“Like a whale,” I reply honestly. My ankles ache, I’m exhausted even though I slept a full eight hours, and I’m sick to my stomach. Week thirty-seven of this pregnancy is a real bitch. I want it to stop.
“And outside the pregnancy aches and pains?”
“Anxious.”
From the corner of my eye, I can see her putting the notepad down and getting comfortable.
“Why’s that?”
“I haven’t heard from Charlie in a month. You know, JJ always tells us that no news is good news. But in this case, his silence puts me on edge.”
“Maybe he was caught.”
“Nate would’ve known by now if that were the case.”
“Maybe he gave up.”
“He’s too far into this to give up. He escaped the FBI and is a fugitive. There’s no way he gave up. His reputation is on the line.” And probably worse off than it was.
“What are you doing to cope?”
“I’ve been grooming horses, I guess. Derek is working with four of the rescue horses who need a little more love than the others do. So while he works on them, I distract them.”
Dr. Nelson smiles.
“Giving them better lives makes you happy?”
“It makes me feel useful,” I reply cautiously.
“You’re doing a lot, Aria. Don’t forget about that. You’re building up the shelter for women like us. You’re helping out at your farm…”
Yeah, I’m doing all that, but it doesn’t change the fact I’m constantly looking over my shoulder.
“What’s going on with Derek? Now that your second trimester is over, have you moved back into Annie’s house?”
I inwardly cringe, because I know how this will look. Little Aria McKenzie can’t not be in a relationship. She has to hitch her wagon to the first available mate in a ten step radius.
“No.”
Dr. Nelson hums and writes in her legal pad.
“Talk to me about that.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I say exasperatedly. “I like him. He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel…beautiful.” I choke on that last word.
“What’s wrong with that?”
“It’s too soon. He has his own daughter to worry about. I’m not even done processing what’s happened to me. This is…wrong.”
“But he makes you feel safe?”
I nod slowly.
It’s different.
My dad and brother make me feel safe by existing.
Derek makes me feel safe because of what he’s already done for me. He doesn’t judge me for being prickly and mean. He accepts my cynicism and holds me tight at night even when my subconscious fights him.
“I don’t know how to explain it. Before we were doing…you know…I felt this hollowness in my chest. I was perfectly fine with being alone for the rest of my life. I felt like I was living on borrowed time, Charlie would find me and end my life.” I still do. “But being with Derek for the last few weeks, I feel like I can rest.”
My eyes fill with tears. I’m angry I let him worm his way into my heart when that’s what I was trying to avoid all this time. But now, I can’t imagine going back to my scared self. I can’t imagine not sharing a bed with him.
“Do you love him?”
“No.” It comes out of my mouth so quickly I regret even forming my lips around the word. “I mean, I care about him. Very much.”
“Do you want this relationship to continue?”
“I do. But I feel guilty for unloading my bullshit on him.”
“That’s how a relationship works, Aria. When you’re with someone, you’re sharing your life. Not just the good times. The bad times too. And whether you like it or not, it sounds like to me he wants you in his life.
“There’s this woman I found on Facebook. She had gone through a rough divorce and was raising her two children. When she met her now husband, she kept saying to herself, he loves me even though I have kids. He loves me even though my life is a fucking wreck. He loves me even though I’m barely making ends meet. Do you see where I’m going with this?”
“That there are good men out there who will love me even though I’m carrying a murderer’s baby and keeping it?”
She heaves an exasperated sigh.
“No. What I’m saying to you is the ‘even though’ has a negative connotation. You’re so much more than ‘even though,’ Aria. He likes you because you’re beautiful. He likes you because sometimes your cynicism can be passed off as a joke. He likes you because you make him happy. Period. End of story.”
“But there are negatives in life,” I counter. “Case in point, I had an inappropriate affair with my boss who then became my boyfriend. Classy. And if that wasn’t enough, I ignored every single red flag and moved in with him so he could beat me within an inch of my life every single day.”
“You’re right. There are negatives in life. However, people tend to navigate towards the positive. We want to feel good. We want the positivity. And you, my dear, I know you want to feel better. I know you want to be happy. Is Derek Hawthorn the one who will help you find that happiness? I don’t know. You’re the only person who knows that.”
Yeah, maybe. It doesn’t help his gorgeous daughter is forever on the forefront of my mind. I want to make her happy too. I’d never forgive myself for pulling her into the middle of all this.
“What are you thinking about so hard over there?”
“What if it doesn’t work out?”
“Then you move on.”
My stomach churns at the thought.
“And if it does?”
“Then you can live your life and have the added bonus of having someone you truly care about on your side.”
Nate and I drive to the clinic. Derek has a full waiting room, but I have a perfect opening with Jackie to hang out with her while I process the last hour. She’s quiet at first, typing furiously on her computer, occasionally calling up dog parents and asking for money. But when she’s done, she brews me my one and only cup of coffee for the day and grins.
“You seem chipper today,” I tell her, wishing some of her cheer could rub off on me.
“I am. Derek is hiring another vet.”
I raise my eyebrows in surprise.
“Really?”
“Mmmhm. It seems like your rescue barn is eating a lot of his workload, so we’re hiring on someone to focus on dogs and cats and other small animals.”
So he can spend more time babysitting me.
“Oh, that’s great.” It doesn’t even sound enthusiastic coming from my mouth, and of course, she catches on to that.
“Babe, why the long face?”
“No, it’s nothing. I’m coming out of a therapy session and I’m still stewing.”
That’s not a lie. It’s not the full truth, either.
She reaches over and squeezes my hand.
“It’s gonna be okay. Plus, I have something for you that might cheer you up. Mind the desk. I’ll be right back.”
As soon as she ducks behind the back door, the whispers start.
“Livin’ in sin!”
“How inappropriate!”
“It’s about time one of those girls got knocked up—”
“Ace, hey.” Derek closes the distance between us and plants a kiss on my lips.
“Hey,” I greet with a wicked grin now everyone is watching me and totally shocked Dr. Hawthorn has finally fallen for a woman. A McKenzie at that!
“What are you doing here?”
I wanted to be close to you because being home makes me antsy.
“I came to hang out with Jackie for a little bit.”
“Oh, okay. Would you like to stick around and get lunch with me?”
“Sure.” I don’t mean it. I want to get out of these pants and into something shorter, something where my legs can breathe.
“Okay.” He grins and turns to the waiting room. “All right, is Chuck
ready?” Betty Snyder and her dumb dog
“Chuck” jump out of their seat and powerwalk the distance between them, disappearing behind the door.
“Got her hooks deep in him—”
“Actually, he made the first move.”
Sort of.
The whole room falls in a dead silence as they all stare in horror at me.
“I’m not sure if you know this, but you ladies aren’t whispering.” I turn back around in my seat, grinning ear-to-ear. I embarrassed most of the rumor mill in one fair swoop.
Jackie returns with a gift bag with yellow tissue paper hanging out of it.
“I know you said you weren’t having a baby shower, but I wanted to get you a little something. Maybe when the guys move out you can start making one of those guest rooms into a nursery…”
I gingerly peel the tissue paper away and reach inside the bag, pulling out a small frame. My eyes water when I pull it out. It’s of all of us. Chris, Annie, JJ, Jackie, and me—all at the lake house my parents used to rent when we were kids. Chris is showing off his “muscles,” JJ has his arm around Annie, giving her bunny ears, Annie’s arm is around me, and mine is around Jackie. We all beam at the camera with wet hair and tanned skin.
“It’s so the baby can see everyone who loves them.”
My heart squeezes, staring into JJ’s icy blues. I haven’t seen him in years, and now when I miss him as much as I do and can’t talk about what’s going on with him and my sister, I’m emotional.
“This is so great,” I say softly, my voice cracking with emotion. “I love it so much. Thank you.”
I stand up and wrap my arms around her. Jackie O’Brien is my best friend in the whole entire world. She’s the only person who can make me cry.
Though, these days, that isn’t so hard anymore.
“So…?”
I glance up at her, wanting her to expand.
“You and Derek!” She hisses.
I roll my eyes.
“It’s not serious.”
She gives me a knowing look and rolls her eyes.
“Who are you trying to convince, Peanut? Don’t forget, I’ve known you my whole life.”
And vice versa.
“I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. He’ll eventually learn I’m not worth it.”
“That’s enough of that,” Jackie snaps. “You’re worth it, babe. He sees that. Don’t think I wasn’t watching him jump you when I left.”
Oh god.
“And anyway, I’ve never seen Derek go steady with anyone. Ever. So if he’s doing a full blown relationship with you, it seems pretty serious.”
Panic surges through me.
Why would she say that? And why is this scaring me? We just had a giant family dinner together and a three person date!
“Um, do you think I can use the staff bathroom?”
She eyes me curiously but obliges. I disappear through the back door, but I don’t go to the bathroom. Instead, I find his office and crash into his office chair. I’m breaking so many laws by being in here, but I doubt it will be Derek who rats me out.
Hercules, the horse Derek’s been working with, has a thick file that sits on top of Derek’s neat desk. I flip the cover open and find his intake pictures. He was so skinny. You could count every rib. His eyes were so sunken in and his coat was so dingy.
The preliminary report states they had to sedate him so he’d stop freaking out to get into the trailer. When they got him into the barn, he stood in the corner of his stall with his face hidden so he couldn’t see anyone.
The gashes on his body were deep but were treated with ointment and monitored every day until they were gone. I flip the page and find his coggins, his horse birth certificate, essentially. He was bred for a little girl with the intention of barrel racing. But then one day, he was put in a stall and beaten within an inch of his life. I wonder what for…
“Breaking laws, Ace. Be careful. I happen to know a guy in the FBI.”
He grins from the doorway. I quickly slam the folder closed and smile weakly.
“Sorry. I saw it was for Herc, otherwise I wouldn’t have looked.”
“What are you doing in here?” He crosses into the room and sits at the corner of his desk.
“There were so many voices out there. I felt…weird.”
He cocks his head.
“Therapy went well, then?”
“Derek? Can I ask you a weird question?” He nods cautiously, waiting for me to ask it. “What about me made you throw caution to the wind?”
My question takes him by surprise. So much so that he gets up and closes the door.
“Fuck if I know, Aria.” He sinks into the seat across from me and frowns. “You’re beautiful—”
“But that can’t be the only reason. Jackie’s beautiful. Annie’s beautiful.”
“Do you believe in soulmates?”
No. Because God wouldn’t tie somebody to my kind of crazy.
“No.”
He smirks. “I don’t know if I do either. Yeah, Jackie and Annie are beautiful—and that wasn’t my only reason, Ace. You didn’t let me finish. When I look at you, when I hold you close to me, you make me feel…whole.”
Fuck.
“You can’t mean that. You barely know me.”
“I do mean it.” He stands up and offers his hand. I reluctantly take it in mine and allow him to help me up. He pulls me close to him, though I have to play Tetris with my belly. He smells like wet dog and cologne. But it’s comforting. In fact, it’s the first time my heart rate has lessened all day. “I know you well enough to know when we’re around each other, the world seems to fall into place.”
Again, fuck.
His words are so pretty, so soothing.
His calloused hands find my face and cradles it so I’m looking at him.
“You feel it too, don’t you?”
I want to sew my lips shut.
Hope can be a good thing, or it can be a bad thing.
With the threat of Charlie looming over me with no strong leads on him ever being caught, having any hope is bad. Because if my future gets stolen from me, I’ll grieve the life I never got to live.
“You don’t have to say anything, Ace. I can see it in your eyes.”
Damn it!
He kisses me deeply.
“I need to get back to work, but I wanted to come in here. Grope you a bit. Kiss you…that sort of thing.”
I snicker and move in for one last hug before I face Jackie again. He kisses the crown of my head and gives me a heart stopping smile on the way out.
The waiting room has emptied out a bit, and before me is some guy in a lab coat I’ve never seen before, talking to Jackie. They wrap up their conversation and he sits in one of the waiting room chairs. He’s cute.
“Doing okay?” She asks.
“I’m fine.” I slink down into my chair, aware my cheeks are blazing because every time I close my eyes, Derek’s lips are on mine.
“That’s Dr. White. He’s going in to meet Derek. If things go well, he’ll start here next week.” I quickly glance to my best friend and smirk.
“Do you have a crush?”
She rolls her eyes and puts her freezing hand over my mouth.
“You shut your dirty mouth, McKenzie,” she hisses. Giggling, I glance out the front door to make sure Nate is still around. He meets my gaze through the windshield and motions for me to come over to him.
Excusing myself, I race outside and slide into the front seat.
“I have a lead. Do you think you can stay with Hawthorn today?”
I nod, though I want to ask him more. But…I also don’t. I want one day where Charlie isn’t the one to ruin my mood.
41
ARIA
One week later…
38 weeks pregnant…
Annie is off to London for the week, so her house is empty. I clean out her fridge and take out all the ingredients I need to start preparing freezer meals for when the baby comes—hopefully, within the next few days. Annie is one
of the sloppiest people I’ve ever met. Always living her life in the fast lane expecting everyone else to clean up her mess.
I don’t mind. She has important work and I need something to do with my hands.
“So you’re dating him now?” JJ’s voice echoes through the kitchen from the speaker on my phone.
“Dating sounds so juvenile,” I reply, taking out the produce and dumping it into the sink to get some soup going. “But, yes, we are together.”
“He’s dangerous.”
I giggle and roll my eyes.
“I asked you if he was somebody I could be friends with, and you said he was the best person to be friends with. Don’t go back on your word because you’re feeling territorial. And while we’re on the subject of dating people we shouldn’t, when the hell were you going to tell me you and my sister are a thing?”
His end of the call goes silent, but I hear his heavy breaths.
“We’re not talking about that.”
“Yes we are. If my love life is on the table, so is yours. Spill.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Why am I getting the skinny from you and not Annie?”
“Because we agreed we didn’t want to be on your dad’s shit list. We’ve been together for two years—”
“Two years?” I hiss. “That’s a long time to keep a secret, JJ!”
“We wanted time to get used to…us.”
I laugh and start peeling the carrots. “When do you plan on breaking the secret?”
“We’re talking about it.” And that’s all he has to say about that. “But getting back to you and Dr. I-Think-I’m-So-Pretty.”
I roll my eyes.
“Is he nice to you?”
Don’t worry. I won’t be making that mistake again.
“Yes. Very.”
“Ew!” he exclaims. “I don’t want to hear about what you do in between the sheets!”
“I didn’t even say anything about that! And if you’re going to jump to conclusions, I’m ending the call.”
He exasperatedly sighs.
“Fine. But you’d let us know if he wasn’t good?”
Laughing, I nod, though he can’t see me. “Yes. I’d tell you, but I don’t think we have anything to worry about on that front. But…it sounds like he wants to raise the baby with me.” My voice hitches with emotion.
Make Me Dream (The Sage Creek Series Book 1) Page 31