by Emma Creed
“You mean Tobias Saunders.” She winks at me playfully, making my cock jump to life.
“Call him what you want, darlin’, you need to lose him back wherever you found him from. Your laptop should be in the bag. Getting Chop back will be a real start in getting Prez trusting you.”
“And what about you? Do you trust me?” she asks biting into a crispy slice of bacon. Her eyes focusing on me the whole fucking time.
“Yeah, I do,” I admit, staring right back at her, I want her to know that I mean exactly what I’m saying. Then, when the connection suddenly feels too intense, I move up from the table and put my plate in the sink.
“I got to be at church. So, I’ll catch up with you later. Help yourself to anything…” I look around knowing the fridge and the cupboard are pretty much empty. Maddy’s eyes widen, an irresistible smirk appearing on her lips.
“Yeah, alright point made. I’ll head to the grocery store after church,” I laugh a little, shocked that despite the dull ache of loss lingering in my chest, the girl sat in my kitchen still manages to make me laugh.
“Church?” She looks up at me, confused.
“Not that kinda church, darlin’.” I smirk, lifting my cut from the back of the chair and making for the door. I struggle against the urge to kiss her again, only this time I’d want to do it the way Skid kisses Carly whenever he leaves her. Like he doesn’t want to leave her. I don’t want to leave Maddy, and the thought of her tongue back inside my mouth makes me solid, again.
“Jessie,” her sweet little voice calls after me, the tiny hint of desperation in it makes me turn around. My arms automatically reach out and catch her when she runs into me. Her lips gently press against my mouth, holding them there for a few beats before she pulls them away.
“Thanks… For trusting me,” she whispers, her cheeks brighten with a sudden flurry of embarrassment. I could grab her up right there, do all the things I ever imagined never being able to. But instead, I nod politely and walk out.
Screwy is already sat on his bike, no doubt waiting for Squealer. He lifts his chin at me like he usually does, only today there’s a little emotion in his normally stone hard eyes. I guess it’s his way of checking I’m okay.
“Yeah man. I’m good,” I answer his unasked question, at the same time Squealer comes out of their cabin, still doing up his pants. Mel trails behind him, kissing his shoulder as he steps off the porch. When she looks over to me, she smirks and snakes her arms around his neck.
“Mornin’ Jessie,” she calls over, shrieking loudly when Squealer slaps her ass then makes his way over to his bike.
“Mornin’ yourself,” I hit back. I start up my bike and take off down the track to church. I wonder how the hell we’re supposed to fix this fuck up of a situation, especially when there’s nothing we can do to bring back what we’ve lost.
Prez is already waiting at the head of the table when we walk in. He looks like he hasn’t slept all night, I think I managed about an hour myself. Too busy thinking of all the different ways I could make the Bastards pay for what they did to Hayley.
Everyone takes their usual places, Except for me, it feels weird sitting in the VP’s Chair where Chop usually is, a fuckin’ awesome kinda weird though. None of us really know what to say to Prez. He’s just lost everything, and there’s a blankness in his eyes that I doubt will ever leave them now that Hayley isn’t here anymore. He breaks the silence by bringing everyone up to speed on the Maddy situation, he tells everyone she’s to be treated as a friend of the club, although there’s nothing friendly about the tone he uses when he says it. To him, Maddy will always be the girl who lives and breathes in the place of his daughter. He’s keeping her safe because he knows she’ll be useful to the club, and I like to think that maybe he’s keeping her safe for Hayley too.
“So what we gonna do to make them pay?” Thorne asks, taking the words right off my tongue.
“Right now. We do nothing,” Prez tells us, and everyone looks very confused.
“We took out six of the fuckers yesterday, and now we’ve got their secret weapon too. We’re playing the long game this time. We’re gonna close them down from the outside in, make them paranoid.”
“Prez?” Squealer asks, looking as disappointed and shocked as the rest of us.
“I mean it, this time I want them finished. Done. The whole Charter wiped out and then I’ll set to ruining every other fucking Charter until Bastard is just the name for a kid whose mama can’t remember who knocked her up. “
“So we don’t get to kill anyone?” Squealer checks.
“Not today,” Prez shakes his head.
“Sorry, kid.” Squealer slams his brother's rock-solid chest but doesn’t get a response.
“We start small. Let them think we were satisfied with taking the six. Skid’s got a list of names from Rogue, people she’s heard are dealing around town. Jessie and Troj, you take on Nyx, start making your way through that list. I don’t care how you do it, I’m sure you'll come up with something. Warn them enough never to deal again. Take their stash and take their money. It's business as usual.”
“Sure thing Prez,” I tell him leaning across the table to take the list from Skid, surprised when I see that there are at least fifteen names on it. This problem in town is bigger than I thought. Me and Troj can get real inventive with these shits, I’ll bet Nyx’ll get a kick out of learning from us too.
“Skid we need back in with the Russians, now that we don’t have a certain little bitch tracing our every move, see what’s about. If you don’t get any luck try Shaun, the Irish are always shifting.” Skid nods and Prez lets out a long, exhausted breath. The kind that tells me he’s been building himself up to this moment, and his eyes fill up before he speaks. “You’ve all heard what happened to Hayley, and can understand why I wanna be alone right now. You need anything, you speak to Jessie, He can make decisions on my behalf or come to me if he thinks it’s important enough. I need a few days out.” He hits the gavel down weakly then stands up and walks out. His actions leave us all speechless, Prez is always the last to leave. Always.
I’ve spent a whole week at the club, and as he never seems to come home, hardly any time with Jessie. Thankfully, Carly makes sure I’m never lonely, I join her and Skid for dinner most nights, we sit on her deck and drink wine while she fills me in on how everything works around here. I spend most of my days hanging out with her too. If I do see Jessie it’s always brief, he only ever comes home to shower and to sleep. Every night he goes down to the club and he stays out until the sun rises the next morning. The only trace of him ever being here are restocked cupboards.
It’s pathetic that I miss him, that I’m frustrated he hasn’t kissed me again. All I can think about when I’m not grieving Hayley, are the things she told me about the women that hang around the club at night. Carly confirmed it. And secretly, I hate to think of Jessie spending time down there with them.
Today is different though, it’s the day he’s been dreading as much as I have. Today, we say our final goodbyes to Hayley. I dress in the black lace dress Carly loaned me, then head out into the living area. Jessie is sat at the table staring into a cup of coffee. While I’ve been dashing between my room and the bathroom, drying my hair and getting dressed, he’s made breakfast, and I’m pleased to see that there’s a plate set in front of him too.
“You should eat, today’s gonna be hard.” Eyes filled with guilt stare me over, he’s been looking at me that same way since he came home without Mom. I can’t be sure if it’s because he feels sorry for me, or if he’s struggling to forgive me for what happened to Hayley. As much as it hurts to think that, I couldn’t blame him if he did.
“You look real nice,” he says, looking back down and taking a sip of his coffee. I step closer to the table, tugging down the bottom of the dress to stop it riding over my ass when I walk. It’s much shorter than what I’m used to, not exactly what I would consider appropriate to wear to a funeral, but Carly insisted it lo
oks good, and I don’t exactly have a lot of other choices.
Gorgeous blue eyes peer over the rim of his cup as he drinks, a smirk lifting his cheeks. Obviously, he finds amusement in me walking in these ridiculous heels while trying to keep my modesty.
“The dress is Carly’s,” I explain, taking the seat opposite him and trying to hide the flush in my cheeks.
“It means a lot that you convinced Prez to let me come today,” I say picking up my fork.
Jessie shakes his head like it’s no big deal, but for me, it means everything that I get the chance to say goodbye to her properly.
“Do you think I’ll be safe today… from the… you know?” I check, the thought of leaving the safety of the club makes me nervous.
“You think I’d let you come if I wasn’t?” he snaps, then suddenly looks guilty again. “Look, they wouldn’t dare show up today. We have brothers from every Charter riding in to pay their respects. You’ll be safe, I prom…” Something stops him from finishing his sentence. Instead, he screws up his eyes and swallows his words. We eat the rest of our breakfast in silence, and he waits for me to finish before he stands up and clears the table.
“I’m heading down to the club, Carly said you could catch a ride down with her.”
“And Mads…” He moves to stand in front me, shocking me when both his hands take hold of mine. Him touching me feels good, and I look down to where his thumbs rub over my skin. “I’m gonna need you to stay real close today.”
I smile at the thought of being close to him for a whole day as he backs up and pulls his cut over his black shirt. He rolls his sleeves up to his elbows, and with the thin black tie around his neck, he looks delicious.
“I can do that,” I assure him, and we spend the next few seconds staring at one another. Jessie relieves the awkwardness when he shakes his head and steps out.
Carly and I drive down to the club a little after Jessie leaves, and the scene that greets us punches all the air out of my lungs. The yard is bursting with chrome and leather, bikes are parked in rows, and there are swarms of people, way too many to count. Carly struggles to find anywhere to park so ends up dumping the car behind the garage and grabs my hand, leading me through the people congregating outside into the club.
The smoke-filled room is packed, the noise deafening as people greet old friends and glasses clatter on the bar. I take a few steps inside and all conversation stops. All eyes move to focus on me. The silence pinches at my ears and blood rushes to my cheeks, heating my face.
Carly tugs on my hand trying to move me forward, but I don’t budge, the judgmental stares are anchoring my feet to the floor.
What had made me think it would be okay to come here today?
I didn’t deserve forgiveness from these people, every single person here knows it would be me being buried today if it wasn’t for Hayley’s sacrifice.
They all wish it was me.
I manage to control my body enough to turn, preparing myself to run and retreat back to Jessie’s cabin, but I’m blocked. My eyes raise slowly over the tall, bulky body standing in my way until I reach eyes that resemble hers. It strikes me how different he looks, his crisp white hair combed neatly back off his face and his beard trimmed to perfection.
“Where you think your goin’?” Hayley’s dad looks down his nose at me, his voice rough and so deep it vibrates in my chest. I don’t need to turn my head to know that Jessie is beside me now, I can feel that flutter in the pit of my stomach that comes whenever he’s close.
“I…” My words fail to come out. “I shouldn’t be here. I’m so sorry.” I attempt to step around him, but with a simple slide, he blocks me again.
“Why?” He folds his arms across his broad chest and waits for my answer like it might give him the pleasure he’s been craving. So, I tell him exactly what he wants to hear. It’s the truth after all.
“Because it should be me. I should be the one who’s being mourned today. Not Hayley, not your daughter who was loved by all these people,” I tell him, somehow managing to look him in his eyes.
“Sir, there aren't words that will ever tell you how sorry I am that it was her and not me, and I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling.” I push through tears to finish what I have to say. “Every morning I wake up with the same heartbreak, feeling like I can’t face another day being tormented by that guilt. But I make damn sure I do. Because of Hayley, and what she gave up for me. That may be little or no comfort to you at all Mr. Carson, but I wanted you to know it.”
I’ve rambled but I’m still impressed that I managed to say everything without bursting into tears. Embarrassed, and more than ready to leave, I step around him again. This time he doesn’t move, and I’m almost clear past him before his hand reaches out and grips the top of my arm. I feel Jessie tense, as his Prez leans his head into my face, close enough so no one other than myself, Jessie, and Carly can hear him.
“You were my daughter’s friend. She’d want you here, and today that’s all that matters. Now turn the fuck around, hold up your head and come to say goodbye to her.” Even the heat in his fiery eyes doesn’t take the chill out of his voice, and I nod until he lets go of my arm. He walks on past me like our encounter never happened, and when I turn around Jessie is staring back at me equally as shocked. I don’t know what to say to him, but the way he dips his head and gives me a trace of a smile lets me know I haven’t imagined what just happened.
Jessie takes my hand, and leads me out the clubhouse and to his bike in the yard. It’s parked in front of all the others, directly behind the hearse, and I guess the bike beside it belongs to Hayley’s dad. Jessie lets go of my hand and slings his leg over its leather seat. Steading the bike between his thighs he grips the high handlebars with one hand, then holds out his other one to me.
“You want me to ride with you?” I ask in disbelief.
“Told you, I want you close,” he reminds me. “You got a problem riding with me, darlin’?”
“No. Just Carly told me there were rules about girls riding on the back of bikes.” I bite my lip, regretting the words as soon as they come out of my mouth. He’ll probably make me ride in the truck now, and I really do want to ride with him.
“Carly’s rarely wrong.” He shrugs. “Now you gonna stand there gawking, or are you gonna get on?” He treats me to that sexy smirk that always triggers a reaction from me.
“My dress, it’s real short, and I’m wearing these heels.” I look down to the ridiculously high heels that Carly’s convinced me to wear. Hardly bike riding get-up.
“I noticed,” he said, looking me over like a predator sizing up its prey, his eyes creating a heat in their trail that forces me to squeeze my thighs together.
No Maddy not here, not today.
“What will everyone think?” I whisper glancing around us at all the people filling up the yard.
“I don’t give a fuck what they think. I told you I wanted you close and that’s exactly where you’ll be.” His hand wraps around my waist and with a not so gentle tug, he forces me closer. I give in, placing my hand on his shoulder to steady myself, then hitching my leg over the seat. My thighs press against the outside of his, and I fumble behind me trying to locate the bar to hold. Jessie reaches his arms right back around me, taking my wrists, and pulling them forward. He makes sure my hands slide over the warm leather of his cut before he settles them on his chest.
“Don’t worry, it’ll be a real slow ride. I promise to take you on a proper one next time.” He looks over his shoulder at me and my chest hums at the promise of a next time. I smile, just before splinters dig into my heart and I remember him asking me to take a ride with him a few weeks ago. Back then I never imagined that the first ride we took together would be following the hearse that carried my best friend.
My smile fades when I focus forward. Beautiful white lilies surround the shiny black casket, and I let my eyes cry out. To know that no amount of tears I cry will ever bring her back is suffocating, and I h
ave to keep reminding myself to breathe. Jessie’s fingers loop through mine and squeeze my hand tight against his chest, and it’s just enough to ground me again.
Prez appears from the crowd behind us and gets on his bike, starting his engine and causing a ripple of roars as everyone behind us follows his lead. Jessie releases my hand and starts his bike, the sound rumbles right through my body. I grip him a little tighter when all the noise becomes overwhelming. The hearse begins to creep forward, and we move behind it, taking the ride slowly just as Jessie promised. We follow Hayley along the windy mountain roads, through town, and all the way to the cemetery.
I manage to hold myself together as my friend is sunk lower into the ground, I fight against the sobs that ache the back of my throat, but fail to withhold the tears that fill my eyes and stream down my cheek. Jessie squeezes my hand like he can sense I need him, he hasn’t let it go since we got off his bike, and it gives me a small comfort to think that maybe he might need me too.
We walk away, leaving Hayley in the grave she shares with her mama, I hope that both of them are at peace now, together. Safe, and free from a world that can be so cruel. Jessie leads me to where the bikes are lining both sides of the long, narrow cemetery road. Then straddling his, he reaches back to help me on behind him. This time I don’t wait for him to tell me to hold him. I wrap my arms around him, resting my cheek on his back, and I don’t let my grip loosen the whole way back to the club.
I expect him to drop me off at his cabin when we arrive back at the compound. But instead, he parks up and leads me inside the club, through the foyer, and into the large bar room. His palms press into my ass keeping me walking forward, and it sends tiny electric sparks all the way up to my neck. The room has transformed since we left just over an hour ago. A huge table now stretches along the back wall of the room that’s crammed with food, and the large empty space soon becomes crowded, making the place look so much smaller.
Jessie places a drink in my hand, I have no idea what it is, but it looks like he’s drinking the same. I take a sip, and it stings at my tongue and ignites my throat at the same time. But not wanting to be rude. I finish it anyway.