Arrogant Playboy

by Wolf, Alex

  There’s a light knock on the door.

  Dexter cracks it open and mumbles, “Fuck.”

  What the hell?

  The door opens and our father walks in.

  I’m about to lose it now. What the hell is he doing here? The last thing I need is a lecture from him. Not now. I don’t need his hard gaze and his tough love. My face heats to an alarming degree and my palms start to twitch.

  I wheel around on Decker. “What the fuck is this?” I say through my teeth.

  Just get out of the room. Just cool it and don’t make a scene and get the hell out of here before permanent damage is done.

  Decker holds up both hands. “We’re just trying to help.”

  I can’t take it anymore. It all boils up and I can’t stop it. Thirty years of suppressing everything because I was taught to never show weakness, to suppress any type of emotion or feelings. Thirty fucking years of always being last, being unnoticed, an afterthought. Thirty years of trying to prove myself worthy of this family every goddamn day of my life just to be recognized, and now they all want to lecture me on behavior and how to treat someone. Fuck that and fuck them.

  “I don’t need your goddamn help, Decker!” I turn back to the others and I’m shaking I’m so damn mad.

  Dad’s doing his hard-stare bullshit right at me and I can’t take it. “All I wanted was a fraction of what you gave them! And you gave me nothing!” My chest heaves and I don’t know if I can fucking breathe right now. It doesn’t feel like any oxygen is getting to my lungs. All I can see going through my mind are highlights of my childhood, being picked on, bullied by my brothers, me being tossed aside while my dad followed Decker to his baseball stuff, taught Dexter how to ride a bike, throwing a football with Deacon. I have none of those memories. Not one with just me and him. And all I can see is Paisley, the only person I ever really loved, and she betrayed me. I hurt her first, the biggest mistake of my life, but I thought she’d forgiven me, that it was real, and it wasn’t. She was just setting me up the whole time, probably laughing behind my back on phone calls with Bennett Cooper. My entire life is humiliating.

  I look down, sniff, and wipe a few tears from my eyes. “I liked to sing. I was in the choir.” It’s all I can say. I don’t even really know where it comes from, the words just come out.

  “What?” says Decker.

  I turn to him. “It’s what I loved when I was a kid. I loved music, and I liked to sing. And I joined the choir at school, in the fifth grade. You were in high school, and they were both in seventh grade.”

  Decker holds both his hands up. “Okay, I don’t—”

  “You laughed at me and called me a pussy. Said only girls sing in the choir.” I turn to the twins.

  They look like they have no idea what I’m talking about.

  “You both laughed too. Thought it was hilarious. You pointed at me and you laughed.” I turn to Dad.

  He’s still staring at me, hasn’t said a word. His face is unreadable, he’s just standing there with his jaw set.

  “And you. You just shook your head and grinned at them, even with the shit they were saying to me, then went back to what you were doing. It crushed me. I ran off to my room and cried, not where anyone could hear, of course, because Collins men don’t cry. I had to hide in my fucking house, ten years old, bawling, because I’d finally found something I was good at, that I loved to do, and I had to hide so I wouldn’t get called a pussy and laughed at by my older brothers or my dad. The people I looked up to more than anyone.”

  “Donavan,” says Decker. He moves to walk around his desk.

  “Fucking don’t. Just don’t, okay? I’ve spent my entire life trying to fit in, to do what’s right for this family, to be a part of it. I went to an Ivy League school. I tried to do everything better, just to get noticed. I have the number one criminal law department in the country. Still not good enough. You sold our fucking name off the wall, and nobody says shit to you about it.” I turn to my dad and point a finger right at him. “So all this talk about family, family, family that you drilled into our heads nonstop, was a bunch of bullshit. It’s nothing but lip service and empty words.”

  “Donnie…” Deacon and Dexter both start toward me, but Dad holds his hand up.

  He still hasn’t said a word. He walks toward me, hard eyes, narrowed in on mine.

  My hands ball up into fists at my sides. Fuck it. I just said everything I’ve wanted to scream at them for twenty years. He gets closer and I back up a couple steps, then sit down in a chair. I’m afraid of what he’s going to say, what he’s going to do. Even at thirty he can still strike fear in me. He’s never hit me before, but he looks like he might and as bad as I want to stand up to him, fight him, whatever, I can’t.

  I drop my face in my hands. “You’re going to protect them, take their side. It was always that way and nothing has changed.” Everything finally hits me, everything I just said, in front of my brothers, in front of my dad. It feels like I might hyperventilate. Like there is no air in the room, all of it was just sucked out and I’m in a vacuum, alone. The same way I always end up.

  He walks over and stops in front of me, and he bends down.

  I finally look up, expecting him to be glaring, but his eyes look like he’s in pain. They’re soft, pleading even.

  “I’m, I’m sorry you feel that way, son.”

  My chest is still heaving, but I don’t even know what to do right now. My eyes just go wide.

  I glance over, and my brothers all have the same shocked expressions on their faces, like they were waiting for him to take a swing at me.

  I look back at Dad, and I can barely form words. “What?” The word comes out as a gasp.

  His hand tightens on my shoulder. “I fucked up and I’m sorry. I’ve known it for years.” He takes a deep breath. “I was just too big of a coward to do anything about it.”

  Tears roll down my cheeks and I still can’t speak.

  My brothers all look like their eyes might pop out of their heads. Our dad has never apologized for anything, not where we’ve heard anyway. He’s always so quiet and stoic, no nonsense.

  “When you fuck up, you apologize for it. I tried to do the best I could with you boys, but I…” His voice cracks a little. “You were the youngest and you got the short end of the stick when it came to my time and attention. It has eaten at me for years.”

  “It has?”

  He nods. “I’m sorry I didn’t make more time for you. It was… Things were tough financially, and I took the extra job, right when you were going from a boy to a man, and I should’ve been there for you more and I wasn’t. You know what, just no.” He stares around at my brothers then back at me. “I’m a hypocrite for not taking my own advice. Sometimes parents fuck up and I was too stubborn, too goddamn proud to put my ego aside, and for that I can’t apologize enough, Donnie.” His eyes soften again, and he leans down closer. “I could sit here and make excuses…working two jobs didn’t have the time, blah blah, no. I had time. I was good at sports, I was good at coaching, I related to your brothers better. I was good at being what they needed, and you were different, and I didn’t have any idea how to deal with that. It’s no excuse though.” He puts a palm on my cheek, and more tears roll down his face. He drops to his knees in front of me and chokes on his words. “I should’ve tried harder. You’re my baby boy, and I failed you.” He pulls me in close, so hard he almost crushes me to his chest, and his body trembles against me.

  This is all I ever wanted from him, to know that I mattered too. That he gave a shit.

  “I resorted to what I knew best, because it was easiest for me, and I’m so goddamn sorry. I know it’s too late, but I want to do better from now on. I want to try. I love you.”

  I hug him back, even harder. “I love you too. I promise.”

  I pull my head back and wipe the tears from my eyes. Dad does the same. My brothers stare like what the fuck just happened here?

  I look right at Dad. “That’s all I
ever wanted. To just know I existed, mattered. Like maybe I made you proud too.”

  We stand up and he pulls me into another hug, this time gives me a couple pats on the back. “You do, son. You always have.”

  I finally pull back and say, “Thank you.”

  “Don’t thank me, it was my job to tell you that and I didn’t. That’s on me and something I have to live with the rest of my life. Can you forgive me?”

  I nod. “Of course, I can. You’re my dad.”

  He puts a hand on my shoulder and looks right in my eyes. “Thank you. I won’t let you down again. I promise.”

  Then just like that, he returns to his usual self, standing there with his hard glare. I know what he wants me to do.

  I turn, slowly, to face Decker. “I really am sorry, for blowing up like that at the wedding. I was so angry and hurt, I just… No excuses, I’m sorry.” I turn to Deacon and Dexter and shrug, pleading. “I’m tired of holding grudges, burying all this shit inside. I just… I can’t do it anymore.”

  They both nod then Deacon looks at Dexter and says, “Well, that’s not how I saw this shit playing out.”

  I snicker and look at Dad. It’s like my life just turned a one eighty, like everything just changed. I don’t know what I thought about how he felt. I never imagined he was holding onto all that, and I can’t believe it just spilled out of him.

  Dad nods to the chair behind me, then to the other ones. All of us brothers have a seat, but Dad remains standing, pacing back and forth like he’s thinking through a problem.

  He finally grabs another chair, pulls it up, then sits down, and it’s so surreal. Usually it seems like he’s above us, on a different level, preaching down at us, but this time it’s like he’s actually here and not riding on the clouds like Zeus or a superhero.

  Finally, he breaks the silence. “Look, I know I’ve always preached not to show weakness. All this shit about us being men.” He shakes his head and sighs. “I have to tell you boys, the older you get, the more you think and the less you talk. You sit there, replaying your life over and over in your head, and you realize what an idiot you’ve been.”

  This all seems so unreal because it’s like our family dogma is crashing and burning to the ground around us. Our whole identities. What makes us a Collins. It’s like he’s blowtorching it all to ashes, and there’s something cathartic about it, and at the same time it’s like my soul is being ripped from my body.

  We all walked around worshipping this man twenty-four seven and now he’s like, it’s all bullshit.

  He grimaces and points to his gut. “The more I’ve hung onto things, just tucked them all away, nice and compartmentalized—feelings. It’s not good. It’s not healthy to hold onto hate, regret, guilt.” He holds up a hand. “I’m not saying to go out and start crying in front of the world like some pussy. That’s not what I’m getting at here. You’re still men.” He turns to each of us and sighs. “It’s okay, though, to be vulnerable to the woman you love. It’s okay to be vulnerable to your family, tell them what needs to be said, emotionally. That’s a blood bond that nobody can break. It’s what makes us, us. You’re still to provide. To step up and be the men you’re supposed to be. When the tough situations come, and they never stop coming, you’re the general, you know when to spring into action, and you better well be prepared to fight to the death to protect your family, and you take no fucking prisoners if anyone tries to harm them.” He sighs again and looks right at me. “Tate called me after she went to see Paisley and filled me in.”

  Decker’s eyebrows shoot up. “She did?”

  “Wait, what? Tate went to talk to her?” My face heats up again.

  Dad holds a hand up to both of us and gives us the death stare that can still rattle your bones. We both go quiet in an instant.

  He turns to me. “Paisley did it for her family, not because of some vendetta between you two. I don’t know your history because you never brought her around, even though Tate makes it sound like you were very serious in college. Tate explained other things to me too.”

  I sit there, shaking my head as he explains everything and all the details. My blood heats up, but I know I need to calm down and breathe. Some of it makes sense, and I want to believe him, I just… She completely betrayed me. She lied to me the entire time. I don’t know what was real and what wasn’t.

  Finally, I shake my head again. “Why didn’t she just tell me all of that?”

  “Would you have listened?” Decker leans in with his elbows on his knees and stares at me. “Be honest with yourself. Would you have even come close to forgiving her if she’d told you?”

  I look up at the ceiling and sigh. “No. I would’ve exploded no matter what.”

  He goes to say something, and I keep going.

  “I deserved to know, though. I would’ve flipped out and caused a scene anywhere, but then I would’ve thought about it and calmed down some. Now, what the hell am I supposed to do?”

  Everyone stares at me like I’m crazy.

  “You don’t know what we’ve been through, what I’ve done to her. I would’ve calmed down and went back. I would never hate her for taking care of her family. I would never hate her, period.”

  “So why haven’t you done that? Calmed down and gone back?” says Dexter.

  I give him a side eye. “Because I just found out.”

  “Because you didn’t go after her. Give her a chance to explain,” says Deacon. “Maybe it’d all be worked out already.”

  “Oh, okay, Saint Deacon and his disciples.” I stop myself, before my blood pressure shoots through the roof again and take a deep breath. “Sorry, I just…”

  Dad clears his throat and we all fall silent. He looks right at me and holds up a finger. “There’s only one question that matters right now. The one thing that should determine your course of action.”

  I glance up at him. “What’s that?”

  “Do you love her?”

  I can’t even speak. I just nod lightly at him.

  “You know what to do then.”

  I shake my head. “It’s not that simple, Dad. There’s no way she’ll take me back after all that. After everything. Just, there’s no way. The things I did, stuff I said… Just no.”

  Dexter stands up, cocks his head to each side, then makes a show of cracking his knuckles. He stares down at me. “You underestimate my skillset, brother. You just tell me what she loves, and I’ll have you back together by tomorrow.”

  We all stand up. I have absolutely zero confidence in whatever he’s thinking but fuck it. I have to try because these feelings aren’t going away. They’re just not. They didn’t after I left her the first time, and they’re not going to now.

  At the last second, he turns back and pokes a finger in my chest, grinning his ass off. “Wait, you said you can sing, right?”

  “Yeah. Pretty fucking good too, actually.”

  “Perfect,” says Dexter, nodding, like he’s in his own little world. “This shit will be legendary.”

  Dad pulls me in for another hug, then leans back. His eyes are dead serious. “It’ll work, son. Trust me. Go after her, lay it all out there, and she’ll take you back. Dads know shit too, even if we fuck up sometimes.”

  I nod. “Okay.”

  Even if she doesn’t forgive me, at least I got my family back. At least I’ll have tried and won’t have that regret hanging over me.

  Paisley

  I’m at my grandparents’ retirement home with Dad, waiting for them to come back to the big living area to hang out with us. I can’t keep my hands off my stomach, and every time I think about my baby, Donavan’s face flashes in front of my eyes. At least I made it out of the house and I’m not ignoring my family.

  I feel awful about the last month, but I just had to get that all out of my system. I just needed to get some distance, some time to think about my future.

  Dad looks over like he can read my thoughts. “If he loves you, he’ll come back. Just wait and see.”r />
  I roll my eyes so hard I’m surprised they don’t fly out the back of my head. “That’s such a cliché, Dad. That shit doesn’t happen. Especially with guys like Donavan. You know him. He holds a grudge better than I do.”

  His eyes dart down to my hand on my stomach. “You should at least tell him. He deserves to know.”

  I shake my head. “No way, I can’t. I can’t see him right now.”

  He leans down and takes my hands. “Pais, that’s what got you in this situation in the first place. He deserves to know.”

  He’s right. I know he’s right and yet, I just don’t want to deal with it right now. I need to, so I nod at him. “Okay, I’ll go tomorrow.”

  His eyebrows rise.

  “I mean it. You can drive me if you want. I’ll go tell him.” I mean what I say. It’s not fair to Donavan and if I wait much longer, he might accuse me of trying to hide it from him.

  Grandma and Grandpa ride out to us on their electric wheelchairs, and there is a line of other people coming in too. Up front, there’s a small stage and it looks like they’re setting something up. I think they do games and stuff to promote social activities for all the people who live here.

  Everyone scoots in, some of them with walkers, others with wheelchairs. One thing is certain, everyone in here looks so happy, and it kills me that I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to afford to provide this for Grandma and Grandpa.

  Financially, I should go back to work for Cooper, but I just can’t.

  Some teenage kid with shaggy hair, looking like a throwback to the punk era in a Ramone’s t-shirt grabs a microphone and his voice blares through the loudspeaker.

  Great. They’re doing karaoke. Actually, this might be fun.

  Grandma and Grandpa look totally into it, holding hands in their matching wheelchairs. Dad wraps an arm around me.

  I glance back, and… what in the holy shit?

  The entire Collins family is basically standing behind me. My mouth drops open. Even their mom and dad are here, and they’re all smiling at me. My head whips back around. Dad’s next to me, and his hand tightens around mine.