“Will you stop it? Or these tears are never going to stop falling.”
“Sorry, it’s just how I feel. When can I see you again?”
“My first class is not until tomorrow at ten. What about you?”
“I don’t have any morning classes on Monday, so I’m good anytime. How about breakfast? Let’s say eight o’clock at the Carolina Coffee Shop?”
“Sounds perfect. I’ll be there.”
“Will you call me tonight when you get back to the dorm?”
“You want me to?” I asked.
“Of course, I want you to. Don’t worry about the time, I’ll be up.”
“Okay, I’ll talk to you later.”
Neither one of us hung up nor did we really want to. We just listened to each other breathe until I was in a fit of giggles and finally hit end on my phone.
An hour later, I found myself at dinner with Leah and Harry. He’s older than my sister by five years, but she doesn’t seem to mind. He’s a lawyer in the state attorney’s office. The conversation was lively as they held hands and were very affectionate with each other.
I missed Ben, and I don’t know why I didn’t just invite him to join us here. We had just finished with our entrées when I had an idea. “Leah, would you mind if I call Ben and ask him to meet us for dessert?”
“What a great idea,” she said. “I’m sorry, I should have told you to invite him, but I wanted this time for you to get to know Harry, and then time just got away from us.”
“No, it’s fine. I’ve had a great time with you guys, but I’m kind of feeling like the third wheel here, if you know what I’m talking about.” They both laughed and told me to call my boyfriend.
He picked up on the second ring and sounded happy to hear from me. “Are you back at the dorm?” he asked.
“Actually, I’m still at the restaurant with my sister. Are you busy right now?”
“Nope, just watching the game.”
“Well, how fast can you change and come meet me?”
“Depends where you are?”
“Oh, that’s right. I’m in Cary, at least forty-five minutes from you. Bad timing, I guess.”
“No, if you guys are willing to wait, I can meet up with you. I’d love to meet your sister.” I heard him get up and move around his apartment, probably changing.
“Ben, hold on for a minute. Let me talk to Leah.”
I put him on hold while I asked Leah and Harry if they wouldn’t mind bringing dessert back to the house so Ben could just meet us there, and we would be more comfortable. They said that would be fine, and I got back on with Ben and told him the change of plans, asking him what he wanted after I read off the choices. He said he would share whatever I chose and would see me soon. The excitement boiled deep within my stomach, and I couldn’t contain my smile.
“You have it bad, little sister,” Leah remarked as she finished off her wine and Harry paid the check.
“I guess I do. I can’t wait for you to meet Ben, my boyfriend.”
It took Ben a little more than an hour to arrive at the house, but he didn’t show up empty-handed. I opened the door to Ben holding a huge bouquet of flowers, and before I squealed in delight, he told me they were for my sister. I smiled at his thoughtfulness, and then he leaned in to kiss me and gave me a single stemmed rose. I inhaled the fragrance and kissed him back, without caring that my sister was standing behind us.
Introductions were made, and then Leah came back into the living room with a tray of coffee as Harry carried in the desserts and plates. We sat comfortably in the living room with Ben beside me. He grazed my knee a few times with his hand while Leah cleared her throat. I discreetly moved it away, not wanting to have another “sex” talk with my sister. She asked him question after question until I put my hands up, ending the inquisition but promising we would all get together again soon.
I kept clothes here at the house, and before Ben arrived, I packed a small duffle and formed a plan to spend the night with Ben back at his apartment, forgoing the dorm.
We said our goodbyes, and Ben walked me to my car, kissing me with passion and lust. “Oh, you make it hard to say goodbye,” he said and held me close to him.
“Well, lucky for you it’s not goodbye, because if the offer still stands, I would like to go home with you tonight.”
“Are you sure?” he asked with hope.
I wasn’t sure what Ben was really asking of me, but I told him that I was. After a long day with Leah and seeing how happy in love she was, it drove a want inside of me that I was experiencing the same feelings about Ben. Okay, maybe not exactly the same, but I knew what I wanted and had a growing need to be with him tonight.
I followed him home and parked my car next to his. He held my hand all the way up to his apartment until we were standing in front of his door. He leaned in to kiss me, and I let out a calming breath, knowing after tonight, I would no longer be a virgin.
7
Falling in love for the first time is hard but worth it
I wasn’t exactly subtle with my intentions once we were both inside of the apartment and my back was pressed up against the door as Ben displayed some intentions of his own. Was it from all the love talk with Leah today? And seeing her so happy with Harry that I wanted to feel those same feelings with Ben?
At an early age, mom gave me the “talk” about sex and the do’s and don’ts of it all. It made me dizzy listening to her long list of potential diseases, pregnancy scares, the whole kit and caboodle. I swore off the notion of ever having sex until I was at least thirty, which made my mom incredibly happy since I was her youngest. But she knew better, and so did I.
And now with Ben in my life, I am entertaining that thought more and more, like right now. Am I crazy? Maybe, but sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. I’m young and in college. This is the experience Leah was talking about, right? Okay, probably not completely, but I will tell myself that and believe it. Being with Ben makes me believe in all sorts of possibilities that I never dreamed of entertaining before. It’s fun and exciting, so why not?
“We need to stop, Hallie. Oh shit,” he shouted as I began to cup his hard erection. It was impossible to avoid temptation when he was so close to me. “Hallie, stop!” He was a little more convincing, and I pulled my hand back.
“What’s wrong, Ben? Don’t you want to sleep with me?”
“More than words, but you’re not ready to take that next step, which is a pretty big one in a girl’s life.”
Feeling totally rejected, I fired back. “First off, I’m a woman, and how the hell do you know what I’m ready or not ready for?”
“Because I know you, and most guys are assholes that would jump at the chance of a woman,” he said using air quotes, “offering herself up to him and giving him a gift that most certainly he didn’t deserve.”
Shit! Now I can’t even be mad at him for his honesty. “Ben, I know it’s soon, and you’re right about this being a big step, but I wouldn’t have asked you if I wasn’t ready. I care about myself too much to do something reckless. I want you to be my first. Please make love to me.” I leaned in to kiss him, but he stopped me again.
“God! I care about you too, and I’m going to hate myself in the morning, but my answer is still no.”
The hurt in my heart was crushing, and the tears pooling in my eyes were blinding at his rejection. I felt completely humiliated and needed to get out of here before I embarrassed myself more than I had already felt.
I moved away from Ben and opened up his door to leave. It slammed hard as Ben slapped it with the palm of his hand.
“Let me pass, Ben,” I demanded.
“No, you’re not leaving just because I said no to sex.”
“And I’m not leaving because you said no. If you had a clue in your testosterone brain, then you would know that!”
“Un-fucking-believable!” he shouted, raising his hands in the air. “I don’t understand what the hell is happe
ning here. We had a great night, and now you’re threatening to leave me, because I said no to something life-changing and I fucking know you are not ready for. I would never ever take advantage of a woman’s vulnerability. It’s not who I am.”
“Ben, wanting to have sex with my boyfriend does not make me vulnerable, and that hurts deeply that you see me that way.”
This time, he didn’t stop me. I made it to the elevator. As the doors closed, I saw him standing in his doorway looking completely hurt by my choice to run instead of staying and talking it out. He slammed the door, and the sound of it hurt my heart, realizing I may have just lost my relationship with Ben.
I cried all the way home and couldn’t call Leah for advice and ruin her night, so I hoped the girls were home or I may just eat everything that is not tied down. I walked into our room, with Marina doing her best impression of Pink while bouncing up and down on her bed. Maggie was dancing too, but she was wearing her Beats. Were they listening to the same song? I shook my head and then closed the door.
Maggie saw me first and ran over to give me a hug. “Girl! We missed you. Where have you been?” she asked and then pulled back to look at me.
“What’s wrong with your face? You’ve been crying?” And then she shouted over the music to get Marina’s attention. She jumped down from the bed and came over to join us in a group hug.
“Okay, we have two pints of ice cream in the fridge, and I think we still have cookies left. Is it enough? Or do I need to go down the hall for a liquor run? Tillie has vodka, and I think Chris may have some pot.”
“Yes to ice cream, maybe to vodka, and a definite no to pot.”
“Okay, I’ll be right back,” Marina said and left me in Maggie’s comforting arms.
“I fucked up with Ben, and I’m afraid it’s over,” I cried on my friend's shoulder as she led me over to the couch.
“I’m sure it's not that bad. Come on, tell us what happened,” Maggie said as she tapped my hand, and then Marina walked over with a tray filled with ice cream and cookies, handing me the largest one on the plate.
“Thanks, I needed this.” I took a bite of the savory chocolate taste and already missed Ben, remembering the dessert we shared back at my house.
“What happened?” they both asked, and I put the cookie down and sunk back into the couch.
“I guess I popped the bubble tonight on my new romance with Ben.”
“How so?” Maggie asked.
“We had a great night with my sister and her fiancé, and I guess I was feeling the love all too much and made a move on Ben.”
“Move? I think we need a little more than that,” Marina said.
“I asked him to have sex with me,” I admitted.
“Shut the front door, you didn’t.”
“Yes, Maggie, I did, and he turned me down.”
“Wow, that’s a first. Do you think it’s because he’s British, and they’re not like American guys?”
“No, don’t be ridiculous. I think guys like sex in every country and language. This is more, you know? I pushed him, and after he explained his feelings and put me first, I still walked out. It was childish, and the look on his face makes my stomach hurt.”
“Yeah, I’m sure it does, but think about it this way: How do you think you would feel if you did go through with it? And then regret it? It’s a big deal, Hallie. Take it from someone who gave it up way sooner than she should have. You would regret it. Ben saying no to you was not him rejecting you; it was Ben protecting you.”
I tossed and turned all night after my talk with the girls. Maggie’s words clung to me like a second skin, and they made me feel anxious thinking about Ben. I may not know him all that long, but I do know he wouldn’t hurt me. Even the slam on the door didn’t scare me.
So, now what do I do? He hasn’t called or texted, not that I blame him. For all he knows, we broke up, and that’s the end of it. The problem is that I don’t want us to end. I want Ben, and I have to apologize before it’s too late.
The clock read just past four am, and my eyes burned in need of sleep. I reached for my phone and sent him a message.
ME: I’m sorry
Two words that will either make Ben come back to me, or I’ll lose him forever. I said a quick prayer up to the only person who knew me best and hoped my mom would send me down positive vibes that my wish will come true.
A few hours later, I dragged my weary body out of bed and took a cold shower to wake me up. “Shit, it’s going to be a long day. I need coffee,” I said as I walked up to the counter. The girls left way before me and left a post-it note on the Keurig.
Because we love you, we left you our last K-cup. Your turn to stock the drawer.
Kisses,
M&M
I put my cup under the spout and hit the button, waiting for it to brew. I drank my coffee black and was thankful they saved me the extra bold kind. I needed all the jet fuel to get me through today.
I finished off my coffee and double-checked my messenger bag, making sure I had everything I needed for the day. I had my study group as well, so I remembered to pack my laptop and charger.
I was ready to speed out the door and almost missed the bakery bag sitting in front of my door. My heart was in my throat already knowing it was from Ben. I kind of just looked at it for a minute before picking it up and bringing it back inside. I opened the bag and found it full with oatmeal raisin cookies and one red velvet in the shape of a heart.
I steadied my breathing and silently thanked my mom for sending me the hope I needed. “Oh, Ben, I miss you,” I whispered and then shoved the baked treats in my messenger bag. I was already late for class but didn’t care. I was so happy knowing my Ben still did.
The day dragged on as most days in college do, but I got through it thinking about Ben. I thought I might run into him at least at lunch, but I didn’t. I stayed on campus all day in hopes we would connect, and when we didn’t, I felt worse.
“Okay, Hallie, you have really improved with your writing. This is an A paper for sure,” my tutor said as he finished reading my essay.
“Thank you, Anthony, I don’t know what I would have done without your help. I never had a problem with writing papers in high school.”
“That’s because this is college, baby. It’s a whole new world. I have to run. Do you want me to walk you to your car?”
“No, I’m going to stay and read one more chapter before heading home.”
“Okay, see you next week,” he said as he waved off and left the library.
I stayed for another hour and then checked my phone again: still nothing from Ben. I crossed the quad and walked in-between the buildings to get to the parking lot when I heard faint steps behind me. As my pulse raced, I reached in for my pepper spray to attack my would-be mugger. I quickened my pace and looked over my shoulder and didn’t see anyone, making me feel like an idiot for getting scared.
When I finally felt at ease, I unlocked my car as strong arms engulfed me. My hand tightened around the can, but since my arms were pinned against my sides, it was futile to fight, but I could scream. Just when I was about to, soft lips kissed my neck, and once I heard his voice, my body instantly relaxed and moved into his embrace.
“Don’t you know it’s dangerous to walk on campus by yourself at night?” he said and then bit my earlobe, making me want to scream, and it wasn’t out of fear.
When I could finally catch my breath, I said, “I am fully armed with my pepper spray, and I know where to kick a mugger to make sure they spit blood.”
“Ouch, remind me to never make you mad. I kind of like my dick. It’s a lover, not a fighter.”
I laughed out loud in such a way that only Ben could make me do. I slowly turned in his arms and wrapped my arms around his waist, with Ben accepting my touch and holding me back.
“I’m so sorry, Ben. I behaved like a real jerk, and you had every right to react the way you did. I was worried that you wouldn’t want to see me again when I didn’t h
ear from you, and then I opened the door this morning and found your gift.”
“Oh, Hallie, I never wanted you to leave last night, and when you did, I was so taken back that all I could do was slam the door and punch a few things. After a minute of doing exactly that, I did hurry out and follow you home. I needed to make sure you were safe.”
“I didn’t see your car.”
“Well, you did get a head start on me, but I caught up and kept a safe distance. I stayed until you got out of your car and walked inside to your dorm. The worst part was seeing you cry, and I should have gone to you then, but I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to. I couldn’t sleep all night. I was thinking about you and wondering how you were, but I also knew you had the girls, so I opted not to call or text. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I took some time today to go over everything that we said to each other last night, and I was completely in the wrong. I now know you were putting me first above yourself, and it reminded me of another person who always did that for me.”
“Who did that for you?” he asked.
“Ben, can we go somewhere?”
“Will you come home with me?”
“Yes, thank you for asking. Will you follow me back to the dorm so I can leave my car and go with you?”
“Absolutely! Let’s go.”
I parked my car and transferred my bag to his car. I quickly ran inside to leave a note for the girls just in case they weren’t home, but to my surprise, they were. Maggie was engrossed in reading one of her romance novels, and Marina was studying with her headphones on. I told them I would be right back and just had to grab a few things from my room. Once I came back out, they were sitting in attention with bright eyes after noticing the overnight bag in my hand.
“I’m guessing you made up with Ben?” Maggie said.
“We’re getting there. He’s outside waiting for me, and I have to go. Wish me luck, okay?”
“You won’t need it, but you have it. Have fun, and be careful, Hallie. No guy is perfect,” said Marina.
Before We Knew Page 6