Our Way

by Swan, T L

  “Hello, Eliza.” They all smile. Henry goes around and introduces me to everyone, and I shake all of their hands. They are all around Henry’s age or a little older. They are also heavy in conversation. Henry gets to the last man in the group. He’s very good-looking with dark hair. He’s tall and well built.

  “And this is Zavier,” Henry introduces.

  “Hello, Eliza.” He smiles as he shakes my hand. “Lovely to meet you.”

  “Hi.” I smile. Zavier has a really lovely feel about him. I instantly feel at ease.

  “Zavier is from San Fran, too,” Henry says.

  “Oh, you are?” I smile.

  Zavier holds his drink up. “Best city in the world.” He laughs.

  “Actually, you might know Eliza’s boyfriend,” Henry says.

  “Who’s that?” Zavier smiles.

  “Nathan Mercer.”

  Zavier’s brow furrows and his eyes come to me. “Nathan… Mercer?”

  “Yes.” I smile.

  “The heart surgeon?”

  “Yes.” I chuckle. “That’s him.”

  Everyone continues on their conversation, and Zavier raises his eyebrows, as if surprised.

  “Do you know Nathan?” I ask.

  “Um.” He pauses. “Yes, he… dated someone I know for a while.”

  “Oh.” My eyes hold his. The only people who know who Nathan has dated in the past are the people he dated.

  “How long have you been together?” Zavier asks.

  “It’s only new; just recent.” I sip my drink.

  He smiles as if relieved, and my stomach sinks.

  Nathan has dated Zavier. I can feel it in my gut. “When did your friend date him?” I ask.

  “Last year.”

  “For long?” I ask.

  “Couple of months.”

  “Oh.” I force a smile feeling suddenly weirded out. Zavier is a beautiful looking man, and although I already knew it, the concrete evidence is hard to swallow. Nathan Mercer can literally have anyone he wants. Male or female. The thought is unsettling.

  “He’s an excellent doctor.” Zavier smiles as if to change the subject.

  “He is.” He rocks on his toes awkwardly.

  I point to the bar. “I’m going to get a drink.”

  “Okay.” He smiles. “Have fun.”

  * * *

  It’s late, near 2:00 a.m., and its been a great night. I should have gone back to my room hours ago but I’ve been having too much fun. I think I’ve met everyone in the world and these margaritas have gone down way too easily. I sit at the end of the bar, watching Henry laughing out loud as he dances on the dancefloor. He’s rap dancing… at least that’s what I think he’s trying to pull off. He’s dry, crass, and yet everyone seems to adore him.

  He’s actually hilarious and nothing at all like what my first impression of him was.

  I glance over and see Zavier watching me from his place in a group of men. I offer him a small wave, and he waves back before he comes over.

  “You lonely over here?” he asks.

  “A little.”

  “Want some company?”

  “Sure.”

  He pulls up a stool and sits down beside me. “Is this your first plastics conference?”

  “Yeah.” I smile. “Are they all this wild?”

  He chuckles. “They get wilder every night. Wait till the end of the week.”

  I giggle, and we fall silent.

  “It was you, wasn’t it?” I say. His eyes meet mine. “The friend who dated Nathan. I mean, it was you.”

  He presses his lips together and nods. “So, you know?”

  “Yeah, I know.” I smile. “We’re very serious. I know everything there is to know.”

  He nods.

  “You seemed surprised that I was dating him.”

  He raises his eyebrows. “To be honest, I am.”

  “That he’s with a woman?”

  “Yeah.” He shrugs. “I just would have never thought…” His voice trails off. “You think you know someone, hey?” His eyes smile. “But I can totally see why.” He offers a playful chaser to the hit I just received.

  “Forgive me if I’m intruding, but why did you break up?” I ask.

  “Ah.” He smiles wistfully. “How long have you got? He’s a very mercurial man.”

  “I know.” I smile as I sip my margarita. I should feel uncomfortable talking to Zavier, but I don’t. Not in the least. “Very much so.”

  He stares into space. “I always felt like there was something off.” He frowns as if thinking back. “Like my gut was telling me to run.”

  My stomach drops as I watch him. That sounds familiar.

  “Why, did you catch him cheating or something, or…?”

  “No. Nothing like that.” He shrugs. “When we were together, it was magical.” Nerves flutter as I watch the beautiful man in front of me. I get a vision of him and Nathe together.

  “It was never a problem when we were together. It was when he left,” he says.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, it started out great. We met, and it was all fireworks. We went away, like, four weekends in a row.”

  “When was this?” I frown.

  He frowns as he thinks back. “Last August, I think.”

  I was in Paris with the girls for a month.

  “But then something happened, and just out of nowhere, he would never stay over anymore.”

  I swallow the lump in my throat. That’s because he was in my bed.

  “It dragged on for a few months. I would get to see him for a few hours here and there. Nothing substantial.”

  Zavier was Nathan’s booty-call.

  “Anyway, the long and the short of it was that I fell in love with him and he didn’t fall in love with me.”

  “Did you ask him why?”

  He shrugs. “Said something about how he never got over his first love.”

  My heart drops. “Ah.” I smile sadly as I desperately try to hide my emotions.

  “But then he met you.” He smiles happily. “So he obviously did in the end. Tell me everything.”

  “Well…” I pause, still rattled by his last statement. “We just moved in together.”

  “You did?” he says excitedly. “This is great.”

  He seems genuinely pleased for me, and I don’t feel threatened by him.

  “He’s a really great man.” Zavier smiles as he sips his drink.

  “He is.” I think for a moment. “So… you and him are still friends?”

  “No.” He shakes his head. “He cut all ties the moment I told him that I loved him.”

  “Oh.” I put my hand on his thigh. “I’m sorry. That’s shitty.”

  “Yeah, well, what are you going to do?” He shrugs. “Shit happens.” He smiles. “How did you two meet?”

  “We were best friends for ten years.”

  He frowns as he listens.

  “And then one day, he professed his love for me.”

  His eyes hold mine. “I see.” He thinks on that for a moment. “That makes a lot of sense now.” His brow furrows and he looks at the ground as if putting a missing piece in a puzzle.

  “Eliza!” Henry calls from across the bar. “You’re up.” He points to the bar, and I laugh.

  “Excuse me,” I say to Zavier. “I have to get my drunk and disorderly boss another drink.”

  He chuckles as his eyes linger on Henry dancing around a pole. “Oh, I feel sorry for you having to sit next to him tomorrow in the conference. He’s a mess.”

  “I know.” I stand.

  “It was nice meeting you, Eliza.” Zavier leans up and kisses me on the cheek. “I wish you and Nathan all the happiness in the world. Take care of each other.”

  “Thanks.” I smile. “It means a lot.”

  I make my way up to my room at 3:00 a.m.

  I couldn’t wait for Henry any longer. The man is a party animal. My mind is heavily on my conversation with Zavier earlier.
r />   It was the weirdest thing; I didn’t feel threatened by Zavier at all and I found him fascinating to talk to. As if I could finally put a piece of the Nathan puzzle together.

  One thing keeps playing over and over in my mind, though.

  That makes a lot of sense now.

  What did he mean by that? Is it the fact that Nathan and I were friends? Or does he think that Nathan loved me all along? Hmm, I wish I asked him what he meant at the time. It’s going to eat away at me.

  I get into my room and take my phone out of my bag.

  17 missed calls: Nathan.

  I smile and immediately dial his number.

  “Where have you been?” he snaps.

  I smile. “Drinking,” I slur. Boy I feel tipsy.

  “With who?”

  “Everybody.”

  “Where are you now?”

  I smile at his bossiness. “At home. I mean I’m in my room… alone.”

  “Ah.” I hear him relax. “I was worried about you.”

  “Don’t be.” I sit on the edge of my bed. This alcohol fog has me missing him and feeling over affectionate. “Do you know I love you?” I whisper.

  “I do. Do you know that I love you?”

  “Sometimes.” I smile as I lie back on the bed.

  “All the time.” I can tell he’s relieved that we aren’t fighting anymore. “Put me on speaker and take your makeup off.”

  I close my eyes. “Stop nagging me.”

  “Eliza.”

  “Yes.” I frown, sit up, and I drag myself into the bathroom. I put the phone on speaker and take my makeup off. I also brush my teeth while he listens on.

  “Now get into bed, babe,” he says.

  “Hmm.” I roll my eyes and follow his instructions.

  “Keep the phone in bed with you so you can call me if you need anything.”

  “Nathe…” I smile as I close my eyes.

  “Yeah, baby?”

  “I love you.”

  “Good, now go to sleep.”

  “Night, night,” I whisper into the darkness.

  “Goodnight, sweetheart.”

  * * *

  It’s Friday—the last day of the conference. It’s been great. I haven’t had to come to all the lectures, and I’ve had plenty of time to do my own thing. Henry has been the perfect companion, although a bit of a drunk. But all in all, it’s been enjoyable.

  We are at lunch, and I’m standing at the bar to order a lemonade.

  “Hi, there,” Zavier says from behind me.

  “Hi.” I smile. I’ve chatted to Zavier briefly for most of the week. He’s lovely. There’s a burning question about our conversation we had on the first day, and I know I’m never going to see him again to ask later. We order our drinks and wait.

  “Can I ask you something?” I say.

  “Sure.” He gestures to a seat at the bar, and we both sit down.

  “You said something to me the other night and it stayed with me. I wondered if I could ask you what you meant by it?”

  “I hope I didn’t offend you.” He frowns.

  “No, not at all.”

  “What did I say?”

  “I told you that Nathan and I had been friends for years, and you said that it all made sense now.”

  His tongue slides over his bottom lip as he watches me.

  “What did you mean?”

  “Oh, Eliza.” He frowns. “Pay me no attention. I was out of line for saying that.”

  “No.” I put my hand on his leg. “I’m never going to see you again, Zavier, and I won’t tell Nathan that we even met, but I would really like to know what makes sense to you. Because so much doesn’t make sense to me. It would be nice to get your perspective on this.”

  “I wouldn’t want to upset you.”

  I fake a smile. “You wouldn’t.” My eyes search his. “Please tell me what you meant.”

  “I think…” He pauses. I smile and take his hand in mine. “I think that perhaps Nathan wants children.”

  I blink. What?

  “He’s at an age where he has to…”

  “Settle with a woman,” I whisper as I finish his sentence.

  “I’m not saying that’s what he’s done, and he’s probably madly in love with you.”

  I fake a smile as I process his words. “Tell me something, Zavier.” I pause as he watches me. “If you wanted children, what would you do?”

  He inhales sharply but doesn’t answer me.

  “Please?” I prompt.

  His eyes hold mine and he squeezes my hand in his. “I would fall in love with somebody I trusted for a period of time to make that happen.”

  “Is this a common thing?” I ask. “Like, in the gay world. Is this a thing?”

  He shrugs. “It can. They fall in love with a woman for a period of time, five or ten years, have their family, and then… Well, then they return to their old life. I’m not saying that’s what has happened between you two, but he probably wouldn’t be aware of it even if it has.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s intrinsic to want to procreate. It’s primal, buried deep within our DNA. Especially for a man as dominant as Nathan. His body would be seeking out a female and he wouldn’t even know why.”

  I stare at him as I begin to hear my heartbeat in my ears.

  “Are you attracted to women?” I ask.

  “Yes,” he says softly. “And to be honest, I’ll probably love a woman one day.

  “So that you can have a family?”

  “Yes.” He nods. “Children are the greatest gift, and it is something that I will explore when the time is right. You never know, she may be my soulmate. That would be wonderful.” He smiles. “I believe that you and Nathan will work out. You’re so lovely and beautiful. I see exactly what he sees in you.”

  I smile sadly. “Thanks for being so honest. I appreciate it.”

  His eyes hold mine. “I hope I didn’t upset you.”

  “Not at all,” I lie. “You just opened my eyes.”

  20

  Eliza

  The drone of the plane hums through the cabin. I stare out of the window, miles away.

  I learned a lot today about life… about myself.

  Zavier’s words run through my mind. His body would be seeking out a female and he wouldn’t even know why.

  The thought is depressing, but if I’m being completely honest with myself, it does make a lot of sense.

  I think back to when this all began and how shocked Nathan was that he was physically attracted to me. It hit him like a ton of bricks.

  Nobody was expecting it. Least of all me.

  I mean, there’s no denying that he loves me. I know that, and physically, we are so good together… but is his body just longing for a uterus to impregnate?

  Someone it can trust to bear his fruit?

  Is that why he suddenly wanted me physically?

  I close my eyes and put my head back onto the seat as I go over the facts of what I do know.

  He never got over his first love.

  I think about that for a while and what he has told me over the years about Robert and their time together. It’s no secret that Robert has been the biggest influence in Nathan’s life. His words from our first night in Majorca come back to me.

  My biggest regret is leaving Robert.

  Ten years later, and the biggest regret in Nathan’s life is leaving Robert.

  Wow.

  Not wishing that he professed his love to me earlier. Not going to Stephanie and giving her what should have been mine. Nothing about us or me at all.

  His biggest regret was leaving Robert. His first love.

  Why didn’t that bother me at the time that he said it? Thinking back, it should have. It was so off. Am I really so blinded by Nathan’s sunshine that I just swoon on his every word, regardless of the content?

  I mean, I shouldn’t be surprised. He never really broke ties with Robert. I know they speak regularly, and when Robert comes t
o town, they always catch up.

  Do they still sleep together?

  I think about his tattoo and the three swallows. He said they were of him and me, and the life he left behind. It’s weird. Why would he get a swallow for the life he left behind if it wasn’t symbolic? I think on it as I go over every possible explanation.

  Is the third bird Robert? Is that who Nathan left behind?

  Zavier said that Nathan told him he never got over his first love.

  Hell...

  I close my eyes because, now that I think about it, Nathan really might still love him.

  And regardless of the uterus issues, and Stephanie, or the possibility that Nathan may be yearning for a man one day in the future. The worst problem of all would be him still loving Robert. That is a hill too steep to climb. We can’t get over that, no matter how hard we try.

  Fuck, this is a mess. How do I find myself so deeply in love with a man who has so many unanswered questions hanging over his head? Actually, that’s unfair. Nathan doesn’t have any unanswered questions hanging over him.

  They are all mine.

  “You okay?” Henry asks softly. “You’re very quiet?”

  “Yeah.” I smile over at him, grateful for his simplistic, sweet personality. “Just tired.”

  He puts his back against the seat. “Me, too.”

  Nathan

  I pace back and forth. It’s been the longest week of my life. I can’t tolerate being without Eliza. Having to give her distance this week has nearly killed me.

  I glance up at the arrivals screen as it flashes:

  Landed.

  She’s here.

  I wait and wait, and I wait until, finally, I see Henry walking out with Eliza behind him. She looks up and sees me. She gives me a soft smile, and my heart swells.

  Fuck. I love this woman.

  I want to run to her and take her in my arms… but I won’t. I’ll stand here and act cool, as if my entire world hasn’t nearly ended this week without her.

  Henry waves and nods, and I wave back, embarrassed by my behaviour before they left.

  Eliza comes over to me, and I take her in my arms and kiss her softly. “Here she is.”

  “Hi.” She smiles as she runs her fingers through my stubble.