Quantum Cheeseburger

by Jeremy Michelson

  “We know she’s fucking dead, thanks to you,” Liz said.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, “I wish I’d never seen your campfire that night. I...”

  I stopped, thinking about the three women seemingly out there at random. So far in my adventures, very little had ended up being random.

  “Yeah, we wish we’d never met you either, douchebag,” Liz said.

  I gave her a hard stare. These women weren’t simple musicians on their way to El Paso. At least Claire wasn’t.

  Whose side were they on?

  Amber stepped forward. “What are you doing with Houston?” she asked.

  “He has some answers,” I said, “And he’s going to tell me, whether he wants to or not.”

  She stroked his head. “He seemed like such a fun guy,” she said, “But you said he’s one of the bad guys?”

  Weariness washed over me. My strength was faltering. I needed to get going.

  "I don't know who the bad guys are anymore," I said, "From now on I'm just going to assume everyone is a bad guy."

  “Even us?” Amber asked.

  I looked at Liz, who gave me a cold stare. “You aren’t just musicians,” I said, “And you didn’t happen to just be camping in the desert that night.”

  Liz looked away. “Why do you say that?”

  I adjusted Kincaid on my shoulder. He seemed to be getting heavier. I took a step down the corridor.

  “I gotta go,” I said.

  I walked away. I thought of the two plasma rifles lying on the floor behind me. Stupid. I wasn’t sure I had enough energy left to make a shield. I kept walking, waiting for the hum of a plasma rifle cycling up.

  “Wait,” Liz said.

  I walked on. I heard a clattering behind me. A heavy door slammed shut. Footsteps came running up to me. Liz appeared to my left, Amber to my right. They had the plasma rifles in their hands. But they weren’t pointed at me.

  I glanced back. The two guards were gone and the brig door was closed.

  “So what’s the plan?” Liz asked.

  I thought for a moment. Could I trust them? Probably not. Everyone mixed up in this thing seemed to have their own agenda. And they all had little to no regard for my health.

  “What were you three doing out in the desert that night?” I asked.

  Liz wouldn’t look at me. I turned to Amber. Her cheeks went red and she looked away.

  “You couldn’t have been waiting for me,” I said, “You didn’t know I’d be...”

  Suddenly it struck me. They did know I was going to be there. Or somebody was going to be there.

  I’m so stupid.

  “You were waiting for Julie and the goon to show up with Kincaid, weren’t you? You were working with them.”

  Liz gave me a sour look. “You’re an idiot. You remember them locking us up in the Don’s ship, right?”

  I shook my head. “They locked up Kincaid, too. And he was definitely on their side.”

  Amber put her hand on my arm. “We’re not with them,” she said, “Claire wasn’t, either. We’re not on the alien’s side at all.”

  “We intercepted a transmission between Kincaid’s extraction team and the Don vessel,” Liz said, “We were doing reconnaissance. We weren’t equipped to engage anyone in combat.”

  I stopped walked and faced her.

  “Who are you working with?” I asked, “Who do you represent?”

  Liz sighed, frowning down at her feet. Se seemed to come to a decision.

  “We don’t really represent anyone,” she said, “We a group that’s trying to find out the truth about the aliens and the government’s dealings with them. There’s a lot more going on than the public knows about.”

  That part I knew was accurate. I wasn’t shocked that the government was keeping secrets from the general public. That’s what governments did.

  “Claire and her grandfather were part of this?” I asked.

  “Claire’s grandfather started the whole thing,” Amber said, “He captured that secret Stickman base back in the twenties. If it wasn’t for him, the aliens might own the planet by now.”

  “Yeah, and I’m sure there’s some happy aliens now that he’s dead,” Liz said.

  Yay, another secret organization. Everybody and his dog seemed to have a secret organization. I needed to start one myself, just to say I had one.

  I paused at corner. The corridor ahead was clear, the door to the outside unoccupied.

  “Where was the old man going to go with that ship?” I asked.

  Liz and Amber looked at each other. “We don’t know,” Liz said, “We thought you convinced him to take it out.”

  I frowned. Someone was lying. “He didn’t give me the chance to convince him of anything. Julie blasted her way in and the next thing I knew, the old man was taking us down the rabbit hole.”

  I moved over to the door and pulled out one of the stun guns.

  “What are you doing with a Blinky gun?” Liz asked.

  I turned to her. She knew what a Blinky gun looked like? Of course she did. She was part of the secret organization...blah, blah, blah. I didn’t have time to play games with them.

  Liz held the plasma rifle loosely in her hand, pointing in the general direction of the floor. It would only take her a fraction of a second to swing it up and shoot me. Could I stun her before she shot me?

  I decided I didn’t care.

  “I’m getting the hell out of here, that’s what I’m doing,” I said.

  I opened the door. Hot desert air blasted my skin. I blinked against the harsh sunlight. Where were the Grums?

  “Where are you going to go?” Liz asked.

  “I have no frickin’ idea,” I said. There was one. A tan hump of machinery, trailing dust, coming my way. “I’m going to take one of those and drive like hell.”

  “You won’t get far,” Liz said, “The base is on high alert now.”

  “No kidding.”

  The rumble of the Grum’s engine rose as it approached. I set Kincaid down in the doorway. Amber kneeled beside him, putting her hand on his face.

  “Poor Houston,” she said, “Why’d you have to go to the dark side?”

  “Because he’s an asshole,” I said.

  She gave me a sad, hurt look. Obviously she still had a thing for the jerk. I turned my attention back to the approaching vehicle. Liz stepped up beside me.

  “Claire’s grandfather was in touch with people all across the world,” she said, “I bet he wanted to get you out of the country.”

  “I really don’t give a crap,” I said, “He got himself and Claire killed. I’m sick of people jerking me around. I’m getting out of here. Kincaid is going to give me answers and then...”

  “Then what?” Amber asked.

  I contemplated a future where I wasn’t running. A future where I took the fight to them. Whoever they might be.

  “I’m going to figure out just whose ass I need to kick,” I said.

  The Grum was close now. Its heavy engine rumbled and vibrated the ground. Diesel fumes tickled my nose. I stuck the Blinky gun in my belt behind me. I stepped out of the doorway, waving my arms. The Grum slowed. I could see the hard faces of the soldiers behind the windshield. I doubted the Blinky gun would be effective through the vehicle's armor. I had to hope they would roll down a window or open a door.

  “Stay back,” I whispered to Liz and Amber, “Stay out of sight.”

  I didn’t look back to see if they did. I kept my eyes on the soldiers in the Grum. The truck slowed, then stopped. I coughed, waving at the dust cloud the enveloped me.

  “What’s up, sergeant?”

  On of the marines leaned out of the passenger side window. His hands were out of sight. I guessed there was a weapon in them.

  I waved a hand at the still form of Dr. Kincaid. “I caught this civilian trying to escape. Give me a hand with him.”

  “We’re on patrol, sarg,” the soldier said.

  I put my hand on my hips and gave him my
equivalent of a withering sergeant’s glare.

  “Get your damned asses out of that vehicle and carry this asshole back to the brig! Now!” I shouted.

  The soldier looked uncertain. “We’ve got orders, sarg,” he said.

  “Now!” I bellowed.

  The soldier looked at his buddy and shrugged. A second later his door opened and he climbed down from the rig. The other soldier came around from the other side. They both had plasma rifles in their hands.

  The driver’s eyes went wide. “Hey! That’s doc Kincaid!” he said.

  Their rifles snapped up, aimed at my belly.

  Shit.

  Super speed.

  My energy flagged and my vision dimmed. The soldiers were still moving. The driver was saying something, the words coming out in slow motion. Gggeeeeeeetttt dddddooowwwwnnnn....

  My stomach twisted with hunger. Whatever it was creating my super powers, it needed energy. I had an image of little machines, sucking the fat out of my love handles, throwing it into little furnaces. Faster, boys, we need more power!

  It was going to eat me up and leave nothing but a dried up sack of skin and bones.

  What would happen if the soldiers shot me and there wasn’t any energy for the little machines to fix me again?

  I looked down the barrels of the plasma rifles, their mosquito whine buzzing in my ears. Maybe death would keep me this time.

  I reached for the Blinky stun gun. To the soldiers, I’m sure it looked like I was moving at superhuman speed. I felt like I swam through Jello.

  The soldier’s eyes widened in slow motion. Their fingers tightened on the triggers. Black spots danced before my eyes. I brought the stun gun up and fired once. It hit the driver. He collapsed like a snowman melting under the sun.

  The other soldier fired. The pulse flashed out at me. I threw myself aside. The beam grazed my ribs. Hot agony ripped through my body. I lost hold of the super speed and fell hard on the ground.

  The soldier swung the rifle at me.

  “Freeze!” Liz’s voice.

  He looked up. Liz stood in the doorway, plasma rifle aimed at him. I twisted. Brought the Blinky gun up and fired.

  The soldier collapsed to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

  I tried to stand up. The pain in my side put me back on the ground. Liz and Amber rushed up to me.

  “Oh, that’s a bad one,” Liz said, her fingers probed my side.

  “Then stop touching it for god’s sakes,” I said.

  “What should we do?” Amber asked.

  Blackness hovered at the edge of my vision. I fought it. I had to stay conscious this time. No more giving in. No more letting other people control the situation.

  “Get me up into that truck,” I said, “Find me some food. I need energy.”

  They hauled me to my feet and helped me into the back of the truck. Amber rummaged around the inside while Liz went back for Kincaid. I settled into the hard seat. I clenched my teeth against the pain. Dizziness made my vision swim. How much longer could I hold on?

  “Found something!” she said. She put a box of MRE’s on my lap. I fumbled one out with numb fingers. I tried to read the label, but my eyes wouldn’t focus.

  “Help,” I said.

  Amber took the pouch and looked at it for a moment. She pulled a strip on the side and the package puffed up. Smells of meat and bread filled the cabin. My stomach growled loud enough to be heard over the rumbling engine.

  I reached for the pouch. Amber opened it, pulled out the contents and put it into my hands. It was hot. I almost laughed.

  It was a bacon cheeseburger.

  But without green chilies.

  I wolfed it down in three bites. I didn’t even taste it, it was gone so fast.

  “More,” I said.

  Amber got out another pouch. Liz heaved Kincaid into the seat beside me. His head flopped to one side and he snored. Liz wiped the sweat from her forehead.

  “Okay, what now, boss?” she asked.

  I waved to the driver’s seat. “Get behind the wheel and start driving,” I said, “I’ll tell you the rest of the plan on the way.”

  Amber stuck another hot burger in my hand. Amazingly, I actually did have a plan.

  Fifty-Five

  I polished off the whole box of instant burgers in a bag. By the time I ate the last one they were tasting about as bad as you’d think an instant burger in a bag would taste. But if there’d been another box of them, I’d have ate them, too. I hungered for more. The box of burgers had been like dropping stones into an abyss. It was going to take a lot more to fill me up.

  I had Amber scour the Grum for more food. Liz had resumed the soldier’s patrol route outside the base.

  “I hope the rest of the plan is better than this,” she said.

  “We need to keep driving back and forth until I get some of my strength back,” I said.

  The burger abominations were getting something done for me. The wound in my side from the plasma rifle had stopped hurting. My skin tingled all around the area. When I looked at it, fresh, pink skin was forming.

  Amber came up to me with a jar of peanut butter. “This is all I could find.”

  I grabbed it from her. Peanut butter had lots of fat and protein. Energy and building materials. Perfect. I scooped it out with my fingers and stuffed my mouth full. It tasted frickin’ awesome. I reached the bottom then broke the plastic jar in half and licked the sides clean.

  “There doesn’t happen to be a case of that stuff back there?” I asked.

  Amber shook her head.

  I sighed. It was going to have to do for now. I'd have to find more later. Hopefully, it would be enough.

  “How long do these Blinky stun guns knock people for?” I asked Liz.

  “Couple hours, usually,” she said.

  I looked at Kincaid. His snores sounded like rusty chainsaws. Drool dripped from the corner of his mouth. I didn’t have a couple hours.

  “The gun should have a wake up setting on it,” Liz said.

  “What?” I got up and scrambled into the passenger seat beside her. I held the gun up. “Show me.”

  She pointed to a red area on the side. “Run your finger along that. When it changes to yellow, it should be in wake mode.”

  “This thing doesn’t have a kill mode, does it?” I asked.

  “No, the Blinkies prefer to stun their prey,” Liz said, “They like to eat things live.”

  That was probably more than I wanted to know about the Blinkies. I slid my finger along the red strip. It turned to yellow. I looked up at Liz.

  “No matter what you hear back there,” I said, “Just keep driving back and forth normally.”

  “For how long?” she asked, “They’re going to notice those guys eventually.”

  Liz had hid the soldiers in a cleaning closet near the door. With any luck, we'd be long gone before they woke up, or anyone discovered them.

  “Do you know how to fly a hoverjet?” I asked.

  “What! No, I don’t,” Liz said. She looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I was.

  I glanced at Amber. “How about you?”

  She gave a vigorous shake of her head.

  “Okay, do you think you can disable one with a plasma rifle?” I asked.

  “Only from close range,” Liz said.

  I looked up at the ceiling. There was a hatch and a bulge coming down from the roof. “How about with the roof mounted guns on this thing?”

  Liz shook her head again. “Won’t work. The hoverjets broadcast a friend or foe signal. The big gun won’t shoot anything that’s broadcasting that.”

  “Can the hoverjets fire on us then?” I asked. “Wouldn’t this thing broadcast the same signal?”

  “In theory,” Liz said, “But command can send an override to the jets. Once that’s done–BOOM! Bye bye us.”

  I nodded, thinking it over. “Okay, that works,” I said, “Keep driving for now.”

  Liz sputtered something, but I was already hea
ded back to Kincaid. Whatever she said was lost to the rumble of the engine. I settled beside Kincaid and aimed the Blinky gun at him.

  “What are you going to do?” Amber asked.

  “Wake the son of a bitch up,” I said. Then I shot him.

  He jolted awake, looking around wildly. “What the fuck happened!” he shouted, “Where the fuck am I?”

  He saw me and his face went crimson. I slid my finger over the yellow strip on the gun. It changed back to red.

  “You! You fucking piece of shit! You’re supposed to be dead!” he said.

  I shrugged. “Dead seems to have a hard time sticking to me,” I said.

  “Hi Houston,” Amber said. She gave him a coy smile. Apparently she still had the hots for him.

  He calmed a little at the sight of her. “Hey sweet cheeks,” he said, “Why the fuck am I in this stinking Army truck?”

  Technically it was Space Corps truck, but whatever.

  “You’re here to answer my questions, asshole,” I said.

  He gave me an incredulous look. “What did you just call me?”

  I took the plasma rifle leaning against the seat and stuck the barrel up under his chin. His eyes went wide.

  “I called you an asshole, you asshole,” I said, “Now, I’m going to ask you questions and you’re going to answer them promptly and with complete honesty.”

  “You can’t kill me,” he said, “You’re a fucking pacifist.”

  “Yeah, not so much anymore,” I replied.

  He blinked rapidly. His adams apple bobbed up and down.

  “Listen, we can work something out here,” he said.

  “Sure we can,” I said, “Right after you answer my questions. First question: Where is Julie?”

  His eyes went to Amber. He gave her a pleading look. She shrugged.

  “Sorry Houston sweetie, he’s kind of holding the cards here,” she said, “You should answer him, baby.”

  I gave the rifle a shove. Sweat popped up along his brow.

  “Julie. Where is she?”

  “On base,” he said.

  “Is the goon with her?”

  His eyebrows furrowed. “Who?”

  I gritted my teeth and leaned closer. “Her husband.”

  “Uh, yeah, he’s here, too,” Kincaid said.