One Hella Lucky Goddess (The Midlife Goddess)

by Tee, Marian

  My gaze snapped back to Minos, and the way he swiftly wiped the smirk off his lips told me Mary Priscilla hadn't been lying. "You—-"

  "Good morning, my love."

  Hadrian settled on the seat next to me, and I was right away distracted by the sexiest hint of a smile playing on his lips. "Good morning," I said breathlessly.

  His head started to lower, and my heart skipped a beat.

  "Cover the child's eyes, Rhadamanthus," Hadrian murmured as he cupped my chin.

  "Yes, milord."

  And then I was being kissed, and oh so thoroughly, too, that my toes remained curled even when Hadrian had finally lifted his head.

  The first few minutes of breakfast were probably one of the happiest moments of my life. I had been too scared to let myself imagine what it would be like to have Mary Priscilla with me in the Underworld, but reality turned out to be more wonderful than anything I could ever dream of.

  As much as it sucked to see Mary Priscilla and the ARM automatically bonding together in their mutual desire to annoy me, it was also kinda cute (but also slightly alarming) to see the girl's face glowing with happiness when Hadrian's men started talking about how impressed they were of her dedication to the art of haunting.

  The ARM apparently first learned about Mary Priscilla way back in the eighties, and they had kept an eye on her since then, having enjoyed the way she would diligently re-enact her favorite horror movie scenes with her own creative twist.

  "Remember what she did in homage to The Exorcist?" Rhadamanthus asked. "The way she twisted that guy's neck..."

  The three men started to grin, and when I turned to Mary Priscilla, she smiled rather proudly, saying, "I managed to twist his neck three times under five seconds."

  Three times?

  In five seconds?

  With all that neck twisting going on, didn't that mean the brat also ended up committing murder?

  The thought had me squirming in my seat, and I was secretly relieved when Hadrian put a temporary end to their talk by asking for an update about last night's portal.

  Apparently, the Council of Illusory Arts was the official department in charge for keeping track of portal locations. It was more or less the magical counterpart of the CIA, and per their latest findings, the Chinatown portal from last night had now moved back to its original location, which was at the empty parking lot of a foreclosed warehouse.

  "The CIA has records of that portal going back as far as the 1700s," Rhadamanthus reported, "and last night apparently was the first time the portal had changed its location."

  Hadrian's fingers drummed over the table. "Moving an entire portal to a different location requires an immense amount of power."

  The kind of power, I couldn't help thinking uneasily, that a god like Yan Wang would naturally possess. And if it did turn out that Yan Wang was behind the portal's move...did that make the Chinese god of death my enemy?

  When the conversation moved to legal territory, it was Minos' turn to share his own findings. He had consulted several oracles yesterday, but even the Oracle of Delphi, which was the best of them, had apparently drawn a huge, fat blank on what the future held for me.

  "So where does that leave us then?" I couldn't help asking. "Is it really not possible for me to be a goddess without having my own dominion?"

  "Not having a divine dominion of your own means you are a demigoddess at best, milady." Aeacus, as always, held nothing back with his reply.

  "Then...how about I choose my own dominion? You can't tell me there isn't ever a case that a god hasn't chosen his own dominion instead of waiting to be assigned one."

  "The latter has always been the case, milady," Minos said dryly.

  I shook my head. "I refuse to believe that, especially after yesterday."

  Hadrian frowned. "What about yesterday?"

  "Weren't you guys dealing with a god called No Sauce?"

  "Nosos?" Hadrian's frown deepened. "We've had trouble with him, yes, but I still do not see what that has to do with—-"

  "It's impossible that the Moirai had come up with a dominion that useless," I scoffed. "That god had to have chosen his own dominion, and obviously he was smart enough to choose something no one else would challenge him for. I mean, come on. God of No Sauce? That would make him what? The ruler of all restaurants without ketchup? And what would that make Heinz? His mortal enemy and—-why are you guys laughing?"

  "OH, WILL YOU PLEASE stop that already? It wasn't that funny."

  But of course such admonishment only made my disobedient handmaiden laugh even harder.

  It was already half past one in the afternoon, and Mary Priscilla and I were back above ground to do some shopping...or so Hadrian thought.

  I honestly hadn't wanted to lie to my husband, but I also knew I had no choice.

  News of Persephone changing legal counsel had reached us shortly after breakfast, and her new lawyer turned out to be Nemesis of all deities. Like honestly, once a Disney villain, always a Disney villain, and even worse, Nemesis' first move had taken us completely by surprise.

  Although the specifics of her dastardly complicated legal maneuver escaped me, the results of it were pretty clear cut: Eunomia had been forced to change the date of my next court appearance, and instead of having a month to prepare my defense, I now only had until tomorrow—-

  The sound of Mary Priscilla's groan drew me out of my thoughts, and a sigh of relief escaped me when I saw what she was groaning about.

  Thanks to Hades' inadvertent tip earlier, I knew exactly where to find last night's Chinatown portal, and just as Rhadamanthus reported, the magical town was located at the back of a foreclosed warehouse.

  Knowing I hadn't a second to waste, I hurriedly floated towards its bright lights while Mary Priscilla unhappily kept pace."Please don't tell me this is what I think it is."

  "Okay. I won't tell you."

  "Saoirse!"

  "You know I have less than 24 hours to figure out what my divine dominion is," I reminded her. "My guts tell me it has something to do with that coin trap—-"

  "Can't you just ask Little Iron to do something for you instead?"

  "Of course I tried asking for its help first," I said defensively, "but Little Iron is a tracker, and with the coin gone, there's nothing for it to track unless..."

  Mary Priscilla's expression turned incredulous. "Don't tell me—-"

  "Then I won't—-"

  "Saoirse!"

  "I just can't sit around and do nothing," I said helplessly. "I need to—-"

  "Sssssh!"

  Mary Priscilla and I jumped back as a familiar figure thrust itself between us. It was the same woman from yesterday, and I couldn't remember feeling so happy at having another person glare at me.

  "Why do you two keep insisting on making such noise this close to sacred grounds?" she demanded.

  "You remember us then?" I asked excitedly.

  "How can I not? I have not heard such prattle from at least a thousand years! Not since...well, never mind. Just be quiet, you two, and be mindful of your surroundings!"

  She floated off with an actual, audible harrumph, and Mary Priscilla and I slowly turned to each other.

  "It's fate," I whispered to the little girl excitedly, but when I tried going after the old woman, my little handmaiden suddenly blocked my way and shook her head at me.

  "Mary Priscilla, come on!"

  "Whatever you're planning, don't do it!"

  "Can't you see it isn't a coincidence that we've met her again?"

  "What if it's not a coincidence," the little girl protested, "but another trap?"

  "I just want to talk to her—-"

  "Let's do that when your husband's around—-"

  "As my handmaiden, you're obliged to follow me!"

  "I don't think I'll be your handmaiden for long if you end up getting killed," Mary Priscilla said darkly.

  "No one's getting killed," I assured her. "Or fired. Everyone knows how much I adore you—-"


  Just as expected, the little girl started gagging, and I quickly took advantage of her distraction by circling around her and running after the old woman.

  "Hello again," I greeted her just as a glowering Mary Priscilla caught up with me. "I'm Saoirse, by the way, and this little girl is Mary Priscilla." I smiled at the old woman hopefully. "And you are?"

  "Bothered, now shoo! Go away!"

  Mary Priscilla snickered, and I made a face at the brat before running after the woman again.

  "I'm really sorry to be a bother, but I'm afraid I can't leave you in peace until I have a few questions answered—-"

  The old woman stopped moving so suddenly that I nearly went through her.

  "How do you know that?"

  "Uh..." I shot a look at Mary Priscilla, but the girl only lifted her shoulders in an equally clueless shrug.

  "Someone must have told you I was the Keeper of the Divine Jiao Bei."

  "I have no idea what that means," I told her truthfully, "but if that can get my questions answered, I'm all for it."

  "You lie!"

  "I swear I'm not." I turned to Mary Priscilla, saying urgently, "Tell her I'm not lying!"

  "If it means anything," my handmaiden said right away, "she's not smart enough to lie about such things."

  "Mary Priscilla, you brat!"

  But for some reason, the kid's answer actually made the old woman laugh, and I didn't know whether to thank my handmaiden or glare at both of them.

  "You may call me Madam Xi," the older woman said then, "and as I can sense the truth in the child's words, it only means that fate must have brought you to me."

  "Yes," I said eagerly. "That was exactly what I was thinking about." Some might think this was another deus ex machina at work, but who cared? Fate was fate, and my guts told me that the answer I was seeking for lay in the Underworld...of another realm.

  Chapter Nine

  A pair of towering red gates appeared with a wave of Madam Xi's hand, and Mary Priscilla and I exchanged nervous looks at this impressive display of magic. The temple I had seen last night turned out to be Madam Xi's home-slash-workplace and coming into life before us were four towering stone statues: the Azure Serpent of the East, the Vermilion Bird of the South, the White Tiger of the West, and the Black Turtle of the North.

  "You are allowed to ask four questions," Madam Xi declared imperiously, "one for each of the Four Cardinal Gods, and no more or less than that."

  "Got it."

  "Begin by stating your name before asking your question, and be sure to ask only questions that are answerable by yes or no. Once done, toss these into the air."

  The old woman placed a pair of red moon-shaped blocks of wood in my hands, and I felt them literally pulse with power against my flesh.

  "They are called jiao bei," Madam Xi said briskly, "and unlike those used by humans, these do not need to be cast multiple times to gain an answer from our gods."

  I stared at her, and she stared back at me unblinkingly.

  "Anything else?"

  "No. That is it."

  "Seriously? I just say my name, ask my question, toss these into the air...and that's it?"

  Madam Xi's lip curled, and I...had no idea how to interpret that. I glanced at Mary Priscilla, but the little girl only shrugged. A big help she was, my little handmaiden, and—-whoa!

  The four giant statues suddenly roared, and Madam Xi frowned. "The gods are fast losing their patience. Please ask your first question now."

  "Oh." Shit. "Sorry for—-"

  Another fiery roar, and this time the message was loud and clear, and I started speaking. Fast.

  "My name is Saoirse, and I would like to know if Persephone, the former Lady of the Underworld, was the one who wrote a death curse in my name." I tossed the jiao bei into the air, and my heart started beating madly as I watched both pieces fall on their flat side.

  Madam Xi's lips tightened. "The gods say no."

  My mouth opened and closed.

  No? Seriously? No?

  I was tempted to ask if this whole divination thing came with a money-back guarantee, but considering how each of these four stone gods was about the same size as the Empire State Building—-

  Maybe this was like how it was with Little Iron, I told myself, and it was just a matter of asking the right question.

  Bending down, I picked the jiao bei from the ground and stated my name once again before asking my second question.

  "Did Persephone order someone else to write a death curse in my name?"

  Up went the jiao bei again, and I heard Madam Xi sharply draw her breath as the first block fell on its flat side while the second one fell on its round side.

  "The gods say yes."

  Even though a part of me had already expected such an answer, I still found myself nearly swaying in my feet at having my worst suspicions confirmed. Hadrian's wife might be a natural-born goddess, but this time there was no denying how Persephone also happened to be a murderously psychotic bitch.

  And as for my third question—-

  "Do I have a divine dominion of my own?"

  When the jiao bei fell back down, its answer required no interpretation. One still fell on its flat side, the other piece fell on its round side, and so this meant oh hell yeah, I did have a divine dominion of my own, and boy oh boy, did our Greek Oracles certainly have something to learn from the Four Cardinal Gods—-

  "Saoirse," Mary Priscilla hissed.

  Oh shit, I got distracted again, and when I saw that the stone gods were already fuming, distraction turned into panic, and my mind went completely blank. "I can't think of a question," I blurted out.

  Mary Priscilla groaned...and so did Madam Xi, which was not a good thing at all.

  "Just ask anything," the old woman urged. "It must be four questions—-"

  "Can't I take a rain check?"

  The stone gods roared, and since that pretty much answered my question, I said the first thing that came to mind.

  "Does my divine dominion have anything to do with great intellect and wisdom?"

  Up went the jiao bei—-

  And once it fell down—-

  Huh.

  Both pieces fell on its round side, and when I glanced at Madam Xi, it seemed as if the older woman was doing her best to fight off a smile.

  "What's so funny?" I asked suspiciously.

  "According to the jiao bei...the gods are laughing like crazy at your question."

  MARY PRISCILLA WAS laughing her head off again, and I had a feeling one of these days she'd end up doing just that. Literally. In our world, things like that were just a matter of finding the right magic spell, and speaking of spells...

  I waited until the giant temple gates had swung close before making an all-important announcement: "I think I should go back to the other Underworld."

  As predicted, the words had the brat go from laughing to groaning in record speed, and to forestall her protests, I hurriedly launched into a detailed explanation of my decision-making process.

  "You heard what Madam Xi told us earlier. Divinations are not admissible in any supernatural court in any realm, which then means the Four Cardinal Gods confirming my suspicions about you-know-who isn't enough, and so we need more proof, and with my court date set for tomorrow, I have no time to ask for Hadrian's opinion about this, and that's why even if it means risking getting cursed or trapped in another realm, I really have no choice but to do this now, and oh my God did I just say all of that in one breath?"

  Mary Priscilla only gave me a dour look in response, but since I was now gasping and wheezing like crazy with my lungs seemingly on fire, I think it's safe to assume that yes, I did say all of that in one breath.

  Also, note to self: ask Hadrian why gods needed lungs in the first place. Seriously.

  "You haven't heard a single word I said, have you?"

  Shit.

  Mary Priscilla's dark tone had me quickly looking back at her and lying through my teeth. "Of course I did, duh
!"

  "So what did I say?"

  "You said...all the things I expected you to say!"

  The brat rolled her eyes at me. "I knew it."

  "Well, whatever you said, I'm sure it went along the lines of my idea not being a good idea—-"

  "Because it's not," the little girl retorted. "It never is!"

  "I beg your pardon!"

  "Don't you remember what the Man in Black told you?"

  "Hadrian," I automatically corrected her. "My husband's name is Hadrian."

  But the kid just ignored this and went on with her tirade like she was the adult one between us. "Your powers won't be what they usually are when you're not in your realm—-"

  Gong! Gong! Gong!

  Mary Priscilla abruptly stopped speaking at the series of heavy banging sounds, and we could only watch in confusion as ghosts from everywhere went flying towards the open field across us. A makeshift stage had been set up at the center, and the rows of wooden chairs prepared for its audience were quickly filling up.

  Looking around, I saw a ghost waiting for his order by a milk tea stall and floated over to him. "Hi."

  Instead of answering, the guy looked around as if looking for someone else I could be talking to, and I had to fight back a smile when he turned to face me again, stammering, "Are you talking to me?"

  "Yup."

  He started blushing right away, and I would've been tempted to tease him a little more if I weren't a respectable married woman...and an ill-mannered brat didn't just happen to be making gross retching sounds between us.

  Mr. Shy looked at Mary Priscilla in concern. "Are you okay?"

  "Just ignore her," I advised him, and leaving him no choice to decide otherwise, I quickly pointed towards the outdoor theater and asked if he had any idea about what was going on over there.

  Mr. Shy appeared surprised then sympathetic. "Are you a new ghost?"

  Mary Priscilla burst into laughter before I could answer. "Saoirse died middle-aged," the kid declared gleefully. "There is nothing new about her—-"

  I let out an outraged gasp. "Thirty-eight is not middle-aged—-"