“This is what I want, is it what you want?” I can feel his excitement grow beneath me and I arch into him again, raising a breast to his mouth.
“I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anyone more in my life.” I watch as he takes the tip of my breast in his mouth, circling me with his hot tongue. Ben grips my hips and flips me onto the bed next to him and then climbs on top of me. “You tell me if you change your mind, promise me you’ll tell me when it gets to be too much.” I nod as he trails a moist line from my earlobe across my chest before taking my other breast into his mouth, giving it the same attention he gave the first.
My hands fly into his hair, gripping him to my body, and I cry out when he lightly bites down on the skin just above my nipple. I rock my hips against him and pull his lips to mine. “Ben, please,” I whisper, pulling at the waist of his boxer briefs. Pulling back, he pushes up onto his knees and removes his underwear as I watch. Every part of him is perfect, and I reach out to pull him down to me.
“I didn’t bring anything, Lori.” It takes a minute for his sentence register, but as soon as it does, I lean over and slide out my nightstand drawer. Reaching inside, I grab a condom and open it. He watches as I remove it from the package and roll it onto him, sucking in a breath as I slide my hand over his length. I let my legs fall open and guide him to my entrance.
His eyes are locked on mine when he pushes inside me, stretching me and filling me. His lips brush against mine and I breathe out the breath I’d been holding. He starts to rock in and out of me, and an amazing feeling builds inside of me. I don’t know how he manages to have that effect on me, igniting a desire so rich it builds with such little friction. I close my eyes and bite my lip as he licks a path along my neck.
“Fuck, Lori, you feel so good.” I wrap my legs around him and pull him tightly against me, running my nails down his back as he moves inside of me.
“Ben, don’t stop, I’m so close,” I say as I tip my hips up to take him in deeper. I watch his eyes as they become even heavier lidded, listening to his breathing as he slides against me. When he reaches between us to touch me, it’s only a second before pleasure tears through me and I’m panting his name. He slides my knee up and buries himself deep inside of me before finding his release.
As I lay in bed catching my breath, I realize what we just had was the best kind of sex, the kind that feels connected at every level. There’s no denying that our chemistry is amazing, the way we moved together and found pleasure in each other. When he climbs back into bed after cleaning up, he reaches out to clasp my hand and pulls me onto his chest. I worry for just a minute that my heart won’t understand that we can’t be together. I tuck that fear away and put my head on his chest, allowing myself to feel close to him, even if it will only be for just a minute.
Ben slowly traces circles on my back before pushing the hair back from my face. I know what I just proposed to him, friends with benefits while keeping it secret. It should feel terrible to keep something this amazing a secret, like it’s somehow dirty or disrespectful. I don’t feel that way. I feel as though I gave us a chance, even if it’s a small one, to explore this chemistry and get it out of our system so we are not forever comparing our other relationships, sexual or otherwise, to each other.
“Are you okay, Lori?” he asks. I can hear the concern in his voice, and it makes my heart swell. I nod and look into his eyes.
“I’m fine, Ben. How are you? Are you okay with this?” He pauses for a minute, and I watch as he thinks carefully before saying anything.
“I’m fine. I don’t like the idea of sneaking around behind my family’s back; it goes against everything I’ve been raised to believe in. I also don’t like some other guy getting to determine who I get to pursue. Max’s loss is my gain. I just wish my family would be able to see it like that, but years and years of tradition and rules cloud their visibility in that area. I can’t walk away from you, so I guess this solution is our only option until we get each other out of our systems.”
We lie here for a minute, thinking about how this is going to change things, but neither of us speak. When his cell phone chimes from somewhere in the room, he wiggles out from under me and retrieves it. He gives me a small apologetic smile and then answers the phone. I want to give him privacy, so I make my way to the bathroom to freshen up. I can hear his authoritative voice in the background as I turn the shower on.
Stepping under the hot water, I tip my head back and let it wash through my hair. I lather up some soap and begin cleaning the scent of Ben from my skin. I wonder how many moments like this I’ll get. I don’t have a problem with casual, but I think it might be different with Ben. He intrigues me, leaving me wanting more from him each time we are together. I hear the door open and footsteps on the tile. He is dressed; I can tell by the sound of his shoes on the hard surface, and part of me is disappointed already.
“I have to go, Lori. When I can call you again? I guess I don’t really know how to do this?” I want to laugh at his obliviousness to the idea that I’m not exactly a professional at this either. I have had a few one-night stands, but usually my sexual relationships come with some sort of commitment.
“You mean you don’t know how to have a friend with benefits?” I answer, only half kidding. The shower door opens immediately, and I can tell by his face he is either hurt or angry; I just don’t know him well enough to figure out which.
“Is that what this is?” he asks, and I can hear his vulnerability in his voice.
“What else would it be, Ben? We’re friends, having sex, but not telling anyone about it. I think that pretty much sums up the whole friends with benefits deal.” I turn off the faucet and squeeze the water from my hair. I’m nervous that I’ve said something to upset him when he doesn’t respond right away. “Ben?”
“What does that even mean? Are you going to be seeing other guys still? Are we exclusive?” He has lost eye contact with me now and is slowly letting his eyes trail over my body. We’re going to get nowhere fast in the conversation if I don’t cover up. I grab my towel and wrap it around my body, squinting a mock angry face. Ben just shrugs and lets out a little chuckle, taking a sip from a water bottle I hadn’t noticed he was holding.
“Maybe we should take it day by day, Ben. I’m not currently seeing anyone but I imagine if someone was interested and I was interested in them, then I would want to end whatever this little thing is we have going to see where that would lead. I know we took things pretty quickly, Ben. That isn’t usually my style. When I’m with someone, I’m only with that person.”
Ben nods and then brushes the back of his hand over his mouth. I begin to feel like perhaps we’re making progress. Maybe we really can do this without getting hurt or having anyone find out.
“It would be the same for you, Ben. If you were interested in someone else, you would just need to let me know so that I could bow out respectfully. Don’t make me the other woman, it’s a position that I won’t tolerate.” Ben leans his shoulder up against the door frame and then nods once in my direction.
“What about for business?” he asks.
I hadn’t really thought this through very far in my desperation to come up with some sort of loophole in the family rules so that I could enjoy him a little longer. We both have very public business pursuits, and it’s clear that there will be many times we’ll need to be seen with dates at different media events.
“Business as usual, I guess. Sex will change things. If you choose to have a sexual relationship with one of your dates then this thing between the two of us is over—same for me. Honesty will be key in this arrangement.” I answer his question calmly even though I’m not feeling that way at all.
He nods and then pushes off the wall and stalks toward me. “When will you and I be together? What’s the normal time frame for something like this?”
I smile at his need to have all the t’s crossed.
“Sorry, Lori. I know I’m intense when it comes t
o business arrangements. I have sex with my dates usually one time, and then I’m bored or they start getting clingy and I don’t have time for that. This is new territory with you.” He puts his hand on my cheek and then brushes his thumb across my soft skin. “I’m not even close to bored, and I kind of want you to be a little clingy.” Leaning in, he sucks my bottom lip into his mouth and I slowly open my mouth for his tongue.
Ben’s other hand grips my waist and pulls me closer to him. I want to tell him that seeing him with other girls is going to sting for me, too, but I don’t want to give him that information yet. I’m not sure where all of this is going to take us, and I feel like if I show him too much of my weaknesses, he’ll have an advantage in the end.
“What about Madeline? Are we keeping this from her?” My voice betrays me and I sound a little needy.
“If she finds out about us she’s going to be so pissed at me. I feel terrible enough as it is agreeing to hide you, I can’t handle the way Madeline will take it when she finds out. Do you think you could keep us from her?”
I nod, knowing he’s absolutely right. If Madeline found out about this she would have both our asses.
“After the way I was with her and Jackson, she’d probably go right to my dad with the information.
“So then answer my question. When do we get to be together?”
I think for a minute. My schedule is so crazy during the week that I don’t have much time to give him. My weekends are usually when I date, but even then, it’s really a stretch of the word. I have a few hours here and there, and sometimes my whole day is spent getting ready for a big event.
“I don’t have much free time, Ben. We can text during the week and maybe meet up for a couple of hours on the weekend.” His hand on my waist grips me tighter and he tips my mouth up to his with the hand that is now tangled in my hair. The kiss is so hot I feel my flesh heat immediately and know that he can feel the way I melt into his touch. I slip my hands into the bottom of his shirt and feel his skin against my greedy fingers.
“Then I guess we’re really going to have to make the best use of the time we have.” His lips are back on mine not a second after he finishes the sentence. His hand tugs the top of my towel, causing it to pool in a pile at my feet. His hands slide down to cup my ass and I instinctively wrap my legs around him.
Walking me backward to the closest counter, Ben places me on top of the vanity. My hands fly out behind me to stabilize myself as his kiss becomes rougher against my mouth. His hands slide down and firmly grip my knees, spreading my legs wider to accommodate his body between them. A moan escapes my mouth as he rubs up against me, creating an erotic friction that makes me ache with need for him again.
Ben
This territory is all new to me, but now I feel like I have an understanding of how this is going to go. When she said we wouldn’t have much time together my body protested at the thought of not being with her. I run my hands down her soft curves and feel a need to consume her greater than any other need I’ve felt before. Her skin pebbles when I lick a trail across her breasts and slide her ass closer to the edge of the counter.
Turning her face away and exposing her neck, I can’t resist the urge to suck the skin and leave my mark. I haven’t felt the need to mark a girl since high school, and I’m not sure what’s going on with me, but if feels so fucking amazing that I’m going to stop questioning it and just enjoy the ride. My hand slides farther up her thigh as I tease the skin around her ear with my lips, loving the way she arches into me, begging without words for me to touch her where she needs me to the most.
My fingers find her folds and slowly trace over her before sliding inside. The sound she makes when my fingers slide inside is the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard, and I know I’m going to spend the next few months trying to hear it as often as possible. My thumb finds her most sensitive spot and I begin the slow circles that I know will have her crazy in a few strokes.
I want to watch her, so when I feel her tightening around me I pull my face back and look her in the eyes. She’s fucking beautiful and sexy, so confident that she doesn’t look away when she realizes what I’m doing. When she comes apart, I feel it down deep in my body, a drive to claim her and be the only man to take care of this need for her.
When her breathing evens out again I stand back from her so she can slide off the counter. She moves a little closer to the edge and then stands before me for the briefest of moments before continuing her descent to her knees. I can’t believe this is happening, and I brush my fingers through her hair, pulling slightly so that she looks up into my eyes. “Lori, you don’t have to . . .” My sentence falls short as she pulls my shorts down and wraps her warm hand around me.
I’m now acutely aware of the throbbing, the need for release aching in her hand. Her mouth slides down me and I let my head tip back and take in every sensation of her warmth on me. As she licks her tongue up and around my tip, it takes all of my concentration to not allow my knees to buckle. When I feel I’ve regained a little control, I look down and watch her as she takes me in. It doesn’t take long before I’m trying desperately to make it last a few minutes longer.
When I know I’ve lost control, I say her name and wait for her to pull back, but she doesn’t. My release is quick and powerful, wave after wave of pleasure racing through me. Sucking in a few deep breaths, I pull her up to her feet, loving the small smile that curves her lips. “Fuck, Lori. I don’t know if I can wait a whole week for that again.” I watch as she gets her towel from the floor, and then gather her hair at the nape of her neck for her, pulling it over one shoulder as she wraps the towel tightly around herself.
“You make a pretty convincing argument for meeting midweek.” Her flirty tone brings a smile to my face, and I grab her hips and pull her back to my front before kissing her bare neck. Her arms wrap around mine as I hold her there, and I know that this is the first time I’ve ever held a woman like this. I close my eyes for a minute and remind myself she isn’t mine. We’re on borrowed time and it would serve me well to remind myself of that fact when my whipped heart wants to stay to snuggle.
“I have to go, Lori. I’ll text you when I know what my schedule looks like for the upcoming week. We’ll need to talk about Jackson’s party and how to handle that, but most importantly, we need to find a time where I can hear a few more of those little noises you make.” I watch as her already heated cheeks flush a darker shade of red. I’m going to love every minute we’re together. I get a little taste of the disappointment and irritability I know I’m going to feel each time I have to leave.
Lori
The week goes exactly as I imagined it would. It’s finally Friday and while I had hoped to get together midweek with Ben, I just never had the time. We text each other throughout the day and he always texts me goodnight. I would feel guilty for my inability to make plans, but he has just as much trouble as I do. I found time for lunch one day but he had a meeting. He could make dinner but I had to stay late at the office. At least we won’t get sick of each other this way.
My phone rings through my car speakers as I dial Lauren on her cell during the drive home. “Hello,” she answers.
“Hey, stranger,” I say, my smile already in place even after a long day. “How was court?” She’s my favorite fancy-pants lawyer, and I’m so proud of the career she’s built for herself even if it means we rarely get to see each other.
“Brutal today,” Lauren practically growls. “But it pays the bills and I get to stomp the patriarchy, so it’s always a good day.”
I laugh and slip my bracelet off, setting it in the cup holder of my car as I wait for the light to change at an intersection. I always start my routine of taking the day off before I actually get back to my place. “You’re killing it.” I hype her up.
“Enough about me, girlie, tell me how you are,” she says.
“I’m good.” I answer her honestly. I’m happy. It’s been a while since I could say tha
t. I finally have something I’m looking forward to again.
“Oh, that sounds like trouble. Does he have a name?” Lauren knows me better than anyone. She’s teasing, but she’s been there for me through some really rough spots, so her concern isn’t all in jest.
“For now let’s just say things are looking up.” I feel a little guilty not giving her all the details like I usually do, but this situation is a little more sensitive than something I can just spill in a quick conversation.
“If I wasn’t about to lose you going through this tunnel under the airport, I wouldn’t let you get away with that! I want full details next brunch. I’m going out of town at the end of the week for much needed vacation, but I’ll be back in three weeks full of Italian carbs and wine and wanting every last bit of information.” Her voice breaks up but I can make out what she says enough to catch the message.
“You got it. Have a safe trip,” I tell her, but our phones disconnect before I’m sure she hears it.
When I get to my place, I toss my keys and purse onto the counter and kick my heels off as I turn the lights on in my condo. Making my way into the kitchen, I turn my iPod on and close my eyes for a minute as a slow, sultry song plays throughout the speakers in my apartment. Singing along, I grab the wine from my fridge and bring down my favorite wine glass from the cupboard.
I take a quick picture of my glass of wine before I bring it to my lips and revel in the crispness as I let it roll on my tongue. I send the picture to Ben along with a short text message about wishing he could be here drinking with me. I put the cork back in and set the bottle in the fridge again to keep cool. I’m not even hungry. I’m so tired from today that all I can think about is putting my feet up for a minute and listening to my music to relax.
My phone chimes with a message and I see it’s Ben. The picture is of his desk at work and it’s followed by a frowning face emoji. I laugh at how silly it is that a grown man is sending emojis, but if I’m honest, I love the way he can be real with me and not have to maintain his tough businessman attitude. I send him a picture of my feet up on the pillow at the end of my couch and the sleepy emoji.
Letting Go Page 7