by Emma Creed
I feel a chill when music starts to play from the speakers set up on the stage, and I realize what’s playing.
“Never saw you guys as Mac fans,” I lean in and speak to Jessie over the noise. Fleetwood Mac are the only thing I have in common with my mom. When I was younger and she was home, we used to dance together in the kitchen to their album. Now, they remind me of Hayley. She was always telling me how lame they were, and that I needed to pull myself into the 21st century.
“Carly’s idea, we found Hayley’s iPod in her jeep when we recovered it from the gas station, figured she should have her own music played at her party. Carly's always coming up with thoughtful shit like that.” He shrugs with a half-smile, then tips his empty glass up at the woman behind the bar. Say you Love me continues to fill the room full of bikers, and my eyes prickle with tears while my heart bursts open. Seems Hayley didn’t hate my music after all, it was typical of her stubbornness, and if it’s even possible it makes me miss her even more.
People spend all afternoon offering their condolences to Jessie and Hayley’s dad. Every time I try to move away and give Jessie some space, he tugs me right back. He’s taking this protection thing far too seriously, he told me himself no one here would hurt me, and now that we’re back on the compound I know I’m safe. A guy I don’t recognize pushes through all the people to get to Jessie, wrapping him in his arms and squeezing him so tight I fear a vein might pop out of his neck.
“You good, man?” he checks, his hard face baring something that resembles concern.
“No...” Jessie answers honestly, pulling away first. “This is Maddy,” he introduces me, and the guy tips his head at me the same way all the guys around here do. “Maddy, this is Brax.”
I look Brax over, he’s attractive in a totally different way to Jessie, a rough kind of handsome with short, brown hair, and dark eyes that seem suspicious of everything. I don’t know if the slit that runs through his eyebrow is a scar or if he shaves it in, but it adds to the harshness of his face. Hell, just looking at him feels dangerous.
“Pleased to meet you, Brax, where you from?” I’ve watched people talk to Jessie all afternoon, most of them wear a patch on their cut with the state of their Charter. Brax doesn’t have one, and it makes me curious.
He smiles at Jessie before he answers. “Anywhere I wanna be, darlin’… I’m nomad.”
Jessie helps me out when he notices my confusion.
“A nomad’s a member of the club but doesn’t belong to a Charter, they travel around, mostly go where they're needed,” Jessie explains.
“And it looks like you guys could use me around here,” Brax says turning the conversation serious.
“Hell yeah. You serious?” Jessie’s eyes light up. “Speak to Prez, man. You know you’re always welcome.”
“I just might,” Brax says tapping Jessie hard on the back then moving on to talk to Skid.
“Seems a nice guy,” I say to Jessie when Brax is out of earshot.
“He’s a good guy, would be handy to have around, but I wouldn’t use the word nice to describe him.” Jessie smirks at what has to be a private joke as we watch Brax talking with the guys. He seems to blend right in. The idea of someone choosing to be part of a club but not staying among friends seems odd to me, but then, a lot of things around here don’t make sense.
“You seem to know him well.”
“He prospected at my pa’s old Charter, I’ve known him since I was a kid. We did some training with Vex together a few years ago after Mary-Ann died. He stuck around while we needed extra protection for the women and kids.”
“Kids lived here?” I ask, not meaning to sound quite so mortified.
“This used to be a proper family club, look at the facilities we got here it’s perfect. But after the Bastards killed Mary-Ann. Some brothers thought it was safer to move their families to quieter Charters. Prez never held it against them. It just meant we ended up with all the crazy motherfuckers who have nothing to lose.” Jessie lights up a cigarette and makes sure to direct the smoke away from me.
“Having Brax back in town will be a real step forward for the club,” he tells me looking over at Brax, who’s now deep in conversation with Prez.
“He really that bad?” I ask, wondering how one person could make such an impact.
“He’s clever, hard as rock, and he doesn’t have anyone to give a fuck about. That makes him dangerous if you’re his enemy.”
“And what about you… Are you dangerous?” I ask, looking into his eyes so he can’t avoid my question, alcohol must be making me a little braver than usual.
“Yeah, I am,” he says without hesitating.
“Like Brax?” I push for more.
“Nothing like Brax. I have people I care about Maddy, and that makes me worse.” He leans in closer to me. “I’ve lost, a whole lot. And I know enough about how that shit feels to make sure it never happens again,” he tells me holding my eyes with his. With no escape from them, I pick up my glass and seeing that it’s already been topped up, I tip my head back and swallow it down. Jessie watches me as the fireball settles in my stomach, then laughs before he’s interrupted by another biker.
I get sensible and switch alcohol to water when the atmosphere in the club starts to change, things get rowdier after Prez leaves. I don’t miss the look of concern on Jessie's face when he’d announced he was going. Not long after, Jessie takes my hand and pulls me towards the door.
“You want to leave?” I ask a little shocked when we get outside.
“I want to take you somewhere,” he says, getting on his bike.
“Well then let’s go.” I hop on behind him without any hesitation because the more I do it, the more I realize how much I like it.
Today was harder than I anticipated. I thought I’d done all my grieving, I’ve been taking my anger out on the list Rogue put together for us, spent every night since Hayley's death fucking over people who dealt for the Bastards. It never made me feel any better, but it did keep me away from Maddy, and all the temptation that came from being around her. Putting space between me and her was the right thing to do.
I’ve started to understand why Prez never wanted Hayley at the club, I don’t want Maddy around it either. The guys may be my brothers, but that doesn’t stop me wanting to kill every one of them that dares to eye fuck her. At least with Hayley everyone knew she was off limits, no one would have had the balls to look, let alone touch Prez’s daughter. Today, after seeing Maddy on the back of my bike I hope I’ve sent a clear message to them all that she’s off limits too. It’s bullshit, but if I can’t have her, I sure as hell ain’t about to let any of those assholes.
Maddy trusts me. She’s willing to get on my bike when I ask to take her somewhere without question. Her soft hands grip me as I ride us out to the main road, up through the mountains and to my spot. I’ve never brought anyone out here before, not even Hayley. But today I feel the need to share it with her. We ride all the way to the top of the mountain, the road tapering thinner and thinner until it fails to exist. My timing is perfect, the warm oranges starting to blend into rich purples and illuminating the sky in front of us. But tonight she’s distracting me from all that.
“It’s beautiful.” Maddy smiles, her wide eyes watching the sun slip behind the mountains, causing black shadows to cast over the valley below us.
“I’ve been coming up here since I was a kid,” I tell her. “You see that tree line over there? That’s the start of the forest that edges the compound, and this side…”—I point into the valley —“That’s the reservation.”
“Reservation?” Her sweet voice sounds intrigued.
“Yeah, a Cheyanne tribe, pretty sure it’s one of the only remaining ones around here.” She looks back at me confused. “Ain’t many tribes left now, not like these anyway. These guys still live the traditional way.”
“That’s crazy,” she laughs, and hearing her excitement makes me smile, even after the day we’ve had.
&nb
sp; “So no electric, no cars, no running water?” she asks, leaning forward to peer over the rock and get a better look.
“Nope, they do it the same way their ancestors did it for years and years before them. Everyone at the club and people in town thinks they're crazy, I think it’s kinda cool,” I confess. Come to think of it I’ve never admitted that to anyone. There’s no love lost between the Cheyanne tribe and the club. We’ve been asking them for years for passage through their reservation. If our escape trail through the woods could be rerouted to come out on the edge of the reservation, we wouldn’t have to risk going on any main roads at all. Every time we reach out to them their chief refuses us, and although it fucks us off, there’s always been an unspoken respect between them and us.
Both our people live by our own rules. So I guess we’re not so different.
I light up a smoke and watch her be enthralled by the tiny figures moving below us. Children dancing and playing with each other while men sit and smoke. The women chat while they clean up after whatever meal they’ve all just enjoyed together. A few women walk towards the tree line on the opposite side of the reservation, probably going to use the natural spring at the bottom of the hill to bathe. It’s simple living, but I understand its benefits.
“It’s like stepping back into history,” Maddy says, and I notice how she shivers slightly, her skin’s starting to turn a little paler, and goosepimples raise on her arm.
“You cold?” I ask.
“I’m okay. Really. Please let’s just stay here a little while longer?” she pleads. She’s crazy if she thinks I’m gonna say no to her. Especially when she’s being so damn cute. Balancing my smoke between my lips, I let the stream of smoke sting my eyes as I shrug out of my cut and drape it over her shoulders. Her dainty fingers touch at it, pulling it tighter around her.
“Thanks.” She looks up at me with those perfect eyes. “And not just for all this, for today too. Letting me out for the funeral, bringing me here. I really needed it.”
“You’re not a prisoner, Maddy,” I remind her, feeling a sharp punch in the gut at the thought of her seeing it that way. “I’m not trying to punish you. I’m trying to keep you safe.”
“I always feel safe when I’m with you,” she whispers, avoiding my eye contact by pretending to be distracted by the scenery.
“Never let your guard down, Mads. Hayley felt safe around me too and look what happened to her.” It’s my turn to look away now, I’ve never admitted that out loud before either, and the words sting my tongue on their way out.
“Yeah, me. I happened to her,” Maddy laughs, but not a happy one... a self-loathing one that I hate the sound of.
“Stop that. Stop blaming yourself for what happened to her. What Hayley did was her choice, you never asked her to jump in front of you and take that bullet.”
“Okay, Jessie, if it’s so easy then why don’t you stop blaming yourself too?” she snaps back, turning her head she looks right at me, her eyes burning me for an answer.
“That’s different.” I shake my head knowing there’s no way she’d ever understand.
“No, you blame yourself the same as I do. I can see it eating you up, and you need to let it go too.” Silence hangs between us, neither of us really knowing what to say next. Maddy goes to say something, her lips parting slightly. But before her voice can come out I lean into her, and I take those lips with my own. I want to kiss away all the guilt and pain she feels, and it surprises me how the heavy weight of mine becomes a little lighter as I do.
Her hand weaves into my hair, and she holds me close like she’s afraid I'll pull away. She doesn’t have to worry though, I’d kiss her until my lips felt raw and I couldn't draw any breath. Or at least until I remember who I am and exactly what I’m trying to protect her from.
I force myself away when that eventually happens.
She smiles at me, in a way that’s unintentionally seductive. Placing my hand on the back of her head I tuck her down into my chest then set a kiss on the top of her head, and hold her there. My lips press tightly against her soft, golden hair, just so I don’t have to look into her eyes. Because if I do, any morals, and good intentions I possess, are likely to up and leave me.
“Come on, darlin’, let's get you back.” I nudge her after too long a silence, and I stand up from the smooth rock we've been sitting on. When I offer her my hand to help her up, she takes it and her fingers wrapping around mine puts a comfort in my chest that doesn’t belong there.
The tighter she clings to my waist on the way back, the tighter I grip my bars. The entire way she rests the weight of her body against my back, her thighs pressing tightly against the outside of mine and I already know that after kissing her again, I’m gonna need an outlet tonight.
My head insists on fucking with me, making me want to do things to her that I've never done before. I don’t want to fuck Maddy Summers. I want to lay her out and fucking worship her. I find these days that my impulse to do just that has become stronger than my urges to create pain and cause suffering. How the girl’s managed to conflict my brutal mind with thoughts so beautiful baffles me and terrifies me all at the same time.
The party is still pretty loud when we get to the club, and I ride straight on past up to my cabin. Then resting up my bike I follow Maddy inside.
“You hungry? I could make you something?” she asks, making her way towards the kitchen. She sounds nervous, like she can sense how my mood has shifted.
“I'm good,” I reply, aware of how cold I sound. But just being around her feels like I’m being strangled. My fingers twitch for her skin, and if I let them touch again I know they’ll never stop reaching. She’s a line that once I cross I’ll never come back from. And I have to keep the promises I’ve made to myself.
My dirty soul will not bleed hers of its goodness, I can’t give her what she needs. She deserves everything, or at the very least someone who knows how to love her.
“I got to head back out,” I tell her, hating the look of disappointment that instantly falls over her face knowing that it’s me who’s caused it. I even consider going back down to the club, screwing the shit out of Mel or one of the others to rough-fuck Maddy right out of my head for the night. But I already know without trying that it wouldn't be enough.
Tonight, I need more. Tonight, I have to remind myself of the monster I’m protecting Maddy from. I’ll prove to myself that the thoughts that have been twisting themselves in my head since the first day I saw her, don't belong there. Taking my cut from where she’s neatly placed it on the back of the sofa, I check that what I need is still in the pocket, then slide it back on. Then I walk out of the door without saying goodbye.
I don’t look back, the hurt staring back at me will haunt me for the rest of the night if I do. Sitting on my bike, I pull out the list. There are still eight names waiting to be crossed off it and Cameron Slater’s is the name I pick out at random. I instantly feel sorry for the unlucky bastard.
I’m starting to think he enjoys the teasing. That giving me a glimpse inside, and then shutting down and snatching it all away again is a game to him.
Getting away from the compound with him tonight has been incredible, him kissing me again was everything else on top of that. It’s different to the first time he kissed me. Less feral, gentler, almost like he’s trying to tell me something. Then somewhere on the short journey back to the club, I lost him again.
I guess riding past the club reminded him what he was missing out on. The women down there are experienced, they’d know how to get him off. Why would he waste his time here with me?
Thinking about it’s too painful, so I decide to distract myself. I make myself more comfortable by changing into a vest top and some boy shorts. It’s been hot all day, so I take advantage of the cool evening air and set my laptop up out on the balcony.
Breaking into government files isn’t all that tricky, it’s the doing it without being detected that takes all the effort. People work 24/7 to keep
people like me out, so I have to make sure I’m smarter than the people I’m up against. I’ve always loved computers, growing up I spent a lot of time on my own, but I never felt lonely. How could I when I had the whole universe under my fingertips.
I taught myself how to hack mainly out of curiosity. When I was fifteen I was desperate to find my father. Mom refused to talk about him, and all I had to go on was an uncashed cheque that I’d found when I was snooping in Mom’s things. That uncashed cheque had provided information though. A name and account details at least.
I was well aware that a fifteen-year-old couldn’t just walk into a bank and demand information on her suspected father. Luckily, I had a pretty vivid imagination. I’d seen what people could do on TV. When it came to the worldwide web nothing was impossible. Nothing is secure, and there is always a way in. I got on to some forums, learned the basics, and then I used those basic skills to further my knowledge. I practiced a whole lot because being unpopular meant I had nothing but time.
I found my father eventually, a happily married man who lived a few towns away. He had the perfect life and a beautiful family. A son a few years older than myself, twin girls a few months younger. I figured the generous cheque had been to keep Mom and me from jeopardizing all that.
It gave me a whole new respect for my mom. We had nothing, and I’m sure there would have been more than one occasion where she would have really needed to use that money, yet she never did. She was too proud and too strong. It made me grateful for everything she’d ever given me.
Over the years I decided to forget about that man and his family. He lived close enough, it would have been easy for him to find me, check in and see how I was doing. But he was weak. I was a mistake he’d made that he thought he could buy out of. I may not have many people in my life but there’s no room for people like him. He could keep his fancy house and his respectable job, eat around the table with his perfect family and pretend to them and himself that he didn’t have secrets, because like my mom I’d never need him for anything.