Az

by A A Bavar

  “That was a bitter-sweet moment,” I said, my voice a hollow echo, “for although everything that I was doing was for her, I knew that I had to let her go to give her a chance to survive Lucifer.”

  The hooded figure, who had remained so emotionally detached the whole time, sat up and grabbed the edge of the table. The movement caused the sleeve of her cloak to slide up slightly and I saw the partial imprint of a birthmark on the back of her wrist, and it reminded me of another birthmark on another wrist.

  It was night and as usual I was half hidden in the shadows leaning against the wall behind a bike rack to the side of the main building. The parking lot of the mini-mall was almost empty, and the stores had already closed. It was mid-spring, and the night air was cool, almost chilly. The door to Pizza Palace opened and Kay and a couple of her co-workers walked out. They were still laughing at something but stopped immediately when they noticed my presence. Kay looked over at me and grinned as they said their goodbyes.

  “You manage to do that every night,” she said while walking to her bicycle.

  “Do what? I’m just standing here.”

  “Yeah, and I work here because of the unique food experience,” she said, and chuckled while unlocking her bike.

  I observed her swift, cat-like movements and smiled. That tattooed creep wouldn’t have had a prayer against her.

  “You really should stop acting so intimidating,” she continued. We slowly started towards the street. It had become a sort of ritual for us, a few minutes every night for talking and sharing; almost a father daughter moment. Kay was walking her bike and I couldn’t help admire her. She had grown to be a selfless and very determined, young woman.

  “A little bit of intimidation and fear is good for the soul, keeps men on the right path.”

  “You mean the guy with the weird snake tattoo, don’t you? He did scare me, but I don’t think he meant to. Anyway, I’m not going home that way anymore. Not at least for a month!”

  The thought of anyone being a threat to Kay was inadmissible, and although caring for Kay and watching her grow had caused me to lose some of the cynicism and mistrust that I felt towards Man, I was still a long way from trusting him. I had experienced that by opening my heart I could learn to love, but instinct told me to trust only a few.

  “Believe me, he could have tattoos up to his balls and you’d still kick his ass to kingdom come with that kung-fu stuff that you do.”

  The eruption of her laughter was so explosive and spontaneous that she had to stop walking. My comment had definitely crossed some stern fatherly line and her enjoyment of it was so contagious that I laughed myself. We stood there for a good minute, in the middle of the parking lot, looking at each other and laughing.

  “Take it easy, you’re going to hurt yourself.”

  Kay, her eyes full of tears, paused and in-between breaths blurted, “Az, I can’t believe you said that!”

  I put my arm around her shoulder and gave her a small hug. “Sometimes, even fatherly angels can say what they really think.” I turned and looked at her as we continued walking. She wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve and smiled. She looked tired.

  “How are you holding up? Going to classes and working like this every night is tough. I can help, you know?”

  “Yeah, I know. But you’re already helping. It’s great to have you here every night. I should’ve started working at nights a long time ago!”

  I looked at her and smiled. She made it so easy to smile.

  “And by the way, fear keeps people on the right path only as long as they feel like they have something to fear. Love is what keeps them firm.”

  “And I’m the angel…” I muttered half to myself. I stopped walking and grabbed her arm, making her stop also.

  “It’s a great service that you’re doing, Kay, taking care of Martha. It makes me proud.”

  “I wish I could do more,” she said, shaking her head. “She’s always so worried about me and what will happen when she’s gone. I mean, she knits and saves every penny she makes just so I can go to college. It’s not right.”

  “It’s right because she loves you. And when you do something for someone out of love, it’s always right.”

  “I really want her to see me graduate,” she said with an impish grin. “I want her to be proud.”

  “She is proud. And trust me, Martha is going to be around for some time,” I replied before realizing my mistake. “You little fiend! You tricked me.”

  Kay looked at me and laughed.

  “You’re easy. And you know you would have told me anyway if I asked. Um, so will she be around to see me get married?”

  “Good try. If I continue telling you these things, I won’t be around to see you get married!” I said, and smiled. I gave her a playful shove on the shoulder but she quickly swept my hand off with her free arm and held my wrist in a backward twist. I looked down, impressed by her agility and effortless defense move. That’s when I noticed the birthmark on her wrist. It used to be a small shapeless blob when she was small, but now it resembled a full moon with lighter and darker spots. I shook my hand free and looked at her – she had this devilish smirk – thinking she could take care of herself. Again, I was wrong.

  Hatred, contempt, anguish, pain… whatever Man called it, I felt – but a thousand fold. This time it wasn’t shock or disappointment in humanity. A part of me which had crept into a crypt and fell dormant for as long as I can remember, staying hidden and protected, was awakened by the sweet innocence of a child and now wrenched from me and destroyed with great vulgarity. I stared ahead into the darkness and whispered, “I should have let her go.”

  “But you didn’t.”

  The timbre of her voice invaded my very core. Softly, like the beginnings of an avalanche, it caressed its way to the darkest corner of my being and then erupted awakening my soul as it tore it apart. I knew that voice, but I also didn’t. It was Kay, and at the same time, it was not. I could see her lying on the ground motionless, lifeless, and felt my head spin. I forcefully drove the heels of my hands into my eyes hoping to stop the barbaric images from invading my mind, and gritted my teeth as pain cut through my sockets. My eyes, however, could not offer redress, for they were not the culprit. If I wanted relief it would have to be from the beast inside; the images that were imprinted in my soul. But it was all too fresh; it had only been a few hours.

  “No, I didn’t!” My tone was animalistic, and although I felt remorse for Kay, the beast inside wanted to destroy; destroy all, but mostly itself. It was time to tell the tale of today, the beginning of my end. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to go and deliver myself to my punishment and stop the pain. In the end, we are all selfish and greedy and want what we want; deliverance. I wanted relief. If watching Kay grow had cracked that old reality, my reality, then her death had bonded it shut once more and permanently sealed my fate.

  TWENTY-THREE

  “Martha.”

  I was uncomfortable all day, a mix of anxiety and sadness, and when I retrieved Martha’s withered leaf from under the tree that night I wanted to believe that was the underlying cause. In my gut, however, I knew it wasn’t. Martha’s death did not justify the foreboding that I felt. She was old and her passing was nothing but proper. I should have known. The signs were there and I chose not to see them.

  I was standing outside Pizza Palace and looking in through the window. It was a typical night and Kay was busy taking orders. She looked very neat and down to business with her long, brown hair tied back, but she was happy; almost glowing. For a moment, she paused and looked right at me, and I saw my own reflection transposed on the window beside her. Unlike her, I looked weary and burdened. And then, she smiled and I noticed that she was smiling at a disheveled and tattered looking older man sitting in the booth next to the window. He looked up from his meal and smiled back and I knew he was one of the many who Kay would help feed that night. I smiled sadly and closed my eyes, and the memory of a much smaller and younger
Kay standing in an alley with a blanket and a bag of odds and ends rushed into my mind. Just like tonight, she was unaware of my presence, but I was there hiding in the dark, checking on her; protecting her. Fear didn’t have a place in her heart when helping others was concerned, and although I didn’t understand, I wasn’t going to interfere.

  I remembered Martha pleading with me later that night to make her stop going to the alley and my answer was actually based on something that I overheard Kay say earlier. She was standing over what looked like an old man huddled on the ground on top of some unfolded cardboard boxes. To me, he looked pitiful and intimidating, but twelve-year-old Kay saw much more and deeper than I. She put her bag down and unfolded the blanket as he looked up at her, his eyes hard but full of questions.

  “Why you helpin’ a bum like me, child? Aren’t you scared?” The man’s voice was shaky and tired. He didn’t have much time left; I knew.

  Kay didn’t miss a beat and as she spread the blanket over him, said in a stern voice, “You are not a bum, mister!” And then continued with a warm smile, “My mom said we’re all one; one humanity.” She took out a sandwich from the bag and held it out to him.

  The old man hesitated for a moment before taking it, and I felt his heart soften and saw his eyes glisten. “Thank you, child.”

  Later that night, I went back and sat with the old man. I even took him a pillow and made his last moments on this earth more comfortable than he had been in months. But it wasn’t the physical that made the difference. When you see the truth, it warms your heart and that’s what brought comfort to him in the end; and to me. I closed his eyes and said a prayer as I cradled his soul in my arms as I would with Martha, tonight.

  “She’s beautiful. Myrrah could have claimed her Aphrodite’s equal. Too bad she’s a mere mortal.”

  Lucifer’s loud, taunting voice came from behind and invaded the silence. I spun around ready to engage, but there was no one there.

  “Show yourself if you dare,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “Oh, I dare alright,” replied Lucifer as he appeared in front of me. “Just didn’t want you to see me like this. You see, I know what it’s like to want something that you can never have,” he said, and longingly looked down at a melting ice cream cone that he was holding. “Ah, happiness is so ephemeral.” He lifted the cone and tried to lick the ice cream, but it melted completely before he could.

  “Stay away from her,” I growled. “If anything ever happens to her I will make it my mission to destroy you. I won’t rest until I’ve taken you apart piece by piece.”

  “You keep saying that, brother, and I might take you up on it someday, but not tonight, and surely not because of her. Don’t you know by now that I can’t touch her? Not because of you, but because she has faith and believes. I was simply trying to help you, you know, unburden your cross a little. Maybe you should learn from your girl and show more certitude, maybe even compassion?”

  I took a step toward Lucifer and said, “I don’t need your help or advice. Now, leave!”

  “As you wish. But remember, everyone has to pay back their debts and I’m the world’s Godfather.” Lucifer turned and as he walked away, added, “Imagine wasting my time with you when I have a date with fate and a soon-to-be young and pretty brunette in an alley down the block.”

  “Whatever.”

  At the time, I couldn’t care less. I turned to the window once again and there was Kay, busy with life and oblivious to the world. I put my hand in the pocket of my overcoat and slowly retrieved the crumpled leaf with Martha’s name. I felt its dry, web-like veins where life once used to flow, now turned brittle and lifeless. Soon, it would be over, I had to go. Kay would understand, it wasn’t the first time that I had to miss our walk in the past couple of weeks.

  Martha’s apartment was nice and warm, the perfect reprieve from the chill outside for Kay when she arrived. But how could I sooth the chill that would engulf her heart?

  Martha was sitting in her easy chair with her back to me. I stood there staring at nothing until Martha’s tired voice broke the silence.

  “I never forgot what you said to me that day on the street outside Mary’s house. That was sixteen years ago.” Martha shifted in her seat and reached for her knitting that was on the small table beside her.

  Feeling embarrassed was new to me. I walked over and stood in front of her with my head bowed, my hands in the pockets of my overcoat like a chastised child. “Yes, I never really did apologize for that. I guess saying that I was young and foolish won’t do it,” I said with a grin.

  “Foolishness doesn’t have an age limit,” Martha said, and looked up at me. She was smiling, but I could tell that it was difficult for her and that time was running out. “When I woke up this morning I knew, and for that, I thank you. But you did make a mistake about me being alone,” she said in a meek tone, and held out a trembling hand. She was holding a pair of black, fingerless gloves for me. I took the knitted gloves and kneeled beside her chair, holding her hand in mine.

  “I was told and always knew that when it was time, you would be here with me, as you always have been for Kay.” She looked at me, but her focus was somewhere else in the distant past. “I had to do it to save her. There was no other choice,” she mumbled and exhaled for the last time.

  The immediate moments before death can be terrifying or subdued and Martha was living death as she had lived her life; fully. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to float in the darkness of my mind. I had not done this in thousands of years – since Abel, but somehow it seemed fitting. I leaned forward and a gossamer cloud surrounded us as our souls connected, detaching me from the world and everything; I was untouchable, unreachable. For Man, repentance at that last moment is a choice, and it can be filled with regrets of possibilities lost or the embrace of a life lived well. Martha’s life journey started at the beginning, and I saw it as she saw it. In an instant, we traveled through her childhood and young adulthood, the joy of marriage and the greater joy of having children. Then came the first real test of life, when the blood of your blood, your child, is about to perish before your eyes and you are absolutely helpless and have no say in the course of the outcome. That’s when I saw myself for the first time through someone else’s eyes, in a crashed car, under water and surrounded by death. It was quite revealing and somewhat justified the aura associated with the myths about me; and through fertile and fearful minds, the distorted imagery. Throughout time, Man had portrayed me as a terribly frightening and repulsive being without a discernible face, cloaked in black and with a hollow gaze that bore through your soul as the scythe came down to end life with a wicked smile. My spirit felt like that, but my look – the long ragged hair, roughly unshaven face, and haggard countenance was far more cold, daunting and dispassionate. Yet, somehow, somewhere, I had also given birth to the ruggedly handsome bad-boy look. Go figure.

  As I stared at myself through Martha, I felt the desperation of death engulf us and knew at my very core that in her place I would do anything to cheat me. Existence requires constant movement, but there is a moment in life when you feel weightless, trapped in a vacuum of nothingness, a state of oblivion. It’s the one instant when time stands still while you gaze impotently at death as the one you love is taken. I am the perpetuator of that limbo, but never had I felt it, and at that moment I knew I had to spare Martha the rerun of that anguish. I carefully delivered her soul and was pulled to the Tree of Life.

  TWENTY-FOUR

  Out of nowhere, a most repulsive and grotesque creature fell into my path. I felt my head reel and my skin burned as if bored by thousands of pieces of burning ice. I closed my eyes, hoping that when I reopened them the offensive scene would no longer be there. My chest was crushed by fear and my heart pounded with so much force that the ground shook.

  I opened my eyes knowing well what I had to face. There, on the ground before my feet, was the one leaf I was not prepared to see; ever. I was filled with blind rage at anything an
d everything. If it breathed I hated it, if it moved I wanted to break it. But mostly, I loathed life for its feebleness and incapacity to survive. I kneeled and picked up the leaf with Kay’s name. How was this possible? Why hadn’t I heard her soul or felt her distress? And then it hit me. Lucifer! He had finally collected on a promise he made long ago. He had orchestrated this from the beginning and used Martha’s death as a shield, a distraction, and when I disconnected from the world he delivered. My eyes burned with tears as I scrutinized the leaf. To the untrained, it looked perfect, a young spark full of potential and energy. Unlike Martha’s, it had not yet weathered with time and life. But its beauty was an illusion, and I saw it for what it was; dead. I gently passed my finger over its surface, feeling every single and minute vein, searching for the smallest flow of life and hope. If it was there, I would find it and break every heavenly rule to save her without a thought about my own destruction. But there was none, Lucifer had made sure of that.

  I clenched my fist and felt my fingernails dig into the palm of my hand. I wanted the pain. I needed the hurt. My mind was in silent castigation mode, and it pounded me mercilessly. I had failed my biggest obligation; I had failed to protect Kay and no punishment would be enough. Lucifer was there tonight at the diner, looking at me and gloating inside, all the while knowing what he was about to do, and I did not see it. But what he didn’t realize was that when you seek revenge you also dig a grave for yourself, and I was willing to surrender myself to that grave but take him with me. I clenched harder and felt the blood drip from my fist. His words rang in my ears, I have a date with fate and a soon-to-be pretty, young brunette in an alley down the block. I opened my hand and let Kay’s bloody leaf drop.