Star Minds Chasing Stardom

by Barbara G. Tarn

  Since my mother had a high paying job, we usually lived in clean and safe suburbs, where we could walk to school on our own. One day – my aunt and grandmother were visiting for Jaya's Initiation Ceremony – I was coming back from school all alone as usual. I was four or five. It was an easy walk even for my then short legs and the path was flanked by low bushes and fences, so you couldn't stray from it. Besides, I knew Mom was watching me coming from our fourth floor window – my room faced that path, and I didn't even look up anymore until I was closer to the ten-story building we lived in.

  And my aunt came, telling me she was lost and asking me to lead her home. At the time I thought she was a little dumb, because there was no way one could get lost on the way to and from school, but later I realized she was pretending to be lost, because she couldn't believe my mother let me wander around a town at such a young age with no adult supervision. That wasn't something children could do in Lycoris, but it was quite common in Moriah.

  During primary school, I took ballet classes with Shaila and Jaya, and had a lot of fun. There weren't many boys, and they were all older, so I became the jester, the little clown who made the class laugh and the teachers frown and scold me with barely hidden smiles.

  But when we moved again, there was no such school, so I started doing combined martial arts to learn self-defense. I was still quite short and pudgy, and the new school was full of bullies, both male and female, who didn't like my sketch comedies. The little clown failed to win them over.

  Add to that that my favorite sister, Jaya, was going through puberty and didn't want her baby brother around anymore, which made for a very miserable time. Shaila's teasing got worse as well. I don't know how I got through it without shutting down to the outside world and hide in my creative cave – whatever that was at the time.

  We came back to Lycoris when I was starting the last year of middle school. Again I joined a class of people who knew each other and had been together for two years already, so I was a bit of an outsider. Luckily I wasn't the only new pupil, and I made a friend, Atiya Kanpur.

  Unfortunately we went to different secondary schools, so I lost track of him as soon as I passed my Middle School Exam. But I was starting again to make friends and win people over. Now I was too tall and too skinny and not exactly good-looking, so I struggled a little. But by the end of year two, I had a best friend, Vikram Samara, the whole class adored me and I was popular in school, especially when we needed to organize end-of-the-year shows.

  I had a band that played covers of the biggest hits of the moment and I played drums, since I had such a great sense of rhythm. Except the drums didn't allow me to dance, so I soon started to sing on a pre-recorded base. That's how my singing career started, even though I wasn't singing in public yet.

  Shaila snorted every time she heard me humming something, but Jaya was very encouraging. Jaya knows most of my childhood secrets – she was my only confidante for almost twenty years – and I will be forever grateful for her patience with her little brother. Although she was grumpy during her teen years, she made up for it before leaving for university.

  When Jaya came back with her degree in biological anthropology, I was in my third year of secondary school and she was the one who said I should quit being a drummer and start being something else. I didn't do much for another year or two, just danced and sang for myself as I tried to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I knew the band would split as soon as school was over. My passion had to remain a hobby, so I tried to figure out my calling.

  Since I loved animals and people and could never hold a grudge with anyone, my mother suggested I study to become a doctor – for humans or animals didn't matter to her. I could be a surgeon, a veterinarian, or even a psychiatrist. I didn't think I had the brains for that, but Jaya and Shaila had both been brilliant students and had graduated with the highest marks, so my mother just assumed I could be like them.

  Except that I was never like them. First, I'm male. Second, I don't have my sister Shaila's scientific mind. She earned a degree in astrophysics and space flight, and was all set for a successful career in interstellar travel. I might have been creative like Jaya, but I didn't have her brains. I had good memory, but that's not always enough. I also feel very very queasy when I see blood – unless I became a shrink there was no way I could have been a doctor or a veterinarian.

  I finished secondary school with average marks and I applied to the town's university, choosing to pursue Literature and Philosophy. As long as the degree allowed me to have a real job, my mother didn't balk. She said that even if I quit after marriage, I should have a job and be able to make ends meet on my own before I found a suitable wife, just in case. There is no divorce on Ypsilanti, but I'd find a willing girl more easily if I showed I could support myself.

  Little did I know that my random choice would allow me to meet the love of my life.

  2. The Professor

  When I met him, Zafar had signed up for the first year of my History, Literature and Language course at the University of Lycoris. He wasn't yet nineteen, and he was cheerful – and a little vain. His pale green eyes were often lost in thought. His open features and compact build had not yet become the look you all know and love.

  He hadn't decided what to do with himself, but had dutifully enrolled to please his mother. He liked poetry – it sounded almost like music to him – but his attention span was very short. He enjoyed reading, but then his mind wandered off on tangents that had nothing to do with the lessons. As for philosophy, it was like a foreign language to him.

  Being in a new environment made him quite shy. He had to make new friends – which he didn't seem to be too keen on doing, at least during the first semester. He observed a lot, listened – hopefully – a lot (I can't be certain, because he's great at pretending to listen while his mind wanders off) and studied a little.

  He tried a couple of exams, but didn't manage to pass any. The method of study was different from secondary school and he didn't seem able to adapt to the new way of learning. I saw him struggle through my classes along with a couple of other students, thus I suggested they work together with me on their curriculum.

  I was twenty-seven, and it wasn't long ago that I was in my students' place. I liked mixing students from different years, having them do joint projects, like writing the next epic poem in this technological era, using a long lost writing style.

  One such projects made Zafar shine – research on the history of our music. I could tell he was interested in the topic. He became the team leader and organized everything, He gave a wonderful presentation that left everybody gaping. He wasn't just telling the story of our music, he was living it on the podium in front of us. He's definitely a natural-born entertainer when he does something he loves.

  *

  I started university thinking I'd be a teacher like my father, at least until I got married. I hadn't fallen in love yet, not with any girl. Vikram had had a few dates, but I'd skipped them so far. I wasn't interested in getting all mushy with the other sex. I was busy with the band and finishing school and thought I had a life ahead of me.

  And then, there I was at university, on my own, and suddenly I was grown up or something. In the new place, sleeping on campus and not at home, I realized girls looked at me a lot. I had put on some muscle and was probably handsome enough to turn a few heads.

  I didn't mind the attention, but I wasn't looking for it either. If someone asked me out, I went along, if not, I just stayed on my own, observing the others as they interacted. I didn't see myself with any of the pretty ladies gravitating around me. I still felt too young to commit. Besides, my mother would choose for me anyway, so why bother?

  Most teachers were women, of course, but there was that one teacher who was male. Mr. Khanna was one of the few men teaching at the university level. He wasn't married, and for the first time I realized there was also the option of not marrying if I didn't feel like it.

  It probably wouldn't si
t too well with my mother, but it could happen. I'd have to keep teaching to support myself and buy a house. I wasn't sure I was any good at teaching – considering how slow I was at learning – but then... It was just the beginning of university. I had a few years to make up my mind.

  The studying method that had worked so well for me during secondary school didn't help me to to pass university exams. I couldn't follow the lessons like I used to, so soon my mind started wandering off during lectures. Some teachers were better at holding my attention – Mr. Khanna was one of them – but with others I really struggled to learn. I didn't see the point of philosophy and history sometimes bored me, unless it was a lively epic poem explained by Mr. Khanna.

  Since Vikram had chosen another path, I tried to recreate the same bond with my roommate, Taleet Nejem. He was two years older than me and followed the same course of studies, so I could pick his brain about my future. Mr. Khanna mixed his students for some projects, and I happened to work with Taleet once or twice in the first year of university. He wasn't a friend-friend like Vikram, but I was quite fond of him. Like an older brother I could turn to, something I never had before.

  During the summer break I went back home, but kept in touch with Taleet. He was from Jaelyn, and my parents had moved (again) there, so I slept in their guest room, trying to prepare for the fall exams with the help of my father.

  Taleet's parents lived on the other side of the valley where the town is, next to the unique sports stadium where I went every morning to jog for an hour before going back to my texts and papers. I met Taleet once a week to hang around town. I knew he was seeing someone, but I was still not interested in the romantic stuff.

  And by the end of the summer, my new friend threw a bomb – sad news for me and sort of unexpected.

  "I eloped and found a job and won't be coming back to uni," Taleet announced during our last meeting in Jaelyn.

  "Oh, no! What will I do now?" I protested.

  He smiled. "You'll have another roommate."

  "But what happened? Why did you run away?"

  "I fell in love, Zafar. My mother didn't want me to see my girfriend because she's of a lower class. I'll show her that I can be a working class boy and marry a working class girl. If Lady Nejem isn't happy with my choice, I don't care. I'm twenty-one and no law can force me to do my mother's bidding."

  "Are you sure? I mean... that Yashvardan Samara..."

  He shrugged it off. "I won't be like him. Don't worry, Zafar. My mother is uptight, but she won't force me."

  I kept thinking of a scandal that had happened a few months earlier and had resonated with me for two reasons. Yashvardhan Samara had killed his bride-to-be and run away from our matriarchal planet. What struck me was the name in the headlines – and yes, he was Vikram's older cousin, although Vikram tried to deny it the first time I called him – and that he'd killed his betrothed.

  When the Galaxy Police officer who had tried to bring him back for a fair trial had lost Yash as he headed away from all known civilization with a stolen rental starship, Vikram had called back, upset. Yash was presumed dead and Vikram was more willing to talk about what had happened – why his cousin had done the unthinkable.

  Taleet was lucky. Vikram's cousin had been locked in his mother's basement and forced to have sex with a girlfriend he didn't want, until he knocked her up and knew he'd have to marry her. The twenty-five-year-old had to kill his pregnant betrothed to avoid an arranged marriage ordered by his powerful mother.

  I started wondering about my own future. Would I be obliged to marry to enforce the reversed gender roles of Ypsilantian tradition, or should I run away now, before it was too late? My mother was not like Lady Nejem or Vikram's aunt, but still...

  Unfortunately I hadn't found my call yet, and as a jobless nineteen-year-old I couldn't afford to stray too far from home.

  *

  Zafar had been surrounded by so much female love, he was still sort of confused when he started university. His sexuality was fluid and, like he said, he hadn't fallen in love yet.

  I knew from an early age that I'd never marry. For some reason I was immediately conscious of the fact that I wasn't interested in women – not sexually, I mean. And now I was a much scorned "career man" who had refused to get married and stay at home to take care of the children.

  At the beginning of the second year, Zafar had lost his roommate who had declared his independence from family by finding himself a job and moving in with his beloved, to the outcry of his mother and her high-class friends. Men and boys don't count in the Ypsilantian society, therefore it was easy for "Lady Nejem" – as Taleet himself called his mother – to forget she ever had that wretched son.

  Zafar obediently came back to campus, but he was very quiet, obviously pondering what had happened to his friend and that other unlucky young man, Yashvardhan Samara, one of our best athletes lost to his mother's marriage fever. I could tell Zafar was questioning his own life – love, sex, his future – but he didn't see a way out.

  In spite of my preference for same-sex love, I didn't have a steady partner at the time, nor had I ever considered one of my students as a lover. It would have cost me my job, and I enjoyed teaching, even if I dreamed of becoming a famous writer one day. So far all my attempts at creative fiction had met rejections, therefore I kept it as a hobby – much like Zafar with music.

  His smile had vanished and he was dreamier than ever. Thus one day I told him to stay after class to talk about his situation. Only one month in and he was already falling behind in the course, too distracted to pay attention in class.

  *

  The second year of university was weird. It started with having another stranger rooming with me – a younger student who was grumpier and shyer than me. I gave up trying to talk to him – and I kept thinking about Taleet's choice and Yash's fate. I started wondering about passion that makes you want to go against all odds and tried to figure out if I had any. I still loved singing and dancing, but everybody kept telling me that wasn't a real job.

  And what if I despised my mother's choice of a bride? What if I was forced to impregnate her? Did I want to fall in love at all? What could I be passionate about? What could make me decide to leave my mother's house and start an independent life?

  And then Mr. Khanna said he must talk to me after class, so I realized I wasn't paying attention, not even in his classes – the least boring of my course. I felt quite ashamed of myself as I stood in front of his desk, head hanging, apologizing for my lack of progress. He looked more worried than angry, though, and managed to make me tell him what was upsetting me.

  From that day he became my one and only confidante. He lived in a small apartment just off the campus. Bounghold Chase was a large old house converted into apartments for singles or couples – barely a living room with food dispenser, a small bathroom and a bedroom not much larger than a king-size bed.

  I often went to see him after class, when I had doubts or wanted to discuss something I didn't want to talk about in public. He was always very kind and tried to address all my concerns.

  One night I asked him, "Why are you not married and how is life without a wife?"

  He averted his eyes and said, "I'm doing just fine, my students take up all my free time, and during the summer break I go to visit my old friends."

  Oblivious to his embarrassment, I persisted. "But have you ever fallen in love?"

  "Yes, my first crush I was seventeen, my longest relationship lasted two years."

  "When was that?" I asked, eyes wide in wonder, feeling I was late to get on the love bandwagon. Maybe falling in love wasn't a bad thing after all. If I could fall in love with someone, even marriage would look less daunting.

  "My mid-twenties," he answered, still avoiding eye contact. He was closer to thirty, so he must have been alone for quite some time. "When I started teaching, I found I had no time for relationships."

  Which made sense, considering how much he cared for us. I felt reassured that
I still had plenty of time and kept looking for the perfect match.

  And then I turned twenty and I decided to spend my birthday with the people I loved the most. I knocked on Mr. Khanna's door.

  Except he didn't look happy to see me.

  "What are you doing here? You should be out celebrating with your friends!"

  "I don't have any friends, Mr. Khanna. I want to celebrate with you."

  "Zafar, we should stop seeing each other outside the classroom."

  Again he avoided eye contact while I couldn't take my eyes off of his face. He kept clearing his throat and fidgeting while I tried to figure out why he was so embarrassed.

  "Why?" My voice cracked with emotion when I asked him what was wrong. I adored him as a teacher and I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing him alone.

  "It's better for both of us if we stop seeing each other," he said, staring at his feet. "We're on a dangerous road, Zafar."

  I had no idea what he was talking about, but I started to panic. I didn't want to be thrown out of his house.

  My legs gave way under me and made me slump on his couch. Except, at that point, my eyes were at the height of his groin, and I realized his pants had an unusual bulge. I gaped at the sight of his hidden boner and finally understood what was going on.

  My strength came back as I jumped to my feet, threw my arms around his neck and kissed him. Gods and goddesses, how good it felt! I never had enough of tasting his mouth! I think he tried really hard to get rid of me, but just couldn't. He wanted me as much as I wanted him.

  My heart thumped in my throat as I pulled back and lost myself in his brown eyes. I had found someone to die for. I wanted to spend my life with him. I wanted to explore his body. I wanted him to touch me and we could have sex and cuddle and be together forever.