After their kiss in Vegas, he’d consumed her every thought. She was constantly conflicted, wondering what the hell was going on between them and the constant pushing and pulling had almost driven her crazy. She could blame the same hormone for her anxiousness, the way her heart beat out of her chest every time he touched her, the tingles. Dopamine got her addicted to all these little pleasures and was the main reason why she couldn’t get enough of him.
All of that could be written off as a simple crush, but over the last week or so, there’d been a rapid increase in her levels of oxytocin as well. Oxytocin was the cuddle-hormone and with all the cuddling they’d been doing in the last few days, that stuff was gushing through her in an unending cycle. Oxytocin led to strong emotional attachments to another person, created a bond that was usually much deeper than sex or physical pleasure.
Jasmin knew all this. Logically, she could argue that every emotion he invoked in her was just a chemical reaction in the brain. But the fact that he was leaving tomorrow made her see it for what it really was. It forced her to use her heart instead of her head. It made her realize that she was in love with him.
December, 9
Orlando, Florida
He still hadn’t left, but he was different. December, 6th was blissful, filled with playfulness and heartfelt talks until the sun came up. The 7th was even better. They watched movies and stayed in bed all day. But on the 8th all the magic stopped.
Jasmin woke up yesterday morning and realized that he still had no intention of leaving. She hadn’t known if it was because he couldn’t bring himself to leave her, or if he was simply procrastinating, delaying the moment when he would have to face the death of his best friend. His reasoning seemed to be a mixture of the two. She didn’t want the trip to end, but she felt like she needed to force it because he was quite content to stay at the hotel forever.
She’d offered to drive him to Florida and, once again, he abruptly declined. After an hour long argument, she finally managed to convince him to get into the car with her and their six hour journey began. He was okay at first, but as soon as they drove past the Welcome to Florida sign, he changed. Whatever he’d been trying to avoid became real and the gravity of what he needed to do hit him all at once. He was edgy and restless and distant, so different to the Kevin she had seen for the past two weeks. All the pain he’d kept locked away began to resurface.
After last night, she understood why he said he wanted to do this alone. He’d wanted their last days together to be filled with happy memories and this was anything but happy.
He was facing demons in his mind and he wanted her to have no part in it. He refused to open up. Instead, he’d just sat by the motel window, staring outside like he was waiting for someone. Every now and then she’d heard a deep sigh or a heart-wrenching sniffle and it killed her to know that he was carrying all that hurt by himself. He wouldn’t let her comfort him; in fact, he didn’t want to be anywhere near her. She didn’t know if he did eventually get some sleep. All she knew was that last night was the first night since Texas that she’d gone to bed alone.
This morning was no different. No kisses. No cuddles. She barely got a greeting out of him. And it didn’t help that his mom had called to tell him that Perry’s mother had been admitted into the hospital. Depression finally took its toll on her. His mother told him that Momma B was barely eating, not drinking any fluids and was rushed to hospital after she collapsed that morning.
That call pushed him over the edge. After that he became someone Jasmin didn’t recognize at all. She’d become accustomed to his moods, but he wasn’t just cold and distant. He was a zombie, eyes glazed over and emotionless, completely dead inside.
At that diner in Holbrook, when she’d first offered to take him to Florida, she’d envisioned that a trip to this state would be fun, but this was not fun. It was tense and loaded. The drive to Disney World wound him up even tighter and by the time they got out of the car, it looked like his nerves were frayed.
“You can leave me here,” he said curtly as they walked through the parking lot to the entrance of the park.
“Kevin, I can’t just leave you here.”
His jaw clenched and it looked like it took an insane amount of restraint for him to not snap at her. He said nothing, but quickened his pace and stayed a few steps ahead of her.
Once they were inside the park, he only became more anxious and aggravated. He didn’t seem to care about anything around him. The rides, the excited children, their favorite Disney characters who waved as they walked by. There was only one thing he was focused on. He was determined to find Ariel, and Jasmin assumed that it was something Perry had wanted.
After a forty-five minute trek through the park, they finally found her and it took another ten minutes before the kids around her dispersed. Kevin approached her as soon as she was alone.
“Hi.” His voice faltered just getting a two letter word out. “Can I take a picture of you?”
Although the woman put on her friendliest smile, she must have seen something on his face because wariness showed in her eyes. “Sure.”
He reached into his pocket and took out the dog-tag chain that was identical to the one he wore. “Just hold this.”
He didn’t seem to realize that he was holding on so tight and it took a few tugs from Ariel before he finally loosened his grip. It was over in a matter of seconds. He took the picture on his phone, yanked the chain out of her hand, and started walking towards the exit. Jasmin scampered after him as he ploughed through the masses to get out of there as fast as possible.
When they reached the parking lot again, she noticed that he wasn’t heading towards the car and she grabbed his arm to stop him.
“Kevin, slow down. Tell me where you’re going.”
He kept his eyes on the ground when he answered. “I need…I need to get out of here. You go. Just leave me here. I’ll find a way—”
“I told you I’m not leaving you here.”
“Fuck, Jasmin! Just go!”
She grabbed both his hands and squeezed them tightly. “Do you realize you didn’t even take your bags out of the car? You’re not thinking straight and I’m not gonna leave you like this. So calm down and tell me where you want to go. I’ll take you wherever you want. You want to get on a bus, I’ll drop you off at the station. Anywhere you want, Kevin, but I’m not going to leave you stranded, okay?”
He was silent for a long time, weighing all his options and he still didn’t look up when he answered. “Can we find a quiet beach somewhere?”
She let out the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, feeling equally worried and relieved at the same time. “Okay.”
* * * * *
Kevin felt like his entire body was losing functionality as Jasmin slowed down the car and pulled over on the side of the road. It wasn’t easy to find a secluded beach and eventually she had stopped at a gas station to ask one of the locals. They’d driven for over an hour and a half in silence to get to this beach and as he looked out the window, he could see that it wasn’t deserted, but quiet enough for him to say his final goodbye to Perry.
“Pop the trunk,” he said softly as he opened the door.
“Kevin, you don’t—”
He already knew this was going to be an argument about her not leaving him in the middle of nowhere and he immediately cut her off. “Jasmin, I already told you that this is something I need to do alone. You shouldn’t be here and I want you to leave.”
He got out of the car and walked to the back. She met him there and opened the trunk for him to get out his duffel bags.
After a loaded breath, she closed the trunk and turned to him, but he kept his eyes on the ground.
“Can I…at least call you…sometime?” she asked.
“I-I deleted my number from your phone last night.”
That statement shocked her because she was quiet for a few beats. She tilted her head to the right and then the left, trying to get him to make e
ye contact, but he continued to stare at the ground.
“We agreed…that nothing would come after this road trip. You’re flying back to Chicago after Christmas. You’re starting a new job, a new life. There’s no point in dragging any of this out. Let’s just cut ties and end it here.”
“Is that really what you want?”
No, that wasn’t what he wanted, but that’s how it needed to be. “Yes.”
“Why won’t you look at me when you say that?”
“Because I can’t.”
He wasn’t lying. He couldn’t look at her. His eyes were begging for mercy. They had seen too much already. They had seen Clayton’s broken, mangled legs. They had seen Perry fly through the windshield. They had seen the look of desperation when Perry asked him to search for Shandré and then they’d seen his best friend draw in his last breath. After all his eyes had seen, Kevin couldn’t put them through the added torture of watching her walk away.
His eyes weren’t the only body part malfunctioning at that moment. He wanted to kiss her goodbye, but if he did, he knew his lips wouldn’t be able to stop. He wanted to hold her, but he knew his arms would probably never let her go. He just needed to keep himself cold, keep himself together because if she didn’t leave soon, he was going to have a breakdown.
“Just go, Jasmin…Go and don’t look back.”
She didn’t argue this time. Lifting herself onto her toes, she held his face and placed a long kiss on his cheek. He shut his eyes and took in a deep breath, inhaling her strawberry scent one more time, memorizing the feel of her lips on his skin.
“Goodbye, Kevin,” she whispered and with that she slowly moved to the front of her car. He watched her get in and that was about all he could take before he turned away.
This was turning out to be a pretty shitty day, a day filled with goodbyes. He waited until he heard the car start up before he headed up the long path towards the beach. He dropped his bags near a small rock and took a deep breath of the salty air. Heavy, gray clouds were rolling in overhead, shielding him from the afternoon sun, and the temperature seemed to be dropping. His feet sank into the soft sand, covering his sneakers as he walked further along. He passed families splashing in the water, a few couples cuddling on the sand, and he carried on walking until he could see no one else around him, hear nothing but the waves crashing against the shore.
Thirty-five days on the road.
Thirteen different states.
Cheap junk food and one home-cooked meal.
The best and worst hotels and motels.
Beautiful scenery and breathtaking views.
A gigantic fucking spider.
Big cities and small towns.
Early mornings and sleepless nights.
Meeting new people and opening up old wounds.
Tears and laughter.
Happiness and pain.
Falling in love with Jasmin.
Thirty-five days on the road. All of it just to get to this moment, the moment where he would have to let go. All of that and he still wasn’t ready to do it. It was impossible to close this chapter of his life, say goodbye to fifteen years.
“We’re gonna be best friends forever, right, Kev?”
It was even harder to say goodbye knowing that Perry should’ve still been alive. It was his fault his friend wasn’t there anymore. Memories swirled around in his head, tormenting him, making him wish that things had turned out differently.
“You sure you’re okay to drive, Clay?”
“Yeah, man…I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. Give me the keys.”
He took Perry’s chain out of his pocket and it felt heavy in his hand, weighed down by the guilt. Everything came rushing back at that instant, all the horrors he’d seen that night. The desperation. The helplessness. Those feelings were trapped in a memory and he only felt it when he thought about that night. But the guilt. He lived with the guilt every day.
“You better not be feeling up my girl back there, Clayton.”
“Why? Scared she might like it?”
“Perry, would you just shut up and put on your seatbelt. I told you three times already.”
“Fuck, you’re like a nagging—Yo, Kevin. Watch out!”
It was dark. He didn’t see it until the last second—the eerie shadow of…something. The car took on a life of its own, skidding across the road before it flipped. He could still hear the glass shattering on impact, smell the burning rubber as the tires skidded across the tarmac. And then the blood. So much blood. It was all his fault.
“Clayton, you’re not singing!”
“Where’s my girl, Kev.”
“I don’t know! I promise I’m gonna find her.”
It was a lie. He hadn’t even looked. To this day, he still didn’t know the extent of Shandré’s injuries. All he knew was that it was enough to kill her. Clayton’s legs were so badly broken they had to be amputated, Perry had bled out from the wound on his head, and all he got was a scratch down his forearm. So many lives destroyed because of him and he was perfectly fine. The guilt was too much to bear. His shoulders weren’t strong enough to carry such a burden.
Thirty-five days on the road. He’d come all the way to Florida to fulfil a dream that wasn’t his when Perry should’ve been here to do it himself. He was going to start his own business, get married to the girl he loved, have lots of babies. All of those dreams shattered because of one reckless night.
Kevin toyed with the chain in his hand, getting ready to throw it as far out into the ocean as he could. He walked closer to the water’s edge, the bubbly white surf lightly lapping at the tips of his sneakers. Raising his arm, he tried to take a deep breath to brace himself. It didn’t work and he tried again. Using all his strength, he flung his arm, but his uncooperative fingers closed tightly over the dog-tags.
“I can’t…” he said even though there was no one there to hear him. “I can’t let you go.” He dropped to his knees, unable to hold himself up. “It should have been me.” The damp sand gave in beneath him, allowing the water to seep through his jeans. He wanted the tide to drag him in and swallow him whole. Actually, that wasn’t what he wanted. It was what he deserved. “It should have been me!”
The shudders came first, causing his body to tremble despite the jacket he wore. Next his stomach began to churn, twisting into a tight ball from all the guilt. Then grief and pain got lodged in his throat, obstructing a clear passage and he found himself gasping for air. And then came the tears, little by little, and then all at once. He broke down, clutching onto the chain so tight he felt like the tags were slicing into his skin.
Nothing good is ever built in an instant. It takes time. It needs to be molded, crafted until it’s perfect. It takes patience and understanding. It takes time. Days. Weeks. Months. Years. But it can never be done in a second. And yet that’s all it takes to destroy it. One measly second and it was gone. All that remained were the broken pieces of what once was. That was him, the fragmented shards left behind after that one measly second. He was only one half of a friendship.
“We’re gonna be best friends forever, right, Kev?”
Even if he tried, he couldn’t hold it back. He cried and cried and just when he thought all the energy had drained from his body, he cried some more. Tears flowed in a steady stream, becoming one with the ocean as they rolled off his cheeks. Deep down, he’d secretly hoped that when he got to Florida, he would be able to let go, let go of the pain and the guilt and fifteen years’ worth of memories, but now he was clinging to all of it, holding onto the other half just so he could feel whole. Letting go of all that meant he would have to let go of Perry and he didn’t think he would ever be able to do that.
He shifted, moving off his knees to sit on the sand, and he sat there for almost two hours watching the waves creep up on the shore. He closed his eyes, hoping that the sound of the water would soothe the restlessness within him, but it didn’t. There was no solace, no way of living with the guilt, no w
ay of living with himself knowing what he had done, and eventually he gave up. He didn’t even want to try anymore.
He stood up and didn’t bother dusting the sand off his clothes. He stomped down the beach, heading back to the spot where he’d left his bags. Tears stung the back of his eyes. Angry tears. He was angry because he was still powerless to do anything, angry because he couldn’t right the wrongs of the past. He had brought the only thing he had left of Perry to Florida and it still wasn’t enough. Nothing he did would ever be enough.
As he neared the path heading back to the road, he saw her sitting on the rock beside his bags and he stopped, froze in place. She was the last person he wanted to see right now. She represented everything he’d taken away from another couple.
He’d lost count of how many last days they’d spent together. Since Alabama, he’d woken up every morning thinking that by nightfall, they would have gone their separate ways. But every day, he’d spend a few minutes with her and lose his will to say goodbye. He couldn’t leave her, so he’d begged her to leave him. Yet here she was, and he didn’t want to see her.
“What are you still doing here?” His voice sounded hoarse and he cleared his throat. “I asked you to leave.”
Her shoulders lifted in a small shrug. “You’re in a place you don’t know on a secluded beach. Who knows how long it will take before you find someone to take you to…anywhere. I thought—”
He grabbed his bags and started walking towards the road. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
She stood up and took quick, hasty steps to cut in front of him. “You’re not fine. I can see it…and you shouldn’t be alone. You don’t even have to talk to me, just let me take you someplace where you’ll be safe. You’re not in the best frame of mind. I know today was hard for you and—”
“You don’t know anything.”
Dan: He’s ticking, Bob. He’s ticking.
“I know that you withdraw at the mere mention of Perry’s name. And I know that today you were reliving that night over and over again in your head. It’s hurting you, Kevin, but you don’t have to go through it alone. I know the guilt is eating at you because you survived and they didn’t. I understand how you feel.”
Journey to the Unknown Page 33