Unchained Memories

by Karen D. Badger

  An intense feeling of hopelessness washed over her. Please come back to me, Billie. I need you—all of you. She willed herself to relax and enjoy the feel of Billie’s arms around her. Slowly, she fell into a tortured sleep.

  Cat was scheduled for surgery every morning for the rest of the week. While she worked, Billie put all her energy into her therapy. Over the next two and a half days, she gained enough mobility and balance on the crutches that Laura no longer maintained a constant hold on the belt. At the end of each day, Laura stretched and massaged Billie’s limbs before leaving her in Cat’s care. Evenings were spent cuddling and talking, or lying in each other’s arms, enjoying the closeness.

  Billie’s OT and speech therapy sessions were discontinued, and sessions with Dr. Connor were reduced to every other day. With Cat in surgery, Billie attended these alone. In one particularly grueling session, she told Dr. Connor about the dream she had.

  “It was horrible. I found myself rushing home from work. Fear gripped my chest, and I couldn’t breathe. Somehow I knew Cat was in trouble. I burst into our bedroom and found my ex-husband, Brian, had raped her.” Billie tried hard to hold the tears back as she wrapped her arms around her midsection.

  “How did you react to that?” Dr. Connor asked.

  “I nearly killed him. My martial arts training kicked in, and I beat the shit out of him. Cat stopped me, or I might have crossed the line. At that point, I woke up, terrified.”

  “So, tell me, do you think this was only a dream, or was it a memory?”

  “I don’t know for sure. Cat told me Brian had raped her. That was how Skylar was conceived, but Cat spared me the details of the rape, so I don’t know if what I dreamed was recall or my mind’s fabrication of what the rape might have been like for Cat.”

  “Have you told her about the dream?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  Billie wiped tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand and sniffled before replying. “Cat wants our lives to be the way they were before. She wants me to regain all memory of us—of our lives together. It tears my heart out each time I have to tell her I don’t remember. I can’t bear to see the pain in her eyes. I refuse to hurt her any more. That’s why I didn’t tell her.”

  Dr. Connor covered one of Billie’s hands with her own. “Keeping things like this from Cat won’t lessen her pain. It will only serve to heighten it if she believes you don’t trust her to handle it. Cat’s a strong woman. She loves you with every fiber of her being. A blind man could see that.”

  Billie shifted under Dr. Connor’s scrutiny.

  “You know, Cat may be able to help you if you let her.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “If this incident was indeed recall, and not just a dream, Cat would have been there. Talk to her about it. She’ll be able to validate for you whether this is real or fabrication.”

  Billie narrowed her eyes. “Doc, how long ago did Cat and I begin seeing you?”

  “Let’s see, it’s been almost five years. Why do you ask?”

  “If the dream is true, it would’ve happened just about then. Wouldn’t we have talked to you about it?”

  Dr. Connor folded her hands in her lap. “It’s not for me to say whether this incident was real or not. What I can say is this… if Cat confirms this is recall and not just a dream, it’s a memory you share. She’s the best person to help you deal with the details of it.”

  “And if it’s not a memory?”

  “You and Cat must understand permanent memory loss is a very real possibility. If that happens, you’ll have to accept the past is gone and begin building the future on new memories. That may be something you’ll both have to decide whether you can live with.”

  Billie frowned as Dr. Connor’s meaning sunk in. “Are you saying Cat may not be able to live with it if the memory loss is permanent?”

  “As painful as it sounds, yes, that’s a real possibility.”

  Billie brought both hands to her face as she allowed the dam holding back her tears to burst. Dr. Connor waited while Billie let down her guard and released the feelings she’d been holding inside for days.

  “I can’t lose her. She’s my lifeline.”

  Dr. Connor rubbed Billie’s back. “Talk to her about the dream, Billie. If it is real, then there’s hope the rest of your memories will return, but if it isn’t, both you and Cat will have to focus on what’s ahead rather than dwelling on what’s lost. If you love her and she loves you, there’s a very good chance you’ll be able to work this out together.”

  * * *

  Bright and early Thursday morning, on Billie’s fifteenth day in the hospital, Joseph showed up at Billie’s room, just after Cat left for work.

  “Good morning,” Joseph said.

  Billie sat on the edge of the bed eating the last of her breakfast. “Joseph. To what do I owe this honor? Where’s Laura?”

  “Laura’s preparing the PT room for your therapy. I’m here to escort you there, but first, we have a little exercise to do.”

  “Exercise?”

  Joseph walked over to Billie and moved her breakfast tray out of the way. He held out his hands to her. She placed her hands in his and pulled herself into a standing position.

  “All right, balance yourself,” he said.

  While Billie concentrated on keeping her balance, Joseph released one of her hands. Fear overwhelmed her when she realized what he was planning to do. He released her other hand and she looked down at her feet. Joseph grabbed her by the shoulders, when she started to teeter, and steadied her. “No. Look here,” he said, pointing to his eyes.

  Once again, while maintaining steady eye contact, he released her. For long moments, she stood on her own with no support from a walker or crutches or Joseph. When her balance started to weaken, he grasped her shoulders.

  “Well, Billie. If today’s therapy sessions go as well as this, you might be going home tomorrow.”

  Billie’s eyes widened. “Home?” she asked as she accepted the crutches from Joseph.

  “Billie, that’s wonderful news!”

  Billie looked beyond Joseph to see Jen standing in the doorway. “Hi,” she said as Jen crossed the room and hugged her. “Cat’s working this morning.”

  “I know. I’m here to see you, not Cat. Want some company during your PT?”

  “Sure.”

  Billie’s PT that morning consisted of stair-climbing techniques. Cat had provided a description of their home to Joseph very early on. She pointed out potential problems with the stairs to the family room in the basement and to the bedrooms on the second floor.

  Billie scanned the layout of the PT room and noted Laura set up two configurations of stairs, one with railings and one without. “I’m not sure I can do this, Joseph.”

  “Of course you can,” Joseph said. “Stair climbing requires a combination of three components: muscle strength, muscle control, and balance. You stayed in shape through regular aerobic exercise and running prior to your illness, so you should have more than enough muscle strength to do this. We’ve also been working on your balance for the past two weeks. All we have to do is combine those components to negotiate the stairs. You can do it, Billie. I know you can. Do you have any questions?”

  Billie shook her head.

  “Okay then. Let’s get started.”

  In no time, Billie mastered the stairs with railings, as she was able to use her arms to help pull herself up and to restrain her descent down the stairs. The stairs without railings were more difficult. Billie worked very hard, while Jen watched. For two hours, Billie concentrated on climbing up and down the stairs with crutches as Laura stood close by to catch her should she stumble. Finally, Joseph called a halt and sent her back to her room. Jen followed close behind.

  Laura left Billie sitting in the chair by the window while Jen sat on the edge of the bed facing her. Billie was very quiet.

  “Are you all right, Billie?”

  Billie frowned at J
en. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

  “You’re nervous about going home, aren’t you?”

  “Yes, I am.”

  Jen knelt in front of Billie, took her hands in her own, and sat back on her heels. “It’ll be all right, you know. Cat loves you very much. I know she’ll make it as comfortable for you as possible. Don’t be afraid.”

  “I still don’t remember her. I don’t remember you or the girls. I’m afraid I never will.” Her eyes misted over.

  Jen reached up and smoothed the worry lines from Billie’s brow. “I think being home will help. You’ll be in familiar surroundings. Maybe it’ll prompt memory recall. But if it doesn’t, if for some reason, your memory fails to come back, know you’ll be among people who love you.”

  Billie just nodded.

  Just then, Billie’s lunch arrived.

  Jen rose to her feet and placed a gentle kiss on Billie’s head. “I’ve got to go. There’s something I need to do before tomorrow. Tell Cat I stopped by and to give me a call tonight, okay?”

  Billie nodded as Jen kissed her again. “Love you, big guy. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Cat arrived at Billie’s room just as she finished her lunch. She kissed Billie on the lips. “Hi. How was PT this morning?”

  “Stair climbing.”

  “I’m sorry I missed it.”

  “That’s okay, Jen was there. Oh, and by the way, she wants you to call her later.”

  “Okay. Thanks for letting me know.”

  Billie seemed withdrawn and quiet. The expression on her face worried Cat.

  “Billie, What are you afraid of? I can see the fear in your eyes.”

  “Joseph said I’ll probably be able to go home tomorrow.”

  “That’s wonderful! I can’t wait to have you home. The kids will be thrilled.” Cat hugged her.

  Cat pulled back when she realized Billie was unresponsive. “Billie?” She searched Billie’s face for some clue about how she was feeling. “What’s wrong?”

  “I… I don’t know if I belong there. I still don’t remember you. It isn’t fair to burden you with this.”

  Cat was angry. She walked a couple paces away. “Damn it, Billie. Of course you belong with us. There’s no way you’ll be a burden on us. How dare you even suggest such a thing?” Cat approached Billie and knelt down in front of her. She took Billie’s hands in her own. “Sweetheart, I’m thrilled you’re coming home tomorrow. I just know you’ll recover faster there. Please give us a chance. What have you got to lose?”

  “It’s what you’ve got to lose that I’m afraid of. What if I never remember? What then?”

  “You said you loved me. Do you, or were you just telling me something you think I wanted to hear?”

  Billie’s brows knit together. “I do love you. I don’t know why, but I feel as though I always have. I just don’t know you. That terrifies me,” she said. “I’m afraid, Cat. I’m afraid.”

  Cat placed her fingertips under Billie’s chin and lifted her face until their eyes met. “Well, that makes two of us.” A play of emotions ran across Billie’s face.

  “I have something to tell you,” Billie said.

  “What is it?”

  “I had a dream the other night. At least I think it was a dream.”

  “Tell me about it. Please.”

  Billie held Cat’s gaze with her own. “Was I there when Brian raped you?”

  Cat gasped as the question left Billie’s lips. She regained her composure before answering. “You weren’t there during the rape. You came in just after it was over.”

  “What did I do?”

  “You kicked his ass clear across the room. You nearly killed him. I think you might have if I hadn’t stopped you.”

  Billie squeezed Cat’s hands as a tear fell from her eyes onto their entwined fingers.

  “What is it, Billie?”

  Billie smiled through a cloud of tears. “My dream was real. It wasn’t a dream at all. It was a memory.”

  Laura came to collect Billie for her afternoon PT while Cat discussed her discharge with Doc and arranged to schedule her own vacation time for the next two weeks. After the paperwork was finished, she called Art to let him know Billie would be going home the next day, and he was free to visit whenever he wanted. The last call she made was to Jen.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, Jen. It’s Cat.”

  “Oh, I’m glad you called. I see you got my message. So you must know by now Billie’s being released tomorrow.”

  “Yes, and by the way, thanks for spending time with her today. I hated that I had to work this week. I missed a lot of her PT sessions. In fact, she’s in one now that I need to run to as soon as I’m finished with you.”

  “No problem. Hey, I was thinking I could pick your kids up tomorrow from your mom’s, and Fred and I could arrange a coming-home party for Billie. What do you think? We could have a small cookout in the backyard. Just our two families. Anything else might overwhelm her.”

  “I think that’s a great idea. You might want to warn Fred, Stevie, and Karissa, that Billie might not recognize them.”

  “They already know. I’ve been keeping them up-to-date on Billie’s progress while she’s been in the hospital. I’ll get the ball rolling on this end.”

  “Jen, what would I do without you? You’re such a wonderful friend.”

  “Oh pshaw. Enough of the mushy stuff. You know how I feel about you guys. In fact, the big guy better get her act together and get her memory back, ’cause if she doesn’t, you’re mine. You got that?”

  Cat laughed. “You’re such a nut,” she said before remembering her conversation with Billie earlier in the day. “Speaking of Billie getting her memory back, she had a dream— well, it was actually a recall. She remembers kicking the shit out of Brian after she walked in on the rape.”

  “Just like Billie to start with one of the most difficult memories. That’s great news. Let’s hope it’s a sign of more to come.”

  “Keep your fingers crossed that it is.”

  “Fingers, toes, even my ringlets will be crossed,” Jen said. “Okay, sweetie, I know you want to get back to the PT session. Oh, oh, oh, wait a minute, I almost forgot. Billie is worried and nervous about coming home tomorrow. You might want to talk to her about it tonight.”

  “I’ve already talked to her. She’s more than nervous, she’s downright scared. This isn’t going to be easy. It’s going to take a lot of time and patience. I just hope she comes back to us. The dream is a good start. I miss her.” Cat’s voice choked up at the end.

  “Don’t lose faith, all right? I have a good feeling about this. You’ll see. Keep your chin up.”

  “I will. Thanks for listening. I’ll call you tomorrow when I know what time we’ll be coming home. I’ll talk to you later. Goodbye.”

  Billie’s PT went well. In addition to stair climbing, she practiced walking through the parallel bars. Using a minimum amount of support from the railings, she concentrated on keeping her balance as she placed one foot in front of the other through the length of the bars. Cat stood off to the side with Joseph, and Laura walked behind Billie, ready to reach out and support her if necessary. The going was very slow, but she managed to get through with only the lightest touch of her fingertips on the rails. It would be some time yet before she would be able to walk unassisted, but it was an encouraging start.

  After the session was over, Billie climbed onto her bed and lay back to wait for the stretching exercises and massage to begin. Laura approached her and stood beside the bed, her arms crossed as though in thought.

  “Cat, come here, will you?” Laura said.

  Cat approached the bed.

  “Since you’re the one who’ll be doing this for her at home, you might want to participate in this session.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “It’s okay. You’ve been watching me for two weeks. You should know what to do by now. Here, let me help you get started.” Laura came around behind Cat an
d took her hands to direct her in how to exercise and massage Billie’s muscles. After a few moments, Cat took over while Laura released her and stepped off to the side to watch, providing verbal direction every now and then.

  Billie enjoyed the rubdown. She closed her eyes and savored the feelings and emotions Cat generated with her hands.

  For her part, Cat tried very hard to keep the massage as clinical as possible. Her goal was to provide therapeutic relief, not sexual stimulation. However, glancing at Billie’s face, she wasn’t sure which one she was accomplishing. By the end of the massage, she was very warm, her face was flushed, and her heart beat rapidly in her chest. This is one job that’s going to be very difficult to get through each night. She took a step away from the bed and noticed the disappointed expression on Billie’s face.

  “Good job, Cat,” Laura said when she finished. “Don’t you think so, Billie?”

  “Oh, yeah,” Billie said in such a way it was obvious what she thought about the rubdown.

  Cat blushed and looked everywhere but at Laura.

  Later that evening, Cat and Billie lay in each other’s arms, too nervous about Billie going home the next day for either of them to sleep.

  “Jen’s going to pick the kids up and bring them home for us tomorrow,” Cat said.

  Billie nodded.

  “Sweetheart, I know you’re nervous. I’m nervous too.”

  “What’s the house like?” Billie asked.

  Cat climbed off the bed and grabbed the pad of paper and pencil Dr. Connor had left for Billie to write down her feelings. She sat cross-legged beside Billie and drew out the floor plan of all three levels of their house.

  “The main floor of the house holds the living room, a big eat-in kitchen, bathroom, and a guest room. We’ll have to avoid the family room for a while, since it’s in the basement. I don’t think you’re quite ready for that flight of stairs. All of the bedrooms are on the second floor, as well as a second bathroom. Since our bedroom is one flight up, you’ll have to stay in the first floor guest room for a few days.”