by Kim Smart
“Stella, you’ve done a bang-up job for us again in the past year. We want to thank you for that. We’ve increased our herd size and have lost fewer cattle because of your diligence in managing them and the environment. Our government contacts have offered us continued leasing and lowered the price of the lease because of your fine work. They haven’t seen anyone as successful as you in rotating the pastures and protecting the natural environment. Their fellas were out surveying in the past month and didn’t see a problem with recovery of the scorched areas long term. Short-term, they think we should avoid them. Do you see a problem with that?” Martin had been in the cattle business all his life. He was a successful but humble man. He and Clara had a philanthropic mindset. They often cheered for the underdog. That’s how Stella came to be part of their ranching family.
“I don’t see any problem at all, unless you plan to double the size of the herd.” They all laughed. Stella had long encouraged them to take on more cattle. They were content with what they had. Those that Stella managed, albeit the most difficult to manage due to geography and other natural elements, were not their only cattle. Based strictly on the head count, she managed about twenty-five percent of their overall holdings.
“One more thing, Stella. You have kept our overhead low by doing much of the work yourself. We want to share the lease savings we will realize this year with you. We are adding that savings to your profit sharing account. There is also a bonus for preserving the herd. You had a greater than one hundred percent herd retention this year.”
“Yeah, it was so unusual to find that old bull out there this fall.” She inadvertently added to the herd when she came upon this old bull in the canyon.
“Even crazier that he followed you into the sorting pens. I’ve seen nothing like it. He must have been out there a long time without being trailed. He’s almost a pet now. We just let him wander wherever he enjoys going.” Clara had told this story to many of her friends. They don’t know where the unbranded bull came from or how old it was but he was content now to hang at the ranch.
“Clara, Martin, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your generosity. Not only for this year but for every prior year. You know I love this place and would ask for nothing more from life than to be the cowboy I am. Not to say I don’t still have things to learn.” Tears came to Stella’s eyes as the gratitude leaked from her. They were her family of choosing, the ones that raised her into adulthood.
“That’s right. We never know what new tricks we will need to face future challenges but we appreciate you so and feel like we are the lucky ones for having you on our team. Clara and I will not be here forever. As long as we are, you have a job with us.” Martin had pulled out an envelope. The documents inside detailed the day’s discussion. Stella stood to hug them both.
They moved outside to tour a new stable on the Willow Rush Ranch. Stella met a new foreman for the original homestead sections. She was happy to see Martin slowing down in his daily work and letting someone come in and help him out. Clara and Martin had only one child. He was born with heart problems that took him at a young age, before Stella knew the family. He was only eight when he passed but Stella believed they loved him dearly for the time he lived. Clara and Martin often lamented the fact that they had no heirs to gift the ranch to. They were sure that whoever received it would have the same love for it they did.
By the time they left for the trail again the following week, no messages had come in and none came in the following days. Jesse still hadn’t heard from Kerry. Stella and Jesse planned to deliver minerals to the cattle. The grasses filled their bellies, but the cattle still required supplements. They hauled large bags of minerals and salt licks and placed them in strategic places near new grazing areas. Extra horsepower was required to haul the heavy supplements. They planned for just a few days on the trail, but as often happens, they got sidetracked solving other problems. This time they had to fix a fence that was no longer stable, and they came upon a cow that got bit by a snake and developed an infection. She roped the cow just to hold it still for inspection.
“It’s odd there would be a snake up here with it being winter in the high desert but that fire probably impacted the animals.” Stella smeared an antibiotic salve on the cow’s leg. “She should be fine but we should watch her a day or so. I hate to see an animal suffer.”
She let the cow go, and it wandered back to grazing, unfazed by the ordeal.
“She could also fall prey to the bobcats up here. A coyote probably won’t tangle with her because of her size, but a bobcat doesn’t care about that.” Stella had seen it before. The smaller and injured animals were the most vulnerable. Instinctively, the other cattle moved in to shelter their injured pasture mate.
“Don’t you wish people could be as nice as cows sometime?” Jesse commented on the nature of cows. He had observed humans to be so competitive and cruel to one another. He was thankful to be from a family that supported and valued one another and his parent showed respect to one another. They argued when the kids were younger, but they never called one another names. They always seemed to make up after they argued. As they aged, they didn’t seem to have anything left to argue about.
After dinner Stella and Jesse sat near the fire and pulled out their notebooks. A lame cow could give them inspiration for their poetry. Or maybe not.
“I looked through some of your stuff.” Stella pulled some photocopies from her backpack. “You are one talented dude.”
“Nah, that’s just me vomiting on paper. Just a jumble of thoughts.”
“Seriously, man, if you haven’t gone back and read this stuff, you need to. You write about the spaces between things. The thoughts we are usually barely aware of, if at all. You talk about the beautiful things that sit in the shadows of something that is bigger. This stuff is golden.”
Jesse looked at his sister in disbelief. The only person he had ever shared his writing with before was Kerry. The one critic that mattered. She was so unmoved she didn’t even mention it. Not even a courtesy, ‘good job’. To hear his sister, whom he had come to respect immensely in the past few months, rave about his work was unsettling. Jesse hadn’t read his own writing with a critic’s eye. He dumped it on the page and then ran from it before it could swallow him up.
He turned to the next empty page and reflected on this day. A day filled with observations, surprises, and hope.
Chapter 11
Kerry pulled a steaming cup of hot chocolate from the microwave. She set it on the Formica top of the classic 1950s dining table – a garage sale find she and Gracie fell in love with. The few craft supplies she owned and her goals notebook were spread out on the table. Her New Year’s Day tradition started with a review of the prior year’s goals. Sadly, this was the only time she reviewed them. Every year she promised herself she would do better. Realizing she hadn’t, she clenched her teeth and let out a low growl of disgust with herself.
This ritual helped to organize her thoughts at an otherwise chaotic time. Last year she added a vision board to this annual exercise. Kerry had to dig through her closet to find it. A poster board with pictures and words glued to it. She flipped it over to start this year’s visions. Gracie was at the gym and Chrissy, the third member of the apartment trio, had not yet returned from winter break. Kerry had the place to herself. There was nothing to interfere with her dreams.
A smile spread across her face as she looked over her goals from last year. Kerry had accomplished a lot! She was a half-year ahead in school after overloading her schedule every semester. She made the Dean’s list and got good reviews on her job. Her bank account was in the black, albeit it barely, and she had kept in touch with her parents.
Kerry stood and folded her leg on the seat under her. She sipped her cocoa and looked out the window. Their apartment was the converted second floor of an old Victorian home. It stood in an older residential neighborhood within walking distance of the campus. Large old cottonwood and blue spruce trees wer
e dusted with fresh snow on this winter morning.
She moved on to her less successful goals. The one sphere of her life that she had not accomplished, or made any actual progress on, was romance. This area was not typically her focus, but she had read an article recently. In ‘Moving Through College and Beyond: Get these things right before you graduate’ the author stressed the hazards of not exploring relationships during college. Her theory was that too often women settled for the first man they dated after college because they feared that life was moving too fast. Kerry didn’t want to settle. She added ‘Relationship/Romance’ to her list of goals.
To date, she had only two accomplishments in this area. She was kissed by a stranger on New Year’s Eve and she sent a text message to Jesse. Really? One text message to a guy she had professed her love to long ago? Her new goals started with: call Jesse, today. She wasn’t sure it would stay on the list, but felt compelled to write it. She focused the rest of her goals for the new year on school success and finally choosing a veterinary school.
Kerry looked around the apartment. The three college girls were so busy between work and school that they had never invested any time or money to decorate their apartment. She went to her closet and pulled out a cardboard box that never got unpacked when they moved in. She pulled out some pictures from her high school days. Her mother had framed and packed them for her when she moved from Buffalo Ridge. She placed them on the fireplace mantle to cozy the place up somewhat. The first picture was of her and Prince at their last rodeo. They brought home the championship for their division. As they rode together, she and Prince were poetry in motion because of the way he took charge but responded to her shift in the saddle. Prince could run those barrels with his eyes closed, and she trusted him to bring it in fast and tight. He never failed her. It was only when she started getting in her head and doubting herself that she got off balance and threw Prince off. That was rare. She missed her dear friend. She didn’t ride him while she was home for Christmas but she visited him every morning.
There was another picture of a friend she missed too. She and Jesse were sitting in a canoe on Gulch Lake. Their heads rested on each other. Buster crouched in the foreground. The blue lake with its tree-lined shore and an immense blue sky was behind them. This photo reminded her of something Jesse had written in his book to her. How long had he worked on that gift? She couldn’t imagine. It’s nothing she would even attempt to accomplish. “That’s it!” she told herself. “Stop hiding and call him.”
Kerry put off the call until late that evening. She warmed her mug of lukewarm cocoa in the microwave, grabbed a throw she brought from home and curled up on her bed. Why was she so nervous about making this call? Her anxiety increased the longer she put it off. She had been a bad friend to Jesse after he broke up with her and she was sorry for that. Finally she garnered the nerve to push the call button.
“Hey? Kerry? What’s up? You okay?” A sleepy Jesse spoke into his phone. He wasn’t too tired to recognize the number he had called thousands of times over the years. He had spent the afternoon and evening writing and napping. A rare day in this cowboy’s world. He was wired to be up at dawn to get chores done.
“Oh. Sorry. It sounds like I woke you. What time is it there?” Kerry hadn’t considered that Jesse would be sleeping.
“It’s okay. Good to hear from you. It’s somewhere between noon and midnight, that’s all I know. How are you?”
How was she? Events had left her hurt, lonely, confused, excited, drained, hopeful, and so much more. Over all the noise in her head, what she noticed most was the thrill she felt at the bottom of her stomach. A feeling she hadn’t had in a long time. “I’m good. Staying busy with school and work. How about you? I looked for you in Buffalo Ridge but Mom said you were in Arizona. How’s that going for you?”
Small talk felt safe now. No reason to bare her soul yet.
“Yeah. I just decided I needed to get away from Buffalo Ridge and see what else there is in the world.” Jesse wouldn’t say he was running away from the reminders of her. He tried to flee his dream of them together after years of building a friendship and a budding romance. Those visions still intruded on his thoughts.
They chatted for nearly an hour just sharing their day-to-day lives. Kerry told him about her roommates, her job, and what classes she was taking. Jesse described the contrasts between life in Buffalo Ridge and Stella’s world.
“And, she’s the boss.” Jesse shared how Stella spent days alone out on the trail with the extreme terrain and weather. He described how Stella managed the herd in the face of the forest fire breathing down on them. He told her how the owners gave her kudos. “It was easy to sit back in Buffalo Ridge and do the things I was familiar with day in and day out. Here, I’m learning something new every day.”
“Wow Jesse, it sounds like you like it there and Stella’s showing you a lot.” She hesitated to ask the next question, afraid of what the answer might be.
“Yeah, she’s amazing and Pascal, the nearest town, is cool too. We haven’t spent much time there, but I met some local folks and hung out some.” The excitement in his voice was palpable now. He had woken up, both this evening and in who he was becoming. It impressed Kerry that he was sharing so much.
“So Jesse, have you met someone special? You know, are you seeing anyone?” There, she said it. Scared to know the answer, she sat frozen while Jesse answered.
“Well, Stella tried to set me up with a gal. She was nice and everything but a little crazy. Not really what I need right now. I’m just kinda dating myself. Honestly, I’m spending my free time, uh, reading and, um, writing.” He wasn’t sure he should mention the writing bit. He was shielding himself from the critic he expected her to be.
That was it. She couldn’t avoid it any longer. “Jesse. I’m so, so, sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t read your book when you gave it to me.” Kerry felt some relief that it was out. She was careless. She owned it. Now, to see if he would accept her apology.
“What’s that? What do you mean?” Jesse wasn’t sure he had heard her right. Did she say she hadn’t read it or, was that her way of putting off the inevitable criticism?
“Well, it was a crazy time when I moved into the dorm and, well, there’s no good excuse. I put it away and just didn’t look at it. I thought it was something my mom had packed initially, and I had all I needed already unpacked and in its place. I’m sorry. I just totally forgot about the book until I found it again when I moved out of the dorm. Then it took me a long time to read it. It made me sad.”
“Oh man, that’s not what I wanted.” Jesse sounded sincerely disappointed that he had inadvertently caused her pain.
“Wait, no, the writing didn’t make me sad. I realized that I had my eyes closed to an entire part of you I never even knew existed. That’s when I was hurting. That’s what made me sad and even sadder still that because of my carelessness I didn’t even realize it until long after you were gone.” Kerry was getting teary now, thinking of the distance between them and her own haphazard treatment of Jesse’s heart.
“Hey, Ker...” Jesse longed to take her in his arms and soothe her. This was not going like he thought it would. He had braced himself for a rant about the watercolor images he wrote in a black marker world. He expected criticism for the abstract way he described people and emotions. What he did not expect was the angst he was hearing from Kerry.
“No, ... please ... hear me out.” Kerry took some time to compose herself, stifling sobs and pinching off her runny nose. She explained how self-absorbed she was and how she took him for granted. She expected that he would wait for her and, once she finished her education, they could start a life together. Kerry had not realized he had a passion for writing and that he was so very talented.
“Your writing moved me but I had to take my time with it. I wanted to read it, not like I was reading a textbook or a trade journal. It’s like your heart was talking directly to mine, with no brain in the middle trying to translate. I
’m sure that makes little sense to you but that’s how it was for me. Even today, if I read one of your stories or poems I get something more out of it.” Kerry didn’t know how to describe her interaction with the writings. She never had the patience for literature before. She was accomplished with technical writing but she didn’t feel that she had a creative bone in her body.
Jesse felt flattered, and a little hurt that it had taken so long for them to have this conversation. His gift was just, well, set aside, discarded. He tried not to focus on that. Just like there is timing in writing, he knew timing was important in life and his timing had just been off.
“Here’s the good news. I think I’ve found an audience for some of my stuff. Stella introduced me to this Cowboy Poet’s group.” He wanted to - no, needed to - lighten the conversation. Kerry had flogged herself enough and now he had some, albeit dissatisfying, understanding of the months and months of silence around his gift.
“Really, there is such a thing? That sounds interesting.” Kerry wanted to be supportive but didn’t understand what he was talking about.
“Yes, it’s not like a poetry slam at the student union like you might have seen.” Jesse didn’t know if she had seen a poetry slam, but thought it would provide some context for her. “These guys work decades on their songs and poems because it’s their lifetime of experience that creates the verse. The words don’t just fly to the page; they carefully place them there after they’ve had broken bones mended, lost livestock and crops, delivered twin calves. You get the picture.”
“That sounds awesome. I’m glad you have found some kindred souls Jesse. Arizona has been good for you.” Kerry felt a pang of trepidation as she mentioned Arizona. She did not know if it was his new forever home or if he was just spending some time in Arizona helping his sister. She didn’t feel it was her place to ask outright, given the time and distance apart they had.