“C’mon, Kevin,” she said with as much calmness as she could muster. She waited for him to stand up as well, then gave her mother a tight smile. “Thank you for your time, Mrs. Kapoor.”
She left the boardroom and headed straight for the elevators. Kevin kept worried eyes on her as they traveled back down to the ground floor. She marched out of the building and down the stairs to her car. He barely closed the door before she zoomed away from the curb. She was unwinding, unravelling at the speed of light. How was it possible that she was considered to be a genius and yet her brain couldn’t seem to wrap around anything that just happened? How was it possible that she knew the ins and outs of biochemistry and yet she couldn’t understand something as simple as her father not being her father? She just needed time to process it, that’s all. Just a few hours and she would be able to make sense of it and then this pain would go away.
“Jasmin,” Kevin said apprehensively, “whatever the fuck you’re doing in your head, just stop it. Just…just let yourself feel it. It’s okay to feel it.”
She ignored him because he didn’t know what he was talking about. What exactly did he want her to feel? Was it rejection? Betrayal? Abandonment? Or the fact that her own mother saw her as a mistake? Because, really, if that’s what he was referring to, she would prefer being numb. She zipped through traffic, weaving her way through the cars.
“Jasmin, slow down.”
She noticed that he was tense, gripping onto the seat, but she couldn’t ease her foot off the accelerator. She just wanted to put as much as distance as she could between herself and a foolish dream she’d once had.
“Slow down…please.”
It was only when she heard the fear in his voice that she came to her senses. He’d been in a traumatic car accident and she was speeding like a maniac.
“I’m sorry.” She took her foot off the pedal and slowed down to below the speed limit. She needed to get off the road because she was in no state to be driving. It took eight minutes before she spotted a motel and she immediately turned right into the parking lot. She took out her cell phone and handed her knapsack to Kevin.
“Check us in,” she said, opening the door.
She waited for him to be out of earshot before she frantically scrolled through her phone for the number she wanted.
“Hello, Bhajia.”
His happy tone immediately set her off. How could he be happy when he’d been lying to her for nineteen years? “So is that why you didn’t want me to talk to her? Because you didn’t want me to find out that you’re not my real father?”
She couldn’t see his face, but his breathing became heavier. “Jasmintha, what did your mother tell you?”
“Everything! So many lies, Da—” She stopped herself because she didn’t know what to call him anymore. “You blackmailed her so that she wouldn’t contact me. That should have been my choice…But it doesn’t matter. She doesn’t want me anyway.” Her voice was beginning to crack, squeaking with the emotion she was trying to bury. “I was just a burden to her…and you.”
“You were never a burden to me,” he said quickly.
She couldn’t take his lies anymore. His words always contradicted his actions.
“I am,” she argued. “That’s why you’re never around…why you always make excuses to not spend time with me. If…if I were your real daughter…things would have been different. I’m sure you would have made the time if I weren’t some bastard child who was basically dumped on your doorstep.”
That stunned him into silence for a few moments. “How…” His voice was thick and strained, as if she’d just kicked him in the gut. “How can you say that?”
“Because it’s the truth! None of you ever cared about me. Not you. Not her. Not my real father, whoever the hell he is.”
“Bhajia, please listen to me…Your mother has a way of manipulating the truth and—”
She saw Kevin opening a door to one of the motel rooms and hung up. There were only so many lies she could bear. She didn’t even bother to take the bags out of the car, just marched straight past him and into the bathroom.
“Jasmin—”
She ignored him and slammed the door shut. Once she was inside, in a safe little cocoon, she slumped against the door and slid down to the floor. It came all at once. No buildup. No easing into it. It hit her with a cataclysmic force and she couldn’t stop it. For the second time in eight years, the second time on this trip—she cried. Hard, aching wails. Tears flowed ceaselessly. Eight years’ worth. Every broken promise. Every pitiful excuse. Every shattered dream. It flowed. Every meal she’d eaten alone. Every movie she’d watched by herself. Every Christmas decoration she’d hung up on her own. It flowed. Every nanny who left without a second thought. Every friend she never had. Every person who confirmed the same thing: she wasn’t worth their time. It flowed.
She’d conquered loneliness many years ago, but this wasn’t loneliness.
Desolate: to be deserted of people and in a state of bleak and dismal emptiness. That’s how she felt. Desolate.
She heard a thump and knew that Kevin had seated himself outside the door, just like he’d done outside that restroom in Utah. It took almost half an hour before her throat loosened enough for her to speak and she knew he hadn’t moved in that time.
“I wish I never drove down here, Kevin,” she said loud enough for him to hear her through the door. “I wish I just bought a plane ticket and came here completely oblivious. That way…I wouldn’t have met women like…Connie. She was working two jobs so Beth could go to college, remember?”
“I remember.”
“Or…like Loretta…who makes popcorn strings and hot chocolate for her kids…or like your mom…I haven’t met her, but she calls just to check in on you because she worries about you. I wish I didn’t know that before I walked into that boardroom. This would have been so much easier if I didn’t know what a real mother is supposed to be like.” She sighed heavily, thinking back on the conversation earlier. “She said I was a mistake.”
“You’re not.”
“She said that if she left me with my real father, I would’ve been a drug addict. She made it seem like she did me a favor, but the fact is that she still would have left me. It didn’t really matter who it was with. She just wanted to get rid of me.” With a slight groan, she knocked her head against the door. “At least I met one person who doesn’t treat me differently because I’m a genius. You know…I…I actually thought she’d be proud of me…I wanted her to be proud of me.” The tears were starting up again. “I thought she’d say…my girl…my girl did all that. I thought she’d be proud of me.”
“You don’t need her validation, Jazz. She’s a douche.”
She stood up and when she opened the door, he was already standing as well. “She is a douche,” she agreed and his hand came up to her face to wipe the moisture off her cheeks.
“I want you to know that as soon as she opened her mouth, I scratched her off my cougar list.”
She gave him half a smile. “Do you regret it?”
“A little. But there are some sacrifices I’m willing make…Come here.” He pulled her towards him, encapsulating her in the strength of his arms—a pillar to lean on for a few heart-wrenching moments.
Lifting up onto her toes, she held him tighter and kissed him. Although hesitant, he kissed her back. She walked backwards until the back of her knees hit the bed, only breaking the kiss for the second it took to tug her sweater over her head.
“Jasmin…this was a really shitty day for you, but you need to find a way of dealing with what happened. Sex isn’t going to solve anything.”
“I know. Tomorrow…I’ll think about it tomorrow.” Her hands went to his jeans, unfastening the button and tugging down the zip. “But tonight…I want you to wrap me in your arms and make it go away. Tonight I wanna feel like nothing else exists except you.” She caught the edges of his sweatshirt and he lifted his arms so she could pull it off. “I know you don’
t love me, Kevin…but for tonight…can you make me feel like you do?” She squeezed her eyes tight in a vain attempt to hold back the tears and pressed her mouth against his chest. “Can you do that?”
He pushed slightly, gently easing her onto the bed. “Yeah,” he whispered, brushing his lips against hers. “I can definitely do that.”
And he did. All night.
December, 5
Atlanta, Georgia
The last few days hadn’t been easy. The day after she’d met her mother, Jasmin had driven from that small motel to the South Star Hotel in Georgia. With all these unwanted feelings swirling inside her, she just wanted to be surrounded by something familiar. She was still struggling to get a hold of herself, but at least here she knew what to expect—the food, the service. Something small, but it was the only thing in her life that she felt she had some control over.
The callousness of her mother was something she could accept over time. It was the lies of her father that she couldn’t forgive. He couldn’t be blamed for her mother abandoning her, but it was his fault that they’d stayed apart. He’d kept her mother away from her, blackmailed her until she lost interest in pursuing a relationship, until their relationship became unsalvageable. How could he do that? He had no right, especially because he wasn’t even her biological father.
He’d called her eighty-two times in the last few days. During this entire trip, he had only called her once and now every time she checked her phone, she found another voicemail begging her to pick up the phone. She wasn’t going to. She’d been waiting for him for years; now he could wait until she was ready to talk to him.
Kevin hadn’t left yet, and he was the best remedy for an aching heart. Just his presence was therapeutic and it gave her the strength to tackle this head-on. He let her ramble when she needed to, even when it lasted until the wee hours of the morning. They took walks together through the town. He held her and kissed her and made her laugh. Every day he showed her a deeper layer of himself. The topic of Perry was still off limits and he didn’t fully open up; his pain was something he didn’t want to share. The guilt made him want to carry the burden alone. But despite all the hardships he’d been through and the pain that was left behind after that tragic night, he still offered a shoulder to cry on—as if they weren’t overloaded already.
She took a cup of coffee that room service had sent up and walked out onto the terrace that overlooked the crystal clear hotel pool. She sat down on the edge of one of the long pool chairs, pulled her knees to her chest, and draped her sweater over her legs. It was actually Kevin’s sweater, but just inhaling his scent made her feel better, which was generally why she opted to wear his clothes instead of her own.
Her cup was half empty when she heard a muffled groan and turned back to look inside the room. He was standing, but still seemed unsteady on his feet as he tugged the duvet off the bed and pulled it around his shoulders. The early morning sun caused him to squint as he walked outside. He straddled his legs over the pool chair and seated himself behind her.
“Morning,” he mumbled, his voice still groggy with sleep.
Half turning, she smiled at him. “Hi.”
“Can I get a good morning kiss?” She gave him a quick peck on the lips and he leaned forward again. “Don’t be selfish with those sexy lips, Jasmin. Give me another one.” She gave him another kiss and he still didn’t shift back. “And another one.”
With a small giggle, she kissed him again. This one was a little longer, even had a bit of tongue and he finally seemed satisfied. Sex with Kevin was indescribable. Sometimes hard and rough. Sometimes slow and sensual. But nothing made her tingle more than these heartfelt moments of affection.
“That was definitely better than opening my eyes and seeing an empty bed,” he said, and it sounded like a complaint. “Why do you always have to wake up at the crack of dawn? It would be nice to just have one morning when I wake up next to the girl I went to bed with.”
“I still can’t sleep,” she replied, placing her cup on the floor. “Got a lot on my mind.”
He wrapped his arms and the thick duvet around her and pulled her back against his chest. “It’s a lot to take in and I know you’re hurt and disappointed with what happened with your mom, but—”
“It’s not my mom,” she cut in. “You can’t miss something you never had, so…I can deal with my mom. It’s my dad. My whole life has been a lie. The person I trusted the most lied to me for nineteen years. I don’t know what to think, or what to feel. I don’t know how to even begin to process that.”
With a heavy sigh, he rested his chin on her shoulder. “You need to talk to him. You can’t avoid him forever.”
“I know. I guess…I’m just scared. My mom doesn’t know me so it’s…it’s okay that she doesn’t love me.” It did sting a little. Okay, a lot. “But if I find out my dad never did either…He never asked for me, Kevin. She just left me with him. What if—” She shut her eyes and groaned. “God, I’m a mess!”
“And insecure,” he added.
“And so goddamn annoying.”
“Don’t even get me started on that. I won’t be able to stop.”
She smiled, glancing over her shoulder to look at him. “I do have some good qualities. At least I don’t scream like a bitch because of a little spider.”
Although he tried to keep a straight face, a chuckle still escaped. “I don’t know why you would bring that up. It’s in the box.” He plucked a quick kiss on her cheek and his tone went serious again. “You’ll be fine, Jazz. You can handle anything. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”
She let those words sink in and realized he was right. She could handle it. All she needed to do was have a good, long chat with her father, and even if it confirmed her worst fears, she would find a way to move past it. The real challenge would be finding a way to forgive him for all the lies. Their relationship had been strained for a few years and now it was damaged by deceit. If there was any part of him that cared for her now as much as he did when she was a little girl, then maybe there was a chance they could repair their tattered relationship. It was going to take more than just time and apologies, and deep down she knew that it was going to be a long road to get their relationship back on track. But no matter the outcome, she would get through it.
Kevin’s little encouragements lifted her spirits enough for her to truly believe that. He had a way of putting things into perspective. Somehow over the last month, he’d pulled her out of her shell and she felt like an entirely different person now. She was still insecure to a certain degree, but he’d taught her how to embrace every part of herself. Her body. Her mind. The last obstacle was learning how to overcome these fragile matters of the heart.
“Thank you for everything, Kevin. You were there when I really needed a friend and I want you to know that I appreciate that.”
For the first time, he didn’t make a comment about the word friend, but his mood dipped instantly. “I’m gonna leave tomorrow.”
The statement came without warning and even though she’d known this was coming all along, a jolt of pain still sliced through her. She didn’t want him to leave. She didn’t want this to be over. “I could take you to Florida if you want. Whatever you need to do, you don’t have to do it alone.”
He stiffened behind her. “I need to. Jasmin, I’m not in the right frame of mind to be around anyone. This is something I need to do on my own.”
“So you leave tomorrow…and then…we never see each other again?”
Hearing the words solidified it, morphed it into a rock and she could feel its heaviness weighing down her chest.
“That’s the way it has to be,” he said solemnly.
“I think I might actually miss you.”
“Don’t. Guys like me aren’t worth missing. After I leave, don’t waste another second on me.”
The self-deprecation and his body language were the first signs that he was going to start withdrawing and she didn’t wan
t him to be cold and distant on their last day together. She needed to lighten the mood before it got too depressing for both of them.
“Let me rephrase,” she said. “I won’t miss you as such, but I will miss your rocking hot body. It’s the only good thing about you…Oh, and your dimples. I’ll miss those too. And I’m ashamed to admit it, but I may…possibly…even miss your cuddles.”
She looked back at him again and a wide grin stretched across his face. “I told you, you love the cuddles.” He pressed his lips against her shoulder and wrapped his arms tighter around her. “You know I’m still giving that shit away for free, right?”
His mouth went wild on her neck, rapid little kisses and nibbles that tickled her skin until she was giggling hysterically.
“Kevin! You psycho freak! Stop it!”
She tried to pull away, but he was holding on so tight, she couldn’t move more than a few millimeters.
“Aren’t these just the best?” he murmured, moving his mouth up her neck.
“Stop it!”
He nuzzled his nose against the sensitive spot below her earlobe and kissed her along her jaw, but as soon as his mouth met hers, it stopped being playful. He caught her lip between his teeth and kissed her with longing, with desperation, like the end had come too soon for him as well. She shifted on the chair and he lifted her legs onto his so she was straddling his hips. He deepened the kiss, burying his hand in her hair so she couldn’t escape. It made his intentions very clear. He was going to have her in every possible way before the sun came up the next day.
There’s a hormone in the human body called serotonin, a mood-stabilizer which generally makes a person feel calm and relaxed. Ever since she’d met Kevin, she’d noted a steady decline of this hormone within herself. At first it was because he pushed her buttons. He said and did things that hurt her, angered her until she felt neither calm nor relaxed. But as time went on, her brain compensated for the low levels of serotonin by pumping out dopamine. Increased dopamine makes one a little obsessive.
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