Dan: Triggered.
“Oh, you understand?” The sound that came out of him was half snort, half laugh. He dropped his bags and crossed his arms over his chest. “You understand the guilt I feel? Did I tell you I was driving that night, Jazz?” It was the first time he’d admitted it out loud and it stung him to his very core. “Did I tell you I was drinking that night?” He actually had to take a second and breathe through that because the words burned the inside of his mouth on the way out. “No. I didn’t tell you that part. I didn’t want you to know that…I didn’t want you to know I was the one responsible…for fucking up the lives of three people. Two are dead and Clayton can’t walk because of me. I did that.”
Her eyes were wide after that revelation, filled with something he couldn’t decipher. Pity? Sympathy? Disgust? He didn’t know. All he knew was that she’d never looked at him that way before.
“Kevin…” She took a step towards him, reaching out to take his hand but he immediately stepped back.
“That’s not even the worst of it,” he said, finally ready to reveal all. She was the only person he’d ever opened up to and he wanted her to know everything. He showed her his vulnerability and his scars. Now it was time to show her the monster that lived within. “I didn’t look for Shandré. I promised him I would and I didn’t. His dying wish…and I didn’t do it. And then afterwards…I didn’t even go to his funeral.” He felt it then, even in the presence of the thermostat. There was no way she could shut it off. It was like lava. All of it rising up, bubbling over inside him until the heat beneath his skin was so severe, he thought he might ignite. “My best friend…I didn’t go to his funeral, didn’t pay my last respects. I couldn’t face his mother…a woman I love like my own mother. I saw her…I saw her…at the morgue.” It raced up his throat, clogging it, and something as simple as talking became a strained effort. “She was hysterical. They had to sedate her. I did that to her…and I couldn’t bring myself to look at her again. It’s been four months now…she lives four fucking houses away…and I haven’t gone to see her once…That’s the kind of coward I am. I took her only child…and then refused to see her. She’s in the hospital now because of me.” His eyes met hers and he didn’t blink. He wanted her to see it, see every despicable part of him so she would finally realize that he wasn’t worth her time. “Tell me, Jazz. Do you understand the guilt I feel?”
She stood there completely expressionless, unable to answer.
“I should be in jail right now. But somehow my toxicology test got fucked up.” A sardonic chuckle popped out involuntarily. “It said I was under the legal limit…and I don’t know if it’s because I wasn’t really drunk…or because I threw up on the side of the road. You have no idea what not knowing does to me…So after everything I did, I get to walk away like nothing happened. Life goes back to normal for me. I got to go on this trip…see half the country…meet you. I didn’t deserve any of that, but I got it.” The knot in his throat tightened and speaking was becoming excruciatingly painful. Words were cracking and squeaking as he forced them out. His ability to hold back the tears was also dissolving and every few seconds, he felt one roll down his cheek. “Tell me, Jasmin…Do you understand the guilt I feel?”
This time she managed to swallow the shock and shake her head. “No.”
“There were no consequences for my actions, no ramifications. I should be punished for what I did…and there’s nothing!”
She tried to take his hand again, but he took another step back to keep the distance between them.
“So you punish yourself?” she asked softly.
“Someone has to.”
“Kevin, it was an accident. It’s not your—”
He gritted his teeth. “Don’t you dare say it.”
Dan: It looks like he saved the best for the finale, folks. Have you ever seen a person fly completely off the rails? We guarantee this is going to be a show you’ll never forget.
“It is my fault. There’s no one else to blame. They trusted me with their lives and I fucked up!”
“You can’t go on like this.” Her eyes softened and the tenderness in her voice told him that even if she didn’t understand, she felt the hurt for him, with him. “You can’t keep shutting everyone out just to live with this pain alone. You consciously force yourself not to be happy because you think you deserve it. You don’t. You’re a good person, Kevin…and it was an accident.”
“I don’t wanna hear whatever bullshit you’re gonna concoct to make me feel better.” He was angry now, not because he hated hearing the truth, but because he so desperately wanted to believe her. “What I want is for you to leave.”
Bob: He’s really trying to let her down easy.
Dan: Yeah, but she never could take a hint, Bob.
“You’re doing it again. Every time I get too close, you push me away. You don’t have to. I want to be there for you, the same way you were there for me…if you would just let me. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through, but—”
He could already see where this was going and he needed to shut it down fast. “You’re right. You can’t imagine it because the worst thing that has ever happened to you in your entire sheltered existence was finding out that a woman you don’t even know doesn’t love you.”
Her face dropped and she slowly shook her head. “That’s not fair.”
Bob: See? This is the problem with keeping everything bottled up inside. It builds and builds until eventually the pressure gets too much.
Dan: Can you feel it? It’s coming…The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Shepard is about to implode.
“Life isn’t fair, Jazz! You want proof of that? Just ask Perry and Shandré.”
Dan: And three…
“Oh, you can’t. They’re dead!”
“Kevin, stop it.”
“And that’s because of me!” He slammed his fist against his chest. “This coward. Is that the type of man you think you need?” He reached for his bags, finally ready to end this. “You know what? Don’t answer that. Go marry your doctor, Jazz. This doesn’t matter to me anyway.”
Dan: Two…
She lifted her hand to his face, but he turned the other way before she made contact. He didn’t like the way she was looking at him. She looked at him like he still meant something to her. How could she know everything and not see him as the scum of the earth? She obviously wasn’t as smart as he thought she was.
Dan: One…
There was a flicker of apprehension, but she voiced her thoughts regardless. “It does matter to you. You wouldn’t be acting this way if it didn’t.”
She took a step towards him and he snapped.
Dan: Detonate.
He laughed—low, acerbic, and dripping with bitter sarcasm. “You see, in that fucked up little dream world you live in, somehow—for the second time—you deluded yourself into thinking I care. I don’t. I don’t give a fuck about you. Let’s not get this twisted, Jasmin. We’re not gonna sit and cuddle and talk about our feelings until you find a way to heal me. It’s not gonna happen. The only thing I want…is for you to leave.”
A tiny brain-drain twitch, but she was too worried about him to focus on her own feelings. Because that was Jasmin. Sweet, kind, thoughtful Jasmin. She was so fucking perfect it sickened him. It sickened him to know that he’d had her, all of her. He just had to put it down as a poor lapse in judgment, that moment when he’d convinced himself that he might actually be worthy of her.
She let out a deep sigh and her voice trembled a little when she spoke. “If that’s what you want, I’ll do it…but at least let me take you someplace where I know you’ll be safe.”
It was a trap. Unintentional, but still a trap. They’d been saying goodbye to each other for over a week and if he got into the car with her, he knew it would end up being like every other last day they’d spent together. Somehow she’d creep back in and he’d lose his resolve to end it.
“Fuck, Jazz! I
keep asking you to leave, but you just don’t get it, so let me spell it out for you. I don’t want you.”
Dan: (Whispers) Notice the wording there, Bob? Tactful. He could own up to his feelings and be a man right now. He could have said: I don’t want to be with you because I’m a worthless piece of shit and you deserve better. But instead, this coward would rather say the one thing that rips her open and lays out all her abandonment issues.
“This was a great distraction for me, a nice way to get my mind off all this shit.”
Bob: Did he just call her a distraction? (Shakes head in disbelief) I was anticipating the: “it’s not you, it’s me” trope, but he’s cheapening everything that happened.
Dan: Let’s not forget why we’re here, Bob. This kid’s an asshole.
“Don’t get me wrong, it was fun, but I don’t want you to see this as anything more than what it was.”
Dan: He’s gonna say it.
Bob: He’s not gonna say it. He’s in love with this girl.
“You were just a convenient fuck when no one else was around.”
Bob: Ohhhhh! Fuck! No, he did not just say that. I apologize for doubting you, Dan. I’m sorry for ever having any expectations when it comes to Kevin. All time new low!
His teeth sliced into tongue, deep enough for him to taste blood, his own body rejecting the vileness that came out of his mouth. “And you were a great fuck, too…So willing.” That one turned his stomach over, causing bile to rise up, but he swallowed and forced a smile. “But now it’s over, so why don’t you just hop into your car and stay the fuck away from me.”
And then there was silence. The erratic commentary, every scattered thought—all of it came to a halt at that instant. He kept his eyes fixed on her, waiting for that small reaction. One brain-drain twitch and when it didn’t work, he saw another. No perky smile. Where was the perky smile? The perky smile meant she would be okay, it meant she still had enough in her to fight back. After the third brain-drain twitch, she stopped trying to suck those words out of her head. She was taking in all that venom, internalizing every ounce of pain. She was so still, not even breathing. It hurt her that much. It was like the lump in her throat was so big, it wouldn’t allow any air to pass through.
A piercing gasp broke the silence, the sound of a person taking in air after being held under water for a solid two minutes. A tear rolled down her cheek and then another. She didn’t wipe them away, just let that pain flow from her body. The fact that she was showing her feelings openly broke him and he wanted to beg her to say something nasty back, beg her to transfer some of that pain to him because he deserved it. But she just stood there, staring at him as every shred of hope shattered in her Jasmin eyes.
“Okay, Kevin,” she whispered. “Okay.”
He watched her walk back to the car, grinding his teeth so hard it felt like they were going to break off. He waited for her to drive away before he picked up his bags and headed to the edge of the road, spitting out blood every second step. He sat down on the ground and pressed both palms against his face, losing himself in his thoughts.
Dan: Stick a fork in it. It’s done! And the Asshole of the Year Award goes to…(dramatic announcement voice) Keviiiiiiiiiiin Shepard.
Bob: (Applauding) The determination of this young man! Kevin, come up here and collect your prize.
Dan: You know, for a moment we thought you were out of the game. You guys were doing all that cutesy stuff, I didn’t know if you were ready to withdraw from the competition. And when she met her mother, we thought you were gonna be the runner up for sure. But you always manage to surprise us. What a spectacular performance! Tell us why you did it.
Kevin: (Gives a small smile) Well, Dan, as you can see (waves the award), I’m an asshole. I wanted to ruin the only good thing in my life…and I wanted to ruin it irreversibly.
Dan: Self-destructive much?
Kevin: Yeah. All the time. It’s not even a hobby. It’s a way of life. But this wasn’t about me. Don’t forget, Dan. I destroyed the lives of three people…and their families…and I wasn’t about to do the same to her. Jasmin has a great future ahead of her. She’s gonna make something of herself. She’s gonna be rich and successful and she doesn’t need the destruction, that is me (points to self), fucking it up for her. Picturing a future with her is just plain sadistic, seeing as though I have absolutely nothing to offer. I’m poison. I begged her leave, but she…she wouldn’t give up on me. If I didn’t do it the way I did, she would have held onto this toxic relationship. She’s a genius…already head of a research department, she’s won prizes, she’s even been on TV. She’s got medals coming out of her ears and what do I have? The Asshole of the Year Award. And while that’s a fantastic fucking accolade, I just thought she deserved more.
Bob: So now that it’s all over, how do you feel?
Kevin: Well, I feel like shit, Bob. I feel like I just drank battery acid and I’m disintegrating from within. That shit’s just burning up every-fucking-thing inside me.
Bob: I don’t get it.
Kevin: You wouldn’t. Because you’re a dick! But let me elaborate on the insurmountable pain slashing through me. You know that feeling, Bob? When you feel like there’s a thousand pounds crushing on your sternum. When your heart is so heavy…it doesn’t even have the strength to beat anymore, like it’s about ready to drop straight out of your chest (slowly breaking down). You know that feeling when there’s like…a million needles stabbing every inch of you and it’s happening so fast there’s a searing sting under your skin. That only happens when every single cell in your body has received word of the utter devastation you have caused. That’s how I feel right now, Bob (barely holding back the tears). I am hurting…on a cellular level. It’s a feeling of losing a best friend…Twice…In one year. And knowing both times were my fault (completely losing composure). I just crushed the woman I’m in love with, ripped her heart out and then stomped on it. And every time I think of the hurt…in her Jasmin eyes…the hurt I caused, it’s like another kick to the fucking stomach. But other than that, I’m doing just great! Thanks so much for asking.
Dan: And thank you for sharing, Kevin. Join us again next year, folks. The producers have told us to rename this to the Kevin Shepard Award because this guy has just set a new standard. Thank you! And goodnight.
Kevin: It’s been an epic show. But now if you guys don’t mind, I’m gonna wait for a truck to run me over.
There was a limit to how much torture the human heart could take. He’d reached that limit hours ago. When he’d taken the picture of Ariel holding Perry’s chain, he’d already felt like he couldn’t take anymore. But it just kept adding up. Just like with anything else in life, if more and more things are added onto an already strained object, it snaps, it breaks.
He had reached his limit. He couldn’t break anymore. He slowly wiped the tears from his face and reached into his pocket for his cell phone. As if it was some type of coping mechanism his mind had conjured up, he stopped thinking about Jasmin. And now it was time to gather the jagged pieces of himself and find a way back home. He still had a bit of money left, but it wasn’t enough to get back to Montana. When he’d decided to take this trip, he hadn’t wanted to get his family involved. The money he’d had would have probably been enough to get him to Florida and back if the trip had lasted a few days like he’d planned. But then he’d met a girl he couldn’t get away from and ended up spending over a month on the road. He was broke in more ways than one.
It was two in the afternoon which meant that it should be late morning in Seattle. He scrolled through his phone until he found his sister’s number.
He generally didn’t call or check in and she sounded wary when she answered. “Hey, Bink.”
“Jo-jo…” His voice trembled and he tried to pull himself together. She still heard it, though.
“What’s wrong?”
“I need your help.”
For reasons unbeknown to him, he’d been blessed with people who loved
him so much that they did what he asked without question. Her response was immediate. “Anything. What do you need?”
He inhaled several breaths, trying to keep his voice steady when he spoke again. “I need you to get me back home.”
“Okay. Tell me where you are.”
He spent the next few minutes giving her his location. After he hung up, he received a string of texts. A cab was going to pick him up and take him to the airport and she’d even booked him a flight back home.
He didn’t know how long it took before the cab arrived. He was too preoccupied with tormenting himself to notice the time. He sent her text when he arrived at the airport to tell her that he was safe and on his way home. That was his last coherent thought, because afterwards he switched onto autopilot. Thirty-five days on the road and he was a bigger mess now than before he left Montana.
December, 10
Back in Montana
Kevin arrived in Great Falls early the next morning. He inhaled a breath, basking in the smell of home as he hopped out of the cab. The place he’d tried to escape from now felt like a sanctuary. Dom would probably come by soon to drop off Kay and there were a few things he needed to do before then.
He needed to make peace with all the disgusting things he’d said to Jasmin, find a way to ignore the method and focus on the end result. She would get over it in a few days. She was resilient like that. She would forget about him and move on, find happiness with someone who could give her what she needed. Deep down, he knew it was for the best. He probably wouldn’t be able to forget her and move on, but it had never been about him.
He walked around the house to the backyard, went to his dad’s shed and got a hammer and a few nails. He found a log that adequately represented Jasmin. Small, but flawless, smooth yet still a little rough around the edges, and he took his time carving her name into it.
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