You Do You

by Sarah Mirk

  Another example is if a parent might kick you out of the house or cut off funding for college if you come out to them. Then you’re under no obligation to come out. You can wait however long it takes—weeks, months, or years—for you to be in a safe, stable, independent situation. Then start that conversation if it feels right and safe to you.

  Many people feel a lot of pressure to be honest about absolutely everything. They worry that if they aren’t honest, they are lying about their lives. But waiting to feel safe, respected, and supported by someone before you share something difficult is not the same as lying. You are building trust with another person, and that can take a long time.

  Think hard before you speak up about an attraction you might feel for a coworker or roommate. You have to spend a lot of time with this person. If they tell you they don’t share your feelings, your workplace or apartment can suddenly become a tough place to be. And if you supervise the person you’re attracted to, definitely keep your feelings to yourself. The power dynamic is not equal, and approaching that person with your attraction is a form of sexual harassment.

  Avoid speaking to someone who has asked you to stay away. This happens a lot after a breakup. One person will ask to not be in contact for a while. This request needs to be respected, even if it’s tempting to pour your heart and soul into a text message at two in the morning. Ignore that urge. Instead of sending messages to someone who doesn’t want to hear from you, write down your feelings in a journal, in a word document, or in draft emails, and then delete them.

  When starting a tricky conversation, make sure you have the time and emotional energy to have the discussion. There’s never a perfect time to bring up tough topics, but be aware of the stress the topic will cause. A classic bad move is bringing up a huge issue right before a big event. For example, on the thirty-minute drive with your boyfriend to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving, you tell him you want to break up. Making a big decision during an emotionally turbulent time is another recipe for disaster. For example, deciding at three in the morning that you absolutely must text a longtime crush and confess your feelings. Better way to go? Slow down. Make sure that you have had enough food, water, and sleep to operate at full capacity and that you have enough time to talk through your feelings with the person.

  Addicted to Likes

  An important aspect of communication is how much of your brain is focused on the person you’re talking to and how much is thinking about checking Instagram.

  When was the last time you went a whole day without looking at your phone? A 2018 study from the University of Buffalo in New York found that students would much rather be deprived of food for three hours than their smartphones. But being apart from your phone for a few hours is good for your brain—and for your relationships and self-confidence.

  According to Apple, the average iPhone user checks their phone eighty times a day. That constant distraction takes away from face-to-face relationships. In her book Reclaiming Conversation, sociologist Sherry Turkle of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology says that 89 percent of Americans took out a phone during their last social interaction, and 82 percent said that it deteriorated the conversation they were in.

  Phones also distract us even when we’re not looking at them. Our brains notice a phone when it vibrates or pings, even if we don’t pick it up to look at it. One study by Florida State University researchers found that after hearing a phone vibrate or ring with an incoming text, people start thinking about what it might be and planning a theoretical response. In another study, University of California San Diego students were asked to take a test while their phones were either in front of them on their desks, stowed in their bags, or stashed in a different room. The results were clear: Students whose phones were in view had more trouble concentrating and solving problems. As the phone’s proximity increased, brainpower decreased.

  This ties into dating and relationships because it shows how hard it is to be fully present with another person when a phone is in the mix. To enjoy time with someone, whether it’s a partner or your parents, stash the phone somewhere so you won’t be hungry to check it.

  Scrolling through social media can be destructive to your self-image. Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat are marketed as positive places for friends to share their lives. The reality is that all those photos of other people looking pretty and having fun can be a toxic mirror. Research shows that teens who spend more time looking at social media are more frequently dissatisfied with their bodies. The constant life comparisons that apps invite can be demoralizing when you’re unhappy and everyone else seems to be #blessed. Do yourself a huge favor and take breaks from your phone during the day or week. Leave it at your house when you go out or at least keep it in your bag or a back pocket instead of in your hand.

  Safe Sexts

  Sending sexy messages or photos can be fun—one in seven teens say they’ve sent a sext. Sending sexy text or photos isn’t necessarily a problem if it’s done with consent. The problem comes when consent is violated. The “unwanted dick pic” is a real phenomenon. Among men under the age of thirty-four, 24 percent say they have sent a dick pic to someone without being asked. It’s not okay to flash your penis at a stranger, whether you’re on the street or on your phone. When people demand photos of you or share photos of themselves without your asking for them, that’s manipulative and exploitative behavior. It’s just as bad as demanding to see a part of your body in real life. It’s disrespectful and crosses a personal boundary.

  The Internet Never Forgets

  Once an image is online, it’s hard to remove it. Any image you share digitally—over Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, texting, or email—can wind up posted somewhere else online. People often use the threat of posting private photos as a way to exploit and humiliate others. A 2016 survey of three thousand Americans found that one in twenty-five people has either been threatened with or actually had an explicit image shared online. Young women and LGBTQ people are more likely to be threatened with having an explicit photo shared without their consent, usually by vengeful exes or jealous adult men in their lives. Play it safe. Keep your sexy photos to yourself.

  The other huge problem around sexting and consent is when people forward private photos from someone to other people. That happens all the time. One in four Americans has shared sexy photos they’ve received with friends. So remember that when you send someone a photo, it’s impossible to know where it will wind up. Even if the recipient doesn’t share it, their phone could be stolen or hacked. Some revenge porn websites profit from vengeful exes who upload photos of their former partners.

  If you decide to sext, play it safe. Sharing pornographic photos of yourself could constitute child porn if you’re under eighteen. People have been prosecuted with a felony for sexting when they or their partner is under eighteen. To be safe, never send erotic photos of yourself. Stick to sexy words instead. If you do really, really want to send a photo of your body, don’t include your face. And only send someone that sext if they’ve made it clear they actually want it. Finally, delete any sexy photos you take and make sure your partner deletes any they receive and then empty the trash.

  Questions to Think About

  I’m sixteen and I had sex once before at summer camp. Now I have a boyfriend, and he says that since I’m not a virgin anyway, I should be fine having sex with him. But it feels different with him. I don’t know. Am I being too stubborn?

  You’re not being stubborn. You’re listening to your gut. Having sex with one person doesn’t guarantee you want to have sex with someone else—even if you like that new person a lot! Sex with each person is a new decision to approach on a case-by-case basis. Whatever someone’s reasons for wanting to move slowly on sex, those reasons are valid. A supportive partner will listen to you, respect your feelings, and not guilt you into changing your mind. Because he’s putting pressure on you, your boyfriend is not being supportive of your boundaries or respecting how you feel. He needs to level
up his respect, or you can leave him behind.

  I’m a sophomore guy, and I’m pretty sure I’m gay. I came out to my parents last year and they were totally supportive, but my mom asked me not to tell my grandma. My grandma is a conservative Christian, and she’ll probably be upset. My mom thinks she might not help me pay for college if I tell her. But I feel as if I’m lying. Should I tell my grandma and how?

  Whether you tell your grandma is up to you, not your mom. But it’s worth listening to your mom and weighing the pros and cons. How important is it to you that your grandma knows about this part of you? How will a negative response affect you? You are not lying by not discussing your identity. Your first responsibility is always to make sure you’re doing what’s necessary to protect yourself. Will you be able to attend college without your grandma’s support? If not, how would it impact you emotionally to wait until you’re done with college to come out? A good strategy is testing the waters by bringing up LGBTQ issues. Tell your grandma about a TV show with a gay character. Point out a news article about a gay pride parade. How she responds can be a clue to how she’d respond to your own news. She might surprise you. Then again you might not be in a position to take that risk.

  Chapter Seven

  Do What Feels Good

  Sex isn’t just about body parts. It’s about feelings, emotions, and ideas. A lot of sex doesn’t happen between your legs. It happens in your head. Human bodies are designed to feel good all over. People are sensitive to varying degrees all over their bodies, not just in their genitalia. Just like every part of sexuality, what feels good is different for everyone. Stroking, kissing, licking, or carefully biting or slapping these areas can drive someone wild. And on a different person, that action might not feel stimulating or might even feel bad.

  Figuring out what feels good to you requires exploring with an open mind and listening to your body. Sex requires honest and clear communication. And keep in mind that what you like might not be what you expect.

  Sex Is Like Pizza

  Sex educator Al Vernacchio says that it’s ludicrous to describe sex as a baseball game—one where you get to first base by making out and then where you hit a home run by having intercourse. That style of thinking divides the people participating into opposing, competitive teams. If you don’t “score,” you lose. That way of thinking about sex isn’t only boring. It’s dangerous. There’s pressure to push your partner forward, ever forward, as fast as possible toward one goal.

  In place of the baseball metaphor, Vernacchio offers a new one: sex is like pizza. You wouldn’t invite someone over to your house and force them to eat pizza. You would ask if they want some first. Do they want one slice? Or a whole pie? Maybe they don’t want pizza at all. If they do, you’d talk through topping options and come to mutual decisions. Do you feel good about mushrooms? Great. Would you want some pineapple? No? Okay. That’s fine. Not everyone likes pineapple.

  Relationships work the same way. Great relationships come in all kinds of flavors.

  Writing the menu for your own relationships requires finding good relationship role models. Where do you see sexual, romantic, or asexual relationships like what you want? Who has a good balance of independence, loving support, and the ability to talk through hard times? Who seems to be great at laughing and having fun together? Who is good at ordering pizza together? What kinds of pizza do you want?

  Getting Yourself Off

  The safest form of sex doesn’t involve anyone else at all—it’s just you. Masturbation, or stimulating your genitalia for pleasure, is natural and normal. Many people masturbate from a very young age, before they even have the words to describe it. Some people masturbate by rubbing the head of their penis or their clitoris with their hand or fingers. Other people rub their genitalia on a pillow or balled-up T-shirt or with the flowing water in the shower or tub. It can also feel good to use a sex toy, like a vibrator, for stimulation.

  Masturbation Myths

  Masturbation does not

  cause blindness or acne

  make you sterile

  make you a sex addict

  make you go insane

  mean you’re unnatural or perverted

  mean you’ll never be happy with a sexual partner

  The brain is as much a part of masturbation as the body. When people masturbate, they think about erotic images or tell themselves a sexy story. These fantasies don’t always reflect what you want to do in real life. Fantasies are a safe way for your brain to explore sexuality. They don’t mean you’re perverted or broken or wanting that behavior IRL.

  Most teens get themselves off at least once a month. Many do so more than once a week or even several times a day. Masturbation has a lot of health benefits. It reduces stress, helps the body relax, and helps people fall asleep. And it’s super safe since there’s no chance of getting yourself pregnant or giving yourself an STI.

  What Is Sex, Anyway?

  Ask ten people to define sex, and you’ll probably get ten different answers. That’s because you can have sex many different ways.

  You can have sex with your hands. The clitoris is the vulva’s pleasure center. Only 25 percent of women orgasm, or reach sexual climax, through vaginal penetration alone. Most vulvas need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. A hand job is gripping a penis with your hand and rubbing it up and down.

  You can have sex with your tongue. Stimulating a clitoris with your tongue (“going down on” or “eating out”) feels great to many people. So does a blow job—sucking on a penis. Both of these are oral sex. About 70 percent of Americans have had oral sex by the time they are eighteen. You can spread STIs through oral sex, so take precautions.

  You can have sex with sex toys. A dildo is a penis-shaped toy for inserting into the vagina or anus. Vibrators come in all shapes and sizes. They are usually battery-powered and vibrate to stimulate the clitoris or prostate (through the anus). Having sex with toys is also very safe because it doesn’t carry the risk of spreading STIs. Definitely clean them with soap and water after use.

  You can have sex with a penis and anus. Inserting the penis into the anus is anal sex. People of all genders and sexual orientations have anal sex. You can get and give STIs through anal sex, so be sure to wear a condom if you have a penis.

  You can have sex with a penis and vagina. Inserting a penis into the vaginal opening is vaginal intercourse. This can result in pregnancy. You can get and give STIs from vaginal intercourse, so be sure to have protected sex.

  Every type of sex requires three things:

  Consent. Talk about what you want and what your partner wants. Get verbal affirmation that everyone feels good about what’s going on along the way.

  Knowledge about STIs and protection. Talk about any STIs you or your partner may have. Let your partner know when you were last tested and what the risks might be. Ask them when they were last tested. Err on the side of extreme caution. Use condoms if you or your partner has a penis to protect yourself from STIs, especially with new partners.

  Water-based lubrication. Do not have anal sex without lube. Without lube, it’s very likely to tear the lining of the rectum. Adding extra lube to all the other types of sex (except oral, where your saliva will do the trick) is also a good idea. Don’t use household items such as canola oil or Crisco for lube. That’s messy, and they can be full of bacteria. Instead, buy personal lubricant from a sex shop, drugstore, or online. You’ll find all types to choose from, including flavored lubes. It can be fun to choose a lube with your partner!

  Orgasm Mysteries

  When genitalia is stimulated in just the right way, for just the right amount of time, and with just the right pressure, the whole body responds. The genitalia gets wet. Penises emit pre-cum and vaginas emit clear fluid, both help lubricate the skin. The more someone is stimulated, the more their heart rate speeds up, their breath gets quicker, and their muscles tense. Finally, the tension releases in an intense moment of climax, or orgasm, and it feels great. Afterward, p
eople feel both relaxed and giddy.

  Having an orgasm is not the same thing as ejaculating, but men often ejaculate when they have an orgasm. Women can ejaculate, too, though it’s less common. So-called female ejaculation, or squirting, emits a clear fluid from the vagina during orgasm. People often mistake this fluid for pee, but it’s not.

  The brain is your body’s biggest sex organ. What’s happening in your head mostly determines whether you have an orgasm. An infinite number of factors influence whether someone will have an orgasm. The big things are that they need to feel comfortable and be sexually aroused. It’s hard to have an orgasm if you’re feeling stressed out or anxious. It’s hard to have an orgasm if you’re feeling uncomfortable about your own body, awkward with your partner, or pressured. Typically, everything needs to feel right.

  Many people, especially women, take a long time to feel comfortable enough to have an orgasm with a partner. Many people don’t have an orgasm when they’re with a new partner. They need to build up trust and comfort with the person. Even in an established sexual relationship, partners don’t always achieve orgasm each time.

  People lie all the time about orgasming. In a Cosmo survey, 67 percent of women said they had faked an orgasm at least once, mostly to make their partner feel successful. Having an orgasm is not about success or failure. Sex can feel good and be intimate without an orgasm. Not having an orgasm does not mean that you don’t love your partner or that you’re not attracted to them. It just means your body and mind are not working in unison at that particular moment. If you’re frustrated at not being able to have an orgasm, the best thing you can do is let go of orgasm as a goal. Stressing out about orgasm actually hinders your ability to have an orgasm. Instead, take a break. Ask for a massage instead. Tell stories and laugh. Take it easy and try to relax. You can try again or wait for another time. Sexual intimacy, even without an orgasm, make people feel good.