenty kids can get a bit noisy.”
“.............”
“Yes, there’s always some child who feels a bit sick.”
“.............”
“And of course all of you insisted on different kinds of food at every meal.”
“.............”
“like a typical child’s bedroom only twenty times worse”
“.............”
“
a world war every night over which TV programme to watch”
“.............”
“I think the living room’s a bit too small for a football match too”
“.............”
“And I’m not too keen on heavy rock music myself”
“.............”
“Yes, especially at full volume”
“.............”
“I can imagine that the nightly pillow fighting contest would get on the nerves of the crooks”
“.............”
“Why did they find the Great Bun throwing competition even more annoying?”
“.............”
“What did you use instead of buns?”
“.............”
“And what was the problem with the hamburgers?”
“.............”
“I can imagine the ketchup could be a problem?”
“.............”
“Well it would take a lot of cleaning up.”
“.............”
“So they told you they were absolutely fed up with you and they let you go”
“.............”
“What do you mean ‘not exactly’?”
“.............”
“I see, they pleaded with you to leave.”
“.............”
“You REFUSED!!”
“.............”
“And exactly what kind of compensation were you holding out for?”
“.............”
“Yes, I can understand why you found the offer of free fur hats a bit distasteful.”
“.............”
“So you settled for a party in a fast food restaurant.”
“.............”
“”I though you might insist on the full children’s menu with the free toy.”
“.............”
“Phone the police? You mean, you want to turn them in. After you’ve tortured them for two weeks and forced them to give you a party. You’re merciless.”
“.............”
“No, you’re right, of course. After all, they are mass cat murderers.”
“.............”
“Wait, I’ll get a pen.......... O.K., give me the address.”
“.............”
“Got it. I’ll phone the police right away.”
“.............”
“Of course, I’m going myself as well. You know I don’t trust the police.”
“.............”
“No, Tania, Don’t meet me there...”
“.............”
“Stay in that hospital! Think of your poor mother’s health!”
“.............”
‘No, leave it up to me and your teacher! You keep out of it!”
“.............”
“Tania, don’t you dare leave that hospital!!”
The click of a telephone being hung up.
“Oh my God. Here we go again!”
Chapter 26 Epilogue
Dear Tania,
This is just a short note to let you know that we can start our lessons again in two weeks. I am starting to teach my other students on Monday, but the doctor insists I need another fortnight before I can stand the stress of a face-to-face meeting with you.
The hospital was nice, I hadn’t realised that psychiatric wards could be so pleasant. And thank you very much for the flowers. Your teacher, Ms Černá, thanks you for the ones you sent her. It was nice of you to try to visit, and it was a shame that you they didn’t let you see us. No, I can’t fully explain what they meant when they said that some people’s visits could do more harm than good. Every cloud has a silver lining, and the good thing about all this is that I’ve been able to give your school teacher some lessons in English. Her English is now almost as good as yours, and I no longer worry about her teaching your fr
iends.
The nightmares are a lot less frequent now. I only occasionally wake up sweating and crying quietly to myself, with the vision of that cold gun barrel right in front of my eyes. When I think of it I can still see the frightened eyes, the trembling face, the quiet sobs responding to the icy sensation of the cold steel on the forehead. The firm unmoving grip on the trigger, the cold sneer on the impassive face of the hand that holds the gun, are still there in my memory, leaping into my consciousness unexpectedly when I least want it. Where did you get the gun, anyway?
It seems that all the parents have now recovered and are home from hospital. The doctors tell me that your Dad’s limp won’t be permanent. As for your Mum, I’ve given her the name of a good psychiatrist who specializes in restoring self-confidence. Having all the parents in the same hospital was a bonus for your teacher, as she has been able to have long detailed discussions with all of them. So you can expect that Parent -Teacher relationships at your school will be vastly improved from now on. This is not necessarily a good thing for the pupils. Not that you would do such a thing, but I don’t recommend forgetting your homework or nipping off to the cinema instead of doing gymnastics. There is nothing worse for a pupil than to have a teacher who is a personal friend of their mother, and your teacher is very friendly with all your mothers. And I’m afraid your classmates are going to blame you for this situation, so you could be in for a difficult year.
The police came to visit me while I was in hospital. Apparently your kidnappers are to be extradited to Italy. It seems that their activities have been doing massive damage to international fur trading, oversupplying the market and driving down prices, and their effect on the cat-food market has also been devastating. The authorities take this kind of economic crime extremely seriously, so it carries much more severe penalties than the abduction and imprisonment of innocent children.