A Woman in Your Own Right

by Anne Dickson

  This is due in part to the important cultural shift in the intervening years which emphasises individual enterprise over collective effort. Changes in economic values have filtered into social values with the result that it is much easier to distance ourselves from other people’s problems because we have come to assume that circumstances of poverty and misfortune are the fault of an individual’s failure to make the best of his or her life rather than looking for causes in the wider political and social system. If someone is unhappy, in trouble, penniless, out of work or depressed, their plight is attributed to their own inadequacy for which they are expected to take full responsibility.

  There will be some readers who are uncomfortable with these attitudes and regret the lack of care or commitment to others less fortunate than themselves. If this applies to you, you must face the fact that your values are counter-cultural, so to speak, and that if you choose to uphold them, you will find yourself in the minority. This is not a reason for not doing so but it is helpful to know what you’re up against!

  There is no evidence that indifference to others’ problems leads to high self-esteem. Under pressure, women of all ages today still give in to all sorts of demands which force them to accommodate the needs of others, rather than setting limits for themselves. Psychological insecurity is a powerful deterrent to achieving a balance between your own needs with those of others. It can come as a revelation to discover that shutting your eyes or ears to others’ demands or problems is not the only way to achieve what you want out of your life: an assertive approach offers an effective alternative by showing a way to combine care and respect for another person without losing sight of your own needs and wishes.

  11. I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for approval.

  This final right is one which I think still forms a baseline for all of the others and helps explain the chronic insecurity many women – of all ages – continue to feel in relation to self-esteem. The need for approval is the single most important factor at the root of unassertive behaviour and is buried very deeply in most of us. An early association is instilled between behaving in a way which is approved of and the likelihood of earning a loving response. Although this early learning applies to both boys and girls, girls’ conditioning includes the need to be good, smiling, attractive and feminine in order to gain the desired approbation. An attractive appearance is intrinsically connected to attractive behaviour.

  The result is that many adult women still fear disapproval because it threatens the very roots of their self-esteem. This fear is what holds so many women back from stating their needs, expressing their feelings, standing up for their rights, refusing to do something they do not want to because they do not want to risk being seen as ‘unattractive’ and thereby earning another person’s anticipated displeasure. ‘What will they think of me if I say no/ if I don’t apologise/ if I express my resentment/ if I say I don’t want to or that I don’t like that?’ ‘What will they think of me?’ is the stumbling block on which many assertive intentions founder.

  The need to be liked and approved of is so powerful that it extends way beyond intimates and friends, whose opinions we feel do matter and are important to us. I believe this is an ongoing symptom even today. Many young girls agree to sex with a boy before they are ready or really want to because they don’t want to be disliked or rejected. Young women fail to challenge and confront or exert authority at work because they don’t want to be thought of as incompetent or unattractive. Middle-aged women struggle to hold on to their own sense of self when surrounded by the demands of elderly relatives, young grandchildren, over-worked adult children or husbands who are retired, depressed or have disappeared on a mission of sexual-rejuvenation. And elderly women? It is possible that in one’s nineties the need for approval finally gets kicked out of the window but I don’t know yet!

  Chronic dependence on outside approval is a phenomenon I have encountered working with women across very different cultures: the dependence on approval can be crippling in its effects and it takes courage to challenge it. After a few experiences of surviving someone’s disapproval and the realisation that the world did not come to an end, it becomes easier. You also begin to feel proud at having handled an encounter assertively and boosted your own morale independently. You learn that you can actually get by quite well without the approval and acceptance of everybody all of the time.

  These basic rights look simple at first and include ones that sometimes seem too obvious to be spelt out at all, for example, the right to be treated as an equal human being. But as we know, in this world, the difference between having this right on paper and having this right in real terms is enormous. However, even in these circumstances, it is important not to lose sight of the fact that you have this right: when you are treated as unequal, without respect and consideration or as an object rather than a human being, holding on to the truth of this right will affect how you respond to such treatment and whether your own self-esteem survives.

  At stressful times, we easily forget these rights. It is here that assertiveness training can help: learning to respond assertively when you are under fire; learning to hold on to the knowledge of your basic rights when you need them most and learning to operate from a base of inner trust and self-acceptance.

  7

  Body Language

  Assertive communication, as we have seen, involves speaking directly and clearly but it also entails much more than the actual words you use. Your entire body helps you to assert yourself. Your posture, your expression and your gestures will all contribute to the overall impression. Non-verbal messages either reinforce or cancel out what you are trying to convey verbally. Any attempt to manage a situation assertively may founder, even though your words are exactly right, if your tone of voice and posture or facial expression reveal uncertainty or self-doubt or hostility. This chapter is concerned with how to use your body to convey an assertive presence and how to avoid giving non-verbal messages which contradict your verbal statement. Developing an awareness of your feelings at the time of communication will help towards exuding assertiveness with your whole being.

  Fortunately, you do not have to adopt a whole new set of gestures or expressions to learn assertive body language: this would only make you appear affected and self-conscious. Body language emerges spontaneously from your feelings at the moment. However, there are body patterns that we can unlearn. As women, for example, most of us have learned how to smile appealingly, to gesture coyly, to pout, to wheedle and coax with our entire bodies. These habits get in the way of assertive communication. If you take the time to observe how you use your own body, you will see how you can come across more effectively.

  Posture The first thing to consider is your posture because the way you hold yourself says a lot about you. Notice whether you hold yourself upright or slouched; whether your shoulders are hunched up around your ears (we often do this when anxious) or are down in a more relaxed position. If you are standing or sitting, notice whether you are balanced or leaning on one leg or balancing on one buttock. It is impossible to be assertive when standing off-balance. Notice how you walk into a room. Do you shuffle in, hoping not to be noticed; storm in like a thunderbolt or move steadily holding your head up and your back straight? Notice whether your head is upright or cocked to one side.

  The relative height between you and the other person is another factor and works two ways. If you want to communicate equally, make sure you are not towering over the other person who may be sitting at a desk for example: try and find a way of speaking from a more equal physical position. Also, if you find yourself on the lower end of the dynamic, it helps to stand and face someone eye to eye to reinforce what you want to say.

  Proximity and distance Each of us responds to an invisible line between ourselves and another person: too far back from it, the other person feels inaccessible and you feel ineffectual; too far over that line and you feel too close. An important learning point is tha
t we often have differing optimum distances so that what is too close for you may well be comfortable for another and, conversely, someone else may be most comfortable with a distance which feels to you as if you have lost contact altogether. Learn what an effective distance means for you.

  Leanne’s problem provides an illustration. She complained that when she wanted to approach her boss, she would knock and enter his office. Her boss sat behind the desk and would often not even look up. She would be told to come back later but when she did so, he would still ignore her or talk at her while watching his screen. When we re-enacted her approach in role-play in the class, Leanne found that changes to the way she entered the room and her proximity to her boss’ desk made all the difference. Pausing to breathe outside and get herself into an assertive frame of mind, she entered more calmly. Then she moved just two feet nearer the desk and stood squarely in front of her boss and waited until he looked up at her before she started speaking.

  In this way Leanne became more aware that, up until then, she had been unknowingly contradicting the importance of what she wanted to say by speaking while he was ignoring her: by doing this, she was simultaneously sending out the nonverbal message that she wasn’t worth listening to. Instead she learned to pause whenever his eyes strayed back to the screen and only started to speak again when he was giving her his full attention. In this way she came across far more assertively and was able to communicate what she wanted.

  Eyes When we describe the eyes as the ‘windows of the soul’ we indicate their obvious power of communication. We feel uneasy about shifty gazes and disconcerted when we cannot see the reactions in someone’s eyes, if, for example, they are wearing totally opaque or reflective sunglasses. Unconsciously we look for a reaction most of the time. The eyes tell us whether someone is listening or not; whether they are impressed, fascinated or intimidated by what we are saying. It is infuriating to try and talk to someone who has their back to you or has their attention fixed on something else. Maintaining eye contact is not the same as staring which feels intrusive or intimidating. Your gaze can be relaxed and friendly or it can convey hostility and timidity. If you avert your eyes, you probably convey embarrassment. Somewhere in between is the ‘normal’ interaction: if you are able to look directly at someone while making an assertive request or statement, you’ll find this greatly reinforces your message.

  Mouth and jaw Moving down to the lower part of the face we find other subtle signals. A clenched jaw and a tightly-held mouth are examples of give-away signs which communicate tension and aggression: although the words the speaker uses may be clear, anxiety emerges when the jaw tightens or the chin juts forward slightly. As soon as that happens – maybe with a slight thrust forward of the shoulders – the atmosphere changes because the body language comes across as threatening and hostile.

  In psychological terminology, a give-away signal is known as ‘non-verbal leakage’. This describes the clues that don’t quite match together, clues that give away the real feelings of the speaker despite the attempt to control and hide them. One example is the smile that is a little too fixed or too wide or which lasts a little too long. Such a smile makes us uncomfortable because we detect there is something false about it. This does not necessarily imply that the person is deliberately trying to deceive the listener: it often occurs when we feel obliged to hide feelings of hurt or embarrassment or anger or when we feel vulnerable and unsafe. Similarly, we make an effort to suppress our fury or disappointment because we are afraid we might blow up in a temper or burst into tears, neither of which is considered socially acceptable. The consequence of keeping feelings at bay is that we tend to smile without realisng it.

  When it comes to expressing anger, most women will make angry statements while unconsciously smiling at the same time. This is certainly not because they are feeling happy or friendly at that precise moment! It is usually because of the nervousness and inhibition they feel about expressing anger: the automatic smile is basically a non-verbal message saying ‘Please don’t be angry with me’ or ‘I don’t want to appear nasty.’

  Many of us have been so conditioned to be ‘nice’ that this smile is a vestige of that niceness, of the encouragement to be sweet, appealing and placating. A smile can indirectly express anxiety (about a confrontation) or our own resentment or hurt (unspoken). If you are trying to get across to someone that you feel angry or offended when you have a broad smile on your face, it is bound to confuse the other person and detract from the force of your statement. The two elements don’t match up and, if this becomes a habit, you may well end up wondering why people don’t ever take you seriously.

  Voice If you have ever felt irritation at being in the company of someone who continuously speaks in a very loud voice or been frustrated by always having to lean forward and say ‘pardon?’ to someone who talks in a scarcely audible whisper, you will understand the difference the volume of your voice can make. Between the ‘little girl’ or ‘sing-song’ voice and the foghorn, there is a balance. Practise using the higher and lower registers of your voice. Breathing and relaxation help release the constriction of the throat and chest to enable a deeper breath to project your voice more fully.

  The difference between an assertive and aggressive outcome to your conversation is marked by subtle changes in the pitch and tone of the voice. Notice whether your voice has a whine or whether it carries an apologetic, sarcastic or hostile tone. Speaking more slowly and audibly instead of mumbling or muttering some garbled statement will ensure clearer comprehension. The inflection of your voice is also important. An edge to your voice can make a refusal or comment sound like a put-down instead of a firm but non-aggressive statement, simply because of a sarcastic tone that will be picked up by the other person.

  If you are making an assertive statement, don’t let your voice rise up at the end, making your statement sound like a question. This tendency is much more common than it used to be and although it may seem a harmless habit, it does interfere with making a serious or authoritative statement when you need to. Phrasing a statement as a question makes it half-hearted and weakens the sense of conviction behind it.

  Gestures Twiddling a piece of hair, scratching your scalp, clasping and unclasping your hands, biting your fingers or the side of your mouth or fiddling with jewellery are all examples of gestures which convey tension and nervousness. Tapping or shuffling feet send out messages of impatience and embarrassment. ‘Chopping’ movements of hands and arms can convey aggression as can the common gesture of the pointed index finger. This last gesture is unconsciously imitated from authority figures in our childhood and it is extraordinary how it remains outside of our awareness, even when it automatically seems to appear whenever we wish to reinforce our statement and show the other person who is boss! The problem is that, on the receiving end, that finger is bound to trigger a defensive response to what you are saying, whether you intend it or not.

  Once you are aware of your gestures, you can learn to keep them under control. The practice of role-playing provides an opportunity to observe and comment. This is both illuminating and helpful. Sometimes only slight readjustments are necessary: refraining from twiddling; standing up straighter; breathing three times calmly before approaching a difficult confrontation; sitting or standing in a well-balanced position; altering the tone of your voice; holding your arms by the side instead of clasping them together anxiously behind your back; relaxing your shoulders instead of hunching them up around your ears. These minor alterations can make an enormous difference to how you feel when you are about to embark on any interaction when your anxiety tends to be at its highest: even during a conversation you can counter rising internal tension with a deep breath to help you regain some composure.

  Appearance One final aspect of non-verbal communication is appearance. Drawing your attention to appearance is not an instruction to conform to any convention of dress for the purpose of attracting an onlooker. It is much more to do with how you feel about yourself:
our appearance says a lot about our mood and how we feel about our bodies; the colours we choose to wear, the parts of our bodies we draw attention to or cover up and the style of clothes we wear.

  Feeling assertive can have the effect of making you want to express yourself clearly through your appearance. Many participants in classes have begun to make little changes, to do something out of the ordinary, not out of a need to impress but out of a new-found wish to express their own individuality. Finding a personal style, discovering something which expresses you does not always require a lot of money or time and can boost your sense of self-esteem.

  Every one of these separate aspects of body language contributes to the total impression. The way to start changing the overall effect is to focus on the detail. Most of us are unaware of a facial expression or habitual gesture which is immediately obvious to an observer in a role-play scenario so the best way to learn is by asking someone else to comment. Use their eyes to see where you can make some correction. Improve your body language and you will find that, with only minor adjustments, you will be able to produce a major change in the general effectiveness of your communication and self-presentation.

  As I said earlier, there is no one kind of body language that is assertive. The key is something called congruence. Congruence describes the effect you achieve when your body language matches what you are saying because what you saying matches what you are feeling. Whether you’re feeling nervous or proud, vulnerable or angry, joyful or awkward, if your words match your feelings at any given time, your body will reflect this match and this is when congruence occurs, making your communication extraordinarily effective.