Reality Fix - Lucifer's Crown

by tantan

knocked into many tables in the process causing them to fall violently against the floor, enraging even more Einherjar, who promptly joined in the chase Peter flew to the safety of the roof and blew them a raspberry. "gna gna na na na na. You can't get me," he mocked them from above.

  This enraged the Einherjar even more, who started throwing their spears at him. They started chanting "Shish Kebab, Shish Kebab," and banging their spears on the floor before throwing them at him. Peter dodged the spears at extraordinary speeds and started swooping down towards them, his sword point held outwards. He changed his mind about holding the sword that way after the first one he hit dragged him down because of the weight. He changed the sword's position holding it outwards and charged. The sword changed to a blood red colour as more and more people came into his range. Droplets of blood fell on the floor making a pitter-patter noise that was strangely loud amidst the hullabaloo of the killing and the shouting. Last of all he chopped off the heads of the Einherjar whose sword he had stolen and landed with a satisfied nod of head.

  "I think I passed the fourth test," he said to Hearthoff.

  "Yes you did," said Hearthoff, his mouth open in awe. "You did that, and well. That sword is Excalibur".

  "Now who am I supposed to fight," moaned Thomas, "you've killed everyone here."

  "Aw! Sorry about that. Guess I got a bit carried away."

  A large lady came into view and looked at Thomas like she would at an insect. "I'll fight you," she said.

  "Mrs. Noggs," muttered Hearthoff, his voice laced with fear (there's always a Mrs. Noggs, no matter where you go). "Don't do it lad. You'll get clobbered. Find somebody else."

  "There's nobody else," said Mrs. Noggs giving Hearthoff a stare that made the evil eye look like an infant's temper tantrum.

  She took out her spear and hit Thomas with the shaft in the stomach, who thanks to the armour was able to stand up again in a few minutes. "I hope you're ready," she said.

  Thomas started running. "I can't fight a woman," he shouted. "Stop. Please"

  "You male chauvinist pig," yelled Mrs. Noggs, increasing her pace to catch up with Thomas.

  Thomas tried to fly but to no avail. He couldn't concentrate with Mrs. Noggs running behind him. This continued for fifteen minutes until Mrs. Noggs threw a spear at him, which missed Thomas' manhood by a centimetre, and effectively pinned him against the wall.

  "I think I've won," said Mrs. Noggs, and walked away to join a group of Valkyries who were gossiping in the corner.

  "You've passed lad," said Hearthoff looking at Thomas with concern after they had unpinned him. If you can last fifteen minutes against Mrs. Noggs then you're as good as a legion of Einherjar. "

  Peter and Thomas went to bed rehearsing in their minds how they would win the next test and best Hearthoff, or as most of the Einherjar called him – Thor, the God of Thunder.

  Enter: The Midgard Serpent

  In the living world on the ocean bed a pair of enormous emerald green eyes slowly opened. In the darkness, the eyes gave off an eerie light of their own. The eyes gradually blinked. The creature to whom the eyes belonged to gave off an enormous roar that could be heard for kilometres under the ocean's surface. The creature was thirty feet wide and twenty times that size in length. It had onyx blue scales and protruding razor sharp teeth. It slowly undulated its body until it was stretched out to its full length, shaking off centuries of debris from its massive body. It rose to the surface, like a hot knife slicing through butter. As it did it slowly shrunk in size and transformed into a roughly humanoid shape. When it reached the surface the transformation was complete.

  The Midgard Serpent was now a man with red hair, but with the same emerald green, vertically slit eyes. He swam towards the shore. A couple of fishermen laughed at his nakedness but were instantly silenced by his stare. They would have nightmares of that stare for years to come. They would never at look another person in the eyes again. The pale naked man walked towards the town. People gave him a wide berth wherever he went. He broke down the door of a small hovel and entered it. The men of the town, ashamed of their cowardice formed a small group with fishing spears and nets and went after him. But, to their good fortune there was no one inside. The Midgard Serpent had disappeared.

  Follow the Yellow Brick Road

  "All right, ladies! Time we got moving," drawled Shorty. He was dressed like a cowboy, complete to a hand rolled cigarette placed at the corner of his mouth (stereotypes dominate the Afterlife). Two revolvers were slung at his side and his hat was placed lopsided on his head.

  "We're ready," said Mary. "Let's go. I can't wait to reach there. Imagine, China! That's as far away from anyplace I know that I can think of."

  "Its not that far away," said Anne. "Australia's farther".

  "Well…yes. But China's more exotic, and that adds to the distance too doesn't it. The more exotic the place the farther away it must be."

  Anne thought about this for a minute. "That actually makes sense," she said finally.

  They carried a backpack each, and Shorty had loaded a mule with all the camping gear they'd need. Tent equipment, mats, cooking equipment, everything that the three of them could think of to make one week of travelling pass as comfortably as it could.

  "All right. Now remember. Place this firmly in your mind. We are gong to reach China in one week. Believe it with your heart and soul," instructed the gunslinger.

  "Yes, Sir," the two girls chorused.

   They began their journey, Shorty leading with the mule, followed by the two girls dressed in hats and comfortable cotton dresses. Utopia frowned upon women wearing male clothing, much to Mary's chagrin. After about ten minutes they had left the city. Their pace was phenomenally fast. Houses and people zoomed by. The road seemed to move, to push them on as if it were a living thing. They never left the road.

  "Follow the Yellow Brick Road in case we get separated," Shorty had said to them earlier. "It's that simple. There's no need for a map in the Afterlife. You can't get lost with roads like these. Wherever you have to go, you always follow the Yellow Brick Road."

  They reached The Desert in less than an hour. Waves of heat rose though the air in the distance. The sun made it impossible to look upwards in any direction. Snakes and insects passed by the road on the sands bordering it.

  "Now remember," said Shorty, "You are not hot. It's a nice spring morning. It just looks like it's hot. It's an illusion. Or Maya as the Indians call it. Don't let it capture you."

  They carried on with their journey in the monotonous Desert. The only change in the scenery was the sun slowly moving across the sky and finally setting. The monotonous sounds of footsteps soon put them all into a trance like state that made them unaware of the passage of time. When it was dark Shorty called a halt ordered them to make camp.

  "It's a lot easier to forget about the heat than the cold. We'll carry on with the journey in the morning. In the meantime I'll set up a fire while you put up the tents," he said.

  Mary and Anne hammered in the pegs into some hard ground by the side of the road and quickly set up the tents, tying all the ropes in place. And so, the first day of their journey in the Desert ended. It looked to be a very monotonous journey. They would soon be wishing that it had been.

  The Riddle-Hater

  The Midgard Serpent wandered outside the walls of Valhalla until it heard a thumping noise in the distance. It was hungry. It went to investigate. Perhaps the thumping belonged to something it could eat. Over the hill it noticed a lion with the head of a woman. The head was decked in an Egyptian head dress. The Midgard Serpent followed the strange monster. The monster, on hearing the Midgard Serpent approach licked its lips and approached.

  "Guess my name," it said in a soft voice, "and I will not eat you. If you fail however," and it patted its stomach.

  The Midgard Serpent stared the Sphinx in the eye, making the Sphinx look away in terror. "You won't have a name" it said.

  "Of course I do," said the Sphinx. "Everything has
a name".

  "You misheard me," replied the Serpent. "It doesn't matter what your name is at the moment, because soon you won't need a name." The Midgard Serpent then charged forward. The confrontation lasted a few seconds. The Midgard Serpent wrung the Sphinx's human neck until it had lost all its life force, and quickly devoured it.

  "A mere appetiser," said the Serpent mournfully, and then went in search of more prey. It soon found an enormous frost giant having a siesta. It woke up the frost giant.

  "I suppose you want me to guess your name before you eat me," it said.

  "Yes" said the frost giant in astonishment, stretching its massive arms and yawning, "how did you know?"

  "People here seem to have some kind of name fetish. I'm going to make this easy. I don't know your name. So, come on. Let's get this over with quickly."

  The frost giant took out an enormous axe and swung it at the Midgard Serpent's head.

  "I don't like the heads," it explained, "They're too crunchy. And the brains taste yuck."

  "Well. You won't be crunching on anything," said the Midgard Serpent in its calm voice, crushing the giant in a bear hug. The axe fell onto the ground, shaking the land with its impact. The giant itself was silent. After a few more minutes the Midgard Serpent released its hold on the giant and ate with relish. "Now this is definitely the main course. Don't think I'll have any dessert."

  Don't Mess With Thor!

  Thomas and Peter woke up