Maris is leaning against the picnic table next to me as we observe Jennings, Brad, and Kevin teach Frisbee to Brad and Meadow’s kids.
Rainey comes up with Meadow and demands, “What did we miss?”
I laugh, because this reminds me of the good memories of my time here—of girlfriends and laughter. Things I never really had until I lived here because I never had anyone who cared enough about me to pull me from my books until Maris. “We were just admiring the view,” I say blandly.
“Impressive, isn’t it?” Maris remarks.
I shrug nonchalantly before giving up all pretense. “Why is it men get better-looking as they age?” I demand.
Maris snickers as Meadow chokes on the sip of beer she just swallowed. Rainey grins. “It’s supremely annoying, isn’t it? I mean, here we’re the ones who push out their kids, and they’re the ones who…Oh, God.” Her eyes widen.
“What?” I demand. Turning in the direction of Rainey’s gaze, I go stock-still.
“Sweet baby Jesus,” Meadow wheezes out.
“Need help finding your voice?” Maris taunts me.
But I can’t speak. Jennings has pulled his shirt off and is using it to wipe the sweat from his face. He’s laughing openly at something Brad yelled which I can’t hear. I doubt I’d be able to understand the words anyway, my every thought is so scrambled.
“You all right, Kara?” Rainey asks, concerned.
Just then, Kevin runs over to his father and tackles him, causing the Frisbee Brad flung carelessly in his direction to go sailing overhead. Jennings shouts, “Oh, so that’s how you want to play it, son?”
“Bring it on, old man!” Kevin laughs. Rolling over, he reaches down for his father’s hand to help him stand.
Jennings grabs him in a headlock and rubs his head with his knuckles until Kevin’s laughter rings out with his surrender. “I give! I give!” Spotting me, he cries out, “Mom, come save me!”
I may be rooted to the spot, but I force my lips to work. “You got yourself into this predicament, sweetheart. Only one way out that I can see.”
“How’s that?” Kevin calls plaintively.
“By admitting age, treachery, and deceit will always overcome youth, skill, and ability,” Jennings declares as he loosens his hold. Keeping an arm hooked over Kevin’s shoulder, he tosses a wink at me over his shoulder before leading Kevin back toward the other kids.
I’m still motionless as the other women come up to huddle next to me. “Are you all right?” Maris semi-repeats Rainey’s question.
Turning away from the sight of everything I’ve ever wanted, I shake my head even as I admit, “I don’t think I’m going to be the same ever again.”
Even as the perpetually strained expression lifts from Meadow’s face, Rainey squeals in delight, and Maris tips her head back toward the cerulean blue sky, lips moving. Her expression is pained and so beautiful it makes my heart hurt in that same way when we’re talking of our brothers. So, I gently prod, “What are you saying?”
But before she answers, she hauls me next into her arms for a powerful hug. “I’m thanking Jed for giving you this—the thing you’ve been missing for sixteen years.”
“What’s that?” I ask, confused because despite what I feel growing for Jennings, I wouldn’t say my life’s been lacking. Quite the contrary, I’ve had Kevin. I’ve been the one who’s been blessed.
“You have a chance at a once-in-a-lifetime love that…” Maris starts before I interrupt.
“Technically, it would be twice,” I correct her, much to Rainey and Meadow’s amusement.
She rolls her eyes before gripping my shoulders. “Fine, Ms. Technicality, twice-in-a-lifetime love. Most people don’t have the ability for the first; don’t waste this gift on old fears, Kara.”
“I agree,” Meadow jumps in. “We’ve been hoping this would happen.” I jerk my head in her direction, but not before hers ducks. There’s something off with her, but Rainey just shakes her head. Mentally, I shrug. Maybe in time.
But that just reminds me of what I don’t have. Time.
“I’m terrified,” I admit to my friends. And I jerk against Maris when I realize, despite the years, Jed gave me this back too—a sisterhood of women who understand the call this wild land has on your soul. And the grip of the men whose hearts match it. Both are so compelling, it’s impossible to separate one from the other, I think with a bit of sadness as I explain.
“Where can this go? We’ll be going across the country from each other again at the end of the summer. I have a job; Kevin has school.” And the weight of that wants to crush every moment of joy I feel with Jennings because it’s what happened all those years ago being played out all over again. This time, though, I’m the one holding back and being practical in the face of love.
“You’re not dead,” Maris snaps. “He’s alive and so are you. The rest are just excuses.”
I gasp at the harshness of her words.
“While how Maris said it is brutal—” Rainey glares at her, but her voice softens. “—she’s not wrong, Kara. You’ve both been existing—why not live?”
“Because living eventually leads to dying.” The words are torn from me. Everyone around me freezes. “If I don’t give in to this, if I don’t love him, I don’t have to worry about when it’s going to…”
“Wind up in a twenty-two-car pileup? Even if that’s only in your heart?” Maris wraps her arms around me immediately. “God, honey. I’m so sorry. I’ve been so selfish grieving, I just assumed you were too.”
“I am. Jennings is helping.” Knowing faces beam at me from different directions. They’re all wearing different smiles from sweet to outright smirks when I clarify, “He’s listened to me and Kevin talk about Dean and Jed; it’s been good for all of us.”
“And here I thought she was going to mention the fact the sleepovers I was so generous to offer with Kevin were helping.” Maris’s lips twitch.
I punch her as Rainey and Meadow laugh. Then, why not? “No, that’s not hurting by any stretch of the imagination, but honest to God?” They all nod, and I let out a sigh. “How am I going to deal with leaving a second time with his son?”
Rainey steps forward and puts her hand over my heart. “Can I offer you some advice?” Without waiting for a response, she goes on. “Let this guide you instead of your head. If you do, it will lead you wherever you’re supposed to be. And that’s especially true with Jennings.”
I nod, too overwhelmed to speak.
But someone else isn’t.
“Listen! If the cheering squad is going to put on a show like that, this match is going to end sooner rather than later!” Brad yells across the yard right before he flings the Frisbee into Jennings’s chest.
Jennings doesn’t bother to catch it. It plunks heedlessly to the ground because he’s stalking toward me, a predatory look on his face.
Listen to my heart, Rainey said. Without thinking, I take off in his direction at a jog. He picks up his pace until soon we meet in the middle where he circles my waist with his arms and swings me around in a circle. I laugh, heedless of the cheers from the girls which are undoubtedly louder for this display than any the guys did while playing.
“Jennings? What are you doing? Get back here!” Brad yells as all of the kids swarm him from all directions chanting, “Forfeit! Forfeit!”
“Give it up!” Jennings yells back. For my ears only, he murmurs, “I’ve already got the things I need to make me feel like a man.”
Reaching up, I quickly brush my lips against Jennings when I hear Kevin yell, “God, how do you deal with your parents kissing? I’ve lived fifteen years without being subject to this. Gross.”
“Well, if we’re going to be persecuted.” Jennings’s words come out as a statement, but they’re really a question.
One I answer by rising up on my toes and tugging his mouth down to mine.
I feel like heaven is close. This kiss is perfect in every way imaginable.
The cool Alas
kan air.
Jennings’s beard leaving marks against my skin as he deepens the kiss.
Our son standing twenty feet away acting like nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
Hoots and hollers all around us. And the loudest coming from inside my heart as I know the brother of my blood and of Jennings’s soul are applauding the loudest.
When we break apart, Jennings is breathing hard. “What brought this on?”
And I tell him simply, “I felt like flying with the only man I’ll ever trust to take me,” before I let him go and walk back to my girls knowing his eyes are on me the whole way.
When I reach them, I turn to find him still standing there, a crooked smile on his face.
Jennings
“I don’t know how you can eat that.” Kevin points to my overflowing plate of chicken-fried steak and eggs.
“What’s wrong with what I’m having?” I demand as I fork up another bite. There are few things I miss about living on a farm, but the food my aunt used to make is one of them.
“Nothing,” my son reassures me. “I mean, I really don’t know where you’re going to put it all.” He lifts his much more manageable English muffin sandwich to his mouth and takes a large bite.
We both grin at each other with mouths filled with food.
Kara continued to sit at the counter when Kevin announced it was “Man time, Mom. You really don’t want to join us.” Instead I think I’m the one who crapped in his pants a little.
My first time out with my son. What if I just wasn’t as cool without his beloved mom around? Kara must have seen the look of terror on my face because she reassured me, “Just call me if there are any problems. I’ll have my cell phone on.”
As we pulled away from the Smiths’, I caught sight of Kara in the rearview mirror on the front deck waving. It settled my stomach more than anything else could, the knowledge she trusts me completely with our son.
Pulling up at a stop sign, I took my eyes off the road. Kevin was rubbing his wrist the same way I’d seen Kara do a million times—a clear tell there’s something he’s anxious about. So, casually I asked, “What’s up, son? Something the matter?”
“I’m not sure. I just got a funny feeling about leaving Mom at home.”
Not moving the car, I asked him, “But you don’t feel that way when it’s me and your mom out?”
He snorted. “No. I see enough of you two kissing, I think I’ll be traumatized if I see any more.”
“Then, why don’t you text her so she knows we’re thinking about her?” I laid my hand across his hand, the way I’ve done with Kara. His head twisted until our faces were even. There was worry, but something substantially more vulnerable, behind his green eyes. “This way she can be completely jealous we’re eating at Donna’s.”
His brows lowered. “Who’s Donna?”
“Not a ‘who’ but a ‘what.’ It’s a diner not too far from here. They make a great breakfast.”
We’re currently squished in a little two-top to one side of the bar with my back to the door. Kara’s amusing response to our text made Kevin laugh, which is what I was hoping it would do. I appreciate you letting me know, sweetheart, because now I want a sausage, egg, and cheese muffin. That means moving from the couch. The emoji with the tongue sticking out emphasized her opinion of us for sending it.
This time with Kevin makes me feel like a superhero, which may be why I ordered like I could eat like one. So, I only groan when Kevin asks, “So, what’s our plans for today? What’s for lunch?”
“Seriously? You expect me to eat again after this?” I point down to the half a plate of food I’ve yet to consume.
And I’m delighted when Kevin leans over with his fork and steals a bite of the chicken-fried steak from my plate. “Umm, definitely better than eating at the Crack.”
I had just taken a drink of coffee and sputter it back into my cup. “What the hell is the Crack?”
Kevin grins and wham! His—my—dimple pops out on the side. His voice is teasing when he says, “You can’t tell me you’ve never eaten at a Cracker Barrel. That’s just wrong. They’re like everywhere,” he emphasizes dramatically, before he yoinks another bite of my food.
I burst out laughing. “The Crack,” I murmur appreciatively. “Where did you get your sense of humor from, Kevin?”
He chews, takes a drink of soda, and then says, “I don’t know. Uncle Dean and Jed for sure. They were both funny. My friends are great too—Brooks especially.”
“What about your mom?”
“Yeah, but not as much as the others. Mom’s a mom, Jennings. I mean, she’s the one who tells me to do homework, cooks, does laundry, cleans—”
“And you don’t help with any of that?” God, by the time I was his age, I was out in the fields every morning helping feed the stock by 5:00 a.m. before I headed to class.
“Well, sure. But she wants me to focus on school, sports, and friends. She used to say I had plenty of time to grow up. Now, she doesn’t say it as much anymore.”
He puts his sandwich down and leans his forearms on the table. It’s a Jed posture to the extreme, and I’m so glad Kara hasn’t corrected it out of him when he asks, “There’s actually a reason I wanted to talk to you alone today.”
I feel the chicken-fried steak churn in my stomach. But calmly, I place the fork and knife to the side of my plate. “Okay. What’s up?”
He swallows hard before opening his mouth. His hand tentatively reaches for mine. I reach across the table and grab his. “Jennings, do you know…”
We’re interrupted by Meadow, who happens to be our waitress. “Is there anything else I can get for you guys? Kevin, I know there’s some freshly baked…”
“Not right now,” I bite out. Kevin’s arm slides away from mine. I can literally feel the loss as if the weight of his arm were physically being ripped from my skin. “That all. Thanks, Meadow,” I curtly dismiss our friend.
She nods and moves away. Turning my attention back to Kevin, his face is stark white. I reach back across the table, unashamed. “Kevin? What is it? What’s wrong?”
“This is impossible to talk about. It was a stupid idea.” He tries to brush it off.
“Nothing this important is stupid,” I say quietly, not letting go.
Kevin struggles in front of me before finally blurting out, “Winnie the Pooh.” Then he bites his lip so hard, I’m afraid he’s going to break the skin.
“What about Winnie the Pooh, son?” I prod him.
“There’s a quote from Winnie the Pooh that someone gave to me after Uncle Dean died. It’s ‘If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart. I’ll stay there forever.’” He struggles with his words, and I just wait patiently while he sorts them out in his head. “Uncle Dean was my dad,” he declares stoutly.
And as much as that statement causes a hurt deep inside that will never close up, I nod because I know it’s the truth.
“Am I letting him go, because I want to call you ‘Dad’ now?” And right in front of my eyes, the man slips away and I see the little boy who Dean Malone got to raise. I’m being given this terrible burden of childhood vulnerability because another man my son loved with his whole heart died in order to receive it.
What the hell do I say?
“Kevin,” I start out slowly, carefully choosing each word. “You’re not letting Dean go.” I can’t call him “Uncle” in this situation. To do so is a disservice to the role Dean played in my son’s life. “No matter where you go, he will be right there with you. Always,” I emphasize.
“Then how do I make room to love you too?”
“I…don’t know, son. I don’t know the answer to that.” I decide to take a page out of Kara’s book and not lie to him.
“I didn’t realize how much it was going to hurt, Dad—letting Uncle Dean go and letting you in.” My teeth clench with the need to cry over hearing my son say those words to me.
“Why?” I rasp. “Can you tell m
e that?”
He nods. When he lets go of my hand to reach for a napkin, I feel the loss like someone actually cut off a limb. Then my heart beats faster after he blows his nose and grabs my hand again, the tissue clutched between our clasped hands. With a voice that’s completely unstable, I laugh when I tease him gently, “You’re such a guy.” When he frowns, I nod to our hands.
Sheepishly, he loosens his grip and the tissue drops to the table. “Oops. Let’s not tell Mom that one.”
“That’ll remain a secret between us,” I assure him. Meanwhile my heart is careening out of control. My first secret with my son and it’s a snot-filled tissue. I want to shove it in my pocket and bronze it. “I love you, Kevin. I hope to God you know that.” The words rush out of me.
He nods. “I know.” My heart falls when he doesn’t say it back. “I couldn’t fathom loving someone back the same way. I was terrified after losing Uncle Dean. Then, I wasn’t sure how I felt about you, about all of this. But you came along and you were, well. You.”
God, he’s going to break me before the end of this, I just know it. “What does that mean?”
“You’re mine, Dad. No matter where I am, no matter where you are, you’re always going to be there, just like Uncle Dean was, right?” His voice warbles. We sit there for a moment, father and son, not saying a word but bonding in a way that’s as deep as if I had held him from moment he came into this world.
Because in a sense, maybe we both were just reborn.
“You’re damn right I will be.” Shoving to my feet, I pull him out of his chair and wrap him in a hug. “I love you, son,” I repeat into his hair.
“I…” There’s a hesitation. My heart beats fast knowing the internal struggle that’s happening inside. I just squeeze him tighter. He relaxes in my hold before sighing out the rest. “Love you too, Dad.”
I don’t know how long we stand there locked in our embrace before I say gruffly, “What do you say we get out of here?”
Clearing his throat, Kevin ducks his head. “That sounds good.”
I reach into my back pocket, pull out my wallet, fish out a couple of twenties, and toss them on the table to cover our bill plus Meadow’s tip. Then, pulling out the keys, I hook an arm around my son’s shoulders. “Let’s figure out what we’re doing for the rest of the day, kid.”
Return by Air (Glacier Adventure Series Book 1) Page 22