BLACKOUT

by Olivia Evans

  Krista clapped her hands. “Yes. Let’s do that. Let’s do anything but this.” She spun on her heel and, with her arm looped through Brett’s, took off toward the gates. I moved to follow, but Gavin tightened his arms around my waist to hold me in place.

  “We’ll catch up,” he yelled.

  Once the others left, he turned me to face him. “I’m sorry. I know you’re uncomfortable, and I’m not helping. I just wasn’t expecting him to be such a dick. He acted like I was the one who’d done something wrong. It kind of pissed me off.”

  I raised a brow. “Kind of?”

  “It pissed me off,” he corrected with a slight grin. “It’s strange. I’ve never felt possessive about another person in my life. Maybe I’ve changed. Maybe it’s just you.”

  “Maybe it’s just because you don’t like Ethan,” I suggested.

  Gavin let out a small laugh and kissed the tip of my nose. “That’s also possible. Come on, we better get going.”

  “Do we have to?”

  “Nope. We can leave right now.”

  This time, it was my turn to laugh. “You’re not helping my instinct to flee at all.”

  “Let’s go,” Gavin sighed. “Krista will be mad, and we wouldn’t want that. Plus, if we leave now, we won’t get to hear Ashley speak again. Now, that would be a shame.”

  “Well, well, well, look at you bringing out the snark. This is new. I like it.” Every day, it seemed like I was discovering a new part, another hidden piece about Gavin, and each one pulled me in a little deeper.

  “I like you,” he whispered, tugging on the bill of my hat. “Let’s go.”

  With my hand wrapped in his, I let him lead me through the crowd, my heart fluttering with those feelings you got with a first crush. I wished things were as uncomplicated now as they had been then.

  “Don’t blow it. Don’t blow it.”

  I looked at Gavin and tried not to laugh. I was pretty sure the entire stadium could have exploded around him and he wouldn’t have noticed, so long as it didn’t affect the game. When we got to our seats, Krista and Brett had taken the two in the middle, giving a nice buffer between Gavin and Ethan. While there had been a couple backhanded comments, for the most part, everyone behaved, especially after the Braves took a three-run lead. Now it was the top of the ninth inning, and while we still held a two-run lead, the Red Sox had two runners on base with only one out. I needed the Braves to pull this game out of their asses. Winning at sports always made boys less of a jerk. Plus, if the evening went as planned, we still had to endure dinner.

  The crack of the bat caused me to jump out of my seat, and with my heart in my throat, I watched the ball arc in the air over the third baseman. Out of nowhere, the shortstop leaped for the ball in some move that was sure to make SportsCenter’s top ten plays. His body rolled, and before he even hit the ground, the ball was flying toward second. Dust plumed around the base, and when the air cleared, I witnessed the most amazing double play I’d ever seen.

  “Holy shit!” Gavin yelled, sweeping me into his arms and kissing my lips. “I can’t believe we finally won.”

  I laughed at his enthusiasm, giddy myself, but not for exactly the same reason. He gave Brett a high five, but Ethan made no such move and neither did Gavin. Still, they hadn’t killed each other, so that was something. Of course, with the excitement of the game, they hadn’t had much interaction either. Dinner, however, would be an entirely different situation.

  “Are we ready to go have burgers? I’m starving.”

  I looked at Krista and shrugged. “Sure?”

  She grinned and pulled me into a hug. “It’s cool. We’re all cool.”

  Outside the stadium, we split from the others and told them we’d see them at The Vortex. In the back of the cab, I scooted close to Gavin until our bodies touched. “That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be,” I said, peeking up to gauge his response. He let out a heavy sigh and dropped his hand on top of my knee.

  “It definitely could have been worse.”

  “Agreed.” I wanted to suggest we not go to dinner. I’d had enough of Ethan and his completely off-the-rails behavior. We’d have a conversation about it in the near future, but for now, I just wanted to close my eyes and relax in the comfort of Gavin’s warmth.

  “Lonna.”

  I exhaled and my eyes fluttered. I was wrapped in the scent of cedar, cloves, and sunshine, and I couldn’t help but push my face farther into the smell.

  “Lonna. Wake up, baby.”

  This time, it was my heart that fluttered. Heat raced under my skin, leaving a trail of fire in its wake. Hearing Gavin’s voice as I woke, feeling the rush of his breath against my skin, it made me want to wake beside him for real and not in the back of a cab outside a busy restaurant. I pushed my hair back and tilted my face to his.

  “Sorry,” I whispered with a shy smile. “The sun always wears me out.”

  “It’s okay,” he said with a softness in his eyes I’d never seen before. “I like having you close.”

  The cab driver cleared his throat, breaking us out of our bubble. My eyes widened, and I bit back a laugh as we crawled out of the cab and stepped onto the curb where everyone was already waiting for us.

  “Did she fall asleep? She fell asleep, didn’t she?” Krista asked, grinning. “She always does that. Hopefully, she didn’t drool on you.”

  “I didn’t mind,” Gavin chuckled, wrapping his arm around my waist. “And the drool was barely a teaspoon. Totally fine.”

  “Oh my God,” I groaned, trying to twist out of his grasp. Gavin tightened his grip and leaned down, pressing his lips to my temple. “I’m only teasing.” Lowering his voice so only I could hear, he spoke again. “You can drool on me anytime.”

  “Are we going to eat or just stand out here all day?”

  And just like that, a bucket of jackass rained down on us all. I looked at Ethan and gave him a tight smile. “You don’t have to wait on us if you’re that hungry.”

  “Like, it’s totes fine! We’re down for whatever. No rush, girly. You mack on that man.” Ashley gave me this weird wink like she was having some kind of spasm, completely oblivious to her surroundings.

  What the fuck?

  “Let’s go,” Krista said, gently tugging my arm. “The sooner we eat, the sooner this can end.”

  “Finally,” I muttered, glad she was acknowledging how awkward this entire situation was. With a reluctant sigh, we stepped into the restaurant. The moment we were inside, the smell of burgers and booze assaulted my senses. I scanned the room. The lights were lowered as were the shades to block out the heat of the setting sun. Music blared through the speakers, and the dull roar of voices made it hard to think. I should have expected the place to be packed. It was Saturday night, and the Braves had just won; still, I wasn’t prepared. The realization hit me that this was the first time I’d gone out since it happened.

  “There’s a forty-five-minute wait,” Krista shouted over the noise. “Let’s grab a drink.”

  I watched my friends slide up to the bar. They were all talking animatedly, their hands moving in the air as they spoke. I couldn’t seem to move.

  “Are you okay?” Gavin asked, his proximity causing me to flinch. I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn’t find my words. He was too close. I cast him a fleeting glance, and whatever he saw in my expression caused pain to flash in his eyes as he took a step back. “What can I do?”

  I looked away. I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t want to see the hurt in his eyes, the helplessness. I glanced to my friends, my stomach turning when I saw Ethan knock back a shot of tequila. My palms began to sweat, and a tremble started at my feet and worked its way up my body. Saliva flooded my mouth, spots dancing in front of my eyes. I was going to pass out. I didn’t know if it was self-preservation or a moment of clarity, but I reached out for Gavin and clutched his arm. He shifted to my side immediately, his other hand hovering in the air, unsure what to do.

  “Please,” I choked
, my vision clouding. He moved in front of me and wrapped me in his arms, hugging me against his chest, attempting to block out the world around me. I breathed in his scent, trying to calm my nerves, but when I looked to the bar and saw Ethan knock back another shot of tequila, my chest squeezed painfully. Suddenly, everything shifted. A large group of people walked through the front door, drunk and loud. The song changed to the one in my nightmares. They pushed past us, laughing and joking, and in a split second, I was transported back in time. I was back at that party, walking around the room with a wide smile and the confidence of a god.

  “Lonna, what can I do? Please, talk to me.” Panic laced Gavin’s words, but I was too lost in my memories to answer. I wanted to leave. I wanted to jam my fingers in my ears and block out the beat of the song I’d once loved.

  Out of nowhere, the smell of tequila saturated my skin, and I couldn’t breathe. My knees shook as I gasped for air. Why was there no air?

  “What the fuck did you do to her?” Ethan shouted. His words were muffled, and he smelled like my nightmares.

  “Get away,” I panted. “Gavin, please. Make him get away.”

  “I didn’t do shit to her. She wants you to step back.”

  “Fuck that. You don’t know shit about Lonna. Get the fuck away from her.”

  I felt Gavin’s body shift as Ethan grabbed his arm and tried to pull him away from me. I wrapped both my hands in Gavin’s shirt and held tighter, sweat beading across my forehead. The room spun, and I just needed to get a fucking breath of air.

  “Ethan, stop,” Krista begged, her voice shaking. “What is wrong with you?”

  “What do you mean, what’s wrong with me? What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with Lonna? You guys act like this is all normal and okay, but she doesn’t know a goddamn thing about this guy. Look at her,” he spat. “She looks like she’s about to pass out, and this guy is wrapped around her like a fucking mummy. Can’t you see she’s scared?”

  “Get away from me!” I screamed, stepping away from Ethan and the smell of tequila, pulling Gavin with me. “I don’t even know you anymore. Just get away from me.” I turned to Gavin, my eyes pleading. “Take me home. Please.”

  “Go,” Krista whispered to Gavin. “I’ll deal with this. Get her out of here.”

  Outside, Gavin led me across the street and down the block. People still crowded the sidewalks, but it was less busy than it had been. We moved to the corner of a building, and he turned me so I could lean against the brick facing. When he seemed certain I wouldn’t fall, he took a step back and dragged both hands through his hair, pacing in front of me. I dropped my head against the brick and closed my eyes. What just happened? Did I have a panic attack?

  “Yes,” Gavin said, causing my eyes to fly open. “That’s exactly what happened.”

  I blinked, trying to figure out what he said, when I realized I must have voiced my thoughts out loud. “That’s never happened to me before.”

  Gavin faced me, his brows drawn together and his lips turned down. “Are you okay?”

  I swallowed. “I think so.”

  “I’m sorry that happened.”

  “I don’t even know what that was. Everything just got to be too much. The smells, the music, the people crowding around me…”

  “I’m going to get us a ride to your place. We’ll figure out the rest then, okay?” He stepped closer and brushed his thumb across my cheek, his touch tender. “You scared me.”

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, my eyes falling to the ground.

  “Don’t be sorry. Not ever.” I felt the warmth of his breath atop my head as he pressed his lips to my hair before pulling out his phone and walking a few steps away. I tried to sort through what occurred in the restaurant, but everything was a blur. I couldn’t pinpoint what triggered my reaction, but I suppose it didn’t really matter. What mattered was that it happened at all. For the last month or so, I’d tried to fool myself into thinking I could put everything about that night behind me. But the truth was, until I really dealt with it, I was doing nothing more than pushing it to the side.

  “Are you ready?”

  I jumped at the sound of Gavin’s voice and looked up to see a car waiting by the curb. I nodded and reached for his hand, even though he hadn’t offered like usual. He was giving me space, and as grateful as I was, I needed his touch. I needed him next to me. The soft smile that curled his lips and touched his bright blue eyes caused my heart to warm and a little of the tension to release from my body. We didn’t talk on the ride to my place, and I appreciated the silence.

  When the cab stopped in front of my building, Gavin tossed a few bills at the driver before I pulled him from the car with me. I saw the confusion on his face, but I didn’t know how to explain I didn’t want him to leave. I didn’t want to be alone. Hand in hand, we rode the elevator to my floor then walked down the hall to my apartment. I unlocked the door and moved to step inside, but Gavin hesitated.

  “Are you sure you want me to come in?”

  Tears burned my eyes, and I felt so broken, so vulnerable. “Yeah. If you’re okay with that. I really don’t want to be alone.”

  “Okay.”

  I didn’t bother giving him the grand tour. That would have to wait for another time. In that moment, I just wanted to lie down and fall asleep with his warmth wrapped around me. I led him to my bedroom, and again, he hesitated.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Just lie with me.” I kicked off my shoes and climbed under the covers, inviting him to do the same. After a beat, he exhaled and removed his shoes as well, shifting his weight as he made his way to the bed. “You can stay on top of the covers if you want. I’d just really like you hold me.”

  “Oh, Lonna. I’ll hold you anytime you want.” He climbed into bed next to me and wrapped me in his arms. He felt strong and safe. I snuggled against him, my head across his chest and my arm draped over his stomach. For the first time since my episode at the restaurant, I felt at peace.

  “I’m so glad I met you,” I whispered, moving impossibly closer. I wanted to wrap us in a bubble and drown in the feelings he evoked in me.

  He pressed his lips to my forehead and let out a heavy exhale. “You’ve changed everything,” he murmured just as sleep pulled me under.

  I looked around the room, my palms sweaty. I’d checked my watch nearly a dozen times in as many minutes. When I’d woken that morning, Gavin was gone. There was nothing but a note telling me he’d see me at group. Ethan hadn’t come home, which I had to admit was a relief. Krista had apologized over and over again, but none of what happened was her fault. I wasn’t sure why I was so nervous about seeing Gavin, but something about his not being there when I woke caused a block of concrete to settle in my stomach.

  “What’s with you?” Bat asked, falling into the empty seat next to me.

  “Nothing. I’m fine,” I said, glancing toward the door. Bat followed my gaze, her eyes narrowing.

  “Everything okay with Gavin?”

  “Yeah, of course. I just haven’t talked to him today.”

  A rare smile graced her lips. “And that’s unusual?”

  I let out an embarrassed laugh and clasped my hands in my lap. “I’m being ridiculous.”

  “Not ridiculous,” Bat corrected. “Cautiously optimistic. There’s nothing wrong with looking forward to something. It means you’re healing.”

  My smile slipped when the memory of the night before flashed through my mind. “I’m not doing as well as you might think.” I chewed my bottom lip, debating if I wanted to tell Bat about my panic attack. I thought about the night at her place, how she’d been so open. I at least owed her the same courtesy. It might even help. I pulled in a deep breath and exhaled. “I had a panic attack in the middle of a restaurant last night. The smells, the music, the people, it was just too much. I freaked out. I’m worried I scared him off.”

  Bat let out a small laugh. “Don’t you know we’re all fucked up? A panic attack is c
hild’s play in this group.” Her eyes fell to her still-bandaged wrist, and I winced internally. Once again, I was overcome with the feeling that I didn’t belong, like I didn’t deserve to be a part of the group. “Besides,” she continued, unaware of the flush in my cheeks. “I don’t think you need to worry about that.”

  I looked up, my eyes landing on Gavin standing in the doorway, a soft smile on his lips. And just like that, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders with just the muscles used to make his smile.

  “I have some free time this week if you want to hang out. It’s, uh, cool if you don’t. I’m sure you’re busy. I just thought I’d let you know. No pressure. It’s whatever.”

  I looked at Bat and smiled. I truly wanted to spend time with her, but I also couldn’t deny wanting to spend as much time away from the apartment as possible. I couldn’t stand the thought of being around Ethan after the way he’d acted. I’d considered asking my parents if I could crash at home for a while, but I didn’t want to answer the questions that would surely follow. Besides, it was my apartment with Krista long before Ethan moved in to take his sister’s place. “That sounds great. How about tomorrow night?”

  Bat blinked, clearly surprised by my answer. “Sure. Want me to text you a time and address?”

  I unlocked my phone and passed it to her. “Put in your number and text yourself so I have it. I get off work at five, so any time after that is fine.” Bat punched in her number, and a moment later, her phone beeped. She looked up, and if I wasn’t mistaken, she looked grateful. She didn’t need to feel that way. I wanted to hang out with her. I wanted to be around someone who understood what it was like without words.

  “I’ll text you tomorrow,” she said, standing. “Hey, Gavin.”

  “Hey, Bat. How are you?”

  “Better today than yesterday, and with any luck, I’ll be better tomorrow than I am today,” she answered before moving toward her usual seat.