Star Minds Chasing Stardom

by Barbara G. Tarn

  That's the moment I stopped thinking about him as Mr. Khanna and started calling him Rashaun. All those mysteries about his relationships, the pronoun games, everything made sense now. He never married because he preferred men. And so did I, except I had never fully realized it, not until I found myself pressing my hard-on against his.

  His hands sent shivers down my spine and there was no way I'd let it go. Since he hesitated, I started kissing him again and undressing him, while I explored his body. I always thought he was a very handsome man, but seeing him naked made me gasp. And when he started returning my caresses, he took my breath away.

  I found myself panting and straining to keep my arousal under control. I didn't want to disappoint him by being too fast, I wanted him to enjoy whatever time he was giving me. I lost track of time as we got to know each other's bodies. Sometimes I drowned my moans of pleasure in his mouth or bit my fist to avoid screaming in the heat of our passion.

  It was the best night of my life, my twentieth birthday gift from the most wonderful man in the universe.

  3. Running away from home

  Zafar was an enthusiastic and passionate lover. Since I wasn't much older than my students, I'd had to fend off some offers already. Only one other student had actually thrown himself at me. Aryan was two years older than Zafar, but I had managed to keep control and send him on his way.

  With Zafar, I got carried away. Even though he wasn't Zaphadin yet, he had a charm not even I could deny. And he was handsome and sweet and needy... I could have adored him for the rest of the night. But I needed to be sensible, therefore at some point I let him drift to sleep.

  It felt funny waking up by his side and I was probably the first to tell him he has bedroom eyes. When he opened them and saw me, a smile blossomed on his face and he nestled closer to me. We were still naked, but I kept control and told him for our sakes it was better if nobody ever knew what had happened last night. If anyone found out, I would have lost my job and he would have been expelled from the university.

  He joked that we could run away together, but I reminded him that we couldn't live on love and thin air – we needed food and shelter, and they didn't come for free, especially for two unmarried men. Therefore he reluctantly agreed to hide his feelings, although for me his adoration was now obvious and quite distracting, especially during lessons.

  Thank heaven the two-weeks winter break was close and he'd go home. Hopefully he'd calm down and maybe even find another lover his age. He was stubborn and not quite smart, but he didn't have the means to run away from home – or so I'd thought.

  *

  So I was in love. Totally in love. I kept thinking about him every moment of the day, I listened to his lessons with rapt attention and was very distracted during the other professors' lectures. I had to hold back my desire to move closer or touch him in the university halls when we happened to cross paths.

  As soon as I could, I would rush to his apartment at Bounghold Chase, often finding him there and not leaving until he quenched my thirst with fiery passion. I dreaded the moment I'd have to go home and wouldn't be able to see him for two full weeks.

  That winter break I was particularly grumpy. I didn't bring home good results. My mother asked me if I wanted to graduate.

  "Maybe you could become an athlete," she suggested. Like Yash had been – Vikram's cousin kept coming back to my mind. "You could win some medals before finding work in gyms or even in schools without having to study books for years."

  "I'd rather do the arts," I retorted. "I could specialize in dance and performing..."

  "No, Zafar, that's not a viable job." She was adamant. "Since you're not as smart as your sisters, you might as well settle for marriage. Your wife will take care of you and you will be able to sing and dance for her, like you said when you were little, until children arrive."

  That discussion left me deeply disturbed. After discovering how wonderful Rashaun was, I didn't want any of that. Suddenly I saw a different future, my love and I walking away in the sunset, holding hands and turning our backs on the past – our domineering mothers, our spiteful sisters, our bitchy girlfriends...

  I didn't want to change my field of study, since it would mean I'd miss Rashaun's classes. I had to find a way to finish the course. I wondered if we could move to another planet, but living off what? He was a teacher of Ypsilantian culture and I was just a student. I knew I was handsome, maybe I could model and earn some money to keep us fed and sheltered.

  Jaya tried to talk to me. She had noticed I was upset. She wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing. I told her I didn't want to get married. At the time she was ready to commit and her wedding was scheduled for the spring.

  I said I didn't have anyone I was interested in – not someone I could marry. "If I really wanted to get back in touch with my school mates, that would be with Vikram Samara, not any of the girls."

  She gasped at hearing this. "Isn't Vikram's cousin a murderer?"

  "I'd like to hear his side of the story," I replied sourly. "He must have been very upset to kill his girlfriend. I actually called Vikram, but he didn't know what had exactly happened either."

  "I've read that Yash is presumed dead," she mused. "He ran away from the galaxy into the great unknown."

  "With a Xi-kongian, apparently," I said. "Maybe he preferred his own sex."

  She nodded, thoughtful. I waited to see if she got the hint. She didn't.

  "Anyway, we were talking about you," she said. "Aren't there any interesting girls at the uni? Would you like to try another campus?"

  "No! I'm in love, but not with someone I could marry."

  "Someone here in Lycoris, then?"

  "Yes! Hence I'd prefer to be single and try to keep studying for a few more years. I don't want to change campuses, I'm fine where I am!"

  She stared at me in silence and dropped the subject. Maybe at this point she'd figured out I was in love with a man, but she didn't comment on it. She didn't tell Mother either, she just sighed and hugged me and told me, "Be careful." I was sure I could count on her if I needed help, but I didn't want to intrude upon her life. I wanted to live my own.

  When I went back to campus, my mother kept calling me home every weekend, which meant I didn't have much time to spend with Rashaun. And she kept introducing me to families and girls, obviously trying to find me a perfect match.

  At my umpteenth refusal to commit, she got mad at me.

  "You will marry the next girl I find, whether you want it or not!" she threatened.

  "I don't want to get married! What will you do, lock me in the basement until I consent? I will never consent!"

  "Zafar, stop being so childish! It's tradition, either you have a career, or you get married!"

  "Well, give me a break, will you? I'm barely in the second year! Do you want me to elope like Taleet did?"

  "You don't have a girlfriend, or you'd already have brought her here!"

  "I have someone! Don't force me to run away from home!"

  I was crying like a baby when I went back to my room at the dorm, packed my stuff and went to ring Rashaun's bell. The weekend wasn't over, but my life at the campus was. That would be the first place where my mother would look for me.

  When he opened the door, he sounded impersonal, but I soon realized he wasn't alone. He wasn't expecting me, and I saw that older student, Aryan Repett, sitting on his couch. Rashaun told me I was early, and that I should come back for my lesson as we had scheduled it – we hadn't, but I understood he said that because of Aryan – repeating the time we'd never set.

  This gave me one hour to brood in the parking lot in front of Bounghold Chase, wondering what I could do, and what Aryan had been doing there. Surely he wasn't after my Rashaun, was he? When the older student came out of the building, he saw me and scoffed. I glared back and clenched my teeth.

  I felt a pang of jealousy. When I rang Rashaun's bell again, I wasn't crying anymore, I was angry.

  "What did Aryan want fr
om you? Is he trying to get in your pants?" I demanded.

  Rashaun pushed me against the wall and put a hand on my mouth to block my endless questions.

  "Zafar, calm down, what's wrong with you?" he protested. "Weren't you supposed to be at your mother's for two days?"

  "Yes, but she threatened to force me to marry! I don't want to get married, I want to stay with you and I don't want any other damn student to get near you! Can I please please please move in with you and hide in your bedroom until my mother stops chasing me?"

  His arms dropped as he sighed. I could see he didn't know what to do. I knew I was putting him in danger – he could lose his job, his reputation, everything. I'd never accuse him of seducing me, but anyone seeing us from the outside would think the teacher had taken advantage of the student. I think I was the one who seduced him, since he'd never touched a student before me – or after.

  He guided me to sit on the couch and pulled me closer as we discussed the situation. I would have to be a recluse at first, at least until my mother calmed down. Then I could try to find a job – I told him I had considered modeling and he said it was a good idea, something that my mother wouldn't appreciate and would probably make her give up on me faster.

  Our relationship could never become official. I promised to never show my face on campus. His neighbors at Bounghold Chase shouldn't have been too bothered.

  I wanted to be with him twenty-four seven. He smiled at that point, and said maybe that was the best way to make me realize how boring he was and how quickly I'd tire of him.

  I am very happy to say that he was wrong.

  4. Dahumada

  Zafar was in love and in his youthful enthusiasm he did his best not to lean on me. He started working out and went to photographers studios, sent out pictures of himself, offered his body for modeling and stayed out of my way as much as he could – and well away from the university campus so nobody would associate him with me.

  His mother forgave him at his sister's wedding where he sang and entertained the crowd at the wedding banquet. I wasn't invited, of course, but he came back insanely happy and it took me all night to calm him. He had found his calling, but a wedding singer wasn't much of a career.

  For six months he earned more from photo shoots than from singing at weddings, but he enjoyed the latter more. He never said no when someone asked him to entertain her guests, but sometimes he turned down a shoot because he didn't feel like doing it.

  He would travel all over the planet to entertain, but wasn't that keen on moving around for a fashion show or an ad. I followed him whenever I could, and when he was away he kept me on the phone for at least an hour before falling asleep.

  And then came the man who launched his career.

  *

  My mother and I forgave each other at Jaya's wedding. I had kept in touch with my favorite sister, of course, and I couldn't miss the happiest day of her life. I surprised everyone but the bride with an impromptu show of my dancing and singing skills. Shaila grudgingly admitted that I was good, and my mother decided that being an entertainer was not so bad after all.

  She'd always considered creative professions to be empty and useless, but when she saw how I came alive on stage, she finally understood that strange son of hers. That day I admitted to her that I was living with a man. She sighed, but she wasn't counting on me to continue the family. If her baby boy was so determined, she couldn't stop him. She couldn't bear the thought of losing me like Yash's mother who still didn't know what had actually happened to her runaway son. Presumed dead was worse than knowing he was dead.

  Jaya wished me good luck, and called me every time one of her friends got married. Soon my name started spreading in the weddings circuit and I was able to skip some modeling jobs. Posing for pictures was boring compared to singing at a wedding banquet. Even short ads couldn't compare to the joy of singing my heart out for a few hours.

  It was during Rashaun's youngest cousin's wedding that I met Dahumada. I have no idea who invited him or why, but as I was gathering my stuff after the show, he approached me and asked me if I wanted to have a career in the music business. Rashaun was with me, and I looked at him, puzzled.

  I'd thought I lived on a planet ruled by women, but here was a man offering to manage my career. I asked for his credentials and he said he'd been working with a record company on Vilas Lok when he'd been invited to that wedding. He was very eager to give a chance to an Ypsilantian to rival the success of the Mumbles of Supernatural – who at the time was quickly climbing the interstellar charts and seemed to be the next big hit.

  He also thought he could find someone to dethrone the current king and queen of the music world, Andy Kelly and Amber Ivy. He'd had in mind a complete artist who could sing, dance and possibly act, like some stars of the past. Someone who could be a galactic megastar, known all over the Humanoid planets.

  I must admit that was exactly what I wanted. The love, the attention, the adoration of the masses... and living off what I liked doing the most – dancing, singing and entertaining people. I liked making my audience happy. I didn't have the means to shoot a music video, I didn't have a band, but if someone could help me achieve galactic stardom, I was ready to sign above the dotted line!

  Especially now that I had someone who backed me up. Rashaun had been my manager so far, but couldn't find me anything more than a few weddings or other parties where the host wanted someone to entertain his or her guests.

  I admitted I couldn't write songs, but Dahumada said that wasn't a problem. If androids could sing, so could a real human. He'd find someone to write the songs. He was going to create a star, not just a singer. Did I have the stamina for the hard work required, he asked? I sure did. I was twenty, what else could I wish for?

  This opportunity happened during the summer break. When fall came, Rashaun didn't go back to university. We both signed with Dahumada, I was the artist/interpreter, he was the lyricist. Because I knew Rashan wrote poems in his free time, I asked him if we could make songs out of them. Since he was being paid for it, he said, "Why not?"

  We moved to Vilas Lok with Dahumada – my first interstellar trip. Even as a second-class passenger, I enjoyed the flight through outer space. It was very romantic to stare at the stars from the window in our cabin, and I spent most of the time in bed with Rashaun, fantasizing about my future.

  We were going to live on the pleasure planet where most companies of the entertainment business had headquarters or at least a small office. I would sing on a Vilas Lok stage and record songs and live the life I had dreamed of. And Rashaun would be by my side. He'd have more time to write fiction and maybe break into the publishing industry, easier to access on Vilas Lok than on Ypsilanti.

  Then we reached Vilas Lok and Dahumada took us to his place. He lived in a dirty condo on the outskirts of the main city, and the apartment was relatively small, since he wasn't yet a big head at the record company. He hadn't discovered true talent, although I had heard of at least one of he bands he managed, the Galaxy Crawl. He thought a solo artist would be easier to handle.

  On that first night on Vilas Lok, he told me what program he had for me. I needed to train, have a real dance teacher, and start working on my look and the way I dressed while he gathered the songs for the first album he'd supervise on his own. We were on the same wavelength when it came to musical tastes, so he was the perfect producer.

  "You will become a fashionista," Rashaun commented, amused, as we went to bed. "I bet you're glad to have a real and full wardrobe."

  The only thing I had liked about modeling was trying on new clothes for each photo shoot. If only I could have kept them... but now, maybe, I'd be the one for whom they'd make special garments. I'd have stage costumes beyond my wildest imagination and if I worked hard, I'd be the king of the music industry.

  I was so excited at the prospect that I barely slept that night.

  5. Rise to fame

  As Zafar toned his body, I tried to come up with song lyric
s by twisting my poems and adjusting them to melodies that seemed to spring naturally in my mind. I was happy for him and I wanted to contribute to his dream. I wanted him to be the biggest star that ever was and I knew he'd always love me. At least that was the impression he gave me when we embarked on this fame adventure.

  The first thing Dahumada did was change his name. He said Zafar Nagarkar was too long and hard to remember, while Zaphadin was easier. Since the names sounded almost the same, Zafar shrugged and agreed. "Sometimes Jaya called me Zafarino," he confided me. "I think Zaphadin is a good stage name."

  I smiled at the tender nickname given to him by his favorite sister. I normally shortened his name to Zaf, thus it didn't make much difference to me. By mutual agreement, we almost immediately stopped calling him Zafar and he became Zaphadin for everyone, from Dahumada to the record guys he made us meet. Sometimes "Zafar" still escaped my lips, but his glare always made me immediately correct myself.

  I think he embraced Zaphadin because it meant becoming someone else. Not an Ypsilantian boy, but a powerful young man the whole galaxy would soon know and learn to appreciate. He wasn't putting a mask on yet, but he was beginning to change into someone else – someone I wasn't sure I liked after all.

  *

  The move meant I lost my name – which was perfectly fine. I left Zafar on Ypsilanti to become a shining star in the galactic firmament. Soon I was working with a personal trainer and a dance teacher while Dahumada and Rashaun put together the songs for my first album.

  "My Name is Zaphadin" was a blast to record. I had a lot of fun and Rashaun did some of the backing vocals so we were constantly together. His lyrics soared and "Like a Lonely Heart" – a grunge song about desire – quickly climbed the charts. Everybody danced with "Gonna Make you Shake", and everybody dreamed with "Behind Sad Songs".

  Making the videos was even more fun. Dahumada hired a stylist and I got to wear the most outrageous outfits available! Like with modeling, I couldn't keep them, but it was great. I even had a choreographer who helped me come up with new dance moves.