Reality Fix - Lucifer's Crown

by tantan

"Shouldn't I say what I want first?" he asked, looking down on the lady who was at that moment measuring his waist size.

  "Not necessary," she grinned. "Two coats, five cravats, one pair of boots, four pairs of pants, four pairs of shirts, and a hat."

  "Spot on!" Thomas said in wonder. After choosing the particulars of the coat, the cravat, boots, etc. Thomas left the store with his arm around Guan Yu."

  "I think I like it here. Let's go get some wine!"

  "Aren't we supposed to buy you a weapon as well?"

  "We'll do that after drinking."

  "All right," Guan Yu eager for a drink after the four hours of shopping with Thomas.

  They entered the bar and Thomas ordered two big jars of rice wine and a table full of food.

  As they got progressively drunker, the bar room became fuller. Thomas kept buying drinks for everyone else, determined that everyone should share in his joy of getting new clothes, like a proud parent.

  "Did I ever tell you," asked Thomas half leaning off his chair, "that my ancestors were pirates?"

  Guan Yu glared at him. "I don't like pirates," he bellowed.

  "Yes! Yes! Calm down. Nobody likes pirates. I 'm not proud of my ancestry myself. Just trying to make conversation, that's all."

  "Well," Guan Yu said, "I once got wounded. They had to operate on my arm. I got so bored I spent the whole time playing solitaire. I would have played something else if I had the use of my other arm. But the doctors weren't skilled enough to operate on a moving arm."

  "Ah yes. Very interesting," Thomas drawled. "I lasted ten minutes in a fight against Mrs. Noggs."

  Guan Yu overturned the table. "You lie!" he shouted. "Nobody, especially an effeminate weakling like you, could last ten minutes against Mrs. Noggs. Why, I lost my arm, for the second time, to her after a thirty second encounter."

  "You can ask Hearthoff."

  "I will not be ordered around by the likes of lying vermin like you!" Guan Yu bellowed. "Draw your sword."

  "I don't have one… I left it at the Khan's camp remember? That's why we're going to buy one now," Thomas said slowly to the inebriated Chinese man.

  "Well then, take this one," Guan Yu grabbed a sword from a terrified man in the corner and held it out to Thomas.

  "Swings too much to the left. I don't like it," Thomas sword throwing the sword away, nearly severing someone's head off. He was pretty drunk too.

  "How about this one?" Guan Yu grabbed another sword.

  "No…Too light! What do you say we go buy a weapon now, and fight after that." He had no intention of doing anything of the sort, even in his drunken haze.

  Guan Yu paused to think this over. "All right. Makes sense. Lets pay a visit to Ms. Destruction's shop. She makes the best weapons in these parts."

  They walked for a few minutes and found the shop.

  "Weapons of Ms. Destruction. Yes, that's the one" Guan Yu said.

  [Note: It was right opposite an empty shop bearing a sign saying 'Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction' ,a shop that had mysteriously shown up one day from God knows where, or when.]

  "Good afternoon, gentlemen," Ms. Destruction came to the front desk to meet them. She crinkled her nose at the smell of wine. "How may I be of service to you?"

  Ms. Destruction carried a huge hammer that was at least as big as she was (which was around five feet). There was a blacksmith's apron draped around her waist, and the sounds of anvils and bellows could be heard coming from the forge in the back.

  "My friend here…" Guan Yu said.

  "Can speak for himself," Thomas said angrily. "I want to buy a sword."

  "You've come to the right place," Ms. Destruction looked Thomas up and down. "Perhaps a rapier…"

  "No," said Thomas. "I want a sword. One of those katana thingys that Akio has."

  Just then, Thomas saw a strange gleam coming from one of the katanas displayed on a side wall.

  "I want that one," he said.

  "That is the blade of the White Devil. Fitting that you should choose it. He left it here saying that the blade would choose its next wielder. You may have it for free. Now go… my apprentices get lazy when I'm not around."

  Ms. Destruction handed him the sword, and went back to the forge. The sound of yelling and things being thrown could be heard, followed by the rhythmic sound of hammering.

  "Now we can fight," Thomas said reluctantly to Guan Yu.

  "Not yet" he mumbled, turning an interesting shade of green. "I think I'm going to be seeing my breakfast soon."

  Warning: Chapter Contains the Highly Hazardous Word: 'String Theory'

  "Why can't we use the Immortals, Guan Yu and the Jade Emperor's soldiers? I still don't understand…" Thomas asked Hearthoff, not for the first time. They had been busy planning strategy in the Cloud Palace.

  "Because… like I've told you for the umpteenth time, we can't. Reality won't allow it. Their attacks will have no effect on the demons."

  "Why?" asked Thomas.

  "How should I know? Only Reality itself would know that. Why don't you ask it?" Hearthoff said sarcastically.

  "Maybe I can help," Shorty nodded at Hearthoff. "Reality at this point of time is moving towards chaos. It cannot stabilise itself. I don't know why. But for some reason Reality has chosen the four of you kids to realign its net, and again I don't know why. Why would Reality choose you. Was it random or do you four possess some quality Reality deems necessary for this task?"

  "You're talking about reality like it's alive and thinking," Thomas said.

  "But it is alive," Shorty answered. "Sentient. Do you think things stay the way they are on their own. Do you think gravity just chooses, all by its own, to exist? A few sceptics would answer this with 'physics'. But it is only through Reality that the elements of physics exist in the first place. If you don't succeed in your task, then, first things are going to go horribly wrong here in the Afterlife. and finally chaos will run rampant through the whole universe. Reality's net will shatter and the universe's very existence would be in jeopardy. Needless to say the science of physics would be turned on its head. According to string theory…"

  "How does killing some demons save Reality?" interrupted Thomas, not understanding a word Shorty had just said.

  "Well… I don't know. I think Hearthoff knows the answer to that, but whether he'll answer…"

  "Aye, I'll answer your question, lad," Hearthoff said quietly. "Reality has put her stamp on you four as the ones destined to save it. That's how Merlin and I found you. Merlin was responsible for bringing the girls here, and I brought you two," he gestured to Peter and Thomas. "As to why, I am as much in the dark as Shorty is. Your only task is to destroy the demons. That's all Reality has asked of you. As to how I know, well let's just say that I know and leave it at that, shall we? Destroying the demons will set reality in proper motion again."

  "So Reality is really a moving sentient spider web?" asked Thomas still confused by what Shorty had said.

  "You could say that," Hearthoff answered back. "Now, just concentrate on coming up with tactics for the battle."

  "The rest can't help at all?" asked Thomas still not too sure what they were talking about. Come up with tactics? Him?

  "Well, we could send the Immortals as target practise for the demons, to see how good their aim is."

  "I think we would object to that," said Lu Dongbin walking in. "You have not told him of the portals?"

  "He doesn't need to know," Hearthoff glared at Lu Dongbin. "The portals are my responsibility."

  "You will need all the help with the portals you can get," Lu Dongbin looked at Hearthoff. He then gestured to Thomas and Peter to listen. "These demons enter into this world from portals that were created not too long ago when the light of a certain star reached (or should I say reaches?) the instruments of a certain scientist in the year 2014 a.d."

  "So," said Peter jumping in, "something from the future created all these portals to show up in the Afterlife of the past?"

  "The portal
s were created in all the times of the Afterlife. The demons just chose to come here and now, as if they were called by something." Lu Dongbin looked at Hearthoff. "Legend says that the Monkey King once stole the crown of the demon king as a bet, and hid it here in the Afterlife, in this time period. That crown was said to possess tremendous amounts of demonic energy. Perhaps that is what draws the demons to this place."

  "This monkey chap seems like a right clever creature to me to steal the crown of the Demon King, from right over his nose," Hearthoff said grinning. "Perhaps if we had him on our side we wouldn't have any problems with the demons, or the portals, or anything. But alas, these stories are just stories. Monkeys! Hmph!"

  Lu Dongbin shrugged and went away.

  "So, lad!" Hearthoff turned to Thomas. "You remember that long journey we took to get to Peter's village? I was busy determining where the deepest cuts to Reality's net were. Where the strongest portals were being formed you could say. China is by far the strongest. Once we shut this one down Reality should be able to heal itself. So, let's forget about all this monkey nonsense and come up with some strategy for tomorrow's battle. Once we beat these demons we can shut down the portal and get back to our lives."

  Hydras, Worms, Sphinxes, Giants, Sadistic School Teachers and Overcharging Taxi Drivers

  The Serpent looked at the Sphinx. "I have seen you before," he murmured. "You asked me what your name was. Did you remember your name?"

  "One of my sisters perhaps. I come from a big family," the Sphinx replied nervously.

  The Serpent looked her up and down. "All right. You may fight by my side. Stand in the line on