MoreJade_LPavlov-eBooks

by Pavlov, Laura

  “Yeah. After I meet with Sara, I’m going back to the dorms today. There are only a few weeks of school left, and then I’ll move into the rental house for the summer.” I forced a smile.

  I should be excited. I was moving into the cutest house with my best friend. I had an amazing boyfriend. But all I felt was sadness.

  Disappointment.

  Shame.

  He pushed to his feet. “I guess my job here is done then.”

  He laughed and I made myself do the same. I didn’t want him to worry. If he knew I’d gotten pregnant and lost the baby, he’d never look at me the same. Hell, I didn’t look at myself the same.

  “I’ll call you when I get back to the dorms later today,” I said and hugged him goodbye.

  “Your HCG levels should go back to normal in the next two to four weeks. The truth is, Jade, there’s no way to know if the fire caused the miscarriage. With all the cramping you’d had earlier in the day, the process had most likely already started,” Dr. Peck said, sitting on her rolling chair, facing me.

  Why was I crying? What was wrong with me? I didn’t even know this woman. I’d never been such a blubbering mess. My arms wrapped around my knees and I rested my cheek there. I was so exhausted. Dr. Peck was Sara’s gynecologist and she convinced me to come talk to her. Sara waited out in the lobby, and she was going to drive me back to school after. She was the only other person aside from me and Dr. Peck who knew what happened the night of the fire. I was thankful I could trust her.

  “Yeah. I know. I just didn’t know how it happened. We were very careful,” I said, but it came out more of a croak.

  Dr. Peck slid her chair closer to me and put her hands on my knees. “It happens all the time. You need to forgive yourself. You’re human. Now you learn from this and you take more precautions. Let’s write you a script for birth control. I do want to see you again in a month, just to check your blood work and follow up, but everything looks good.”

  “Okay,” I said, nodding.

  “Is your boyfriend supportive of what you’re going through?” she asked as she washed her hands in the sink.

  “I haven’t told him.”

  She turned around and studied me. “You need to talk about it. Keeping all this bottled up isn’t healthy. You both need to be aware that it can happen, even when you’re being safe. This didn’t only happen to you, although I’m sure it feels like it did. It happened to him too. Let him be there for you, he deserves to know too,” Dr. Peck said before leaving the room.

  Sara took me back to the dorms where I found a cupcake and a poster that read Welcome Home on my desk from Ari. She wasn’t here, so I put all my clean clothes away and tucked my three month sample of birth control in my desk drawer. I thought about what Dr. Peck said. I knew I should tell Cruz. But I knew it would upset him. He’d blame himself, and what was the point of that? He was leaving in a few weeks. Long distance romance didn’t work. Everyone knew that. Especially when your boyfriend was the lead singer of a rock band. Tory continued texting me, asking what I was going to do when they left. She hadn’t decided if she was going to go with Adam. She obviously didn’t know Cruz and I were going through something right now. We hadn’t been speaking much, but that didn’t change anything for me. I loved him so much—I ached for him. I needed to talk to him. See him. I didn’t know how to tell him what happened, but I needed to figure it out.

  I woke up this morning and knew today I needed to make a change. It was time to face this head-on. No more running. Plus, time was not on my side. Cruz would be leaving soon, and I didn’t want things to end this way. Hell, I didn’t want things to end at all. Being apart from him these last few weeks made it apparent that living without him wasn’t an option. If that meant putting my dream on hold for a year to support him, I would do it. I’d never believed in the whole support your man philosophy, but I’d also never been in love before now. I wanted to do whatever I needed to make it work.

  I pedaled up the walkway to Cruz’s front porch. As I leaned my bike against the railing, the front door opened. Dex came bounding outside and my stomach dropped.

  “Well, if it isn’t Yoko fucking Ono herself,” he said, crossing his arms in front of him. His face was pinched and angry.

  I rolled my eyes. He was insane and I wasn’t going to get into it with him.

  “Excuse me.” I tried to walk past him, but he blocked me.

  “Listen, you’re actually the one I should be talking to. I can’t get through to your boyfriend, and from where I’m standing, you’re the fucking reason we’re all on edge. You’ve got this guy so messed up in the head, and he holds all the cards right now. We’ve worked our asses off and now he doesn’t want to leave.”

  “This has nothing to do with me. I haven’t even spoken to him,” I said, trying to push my way past him, but he continued to block me.

  “It has everything to do with you. How about you stop being a little bitch and make things right. Do you really think I’m going to allow you to get in the way of Exiled? Do you have any idea who you’re fucking messing with?” He was so close to me, his spit hit me in the face.

  All the tension that had been building for weeks rose to the top. I grabbed him by the shirt and pushed him out of my way.

  “You know nothing about me. You don’t scare me.”

  I stormed past him and he grabbed my forearm. I slapped his hand away, but he just gripped it harder and yanked me back. Out of my peripheral, there was a blur of movement. Cruz was on top of Dex before I realized what was happening. He had Dex pinned to the grass in the front yard.

  “Don’t you ever put your fucking hands on her, you piece of shit,” Cruz said. Veins bulged on the side of his neck. I’d never seen him so angry or out of control.

  “Then pull your head out of your ass. She’s not worth it. All this over a little virgin pussy? Do you know how many chicks are out there, you dumb fuck.” Dex squirmed beneath my boyfriend as he shouted hateful words, and I fought the urge to kick him. Hard. What the hell was his obsession with my virginity anyway?

  “Shut the fuck up, Dex or I swear to God I’ll hurt you,” Cruz said.

  Lennon and Adam pulled up in front of the house and jumped out of the car.

  “What’s going on?” Adam said, racing toward his bandmates wrestling on the ground.

  “He put his hands on Jade.” Cruz let Dex go and stood.

  “I’m just trying to figure out why we aren’t celebrating right now. Why we’re not excited that everything we’ve worked for is finally happening.” Dex moved to his feet and brushed off his dark jeans. His hair was disheveled, and he had leaves stuck to the back of his head.

  “It’s not what I’ve always worked for, you asshole. Maybe it’s not what I want to do with my life. It has nothing to do with her, but you’re too stupid to see that. You’re high ninety percent of your life, and you can’t see beyond yourself.” Cruz was shouting now, and I moved beside him and put my hand on his arm.

  “Maybe you should try it. You might be happier,” Dex said. “She might like it too. Maybe it’ll loosen her up a bit.”

  Cruz lunged at Dex, and Lennon and Adam jumped between them.

  “Jesus, dude. Shut up and get out of here. You’re making things worse. All he said was that he wasn’t committing to more than a year. Calm the fuck down,” Adam said, pulling Dex away and pushing him toward his car.

  “I’m going, I’m going. It’s all good. Just want our lead singer to be on board. Catch you later, Yoko,” he said to me.

  I gave him the finger and glared. Dex didn’t scare me. He was the one who was scared.

  “Are you okay?” Cruz asked and squeezed my hand. The little bit of contact sent chill bumps down my arms.

  “Yes. I’m fine.”

  “I’m sorry, Jade. All this tour stuff has gone to his head. He’s not sleeping and partying way too much.
He shouldn’t have touched you,” Lennon said.

  “Jesus. The guy is out of control. I’m calling Luke.” Adam pats me on the shoulder with an apologetic smile when he reached for his phone and walked away.

  Lennon followed him inside.

  “So,” Cruz said, his honey-brown gaze locked with mine.

  “So.” I smiled.

  “I didn’t know you were coming over. Are you done needing space? Or did you come here to dump me?” he asked, shoving his hands in his pockets.

  “I came to talk to you,” I said. “Can we go inside?”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Cruz

  I’d never been dumped, nor had I ever had my heart broken. But I had a hunch I was about to experience both. I’d already felt it building. I hadn’t seen her in two weeks. Two fucking weeks. We’d left the coffee shop angry, and we’d never talked about it. We texted once a day just to check-in. She needed her space. I’d followed all the rules. She blamed me for the fire, whether she wanted to admit it or not, and she’d never been the same since it happened.

  She followed me into my bedroom, and I shut the door. I sat on the bed while she paced from the bathroom to my dresser. All I could think about was the last time we showered together in there. I forced myself to block that thought from my mind.

  “What happened with Dex?” I asked, because his arm had been wrapped around hers when I walked outside, and I’d seen red.

  “He called me Yoko Ono and said I was ruining Exiled,” she said and shook her head.

  I couldn’t help but laugh. It was the first time I’d laughed in two weeks, and it was with her. More Jade. She lightened me. I was different when I was with her.

  “He’s such an asshole.”

  “Yeah. He said you don’t want to go on tour because of me.”

  “That’s not completely false. I mean, I don’t know what’s going on with us, right? So, it’s hard to make plans. You asked for space, and I gave it to you. But I don’t know where the fuck we stand. And I can’t see a future that doesn’t have you in it.” I couldn’t believe the words left my mouth. Sure, I’d thought them, but I’d never said them out loud.

  She stared at me and her mouth hung open. If she came here to break up with me, I just made things very awkward.

  “I can’t see a future without you in it, either,” she whispered.

  I wanted to go to her, pull her onto my lap. But I didn’t. My hands fisted at my sides.

  “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

  “I am. I don’t think you’re going to look at me the same though, Cruz.” Her voice trembled, and I forced myself to stay exactly where I was.

  “There’s nothing you can say that will change the way I feel about you. You know that.”

  “I thought I did.” She fidgets with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. “The night of the fire, something else happened.”

  “Okay.”

  “Remember I didn’t feel well that day? I thought it was nerves about AF Records coming to watch you perform,” she said, and tears streamed down her beautiful face.

  “Yes. You had a stomachache. I remember. That’s why you went to lie down in the back room during the show.”

  She moved closer to me and searched my gaze, like she was looking for answers to a question she hadn’t asked.

  “I realized I was late,” she said. Her voice was barely audible. But I heard it.

  “Late?”

  “My period,” she said and swiped at the falling tears.

  Holy shit.

  Holy fucking shit.

  I jumped to my feet. “You’re pregnant? Jesus Christ, Jade. Why didn’t you tell me?” I wrapped my arms around her. I couldn’t stop myself. She’d been dealing with this alone. “I’m here. We’re in this together. Fuck Exiled. I won’t go. I would never let you do this alone. Is that what you thought?”

  She pushed back just enough to look up at me. She was shaking her head back and forth frantically, and her jade gaze overflowed. “I had a miscarriage. The night of the fire. I don’t know when it happened. Sara noticed the back of my pants were soaked in blood when she found us.”

  Sobs escaped her, and I was speechless. How the fuck didn’t I know? I swiped at the two tears that trailed down my cheeks. The act so foreign that I couldn’t remember the last time I cried. Maybe the night my brother almost died? I could count on one hand the number of times I’d cried in my life.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish I’d been there for you. Why didn’t you tell me?” I dropped back down to sit on my bed and pulled her onto my lap.

  “I don’t know,” she said through her sobs. “I was ashamed that it happened. I couldn’t believe it happened to me. We were safe. I couldn’t face you. I didn’t want you to look at me differently.”

  “I could never look at you differently. This is not your fault, baby. It happens. But we’re in this together. I could have been there for you. Have you been checked? Is everything okay? Did you see a doctor?” I asked.

  She uses her sleeve to catch her tears. “I saw Sara’s father that night at the hospital, and I went to a gynecologist yesterday. She said it most likely would have happened regardless of the fire. She said miscarriages are actually very common, and I wasn’t very far along.”

  I studied her face, and all I saw was devastation. “I’m so fucking sorry. How do you feel?”

  She shook her head and the tears started to fall again. “That’s the worst part. I don’t know how I feel. I’m sad that it happened, and disappointed in myself for being in this situation. I should have taken more precautions. But a part of me is relieved that I’m not pregnant, and I’m disgusted with myself for feeling that way. So many people want to have children, and I’m relieved that I don’t? I want to be a mom someday, but not right now.”

  Her entire body shook in my arms and I hugged her tighter. Jade was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. “You’re being too hard on yourself. It’s normal to be relieved, Jade. You’re human. You’re nineteen years old and you have big dreams to chase first. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  “Well, I’ve started birth control. But I need you to know something moving forward, and it’s probably something we should have discussed before we took this step in our relationship.”

  “Okay.”

  “If I hadn’t lost the baby, I would have kept it. Even though the timing would have been wrong, Cruz, I would have kept it. It would have changed our lives drastically. That’s why I think I’m relieved I didn’t have to make the decision for us,” she said, her gaze locking with mine.

  “I understand that. If I’m being completely honest with you, I would have wanted to keep it too. I’m in a different position than you though. First off, it’s your body, and I respect that. Second, I’m twenty-one and only have a year left of school. Financially we’d be good, but I know that it would interfere with your goals and dreams and that you aren’t ready.”

  Her head fell back, and she smiled. Her gaze glistened. “You’re a rock star. What would you do with a baby? What about your dreams?”

  I thought about her question before speaking, “I don’t know what my dreams are yet. But I know they include you and having a family with you is the first thing in my life that feels right. But not until you’re ready. So, if you think telling me that you want to keep the baby if you get pregnant again while using two forms of birth control, is going to scare me off—you missed the fucking mark on that one. I’m not going anywhere.”

  She sighed. “It feels good to talk about it with you.”

  “Does your father know?” The thought of her dad knowing made my chest tighten. I liked him. It would suck for him to hate me, and he most likely would.

  “Oh my god, no. Cruz, no one knows. I don’t want them to. Only Sara.” Her face was so serious, and I tucked her hair b
ehind her ears.

  “I’m not telling anyone. It’s no one’s business. But I’m glad you had Sara to help you.”

  “Me too. I missed you so much,” she said, and she hugged me. Her cheek rested against mine, and I made a silent promise to make sure she never hurt like this again.

  “I’ve been fucking miserable without you, More Jade,” I whispered against her ear.

  “I love the song you wrote for me, by the way. We haven’t talked about it yet with everything that happened.”

  “Glad you like it. The label thinks it’s our best song,” I said, taking her in. I couldn’t believe how much I’d missed her. The idea of being away from her again did not sit well.

  “It was so beautiful. I want you to sing it to me again. Just you and me.”

  “I’ll sing it to you every day if you want.” I leaned forward and covered her mouth with mine. Her fingers tangled in my hair and it felt so fucking good to be with her again.

  “So, what happens now? When do you leave?” she asked when she pulled away. Her pouty lips were swollen, her eyes puffy, and her nose was red. Fucking beautiful.

  “Not until school is out, so a month. I wanted to talk to you about that. You seemed upset the day we met after the fire. You said I’d never asked you to go with me, but I need you to know why—I don’t want to be an asshole. You have a plan. One you’ve had for a long time. I don’t want to take that from you. If you come with me, it would solve all my problems, but I’m thinking of you, not me,” I said.

  She shifted her legs and straddled me before placing a hand on each side of my face. “I appreciate that. Maybe I can put things off for a year? You only have to commit to a year, right?”

  “I hope so. That’s the plan. Would you lose your scholarship?”

  “Yes, probably.” She searched my gaze for answers.