by Diana Nixon
She moaned aloud. I pushed harder, becoming more breathless with every thrust I gave her. My fingers entwined with hers, as I pinned her hands high above her head. She was mine; at least for this one night she was completely and unconditionally mine. Heat rushed through me, like a river of pure fire, burning everything on its way. I stood on my knees, pushing in and pulling out, slowly and then faster again, adjusting to the speed of her hips rising and falling with mine.
“I will never be able to get enough of you, Stella.” Not one fantasy could compare to what we were sharing at the moment. Not one memory would give enough credit to the beauty of her face, her lips, her eyes, her perfect body, now arching beneath me. No one would ever be better than her.
She was a walking contradiction. One second she was an angel with a smile that eclipsed the sun, and the next second – I saw a devil in her, drinking in every second of ruining me, of destroying the remnants of my self-control, and gaining more and more power over me. But I liked everything about her, as if she were my cure. She intoxicated me. Her smell, her voice, her laughter . . . Everything about her was like a drug to me. I was addicted to her. Pure and simple.
“I wish I could stay and see you like this every day.” I slid into her wetness, making another sweet moan escape from her lips. “I wish I could stay in this bed, with you, forever . . . Just to fall asleep and then wake up holding you in my arms, making love to you, over and over again. Taking you high, and making you mine, breathing you in, kissing you non-stop and diving inside you.”
“That is all I want, James…”
I stopped for a moment as a new idea came to mind. “Do you think you could visit me in New York?”
She frowned at my question. “I don’t know… Maybe; maybe one day, when I’m finally ready to go back to the city.”
Dillon’s words about Stella’s past flashed in my memory. A rush of anger ran through me. Did she still love that guy who cheated on her? Was his betrayal so huge, she still couldn’t forget about him and move on? I didn’t dare to ask any of those questions aloud. I didn’t have a right to.
I could feel her heart beating fast against my chest. It matched the rhythm of mine perfectly.
“I would love to see you again one day, Stella.”
“I’d love that too.”
Sadness crossed her beautiful features, but I didn’t want her to be sad now, so I cupped her face in my palms and kissed her lips, trying to overshadow the thoughts now crossing our minds.
It was so easy to stay… To just let my fears and worries go, and stay with her. But I couldn’t, because staying also felt like the hardest thing ever. It was supposed to be my decision to make, but the consequences scared the hell out of me. I didn’t know if I would be able to make her happy, and I knew she deserved nothing less than happiness.
Being with Stella had always been so effortless, especially when it came to sex. If while talking I couldn’t always be honest and open with her, but whenever she was so close, with her body and soul naked in front of me, I felt like a real bastard, using her weakness against her, taking what I wanted without giving anything in return. But then, I listened to my feelings and realized that maybe in reality I was giving her more than I thought I would give any other woman – I was giving her myself, effortlessly and unconditionally. Only she didn’t know that, but for me, knowing that with her I could finally be myself and free, meant everything. She set me free: she made me a better person, she healed the wounds that had been bleeding on my heart for years, she made me strong, confident, and complete. Yes, I finally felt complete, but only with her.
She squeezed my waist harder with her legs, repeating my name over and over again. It sounded like a prayer flying from her lips, as if with her every move and kiss she was begging me to stay. As for me, with every kiss I gave her, I was saying good-bye. And she knew it. She always knew everything that was going on with me. I had never been an open book to anyone, but she could read me so well. She could see through my lies and my pretenses. She saw the real me. In her eyes, I had never been a famous author, I had always been just a man who lost himself to misery and pain at some point in his life.
We were getting close: her moans became louder, my moves became faster. I wanted to prolong the moment, but all I could think about was making her come for me, feel her orgasm tightening around me and joining her in the moment of toxic ecstasy that we both wanted to get lost in so badly.
“Are you ready?” I whispered into her ear.
“You know I am,” she responded breathlessly.
“Come all over me,” I said, pushing harder.
“God, James…” She arched her back, meeting my wild thrusts willingly.
“Look at me, Stella. I want to remember the look in your eyes when you come.” Her skin was flush and hot, the drops of sweat glistened in the moonlight. Her lips were parted, eyes wild.
“So fucking beautiful…” I came hard inside her, kissing away the sounds of bliss from her soft lips. Her nails scratched my shoulders, hips pressed hard against mine. “You are my salvation, Stella, the light at the end of the tunnel that I have been hiding in for years. You are my freedom.”
She pulled my face to hers, our lips brushed together. “I love you, James Collins. Love you so much.”
No, no, please don’t say it . . .
I shut my eyes, hoping it would hush the echo of her words ringing in my head, but only ended up with the words ringing even louder in my mind.
I love you, James Collins . . .
“You can’t, Stella. You can’t love me,” I said in a whisper. I pulled out and looked down at her.
She was smiling. She wasn’t afraid to meet my stare, she wasn’t ashamed of what she had said.
She just . . . She loves me.
“I don’t care if it’s the first and only time that I will get the chance to tell you that I love you, James. But I want you to know that I don’t regret a single moment of the time we have spent together, and I will not take back what I said; I will never, do you hear me, I will never regret saying that I love you.”
“Stella, don’t. . .”
She rose up on one elbow and caressed my cheek with the back of her palm, saying, “You are the most amazing man I have ever met. And I will never stop loving you, no matter what.”
I swallowed hard. If only she knew how much I wanted to tell her that I loved her too, but no words came from my mouth. I knew there was something I felt for Stella, but could I call it love?
“One day, you will meet a man who will be able to reciprocate and respond to your feelings, Stella. Don’t let what you feel for me ruin your future, because with me, there’s no future for the love that you feel.” I mentally cursed myself for the words I said. I didn’t want to say them. I didn’t want her to be with anyone but me. I wanted to be the man she would love for the rest of her life, and I wanted to love her too. God knew I wanted to love her too…
My mouth was dry, words got stuck in my throat, burning me from the inside. I couldn’t let them out, I wanted to say I love you, but I somehow didn’t know how to do it, as if I had just forgotten the language I spoke.
“I’ll be fine, James, I swear.” She smiled again, her face so open and sincere. “You didn’t ruin me, don’t you ever say that you hurt me somehow, you did not. Rather on the contrary – you made me feel wanted again. With you, I found the missing part of me that I thought I would never find again – I found my heart. It wasn’t dead or broken as I originally thought it was. It was just hidden, scared to feel. But you made it beat faster, and for that alone, I will always be grateful to you, James. I’m not going to give up on my life. I will live again, I will dream again, I will build my career, and I will make my dreams come true. I swear, I will never forget who I am. And I will keep my promise – I will start all over again. I will move on.”
Her every word was like a dagger through my heart. Of course, she was going to move on. I was happy for her, I knew she was not lying or pretending to be s
trong. She was strong, she had always been strong. She just needed a little motivation to keep going, just like I needed inspiration for my every new book. She became my inspiration, and I was glad I could do at least something for her as well. I didn’t want her to feel used. Because I never used her just to satisfy my needs. I had been with her because she was the only woman I wanted to be with. And that was the truth – I just wanted to be by her side . . .
“You are so wise for your young age, Stella.” I lowered my body down beside hers, wrapping one arm around her waist. Our eyes were still locked. I didn’t want to look away. There were just a few more hours that I would be able to spend with her, and I didn’t want to waste a second of them. “Do your words mean that you are going back to New York?”
“Yes. Maybe not right away, but I think it’s time to get back to my real life, not the imaginary peace that I once thought I would find here. Because my life in Braiwood has never been peaceful. There wasn’t a day that I felt truly happy. There has always been something pulling me back, to my past, to my pain. I never told you why I came to Braiwood…”
“I know why.”
“You do? But . . . How?”
“Dillon told me.”
“Oh… Well, that’s probably for the best. I don’t want to talk about my past. But thanks to you, I feel like I can breathe again. And with every breath, I get closer to something new. Who knows, maybe it’s my new life that I feel like starting?”
No words were enough to describe the emotions running through me now. I don’t think I had ever felt so many contradicting things at once. I was so happy, but on the other hand, I was the most broken person in the world. My future without Stella looked so lonely, so miserable, and hopeless. Not to mention my fear of seeing her with someone else. I just couldn’t imagine seeing her with another man.
I pulled her to me, covering us both with a blanket. Tomorrow was going to be my hell, but tonight she was still with me, hidden under the blanket that felt like a whole world to me, our small peaceful world.
Silence filled the room. I could hear Stella’s breathing calming. The only distraction was the beat of her heart against my chest. I didn’t see her face, but I could feel her quietly giggling.
“What’s so funny?” I asked, caressing her back with my palm.
“I remember the first time that we did this. Back in the kitchen, remember?”
I chuckled. “Hard to forget.”
“I was afraid I would embarrass myself by doing something wrong.”
“What? Why?”
“You know . . . I hadn’t been with a man for a while, I think I forgot how to be with a man in the first place.”
I laughed quietly. “There was nothing to be embarrassed about. You were amazing.”
“I felt like a fool when Dillon entered the kitchen and we had to pretend as if nothing happened. And your words and expression didn’t help a thing.”
“Well, I can’t help but admit that I loved our ‘cooking session’. And yes, I was a little disappointed it ended so soon. But … more than anything, I was … angry.”
“I know. I could see it in your eyes.”
“What were you thinking at the moment?”
“I was afraid that you regretted everything that happed between us.”
I sighed. “I did regret it. But then, I couldn’t stop thinking about doing it over and over again.”
She raised her chin, looking up into my eyes. “It’s so easy to get used to being with you, James. It is like breathing.”
My hands tightened around her. There were so many things I wanted to tell her, but I couldn’t allow myself to say them out loud to her. I just kept quiet, rocking slowly with Stella in my arms, as if she were a baby I couldn’t make fall asleep. For a split second I thought about staying. But then, the image of Melody’s motionless body flashed behind my closed eyes and I shivered, as if stubbed by a knife. I couldn’t love Stella, I shouldn’t love her.
We lay next to each other, her back pressed to my chest. She was sound asleep, but I couldn’t close my eyes, not even for a second. My eyes kept traveling to the clock on the wall. If only I could make time stop running. With every heartbeat, I was getting closer to the moment when I needed to get up, get dressed and leave; before Stella would wake up and see the bed empty. No good-bye . . . Unlike so many rules of mine that had been broken with Stella, this one couldn’t be broken.
I inhaled deeply, letting the intoxicating sweet scent of her skin fill me. No time with Stella was enough to get enough of her. Like a dying man, I was trying to breathe in as much of her as I could. I was afraid to move, I did not want to wake her. My palm slowly slid down her side, trying to memorize the feeling of her skin beneath my touch. I hid my head in the curve of her neck, placing a small kiss under her ear. She relaxed deeper into my embrace, pressing her back harder against me.
Ugh, if only I could stay.
I wasn’t brave enough to tell Stella that I was going to leave in the morning. I didn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes. I didn’t want to see the accusation. I knew I said we would spend a couple of days together and I knew she wanted it as much as I did, but my plans changed, and I knew she would hate me for leaving so soon.
I held her closely like she was mine, mine forever. At least for a few more hours I could pretend I was living in a world where nothing existed but us, where nothing mattered but us. But that world was so fragile, not even the warmth of the blanket covering our bodies could save it. It was just an illusion that I enjoyed and refused to let go.
By the time I needed to leave, I felt like the most miserable person on the planet.
I got up quietly, grabbed my clothes and went to the living room, needing some space and time away from Stella. She looked so innocent and fragile while she was sleeping. Like a piece of the finest porcelain that I was afraid to break.
I took a few deep breaths, but I still felt like I was suffocating. My head was spinning a little, I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night. I felt like my heart was about to be ripped out of my chest again. I knew the feeling too damn well, it was going to hurt like freaking hell. I went to my suitcase and took out the book that Stella wanted me to sign for her. She said she wanted me to be inventive.
I opened the first page and stared blankly down at it. Words had always been my power, my weapon against the evil of the world around me. And now, I was going to use them against myself, because the things that I was about to write were too sacred to share them with anyone. But Stella was special, she had always been special to me.
It will never change, I thought to myself.
I took a pen and wrote the only thing that I felt like saying at the moment, “I thought I would never fall in love with you, Stella… And I didn’t. I drowned in you.”
Chapter 16
Stella
Three months later
I was terribly late for work. The clock on the wall showed half past seven in the morning, and I still needed to take a shower, get dressed and make it to the office by eight thirty – a never-to-come-true plan. My new boss was about to be so pissed.
I rushed to the kitchen, turned the coffee machine on and then ran back to the bedroom, hoping I would still have my job when I finally got to work.
“What the hell is going on here?” Nikki asked angrily, standing in the door to my room.
“I shouldn’t have listened to you last night, Sis. I needed to stay at home, watch TV and not go out dancing and drinking all night. Now I am suffering from a hangover and afraid of losing my dream job.” I tried to pull a pencil skirt up my legs, but obviously even getting dresses was a hard thing to do this morning. My shower would have to wait until later. I couldn’t give my boss even more of a reason to fire me.
“Relax, Stella. Steven is hopelessly in love with you. So even if you don’t show up at work at all, he will not fire you.” Nikki yawned and headed to the kitchen. “Double expresso with no sugar?”
“Yes, please.” I look
ed at my reflection in the mirror and grimaced. My hair was a mess, an irreparable mess. Thank God, I at least managed to wash the makeup off after returning from the club where Nikki and I went last night to celebrate her birthday, otherwise I would look like one of those zombies from TV shows.
Nikki’s actual birthday was almost a week ago, but I was too busy working to join the party that my sister’s friends were throwing for her. That’s why she said I owed her an all-girl night and so we ended up in a club, where we didn’t know anyone, but had a lot of fun. The fun that was obviously going to ruin my career today.
“Why did I drink so much last night?” It was a rhetorical question, but my sister still responded.
“It was the first night in months that I managed to drag you out, so you didn’t have a choice but to do everything I told you to do.” She smiled, handing me a cup of steaming coffee.
I took a few sips and put the cup on the kitchen table. “I’d better go now. Lock the door when you leave, okay?”
“K.” She kissed me on the cheek and told me to have a great day, which I already knew would suck.
Three months ago, my life changed tremendously. The morning I woke up and realized that James had left, I thought I would die. A signed copy of his book was the only thing left of him. I still remembered the words inscribed on the first page… No, scratch that – I knew them by heart. I read them over and over again for days, until I realized it was time to move on. And I did move on.
The first thing I did starting my new life was talking to Dillon.
“You don’t have to explain anything, Stella. I knew you would leave, sooner or later. And I think that time has come.”
Of course, he was upset and didn’t want to let me go, but making me stay was not his call to make either. He helped me pack my bags, wished me good luck and sent me back to New York.
It wasn’t easy to get back to the life I had before Braiwood. So I started a completely new one. I changed the apartment, found a new job in one of the publishing houses, the owner of which turned out to be really happy to see my name on the door next to his office. I even threw away my old wardrobe and bought new clothes, shoes, purses, etc. I was a little surprised to know that Steven Turner, the founder of Turner’s Press had wanted to work with me for a long time, but couldn’t find my contact information and gave up on the idea of finding me, ever. I didn’t know he used to be one of the sponsors of my faculty’s scholarship programs, and he read my articles a long time ago, when I was just trying to prove to the world that I was a great journalist. So the day he called me and said he read my CV and wanted to interview me, I was as happy as ever. The interview lasted no longer than five minutes. Surprisingly enough, Steven and I liked the same writing styles and I immediately agreed to work for him.