A Woman in Your Own Right

by Anne Dickson

  Communication by email Obviously, the relevance of non-verbal communication is diminished in circumstances which mean you are not face to face with the other person. When I started teaching these skills, we had the options of speaking face to face, speaking over the phone or writing a letter. Now we are presented with more choices and I have often been asked what difference it makes to the effectiveness of assertive communication if we are using emails or texts to convey our messages.

  I would still, even today, encourage people to speak face to face if this is possible. The significance of body language lies in those tiny little non-verbal changes which accompany our speech. As described earlier in this chapter, we are usually unaware of them despite the fact that they make up a very large part of the overall impression we are conveying to the other person. Even when speaking over the phone, we are not entirely aware of the other person’s facial expressions and therefore we are more sensitive to what we hear in the tone or nuances of the voice.

  With emails or texts, we have absolutely nothing to go on at all. And even the words used are often abbreviated to such an extent that all we can pick up is a general message. My own experience of both receiving and sending emails about anything significant is that they are widely open to misinterpretation. It is really hard to know exactly what someone means because you have only the minimum to go on without the whole context in which communication usually takes place. Not hearing a tone of voice means you can imagine resentment, sarcasm or irritation when it is not intended or be left completely puzzled because you don’t know what the person was implying between the lines.

  Sometimes participants in workshops insist that email is the only available means to confront a busy colleague or issue a refusal to a relative or friend but I tend to challenge this. There is almost always some possibility of arranging five minutes with a colleague or thirty minutes with a friend to speak to them if it is important. And this I believe is the key. Electronic communication is fine for dealing with trivia or the day-to-day business of arranging schedules or meetings or where to rendezvous, informing others of missed trains or a change of plans, consulting about shopping decisions or establishing someone’s whereabouts.

  However if you want to communicate about something that’s important, see if you can possibly arrange a face to face meeting where you’ll have more chance of being clear in what you are saying as well as gaining a better understanding of how the other person reacts to what you have to say.

  Assertive communication is far more likely when you choose not to use an email or text to avoid having to deal with the other person’s response.

  8

  Saying ‘No’

  When a woman says ‘no’, she really means ‘yes’ . . . or so the saying goes. We may feel frustrated at its implications but it remains as prevalent and influential today as thirty years ago: one doesn’t have to look too far among the headlines to find allusions to the apparently incontestable ambiguity of a woman’s refusal, particularly in a sexual context. One of the unfortunate aspects of this issue is that, for many women, a difficulty in saying ‘no’ clearly and definitively does exist: when we do say ‘no’, we often do so indirectly or directly, but without much conviction. Learning how to make an assertive refusal – with clarity, persistence and without aggression – is the focus of this chapter.

  Consider some of the situations in which it is difficult for you to make a refusal: to a request for money; to a social invitation; to a loan or a lift or to giving some information that you’d rather keep to yourself. Who do you find most difficult to refuse: a stranger, your partner, a child, an elderly person, your boss, your mother? When do you find it difficult? When you are tired, in a rush, in front of a group of people or while speaking on the phone?

  Although the specific difficulty will vary from person to person, there are common beliefs which come up time and time again. These are some of them:

  • Saying ‘no’ is callous, uncaring and mean. It’s selfish.

  • Saying ‘no’ over little things shows you’re churlish, small-minded or petty.

  • Saying ‘no’ directly is rude and aggressive. It’s too abrupt and blunt.

  • Saying ‘no’ will cause others to take offence. It will make them feel hurt and rejected.

  • Saying ‘no’ will make you look inadequate. Others will question your competence to do the job.

  If any or all of these fears have some meaning for you, you will probably find you have a problem with making direct, clear statements of refusal. Perhaps you find yourself falling into the following traps like Ivy, padding out a refusal with a string of excuses, including dishonest ones, such as ‘It doesn’t belong to me, otherwise I’d love to lend it to you . . . ’ ‘The dog’s sick, otherwise I’d love to come . . . ’ or ‘My husband wouldn’t be comfortable with it’. Or have you ever tried to avoid saying ‘no’ directly by making the other person feel guilty: ‘I don’t know how you could ask that of me when you can see what I’ve been going through . . . ’ Have you ever tried to soften the blow with a winning smile or a patronising manner which you hope will convince everyone you are not just being nasty? Excuses, avoidance and pussyfooting around the issue have become entrenched habits.

  We have acquired accompanying body habits as well. The most noticeable one is the inappropriate smile discussed in the previous chapter. The more we try to cover our anxiety about saying ‘no’ with an appearance of graciousness, the more often our smile and whole body stance come across as ingratiating. What’s more, it is often confusing for the other person, who is hearing and watching you say ‘no’ but with a tone of voice, gestures and manner of someone saying ‘yes’. It is small wonder that messages get muddled.

  The anxiety we feel when saying ‘no’ leads to another habit. Instead of refusing a request and moving away, it has the effect of keeping our feet rooted to the spot. After a clean, decisive ‘no’, it is often more appropriate to leave. Instead we hover and dither, thus reducing the effectiveness of our refusal and also risking the possibility that the other person will take advantage of our hesitation to try and persuade us to change our minds.

  So there are some new habits to be acquired. Someone approaches you and asks you a favour. What happens inside you? What is the very first thing you feel? This provides the key:

  Notice your immediate reaction As soon as someone asks something of you, your body will let you know how you feel about the request, often before you have opened your mouth to reply. The feelings can be easy to identify when they are very clear. If you want to respond with wholehearted enthusiasm, you may feel like jumping at the opportunity: you will be absolutely sure you want to say ‘yes’. At the other extreme, you can experience a sinking feeling which indicates extreme reluctance and you know you definitely want to say ‘no’.

  The difficulty occurs when the feelings are not so apparent: when you are confused and unsure, uneasy or doubtful about how you want to respond. Your body will still give you some signals to indicate what you are feeling if you listen for them but sometimes we need to listen carefully for that inner guide.

  Many women fall into the unfortunate habit of ignoring this immediate guide. Instead of recognising it and following through, they dismiss it because of the pressure of what is expected, what is wanted and what they assume will avoid displeasure. We attend more to managing the outward impression than to the internal need. And it all happens so quickly. We know what happens: we agree or half agree, and then, hours or even days later, we are agonising about how to get out of a situation or kicking ourselves for saying ‘yes’ when we really wanted to say ‘no’.

  So the first step is to watch for the guide. Never ignore it. If this is a definite ‘yes’ or ‘no’ then you can say so. If you find yourself hesitating, even slightly, try the next step.

  Say ‘I don’t know. I need more information.’ This is an invaluable bit of advice. Do not be pushed. You do not have to make an instant decision. Acknowledge your uncertain
ty and confusion and give yourself time by asking for more information. This helps in two ways: it gives an opportunity for a necessary mental breathing space which allows you enough time to think for yourself. A simple phrase, such as ‘I need to think about it’ gives you the time to unhook yourself from the automatic pattern of answering before you think. You may need no more than a few seconds to identify what it is you want to say. Or you may need several days, depending on the circumstances. Take as long as you need but remember your first reaction is often an infallible guide as to how you honestly want to respond.

  The second way this helps is by giving you answers to questions that may be genuinely relevant to your eventual decision: for example ‘How long do you want me to babysit?’, ‘When could I expect the money back?’, ‘Are you really just inviting me to dinner?’, ‘If I were to take on this position, what would be my responsibilities?’ You may provoke a surprised reaction in the other person. People often get defensive, especially if they are expecting you to say ‘yes’ automatically or if their intentions are less than honourable. It forces them to be straight and clear themselves when making the request, which not everyone welcomes. A lot of people prefer to shuffle about in the half light of inexplicit statements and assumptions in which they can hide away from responsibility. Have courage in persisting if it is important to you.

  This brings us to the actual practice of saying ‘no’.

  Practise saying ‘no’ without excessive apology or excuses Be clear for yourself about the difference between an explanation and an excuse. Ask yourself whether you are explaining because of your own anxiety or because you genuinely want the other person to understand your reasons. Are you genuinely sorry not to be able to help? Are you really disappointed not to be able to accept an invitation? It is not always helpful to embellish a refusal with all sorts of gratuitous protestations of regret.

  Also practise saying the word ‘no’. Many women find it surprisingly difficult to force this one small word through their reluctant lips! Saying ‘no’ nicely usually entails avoiding the word altogether. If you believe, mistakenly, that you will spare someone else’s feelings by letting them down gently, then consider who you are really protecting. Much of the indirectness that muddies an assertive refusal is a way of avoiding a clear acknowledgement of responsibility. It can simply be a way of avoiding disapproval: the underlying messages are ‘Please don’t dislike me’, or ‘It’s not my fault’ or ‘Don’t be cross with me for saying “no” ’.

  If you have ever felt embarrassed and uncomfortable at the receiving end of one of those long-winded refusals, all plumped up with excuses and nonsense, you will appreciate the value of a plain, straightforward ‘no’. At least you know where you stand.

  When making a refusal, try accepting responsibility for doing so. You do not need to blame someone else or pass the buck. Changing ‘I can’t’ to ‘I don’t want to’; changing ‘They wouldn’t like’ to ‘I don’t like’ are simple yet surprisingly effective changes of phrase.

  Despite our tendency to associate the two, refusal does not need to be a rejection. A lot depends on the way you refuse. The following illustrations offer some examples:

  Jenny and Sheila have been friends for a couple of years. They were colleagues in the same office until Jenny left but they still keep in touch and have lunch together from time to time. On this particular occasion, Jenny tells Sheila that she is about to book a last-minute holiday in Goa. Sheila immediately jumps at the idea and proposes that since she also has a week’s leave to take, they could both go to Goa. Jenny does not know how to respond. Her immediate feeling is uncertainty: they are friends but she is not sure whether they could successfully go on holiday together and the truth is she is actually looking forward to going away on her own.

  How can she handle this? She can say ‘yes’ and then pull out later. She can put aside her fears and tell herself that it will probably be all right and then risk ruining her week away. Or she can make an assertive refusal as follows:

  1.

  Jenny: I don’t think it would be a good idea.

  Sheila: Why on earth not? We both like sitting in the sun and lazing around, don’t we? And I could do with a break.

  Jenny: Yes, that’s true but I must say no because I do actually want to go away on my own.

  Sheila: I don’t understand. It seems a great idea to me.

  Jenny: Look Sheila, I value our friendship very much. I enjoy meeting and talking to you but I just don’t feel ready to go on holiday together and I had planned to go away on my own. That really is what I want to do.

  Sheila: Well, I’m sorry I asked.

  Jenny: Don’t apologise. I’m sorry. Do you feel I’ve rejected you now?

  Sheila: Well, I feel a bit upset but I guess it’s best for you to make the right decision now. It would be awful to go away and then find you’d rather be on your own.

  Jenny: Thank you for understanding. I do value our time together but I know this is the right decision.

  2.

  Maggie is dreading going home for Christmas. She knows her mother expects her to stay there for the holiday period as usual but she really doesn’t want to go. She wants to spend the time on her own, seeing her friends at home. But as she isn’t married with a family, her mother finds it impossible to understand what reason Maggie could have for not going home.

  Maggie telephones rather than waiting for the inevitable invitation from her mother.

  Maggie: Hello, Mum

  Mother: Hello, dear. We were wondering when we’d hear from you. We’re looking forward to seeing you up here soon. When will you be arriving?

  Maggie: Well, Mum, that’s what I was phoning about. This is really hard, Mum, but I’ve decided that I am going to spend Christmas on my own at home.

  Mother: You can’t spend Christmas on your own.

  Maggie: Yes, I can, Mum. That’s what I want to do.

  Mother: But your Dad and I have been so looking forward to it. It won’t be the same . . .

  Maggie: I know that, but I want to spend Christmas in my own home.

  Mother: It will be very miserable for us without you. I mean, I know there’s nothing much for you to do but I thought you always liked coming home and being looked after.

  Maggie: I do like seeing you but I really don’t want to come up for Christmas.

  Mother: Well, your Dad’s going to be very disappointed, you know.

  Maggie: I know he will and I know you are too, Mum. Try and understand that it’s not you I am rejecting. I love you both very much and want to come and spend time with you but I do want to spend this Christmas on my own here.

  Mother: Well, I don’t understand but still, you’re a grown woman now. I suppose you’ve got to lead your own life.

  Maggie: Thanks, Mum. Having said that, I would like to come and see you over the New Year weekend. Would that be all right?

  3.

  Sally met Ian at a party. At the time, she enjoyed talking with him so she agreed to his proposal to meet for a drink during the week. When they meet and spend the evening together, Sally realises that they have very little in common and that she isn’t interested in spending more time with him. During the course of the evening her discomfort steadily grows as she becomes aware that he is feeling very much more attracted to her than she is to him and that he obviously wants to extend their relationship. She knows she doesn’t want this. She could agree to see him again, knowing that she would cancel the arrangement later or she could state her decision clearly there and then. How can she do that without rejecting him and hurting his feelings? As they are about to leave, Ian asks if she wants to go and see a new film together the following week:

  Sally: Ian, I really don’t think it would be a good idea for us to meet again.

  Ian: Why not? I didn’t think there was anyone else.

  Sally: I don’t have anyone else, that’s true, but I would rather be clear now than risk being dishonest and more hurtful later. I have enjoyed our
evening together but I don’t want to make another date.

  Ian: You certainly know how to hit below the belt, don’t you?

  Sally: I’m not hitting below the belt but I know that it must sound very abrupt and hurtful to you. It’s just that I’ve learned the hard way that if I don’t make a clear decision at the start, then everything gets very messy.

  Ian: But your feelings might change.

  Sally: Well, they might but right now that’s how I feel.

  Ian: Well, there’s not much more to say, is there?

  Sally: No, I suppose there isn’t. Thank you for an enjoyable evening.

  4.

  For the second year running Monica has been invited to give a series of lectures in Manchester. Last year, she wrote to her longstanding friend, Penny, saying that she was coming and Penny was delighted to offer her a room in her house. Although Monica was happy to spend time with Penny, she found the household of four children a little too boisterous. It had been difficult to prepare her work because of the constant interruptions and the general mayhem of a large family atmosphere conflicted with her need for tranquillity and solitude. She has just received an email from Penny inviting her to stay again this year. Monica is unsure how to tell Penny that she wants to stay in a hotel. She could just say nothing and hope she doesn’t bump into her. She can ‘take care’ of her friend’s feelings and stay in her house, denying her need for privacy. Or she can explain assertively. She calls Penny:

  Monica: Penny, it’s very kind of you to offer me hospitality again but I have decided to take a room in a hotel this time.

  Penny: But why go to all that expense when you can stay here for free?

  Monica: I know it would be cheaper to stay with you but I need some peace and quiet to prepare my work and I think an anonymous hotel room would be better.

  Penny: But the twins are very happy to move out of their room for you. They’ve been excited about your visit for weeks.