by Gail Haris
My heart stops. What were Landon’s opinions? I thought he was going to be on my side.
Richard speaks with a firm voice. “We set rules for a reason and expect you to follow them. Now, Landon fears if we come down too hard on you about anyone from… your past that you’ll rebel. He pointed out that everything has been going smoothly, and I agree. We won’t change your schedule to where you and Noah are in separate classes. I’m aware you’ll cross paths with him at school, but only at school. Do not ever refer to him as your cousin. Do not discuss anything that has happened before today. Be civil but that’s it. He’s not related, so don’t act like he is. You’re not going to be pretend cousins.”
I feel myself bristling at his tone and harsh words. Melissa hisses at him through gritted teeth. “Richard. Calm down. We talked about this.”
“Landon assured us that this was the best way. To allow Noah to be a part of your life at school. But only at school, that is all I’m agreeing to.”
I look up into his eyes. I see fear and pain. He’s afraid of them and he’s afraid for me. I watch as a look of sadness washes over him. Richard wraps me in his arms and kisses my forehead. “We’re going to move past all this.”
I’m not sure if he’s telling me or himself. He releases me and offers a small smile. I’m about to pull away but he wraps his arms around me again and speaks above my head. “I just want to move past this. I’m sorry. I can’t stand the idea of losing you again.” I hear the break in his voice. “Sweet dreams, Sarah.” Then he hurries out of the room.
Melissa gives me one last tight hug. “I’m so proud of you. Today was a big day and you were so brave! I love you.”
After she closes the door, I’m left standing there stunned. I know their reasoning, but I still feel so confused by everything.
I hurry to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Then I crawl under the sheets. As much as I want to keep reading the journal, I simply can’t. Everything that has happened today is finally catching up to me: school, Noah, the journal, the text messages, everything. With great effort, I get out of bed to go place the journal back in the inside pocket of the suitcase. I crawl back under the covers and as soon as my head hits the pillow, I fall asleep.
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S ALREADY Monday again. I have caught up on most of the assignments I missed. Technically, it was only a month’s worth of school. It was an excellent excuse to stay holed up in my room. My mind had simple tasks to focus on which for once made me grateful for homework. Noah and I didn’t text any over the weekend. I assume he didn’t want to use up the minutes. At school we keep conversations light. He still walks me to the cafeteria, but I always go and sit with Landon’s group. This has drawn a little attention to us with me being the new girl and Noah is typically a mute—or so I’m told. Tara and Amber, another girl from the soccer team whom I’ve become friends with, sit with us now. I’ve found a nice outlet in soccer. When I’m on the field I’m not the new girl, I’m not Olivia or Sarah, I’m part of a team. I’m in the zone and all my personal problems cease to exist.
Today I’ve dressed up a little more. I added a little more makeup, nothing drastic, just more mascara and darker lip color. I leave my hair down and curl the ends. I pick out one of the nicest outfits Melissa purchased for me, and it compliments my coloring and figure. Reading the journal every night has made me understand more that this would’ve been my life already. Cindy had clearly been going through depression when she kidnapped me. She took me from my family. Reading it from her own words doesn’t make it any easier, but I can’t be in denial about what happened. A part of me still loves her, probably always will, but I need to embrace the family and life I’d had taken from me. At most, I owe it to myself and the people downstairs to try.
I go downstairs for breakfast and everyone is already there. Denise and Melissa both raise their eyebrows and smile at me.
“Oh my gosh. You look hot!” Denise reaches for a bowl out of the cabinet and places it on the counter. “Like why haven’t you been doing that with your hair to start with? I’m being completely serious right now,” she says while pouring a bowl of cereal. She walks by me carrying her bowl and raises her eyebrows. “Seriously.”
Melissa touches my hair. “I agree, sweetie. Your hair is beautiful down. You look extra pretty today…any particular reason?”
Denise sits down at the table smiling like the Cheshire cat. “You mean any particular person? You obviously have the hots for someone!”
I frown and go to the counter to make some oatmeal, “Um no, just got up a little earlier than usual and had more time to get ready.” Besides, all girls feel better when they dress up a little.
Richard and Landon are quietly watching our exchange from the table while eating their breakfast. After I sit down, Melissa reminds everyone about my game tomorrow. Then, after the game, we’re going dress shopping for homecoming.
Denise looks over at Landon, and in a teasing tone, she asks, “So who are you asking this year? Is it Rachel?”
Landon rolls his eyes and shrugs.
Her eyes then fall on me. “Who are you hoping will ask you? Or…” she gets really animated, “are you going to ask them?” She wiggles her eyebrows.
They all stop what they’re doing and look at me.
“Um…I haven’t really thought about it. I don’t even know if I’m going.” I focus on my oatmeal. Am I going to homecoming? Who would I go with? I wonder if any of the girls are going solo? I literally just started attending this school. I barely even know anyone! Except Noah. Would he be willing to be my date? Not sure the Randalls…I mean—my parents would approve. It’d be awkward because he reminds them of his aunt and of what happened. I’m on the verge of a panic attack, and I already have a headache. It’s not even eight in the morning.
Melissa gives a small chuckle, “Of course you’re going. You can’t miss your senior year homecoming. Is there anyone you hope to go with?”
I shake my head back and forth. This is only my second week at this school people. Calm yourself.
“You know, a group of girls might all go solo together. If you’re worried about not having a date, we could have one of our friends’ sons escort you,” Melissa continues. She looks to Landon. “Honey, maybe you have a nice friend that might want to escort Sarah? You two could double date!”
Richard nods. “I would feel much better if you were there, son. She’s been through a lot. We don’t want someone to try anything.”
All good feelings from this morning are gone. Poof. Just like that.
Luckily, it’s time to go to school, so we don’t dwell anymore on me needing a chaperone. As I’m picking up my backpack by the door, Richard walks over.
“Here.” I look down and he’s holding a small white piece of paper out to me. My eyebrows pinch together as I take the folded piece of paper. “It’s your friend Angie’s number. I called Mrs. Jenkins to see if she could get it for me.”
I smile as I open the piece of paper to see in messy handwriting a series of numbers written. “Thank you.”
“I explained to her that we lost her number when you got a new phone. I think Rita is right and… that you need your friend. I’m sorry if we’re not getting this right, Sarah. Just know…” He sighs. “Just know that, we’re trying. We want what’s best and sometimes we don’t know. It will never be our intention to hurt you.”
“Thank you…” Do I call him ‘dad’ or just Richard? “Thank you for this. It means a lot.”
There’s good music playing on the radio on the way to school. Denise is totally feeling it in the back seat. She dances as much as her seatbelt will allow while not missing a single word from the lyrics. That added entertainment helps to bring my mood up another level. After we drop Denise off, Landon tells me he’s excited for my game tomorrow. We discuss soccer all the way up to the moment when we walk into the school building. There, we part ways as I go to my locker and he goes to join a group of his friends. I pass him again on the way to class and
wave. Unfortunately, I think Eric thought I was also waving at him. I guess it was a wave to everyone in general, but it was mostly just meant for Landon. My brother.
I smile to myself. I’m so used to being alone most of the time, it’s nice having a sibling at school. A part of me knows without a doubt, Landon is there for me. It makes going to school easier. I have Landon. Speaking of Landon, I giggle as I pass Rachel skipping down the hall toward him. I turn around to watch him wrap her in a hug and spin her around. I see what Denise was talking about. She’s been over to the house quite a bit and they clearly care about each other. Even if she does openly drool over Trent sometimes. I turn back around and walk into the classroom.
I’m surprised to find Noah already in the room. The first bell hasn’t even rung, so it’s still early. He’s usually the last one to walk in. He gives me a crooked smile as I head toward my seat next to him.
“Hey, you,” I greet him as I sit down, “You’re here early.”
He leans back in his seat and puts his hands behind his head. “I was hoping to get a few minutes with you. Alone.”
I smile. “Yeah, we don’t really get to talk.” I tilt my head in thought and voice out, “You know, we never talked before. Why?”
He shrugs, “We lived so far apart. We only met in person twice that I can remember, anyways…before, ya know, all this. Also, how were we going to keep in touch? You didn’t have social media. I wasn’t crazy about the idea of just talking on the phone to practically a stranger.”
I scoff. “Aunt Andrea called all the time, and we talked. She came to visit us every time there was a deal on flights.” I smile to myself. “She always wanted to talk to me on the phone.”
Noah sits up in his chair and makes an exasperated sound. “Guys don’t work that way. If you had had any social media accounts, we might’ve kept in touch. I guess now we know why your mo —why Cindy was so paranoid and strict about you and the internet.”
Mom. That’s what he had almost said. He was about to refer to Cindy as my mom. I still refer to her as my mom in my head, too. I’ve been making some progress on seeing Melissa as my mother.
Instead, I slip farther back by giving him a sad smile and saying, “You can still call her my mom. She did raise me. I know you struggle with calling me Sarah, and if it’s just us, I don’t mind hearing Olivia. Olivia is still what I call myself. Sarah seems…like a stranger. Honestly,” I take a deep breath, and in a helpless voice I continue, “I don’t know who I am, Noah.”
He nods, and I think he may honestly understand what I’m trying to say. He seems to be the only person who seems to get me. Maybe it’s because he knows both sides of the story.
Noah Wallace is probably the only person who can even begin to understand my struggle. I know I should be angry with Cindy but at the same time, I’m unable to hate her. I mean, I am angry with her, but I still think of her as my mother. It’s not easy to toss aside seventeen years of loving someone. Aside from kidnapping me, she was a great mom.
I’m so lost in my head that I’m startled when Noah wraps his arms around me. I didn’t even notice him get out of his seat. I’m stiff at first from the sudden envelopment, but then I relax and sink into him. I feel the strong chords of his muscles as they flex around me, tighten, holding me closer. I notice he’s the perfect size. Big enough to encircle me into his body but not to where I feel I’m overpowered and going to suffocate. I feel warmth through the cotton of his shirt and smell the clean laundry detergent. I turn my head to rest on his shoulder and nuzzle into his neck, welcoming the comfort that I didn’t realize I needed so desperately. I smell Irish Spring soap and a minor hint of a woodsy and spice scent. Maybe cologne? It’s a comforting smell, or maybe it’s just him. Everything about him from the feel of his strong arms, to the soft cotton of this shirt, to his steady breathing and all the clean warm senses enveloping me are comforting. I could easily stay like this for the rest of the day. He pulls back and looks intently into my eyes. His thumb wipes a stray tear from under my eye, and he gives me a sad smile.
“I’m sorry you’re going through this,” he whispers in a gravelly voice.
“You don’t have to feel sorry for me. Don’t feel any obligation, either. It’s a really messed up situation. The sad part is, I don’t know if I would change anything. I still love her. I’m glad I know the truth. I mean, I wonder if she would’ve ever told me the truth? I think the Randall family’s great, too. It’s just hard to leave Olivia behind and become Sarah overnight. That’s what this feels like. I don’t know who I am or who I want to be.”
The first bell rings. I gently push him back toward his seat and wipe my eyes. “I’m sorry. I just dumped all this on you first thing. What did you want to talk about?” I feel so foolish for having that little meltdown.
He leans toward my ear and I get goosebumps as I feel his warm breath. “Be you.” He leans back and looks into my eyes. “Just be you.” He goes to his seat and flops down like he didn’t just intently stare into my eyes and leave my whole body covered in goosebumps.
He casts me a crooked smile. “I just wanted to talk. I wanted to talk to you… Olivia? Sarah? Whoever the hell you are. I wanted to have a chance to talk to you about everything and nothing.” He stretches and I can’t help but notice his tan toned skin as his shirt lifts “Maybe we can get here early again tomorrow to discuss more of your identity crisis.” He gives another crooked smile and winks. I roll my eyes at him.
I fight a smile as I say, “Or… we can both get here early again tomorrow and just talk.”
He shrugs. “That’s what happened today. We got here early and talked. You picked the subject. If I’d picked the subject, we would’ve discussed why you’re so fixed up this morning.” He makes a point of looking me up and down rather dramatically.
I hold my hands out as I ask, “Do I really look that dressed up today? I must really have been letting myself go because almost everyone has commented on the fact that I curled my hair. I know I gave a little extra effort, but…did I really look that bad all week?”
Noah throws his head back and laughs.
I huff. “Okay, that laugh is making me nervous. Is it a joke that I didn’t notice how bad I looked?”
He stops laughing but his eyes sparkle and he’s smiling. “Nah, Liv. You haven’t looked bad all week.”
Liv. Did he just give me a new nickname? Why do I like it so much?
I go back to focusing on the topic at hand. I give him a doubtful look so he quickly continues. “The hair style does suit you and it’s a change from seeing it pulled back all week. Anyways, you never answered my question.”
The class has filled up now, so I whisper, “Are you in protective big cousin mode? Denise thinks I’ve met someone, so she was giving me the third degree as well. Is that where this is going?”
He raises an eyebrow. “Protective big cousin mode?”
“Ya know, like a big brother that might be concerned about me dating.” I chuckle to myself how ridiculous everyone is being.
Noah gives a small nod. “Okay.” He lets the front legs of the chair drop to the floor and leans on his elbows on his desk. “So, have you met someone that you’re interested in? If you haven’t gotten his attention yet, I’m sure you will today.”
I shrug and I’m about to tell him not really, but class begins.
In second hour, Rachel sits next to me. She tells me how cute I look and brings up homecoming. Of course, she asks if Trent’s coming home for homecoming weekend. Everyone is in a buzz for homecoming. I guess two weeks isn’t long enough yet to get in the school spirit. Rachel tells me how she’s probably going to say yes to any of the guys from our group if they ask her. I probably enjoyed that she actually said our group too much. I’m so lame. First today I was excited that Noah called me ‘Liv,’ and now I’m thrilled that I’m considered part of a group. From what I gather, they’ve all just about dated each other or used each other for dates for social events like this. However, mostly Rache
l and Landon always go as a couple.
The verdict is still out on what exactly their relationship is. She’s alone a lot with him in his room, but he doesn’t seem jealous when other guys flirt with her. He also isn’t phased over her infatuation with Trent. However, he is overly protective of her feelings and always showering her with attention. It breaks my heart to think maybe he’s pining for her, but she sees him as a casual or open relationship. I want to ask, but not sure if I’m to that point with our relationships. The curiosity is killing me!
After class, we find Landon outside the door, per routine now. Rachel asks Landon about Trent, but he merely rolls his eyes at her. My chest tightens as I watch intently for pain in his eyes. There’s a hint, but then he smiles lovingly at Rachel and wraps an arm around her.
“I’m sure he’s coming, but if you need a date…”
“I know,” she grins as she wraps her arms around his neck and jumps on his back, circling his waist with her legs, “I’ve got you Lanny!”
He laughs and reaches back to slap her behind. She kisses his cheek and nuzzles her face against his. “My forever date. Even if I marry your brother.”
“Oh my gosh! Get down!” He shakes her off, both of them laughing the entire time.
Tara is also caught up in the homecoming hype. She wants me to ask Noah if Jeff has a date. She’s asked me a few times about how I managed to hit it off with Noah so well. Apparently, he has a very selective group of friends. He especially doesn’t hang out with as many girls one on one as he has with me. The entire school has noticed and apparently, everyone is gossiping. Great. What nobody knows is this is only because we are…or were…cousins. I can’t help but wonder if we would’ve been friends if none of this had happened. If I had simply gone to school here all my life, would I have been friends with Noah or remained with Landon’s group? Noah seems popular as well but not like Landon. I’ve learned that Noah gained his popularity through sports rather than family status and being social. He plays football and runs track and is the star basketball player. Almost every girl has a crush on him, but surprisingly, he isn’t a player —in fact, he has only had two girlfriends. He’s smart and quiet and even with sports fame, he’s kind of a loner. Landon, on the other hand, is the loudest person in a room, only does track, is extremely intelligent, and hasn’t had a girlfriend because he doesn’t want the commitment. Or he’s in love with Rachel, who is in love with Trent. However, that doesn’t mean he hasn’t dated. He’s typically always seen with Rachel but there’ve been other girls in between. As far as I can tell, Landon Randall is at the top of the social ladder.