You Do You

by Sarah Mirk

  Porn May Be Sexy . . . but It’s Not Sex Ed

  Many teens watch porn to fill in the gaps of their sex education. In a 2015 survey of British high schoolers, 60 percent said they had viewed porn to find out more about sex. The numbers are very similar among teens in the United States.

  Porn is fake. It’s not realistic sex, it’s not realistic bodies, and it’s not realistic relationships. Even on amateur sites, the people creating porn are professionals who are intentionally making a fantasy show, not a realistic how-to guide. In most porn, men are often impossibly muscular and have penises as large as broomsticks. Women have flawless skin and balloon-sized breasts. In heterosexual porn, women eagerly do whatever a man wants and never say no. No one gets sleepy, stressed out, or anxious. No one talks about consent, birth control, unwanted pregnancy, abortion, or STIs. Gay porn is the same. It’s fantasy. While watching porn, it’s easy to develop very unrealistic ideas about what sex looks like.

  Yet among teens who have seen pornography, many viewers mistakenly believe porn is realistic. In an Indiana University survey, five out of six boys and three out of four girls believed that women in online porn were actually experiencing pleasure during sex scenes. The people in porn are actors. They’re paid for their time and to put on over-the-top performances. Porn actors and models go through hours of makeup and styling to get their bodies (including their genitalia) looking perfect. Every sex scene has a team behind the scenes writing scripts, arranging lights, and digitally enhancing the footage so that everyone on-screen looks and sounds like an ideal human.

  What you feel about porn and whether you decide to consume it depends on your values. Looking at porn doesn’t make you sick or an addict. But don’t hold yourself or your partners to the impossible standards of fantasy. Expect and enjoy the messy, sweaty, awkward reality.

  What to Expect Your First Time

  When, how, and with whom you have sex is entirely up to you. It comes down to your values. Think about what’s important to you, your relationships, and how you feel. Talk to an adult that you trust, a medical professional, or a spiritual leader whose opinion you trust about what might be right for you.

  States have laws specifying the legal age to have sex, ranging from sixteen to eighteen. These laws are designed to stop older people from preying on young people and talking them into having sex. If you’re a teen and an older person is asking you to have sex, they may be breaking the law.

  Rethinking Virginity

  People often think of virginity as a line in the sand. You’re on one side of the line. Then you have penetrative sex, and you’re on the other side. Virginity is more like a timeline that you walk along through life. There’s a first time for doing a lot of sexual acts, so you’re a first-timer over and over. It might be the first time you have penetrative sex with someone you love. It might be the first time you give someone oral sex or receive a blow job. Every sex act requires making a decision about whether it’s right for you and feels good.

  People talk about losing their virginity or taking someone else’s. Sex should never be about losing and taking. That’s an unhealthy power struggle. Having sex should be a mutual decision. You don’t take someone’s virginity or lose your own. You have consensual sex together.

  Here is a short checklist to help think about whether you’re prepared, ready, and even wanting to have sex. If you decide to wait, go for it. You’re in charge.

  Do you truly want to have sex? Is having sex in line with your values, or would you feel as if you were betraying any part of yourself? Does it sound fun and exciting? If you feel pressure from a person, a group of friends, or society to have sex, that’s not a good reason to start having sex. It’s okay to say no.

  Do you know about the risks of STIs? Talk to your partner about their history, and buy condoms if appropriate. If you’re too embarrassed to get condoms, that’s a sign you’re not ready to have sex.

  Have you talked about pregnancy? What will you do if you get pregnant? What will the other person do? Talk about birth control options, and if you need to, make an appointment with a doctor to talk about birth control.

  What are your feelings about abortion? Talk to a trusted adult or doctor and to your partner about what would happen if you did get pregnant and if abortion would be part of the picture.

  Do you feel comfortable being naked? Many people are self-conscious about their bodies. If you haven’t been naked with your partner or you feel awkward about it, start by hanging out with them with few or no clothes on. Build trust by looking at your body and exploring your partner’s, without the expectation of sex.

  Are you hoping sex will change your relationship? Sometimes people jump into having sex because they think it will help them keep a partner or make their partner love them more. This never works. Only have sex if you want to, not to try to change a partner.

  Do you have a support network? It’s essential to have friends or family or professionals—or some mix of all of these people—to talk to about relationships and sex. They can help you figure out what’s right for you and walk you through the mix of feelings that come up in any intimate relationship.

  Good Sex Requires Lots of . . . Talking

  The most important sign of whether you’re ready to have sex is whether you and your partner can talk about sex. Whether you’ve been dating for years or just a few days, before you get physical, talk through your feelings. What are you excited about? What do you want to try? What are you worried about? What do you definitely not want to do? Talk about STIs and pregnancy risks.

  Sex is often better the more you know each other’s bodies. So try to hang out without having sex and explore each other’s bodies. Basically any part of the body can be stimulated if you touch it in the right way. Massage can be a nice way to get to know each other’s bodies. Play around and see what feels good.

  The first time you have sex of any kind, keep your expectations low and your mind open. Penetrative sex often feels a little uncomfortable the first time, but it shouldn’t hurt terribly. If anything is hurting, tell your partner to stop. Take a break, relax, talk, grab some more lube, and try again if you feel like it.

  It is totally okay to change your mind in the middle of sex and decide you don’t want to go any further. Your partner should respect that and not pressure you to continue. If your partner asks to stop, then stop. Listening to each other is an essential part of consent. Make space for your partner to speak up, and check in with them during sex. Ways to check in to ensure consent include asking, “How does this feel?” “Do you like this?” “What would you like to do?” “What’s next?” Pay attention to your partner’s nonverbal cues too. If they seem quiet, uncomfortable, or upset, stop having sex and take a break for a while.

  Basically: Go slow. Check in. Talk a lot.

  How Can Someone Get Pregnant?

  Pregnancy happens when a sperm fertilizes an egg. This can happen in a high-tech lab through artificial insemination, or it can happen through sexual intercourse. During intercourse, if semen gets into the vagina, the sperm cells can swim up through the cervix, into the uterus, and then into the fallopian tubes. Sperm live for up to six days. If they do connect with an egg during that time, healthy sperm will fertilize it. (When sperm fertilize two eggs, that’s twins!)

  Someone with a uterus can get pregnant any time sperm goes inside their vagina. That means you can’t get pregnant from oral sex, anal sex, blow jobs, or hand jobs. But you can get pregnant any time you have penis-and-vagina sex. Here are some common myths about getting pregnant:

  Myth: You can’t get pregnant the first time you have sex.

  Reality: Yep, you can. If you’re having vaginal intercourse with a penis, it’s possible to get pregnant.

  Myth: You can’t get pregnant if a partner pulls the penis out of the vagina (withdraws) before ejaculation.

  Reality: Some ejaculate (pre-cum) seeps out of the penis even before ejaculation—and it does have sperm in it. A partner may pro
mise to withdraw but then be overwhelmed with desire and ejaculate before they actually pull out. Out of every one hundred women who rely only on withdrawal, at least twenty-two to twenty-seven of them will get pregnant within one year.

  Myth: You can’t get pregnant if you use a condom.

  Reality: If you use condoms perfectly every time you have sex, they’re 98 percent effective at preventing pregnancy. But people are often a little sloppy in putting on and taking off condoms. In real life, condoms are about 85 percent effective. So about fifteen out of one hundred women who rely on condoms as their only birth control method will get pregnant each year.

  Myth: You can’t get pregnant if you have sex during your period.

  Reality: Sperm can survive for six days inside the vagina. So they could still be there when an egg is released and you start your period.

  Myth: Washing out your vagina through douching after sex will prevent you from getting pregnant.

  Reality: Nope, that doesn’t work either. Ejaculate has millions of sperm, and they swim so quickly up the vagina that no amount of washing can get them all out. And douching can increase your risk of infections, so don’t do it.

  It usually takes a few weeks for someone to realize they’re pregnant. The signs of pregnancy are often mistaken for stress or sickness. Common symptoms of pregnancy are missing your period, having tender breasts, losing your appetite, feeling tired and nauseous, not being able to poop easily, and peeing more than usual. If you think you might be pregnant, people of any age can purchase a pregnancy test in any drugstore without a prescription and without ID. The kits provide results in a matter of minutes, and they are very reliable.

  If you’re pregnant, tell your parents or a trusted adult. Make an appointment to see a doctor. You can talk to your doctor about your options. You can see the pregnancy to term and raise the baby with your family, your partner, or by yourself. You can see the pregnancy to term and put the baby up for adoption. Or you can end the pregnancy with an abortion. Among unplanned pregnancies, 43 percent of people decide to end the pregnancy by abortion.

  Know Your Birth Control Methods!

  In the United States, half of all pregnancies are unplanned. Millions of teens and adult women every year get pregnant without meaning to. Among teens, the rates are highest: 74 percent to 95 percent of teen pregnancies are unplanned. If you don’t want to get pregnant, use birth control! Don’t rely only on withdrawal or the rhythm method (having sex on your least fertile days).

  If you are going to have vaginal intercourse, make sure you and your partner prepare. Decide on a method of birth control. If you don’t have one, figure out who will acquire it. Maybe you go to a pharmacy with your partner or by yourself to buy condoms. Maybe your partner buys them. Or maybe one of you makes an appointment at a clinic to start a regular birth control regimen.

  Finding the right birth control method can take time and some trial-and-error. If you don’t like one method, don’t worry. You have at least twenty birth-control methods to choose from. All of them have pros and cons. Here’s a rundown of the three most popular, nonpermanent contraceptive options in the United States. You can see a comprehensive list of the other options and their pros and cons at Bedsider.org.

  Hormonal contraception methods aren’t just for birth control. A lot of people use the Pill and IUDs to ease rough period symptoms, to even out their menstrual cycle, or to stop their periods altogether.

  Condoms

  Condoms are small pieces of latex that are rolled over the penis before sex. They’re relatively cheap (about one dollar each) and prevent both pregnancy and the spread of STIs. When putting on a condom, be sure to roll it all the way down to the base of the penis. Otherwise, it might slip off. You and your partner can do this together if it feels right. After sex, hold onto the base of the penis so that the condom doesn’t slip off when the penis becomes flaccid, or soft, again.

  Condoms are the most common form of contraception. Some people also use a second method of birth control because condoms do occasionally fail. Don’t use two condoms at the same time. They will rub against each other during penetration and create a hole in the latex. Anyone, regardless of age, can purchase condoms at convenience stores, gas stations, pharmacies, and online.

  The Pill

  Depending on which brand you buy, the Pill is a tiny dose of the hormone estrogen or of the two hormones estrogen and progesterone. Both change the menstrual cycle by stopping ovulation. The Pill does have downsides. One is that you have to take it every day for it to be effective—and it’s easy to forget. Many people have side effects that come and go. Women on the Pill report it suppresses sexual desire, makes them moody or depressed, causes headaches, and spotting during periods. Not everyone experiences these side effects, however. You need a prescription to get the Pill, so make an appointment with a doctor or health clinic.

  Intrauterine Devices (IUDs)

  If you want birth control that will last for years without having to think about it, the IUD could be a good choice. There are two kinds of IUDs: copper or plastic embedded with hormones. Hormonal IUDs release a low dose of progestin into the uterus, stopping ovulation. Copper IUDs create a small inflammatory reaction that is toxic to sperm and eggs, preventing pregnancy. A doctor at a clinic inserts the IUD through the vagina into the uterus. This is quick but often painful. Side effects—usually cramping and spotting—can last for weeks. The copper IUD can make periods longer and heavier. The hormonal IUDs can make periods shorter, lighter, or stop altogether. Copper IUDs provide contraception for twelve years. Hormonal IUDs prevent pregnancy for three to six years.

  Accidents happen. Emergency contraception, usually sold under the brand name Plan B One-Step, is a pill to prevent pregnancy within three days of having sex. It’s not as effective as other methods of contraception, but people often use it as their backup method if their first method of birth control fails, such as the condom breaks. Anyone can buy Plan B One-Step without a prescription at a drugstore.

  Other common birth control options include

  a hormonal shot (brand name Depo-Provera),

  a hormone-laced plastic ring that’s inserted into the vagina (brand name NuvaRing),

  a hormonal implant that’s surgically inserted in the upper arm (brand name Implanon or Nexplanon).

  Permanent forms of birth control include the tubal ligation for anatomical females. In this surgery, a doctor ties off the fallopian tubes through which eggs travel from the ovaries to the uterus. Anatomical males can choose a vasectomy. In this quick surgery, a doctor cuts, ties, or otherwise blocks the vas deferens so sperm can’t leave the testes. (Yep, you will still experience orgasm after this surgery and you will still ejaculate.) Both of these surgeries have high rates of success in preventing pregnancy.

  Abortion

  People have been performing abortions to end pregnancy for at least four thousand years. A medical text from ancient Egypt mentions gummy vaginal contraceptive substances made from honey, sodium carbonate, and crocodile dung! In the twenty-first century, you can skip the crocodile dung. This safe, legal procedure is done in a clinic or at home with doctor-prescribed pills. Almost all states have laws that regulate abortions, including requiring waiting periods, parental consent for minors (girls under the age of eighteen), and mandated counseling. For an up-to-date list of abortion laws in your state, check www.guttmacher.org. To find a clinic that provides abortions in your area, check the map at www.prochoice.org or call the National Abortion Federation hotline at 1-800-772-9100.

  Insurance coverage and the cost of abortion depends on where you are and what health-care plan you have. The National Network of Abortion Funds (https://abortionfunds.org) helps individuals cover the costs of getting an abortion if they can’t afford one.

  In the United States, doctors perform abortions in two ways: either a two-pill medication abortion or an in-clinic surgical abortion. A medication abortion is available up to week 10 of pregnancy. The patient first meets with
a doctor, who prescribes the two pills—mifepristone and misoprostol. You take one pill at the office and the other at home after the doctor’s visit. During an in-clinic abortion, the patient goes into an exam room and medical professionals insert a thin tube through the cervix into the uterus. A suction machine removes the pregnancy tissue. Both of these options cause cramping and bleeding. The physical symptoms usually end within a day.

  If you decide abortion is the best option for you, remember that you don’t have to go through it alone. Ask a partner, a trusted parent or family member, or your best friend to go with you the day of the abortion. Ask them to stay with you that night and even the next day as you recover physically. Most people handle abortions just fine. Some women and teens find it helps to talk about their feelings with a counselor. You can too.

  What Is It Like to Get an Abortion?

  People get abortions for all kinds of reasons. Some of the big reasons are the inability to afford to raise a child, knowing that having a baby would seriously interfere with work or school, because a person doesn’t want to have a child with their partner, or because the pregnancy is the result of rape.