Deeper We Fall

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I took a deep breath.

  “I don’t know, L. I really don’t.”

  “You amaze me on a daily basis, but this…it blows me away.” She smiled and rested her head on my chest.

  “Why?”

  “Because you’re…you. You do things that most other people wouldn’t. You’re so selfless and kind and I can’t stand the fact that I hated you for so long.”

  I held her face. “Hey, that’s over now.”

  She tried to shake her head, but I wouldn’t let her.

  “It just seems so stupid now. Now that I know. I wish I could tell everyone. I wish I could scream it from the rooftops that you’re not the guy everyone thinks you are.”

  “You don’t have to. Just having you know is enough.” It was more than enough.

  She pressed her lips together.

  “I need to tell Will. I can’t keep things from him, if he asks me directly. I can hide something from him, but only if he doesn’t know that I’m hiding it. That doesn’t make any sense, but that’s the way it works.”

  To be honest, I was surprised he hadn’t figured it out. I knew about their connection, and I assumed she would tell him, either directly or indirectly.

  “I know you need to tell him, so it’s fine. I’m going to assume secret-keeping is a genetic trait, so I trust him as much as I trust you.”

  Her smiled widened, and it was the smile I always wished to see on her face. Pure brilliant happiness.

  “See? Amazing.”

  Chapter Forty

  Lottie

  I got Will alone that night to have a little chat. Simon was at another meeting, and Stryker and Katie were doing…whatever they were doing. Hopefully just talking.

  “So why did you have to get me alone?” he said as I sat next to him on his bed. “This isn’t the part where I find out that you really are an alien and you eat my spleen, is it?”

  “You are so weird,” I said, shoving his head back. “No, I am not going to eat your spleen. I’ve been keeping something from you. About Zan.”

  “Yeah, I figured. Twindar and all that.” He crossed his arms and waited.

  “He wasn’t driving. Zack was.”

  His reaction wasn’t as dramatic as I thought it would be. He just nodded.

  “That makes so much sense now,” he said. “Why the hell did Zan take the fall?”

  “It was one of those things that just kind of happened. Zack doesn’t remember.”

  Will snorted. “How convenient.”

  “I don’t think Zack Parker could fake amnesia for this long.”

  “You’re probably right. He’s not the brightest crayon in the box.”

  That was an understatement.

  “So when did Zan tell you?”

  “That day at the cabin.”

  I watched him piece everything together and didn’t talk while he did. Didn’t take that long.

  “Makes sense. Why didn’t you tell me before?”

  “He asked me not to, and I didn’t want to break his trust.”

  “I can understand that. I’m just pissed I didn’t figure it out before. This is the first secret you’ve been able to keep from me. You can’t even keep my Birthmas presents secret.”

  “This year, I’m going to do it.”

  “You say that every year.”

  “This year I mean it.”

  “Sure you do, Lot.” He dove at me and got me into a headlock. “What are you getting me for Birthmas?”

  “Nothing. Absolutely nothing,” I said, choking. He pressed harder as I flopped like a fish out of water to get away. I couldn’t get a good angle on his ticklish spot, so I was out of luck.

  “Fine! Fine. I’m getting you ski passes!” He let go of me and I elbowed him in the stomach. “Jerk.”

  ***

  Katie’s bruises had almost faded, and her little scratches were healing as well. She had a hard time sleeping, and had nightmares quite a bit. She felt horrible about it, but I didn’t mind at all. We’d just wake up and have TV marathons until we passed out.

  Neither of us was getting much sleep, but we were closer than ever. It took a few days for her to start laughing again, but I’d catch her texting on her phone and smiling. It didn’t take a genius to figure out who she was texting. I pretended I didn’t notice.

  On Saturday night Trish and I drove to the mall to meet Katie. Audrey had a stupid paper that she’d been working on for days that she couldn’t abandon, not even for us. It was finally time for my makeover. She’d hit a home run with the red dress, and she’d showed me some pictures of what she had in mind, so I was okay with it. Up to a point.

  “You know, you should get into fashion or something,” I said as she held shirts up to me. It was easier if I just stood there and let her do her thing.

  “I’ve thought about it,” she said, making a face at a green shirt before picking a blue one and holding it up to me. “I like this one. Trish?”

  Trish looked like she’d rather be getting her teeth drilled, but at least she was here.

  “Looks nice.”

  “I think you should wear this one tonight, with these and this and this,” Katie said when we got back as she laid out an outfit for me. Baby blue shirt, red jeans, a cool vintage-looking necklace and a lacy shrug.

  “Cute,” Trish said, giving a thumbs up. She was totally putting on a happy face, but I loved her for it.

  “Now we just have to make you up, get your hair fixed and you're done.”

  She arranged me on her desk chair and started applying. I wasn't averse to makeup, but I'd never really gone all-out with it. There were some girls that were skilled with eyeliner and could make it look so easy. I was not one of those girls.

  “When do you have to be in court?” Trish said. If I could have glared at her, I would have, but Katie was busy sweeping shadow on my eyes.

  “Trish!”

  “What? I was just asking.” Katie's hand paused on my eyelid for a moment.

  “Um, next week sometime.”

  “Are you going to go?” I said.

  “I kind of have to, don't I?” She'd been both defensive and evasive whenever we'd tried to talk about it before, so we'd been tiptoeing around the subject ever since.

  “You don't have to talk about it,” I said as she resumed work on my eyes.

  “No, it's okay. I've been trying to avoid talking about it because I was trying to avoid thinking about it.”

  “Have you talked to anyone?” I said.

  She swept color under my brow bone, pausing to step back and make sure it was even. "Mom got me in to see a therapist, but I've been bullshitting my sessions. It's weird to talk to some stranger who's paid to listen to me. You know?"

  “Yeah, been there, done that, read the book, saw the movie,” I said.

  Katie paused in her work to check her phone. I could tell by the way she smiled who had messaged her. She typed a quick response and then went back to my eyes.

  “Who was that?” I said, fishing.

  “No one,” she said a little too quickly.

  Trish groaned. “Oh my God, can we stop with all this? We all know you and my brother are a thing now.”

  “We're not a thing,” Katie said, nearly jabbing me in the eye with the eyeliner. “Oh, sorry!”

  “Um, careful,” I said. “Trish, can you not say things like that when she's got a sharp object near my eye?”

  “Fine, fine.”

  She waited a second before coming at me with the eyeliner again. “We're not a thing. We just…talk.”

  “With your clothes off, I'm guessing,” Trish said.

  “What is wrong with you, Trish?”

  “Nothing, I'm just tired of pretending that I don't know that you two are together. It's like you're hiding it because you're ashamed of him.”

  Ah, that was it.

  Katie sighed and stopped lining my eyes. “I'm not ashamed of him.”

  “Then why don'
t you go out in public with him?”

  “Because we're not like that, okay? It's complicated. Take it up with him.”

  Trish snorted. “Whatever.”

  Katie put down the makeup tools and faced Trish. “We're friends, okay? He's one of the only people I can talk to right now.”

  “Let's just drop it, okay?” I said. I hated it when my friends fought. We shouldn't be fighting right now.

  “Sure,” Trish said.

  “Fine,” Katie said, picking up the eyeliner again.

  When Katie finally declared that I was done, I thought this whole thing had been more trouble than it was worth until I looked in the mirror.

  “What did I tell you?” she said with a satisfied smile. Through the magic of eyeliner and shadow, she'd made my eyes look bluer. My skin was glowing, and she'd French braided my hair back into a loose knot that I knew I would never be able to duplicate.

  “Wow,” I said.

  “My thoughts exactly,” she said, putting her makeup away.

  “Trish?” I asked.

  “Very nice,” she said, still grumpy about the earlier conversation about her brother.

  “Come on, she' gorgeous. Not that you weren’t already, but you know what I mean.”

  There was a knock at the door and I didn’t need to look through the peephole to know who it was.

  “Time to find out what the boy thinks,” Katie said, putting her hands on my shoulders and steering me toward the door.

  I opened it and prepared for his reaction. I wasn’t prepared for him to be standing there and holding a single red rose.

  “Wow,” he said softly. “I was so afraid you wouldn’t look like you.”

  “Did you really think I would change her that much?” Katie said, coming up behind me.

  “You never know,” he said. They still had an uneasy relationship. I hadn’t asked Katie for details of their hookup, but Zan had told me anyway during one of our all night talking sessions. I took it for what it was. A hookup that didn’t mean anything.

  “This is for you,” he said, handing me the rose. “I figured it was about time I got you flowers.”

  “Yes, you were overdue,” I said, taking the rose.

  “Shall we?” he held out his arm. Katie put my coat on my shoulders and winked.

  “Have fun, kids.”

  “See you later,” I said, closing the door. “I hope they don’t kill each other while we’re gone.”

  He gave me a questioning look.

  “Seems like not everyone is on Team Stratie,” I said as we walked toward the stairs. “They’ll work it out. I hope.”

  He sighed. “You and me both.”

  “Are you sure you’re ready? To go see Lexie tomorrow?” I wasn’t going to bring it up, but I wanted to give him one last chance to back out.

  He didn’t hesitate before he said, “I’m ready if you are, pretty girl.”

  “I wish I didn’t have to say good-bye, but I know I do. I’m just glad you’ll be there with me.”

  Zan

  “You’re going to be fine,” Charlotte said, rubbing my arm with the hand that wasn’t clutched in mine. I took a deep breath before she knocked on the door. I wish I shared her confidence. I’d had it the night before.

  I was freaking out. If this had happened before everything with Charlotte, I would have smoked beforehand.

  Mrs. Davis opened the door, and gave us a warm smile that looked almost genuine.

  “Lottie, it’s so good to see you. Hello, Zan.”

  “Hi, Mrs. Davis,” I said. In the months since I’d seen her, she’d aged what looked like several years. Her face was sunken, and there were hollows under her eyes. I wondered if that was the fate of my mother as well.

  “Come on in.” She stepped aside, and I followed Charlotte in. “Forgive the mess, we’re in a bit of a chaos right now. Can I get you anything?”

  I helped Charlotte off with her coat While she answered, “No, I’m fine. Zan?”

  “I’m good, thank you.”

  The house wasn’t messy, there were bags and several boxes littered on the floor.

  “We’re going to move down to Texas with Lexie to get her settled and try to sell the house up here.”

  Charlotte clenched my hand hard.

  “Are you coming back?”

  Mrs. Davis sighed and walked over a box before pushing it aside.

  “We don’t know. It’s up in the air right now.” She led us down the hall and knocked on Lexie’s door.

  “Lex? Someone here to see you.” The door opened a little and Lexie peered through, as if she didn’t want to let us in.

  “Hey, Lex,” Charlotte said in a bright voice. “Can we come in? I’ve missed you.”

  “Who’s he?” The door opened a little more and she glared at me.

  “This is Alex,” Charlotte said. We’d agreed on the way down that I would be Alex today. I didn’t know how much she remembered, but I didn’t want to upset her if I didn’t have to.

  “Hello, Lexie,” I said as she looked me up and down.

  “Do you want to come out so you can talk with your friends?” Mrs. Davis said.

  Lexie finally came all the way out of her room. Charlotte hugged her, but she didn’t return it. Charlotte had told me that she had a hard time with physical affection.

  “Where have you been?” Lexie said when Charlotte let go.

  “I’m so sorry I haven’t been here, but I brought you a present to say I’m sorry.” She held it out to Lexie.

  “Wasn’t that nice, Lex? What do you say?” Mrs. Davis said.

  “Thank you,” Lexie said before ripping the paper off. It was a music box that Charlotte and I had found once when we went shopping. It played a song from a Disney movie and had a little unicorn inside.

  “Wow, that’s so pretty, Lex. Do you like it?” Mrs. Davis said. She was trying so hard and it made my throat hurt.

  Lexie opened and closed the box, cutting the song off and on. She smiled slowly.

  “Thank you, Lottie,” she said softly.

  “You’re welcome, Lex.”

  Lottie

  We didn’t stay for long, and the conversation was forced and mostly between Mrs. Davis and me. Zan was very quiet. He was holding on tight to my hand again.

  I couldn’t stop looking at the bandages on her wrists, and remembering the bright happy best friend she’d been. I knew that friend was gone, was never coming back.

  I’d known this for a long time, but I’d held onto the tiniest shred of hope that a miracle would happen to bring her back. That we could go back in time to what we were.

  Lexie was gone, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t still love her. Be her friend. The problem was that I was still trying to be a friend to the girl I’d lost. Not this new girl. Yes, I’d been there for her, but only because of what she was. Not what she had become.

  I had to learn how to love her in a new way.

  “I’ll miss you, Lex,” I said when she started getting restless. Mrs. Davis had gone to the kitchen to give us a little privacy in the living room.

  “I’ll miss you, Lottie.” She held her arms out for a hug. She almost never hugged. “Will you still call me?”

  “Of course. I’ll call whenever I can.” The tears were coming, and I didn’t know if I could fight them. She released me from the hug and looked at Zan.

  “I know you,” she said.

  “Yes, you do. We used to go to school together.”

  Lexie nodded, and I could see her searching her brain for the connection.

  “Can I tell you something, Lexie?” he said.

  “Uh huh.”

  Zan leaned forward so she would focus on him.

  “I just want to say I am so sorry for what happened to you, and I hope that someday you can understand how sorry I am.”

  Lexie was quiet for a long time as the tears finally made their way down my face. I wanted to hug him so hard he’d never forget it.

  I loved him so much it mad
e me ache. It made me burn and feel like my heart was going to burst out my chest.

  I’d never loved him more than in that moment.

  “Thank you,” Lexie said, and for just a second, I thought she understood. Then she opened the music box again and let the song play.

  ***

  “You. Are. Amazing,” I said when we got out to the truck. “I didn’t think I could love you more than I already did.” I yanked him into my arms and hugged him so hard the buttons on his coat dug into me.

  “Thank you,” he said, holding me just as tight. “For letting me come with you. It was something I needed to do. How did you know?”

  “I didn’t. I just had a feeling. Besides, I didn’t feel like coming alone. I need you as much as you need me.” He let go so he could look at me.

  “We need each other.”

  He kissed me once before opening my door so I could get in.

  “You driving?”

  “It’s my turn,” he said as I handed him the keys. “It’s my turn to do something for you.”

  I didn’t bother to tell him that he’d already done so much. Didn’t want to bruise his male ego.

  “You should have brought the banjo. She would have liked that.”

  “I should carry an emergency banjo,” he said, starting the truck with ease. I looked once more back at the house. Lexie was at the window, waving. My face hadn’t dried yet from the tears I’d already shed, and I knew there were more in store.

  I waved back and she smiled and just for a moment, I saw my best friend again. I let the tears flow as Zan pulled out of the driveway.

  “I brought this for you. It was my grandmother’s,” he said, handing me a slightly yellowed handkerchief that had embroidered roses on it.

  “Thanks,” I said, taking it. “You knew I was going to cry, huh?” I dabbed at my eyes.

  “I like to be prepared,” he said, touching my shoulder. “Are you going to be okay?”

  “At some point.”

  Zan

  Things got quiet again for a few days, which made me nervous. Quiet wasn’t good. It was too quiet.

  Zack kept calling me, my mother kept calling me and even Steve called me.