All That Matters

by Sadie Rose

  "Yes, I'm going to try" I reply.

  "Good what do you see as the biggest challenge tonight?" That's a hard question because I'm not really sure.

  "I don't know I think there are two, I don't know which is the biggest though." He nods his head

  "Ok. Ok, so what are the two biggest challenges?"

  "The crowds and the noise" I answer immediately.

  "You aren't worried about getting there or back?" He asks.

  "No, that part will be ok I think" He makes a few notes nodding as he writes.

  "Ok, that's good. You have practiced going in a car several times, eating at a restaurant and your mom told me you even went to a salon where the two of you had your hair and nails done. So, you have been around crowds, just smaller ones quite a bit lately, haven't you?" I nod.

  "This one will be a lot bigger though." I tell him nervously.

  "Is bigger bad?" He asks

  "It's scarier" I answer.

  "That's true." He concedes. "What are some ways we could make it less scary?" I think about it but I'm just not sure. I don't like the idea of so many strangers around me, touching me, surrounding me. Then I get an idea.

  "Well, maybe I could sit like in the middle of my family so there aren't any strangers touching me or right next to me?" I suggest.

  "That is a great solution, Ava!" Dr. Brinkley makes several notes and then lays his pen down and beams over at me.

  "Do you think that would make the crowd less scary?" I nod. Now that I've thought of a way that I won't have to sit too close to strangers the crowd seems slightly less scary. "I'm really proud of you for coming up with that solution. Do you think we could come up with a solution for the noise?" That one is easier I'd already kinda been thinking about it.

  "I thought I could maybe bring earphones and if the noise gets to be too much, I could put them in to block some of it out?" He grins at me

  "Another great solution, very good, you could even try playing some quiet music if you think it might help." he suggests.

  "That's a good idea thank you." I say.

  "Ok let's talk about some of your coping techniques in case you need them." I nod

  "Closing my eyes, counting slowly, imagining my room at home with me safe in it, deep focused breathing." I answer, ticking them off my fingers.

  "Excellent and remember it's ok to realize you need a break and to ask for it. You could take a walk back to the car and sit in there until you feel ready to return." I nod.

  "I know I will if I start feeling too overwhelmed."

  "Good" he grins. "Don't expect to be able to stay for the whole game, football games last a long time, so even if you make it through just one or two innings that will be a huge success. To be honest, just the fact that you are willing to try is huge progress. Did you ever think a year ago that you would be going to a football game tonight?" I laugh and shake my head

  "No way!" I tell him.

  "Exactly! I'm so proud of the effort you have made, I know your family is proud of you too. I'm going to suggest you pack a small bag with some items to calm and distract you too ok? Maybe include a small, soft stuffed animal, a sketchbook and some pencils, maybe your iPad? You could play a game on if you need the distraction. It gets chilly in October so a small, soft blanket would even work. How's that sound?" he asks. I nod and smile

  "Yes Doctor, those are all good ideas." I tell him gratefully. "Alright, I'd say we are just about done here so let's recap ok?" I nod my head.

  "I think we both agree that you are making real progress, you know your coping techniques and the warning signs if you are feeling overwhelmed, so that is all good." He smiles at me but then gives me a stern look "Now what do we need to work on in the future?" I look down at my hands and sigh, looking back at him I answer.

  "I need to be more honest and open about my dreams." He nods

  "Good. And?" I frown at him

  "And what?" I mutter. He just lifts his brow and waits. I know what he wants me to say, I just don't want to say it. Finally, I huff out "I need to talk about the hard things." He grins

  "Excellent! Good girl! See that wasn't so hard was it?" He winks at me again. "You have fun at the game tonight, celebrate this victory. It IS a victory, even if it doesn't go just how you imagine or hope, just GOING is a victory so be proud of yourself. I'll see you next week. You know you have my number and you can call me anytime. Bye Ava." He gathers up his stuff and leaves.

  Chapter 37

  Mason

  Tonight, is Ava's first game, over the past few weeks, Ava has successfully gone to several lunches with her mom and they have gone to a solon together. Kate, Andrew, Erica, me and Ava have gone to dinner twice and Ava and I have ridden the bike to a burger joint a couple of times for greasy burgers and fries. So far there hasn't been any major issues, even still we have planned this outing with military precision down to the last detail. That's one thing I like about Kate, she is a great mom. She pulls the whole family together to help and support each other. I've heard from my mom exactly two times since moving here and both conversations lasted less than thirty minutes combined. I've never been a part of a family like this and it's not just Kate, it's everyone. Dad is so involved with everything that goes on. He knows about everyone's class schedules and what kind of shit they like to do. He talks to me about my bike and knows all the things I've mentioned doing, like getting a new rear bag or blacking out my pipes. He keeps up with which colleges Erica is interested in. It's different.

  When I got home for school Kate called another planning meeting and gave us some updated information from Ava's latest session with Dr. Brinkley. We came up with a seating arrangement where Ava can sit in our midst, Kate and Oliver will sit behind Ava, so that no one is at her back. Andrew and Jack will sit in front of her, and Erica and I will sit on either side of her. We agreed to arrive early enough to get a good spot and to be able to be there before the crowds arrive. Kate and Andrew are taking separate cars in case one of them needs to leave early with Ava. I'm not taking my bike so if Ava has to leave, I can ride with her.

  We are upstairs in her room packing a bag for her to take tonight. She has a pink backpack she's taking with her.

  "Do you think I need to change" She asks frowning.

  "Why would you need to change?" I ask.

  "Dr. Brinkley said it can be chilly" I frown too. He's right it can get kinda chilly at night.

  "Ya, that's probably a good idea, it's still pretty warm even for this time of year but it might get a little cool tonight" I tell her.

  "Ok I'll be right back." I try to think about what else might be good to pack. I honestly can't think of anything else she might need. Ava comes back a few minutes later in a dress, tights and ankle boots, she’s carrying a hoodie over her arm.

  The game is a fucking disaster. At first, people just trickle in and a few guys start hitting on Erica and Ava. I mean I get it but who the fuck tries hitting on a chick with her parents right the fuck there? A few glares from Andrew and I and they get the hint and fuck off. More people start coming in and it's not so bad, it's loud but Ava is handling it fine. After a few minutes, a group of girls a couple rows down start turning around staring at Ava and talking, we can't really hear what they are saying. I notice phones coming out here and there, I don't really get what's happening at first, they seem to be aimed at Ava. She hasn't noticed yet, but I can see that others are noticing, and people start looking around trying to see what is going on. I guess this is something we hadn't counted on. This is a small community, pretty much everyone knows what happened to Ava and the whole damn town knows she hasn't left the house since she came home. There are some pretty wild rumors about Ava. Some people say she went crazy, others say that she was disfigured. A few of the rumors are so wild that I'm sure no one believes them. Pretty soon more and more cameras appear, and people are taking pictures and even videos. It's not even just kids, it's fucking adults too. Kate and Andrew try telling them to stop but no one listens. It escalat
es so quickly. It goes from a few phones aimed at us discreetly to people standing up to take pictures and videos. People start rushing towards us. We aren't even halfway through the first quarter and we know we gotta get Ava out of here. Kate whispers

  "Let's go this isn't going to work." As soon as we stand up people start shouting at us.

  "Hey! You're Ava Silvers, aren't you?" "Kate! Kate Silvers! Is this the first time Ava's left the house!" We try to make our way down the bleachers but it's a fucking madhouse. People are fucking crazed maniacs shoving yelling across the bleachers. Dad and I shove people aside. I can't believe some of the things I hear people saying, I hope Ava doesn’t hear them. I'm so fucking pissed right now; my hands are shaking, and I want to start punching these assholes. This is ridiculous, I can't believe what's happening! We are pushed and shoved phones shoved in our faces. It seems like half the fucking stadium follows us to our car. Dad and Kate are trying to keep Jack and Oliver close it's too much for them and they start crying, Ava is crying too. Before we know what's happening Anson and several of the football players are tearing through the crowd trying to help us get to the parking lot. Fights start breaking out all around us. People are being shoved to the ground and I'm really worried someone is going to get hurt. I try to keep a hold of Ava and Erica. When we get outside the stadium it's even worse. Media has shown up. There are reporters and news crews, fucking vans everywhere! What the fuck is going on here! These people are nuts! Questions are hurled at us.

  "Is this the first time you have left your home since you were kidnapped?"

  "Ava! Ava! Over here! Do you remember your time in captivity?"

  "Kate Silvers! Is it true you have remarried?"

  On and on, pictures, lights yelling. We make it to the car, but we can't even leave, we are blocked in. The cops finally show up and start working to clear the people out. Dad and the twins are in one car. I can see Jack and Oliver in the back seat. They are crying and they look confused and terrified. Anson is in the driver seat of our car and Erica is beside him in the passenger seat. I and Kate are beside Ava in the back seat. Ava's upset but she's not freaking out, she has her hands over her ears and her knees are drawn up to her chest her face is pressed against her knees and her eyes are squeezed shut.

  "Oh my God what is wrong with these people?" Erica yells from the front. Anson slams his hand down on the steering wheel.

  "Fucking assholes!" He shouts.

  "We need to try to stay calm in here you two. It's going to make it harder for Ava if we get upset too." Kate says calmly as she rubs Ava's back and strokes her hair. I'm proud of Ava, she’s trying to block out what's happening, but she isn't yelling or fighting me and Kate off. We both have our arms around her, and we are trying to shield her as much as we can. It seems to take forever before the cops get things cleared enough to be able to escort us home. When we get to the iron gates of the house more news vans are outside. Finally, we make it inside the gates and into the garage. I see dad park and take the boys inside but the rest of us just sit in the car.

  "Ava, Ava we're home" Kate says softly, rubbing her back. Anson and Erica turn around in their seats, watching us. After a few minutes, Ava begins to unfold herself. She's still crying, but not so bad, she lowers her hands from her ears.

  "You ok, Ava?" Anson asks. She just stares at him, but she nods.

  "We are just going to sit here until you're ready to go inside, Sweetie. No rush. Take your time" Kate tells Ava. We all sit quietly while Ava breathes slowly. After a few long minutes, she says.

  "That was so, so bad." For some reason that breaks the tension and Kate laughs.

  "It was worse than bad! I never imagined that would happen. I'm so sorry Ava." Anson reaches over the back-seat squeezes Ava's knee.

  "But you handled it like a champ! I'm proud of you Avie Mavie" Ava shakes her head.

  "I really got scared" She says quietly.

  I laugh "Fucking hell Ava! That was scary! Fuck I nearly pissed myself!" The tension eases more and laughter fills the car.

  "I think I actually did just a little" Erica grins. By the time we get out of the car, we are all laughing and even though Ava looks a little strained she's laughing too.

  Chapter 38

  Ava

  After the disaster at the football game we are all edgy and emotional. Mason, Anson, Erica, and I go up to Mason's room. I sit on the bed with Mason on one side and Erica on the other Anson stretches out across the foot of the bed on his stomach. Him and Erica are both messing around on their phones. My mind is racing in so many different directions. The whole night seems weird to me. Why were all those people taking pictures and asking questions? They seemed to know that I'd gone missing as a child. How would they know that? I guess the news must have covered it, but that was years ago. How did they know that I was the same little girl? Why were all those news vans outside the stadium and then outside our house?

  "You ok Ava?" Mason asks squeezing my hand.

  "Ya but wasn't that weird?" I answer.

  "Weird how?" he asks. I don't answer at first.

  "It seemed like those people knew me or at least knew about me didn't it?" Mason and Anson give each other a look that I can't really interpret.

  "It was pretty big news when you went missing Ava" Anson finally says. I guess that surprises me, I never thought about what it was like back here after I was taken away, other than about how sad my family must be.

  "I guess I didn't know that?" I say.

  "Well ya. The place was a circus for weeks. Search parties were looking for you. There was lots of media coverage." Anson frowns at me. "We never really talked about it, I guess. Once you were home I mean." Mason takes my hand

  "Do you wanna talk about it?" he asks softly.

  "I don't know" I answer. "I guess I never thought about that part of me being gone, now that I have, I'm curious." I answer.

  "I can tell you about it if you want." Anson says hesitantly.

  "You don't seem like you want to," I tell him. He frowns and looks away.

  "It was a bad time Ava and to be honest I'm scared I'll say something to upset you." I guess that makes sense, honestly, I'm scared of the same thing. Erica interrupts us

  "I don't think you're giving Ava enough credit, Anson. She's changed so much the last couple of months and look at how well she handled tonight. She managed as well as all the rest of us. I think Ava has proved she's tougher than we think she is. If she wants to know just tell her." Anson stares at Erica

  "I didn't say I wouldn't tell her. I was just explaining why I was hesitating" I'm chewing on my lip.

  "I'm scared too though, to be honest." I sigh out a frustrated breath. "But I'm tired of being scared. Just tell me."

  Anson looks like he's thinking

  "We looked for you" he whispers hoarsely. "Everyone looked, hundreds of people joined in the search. News from all over the world covered the story." Anson says.

  "Why?" I ask, "Why was it such big news?" He shrugs.

  "I guess because of who Mom and Dad are? And because you disappeared without a trace. I don't know why it was such big news. At first, we couldn't walk outside without a reporter being in our face wanting an update, wanting to know if we had found out anything else. It went on for weeks, months maybe, I don’t know, a long time. Once the media started moving on, Dad hired private investigators. He rarely ever left the house. Mom was the opposite it was like she couldn't bear to be here. She went on TV, talk shows, anything that would keep your story alive." Anson looks down.

  "Things changed so much without you here, Ava, we missed you so much. We were all desperate to find you." His eyes are red with unshed tears. "We lived every day in fear that we would get a call saying you were dead. No one said it out loud, but that fear was always there hanging over us. I could hear dad crying in his office. And Mom would try to be strong and positive during the day but at night I could hear her muffled sobs. I couldn't imagine it could get much worse." A sob breaks free from Anson. "I wa
s so fucking wrong." I feel tears on my cheeks and wipe them away as I squeeze Mason's hand. "One day I came home from school and the house was quiet, it was always quiet by then. Like we were all holding our breaths afraid to even breathe" Anson puts his hand over his eyes. I pull my legs to my chest crying softly picturing my sweet, happy family in so much pain. Not knowing where I was or if I was even alive.

  After a few minutes Anson takes several deep breaths, "I went looking for Dad. Mom was never home anymore but Dad was usually in his office." He shudders and tears spill over down his cheeks. He digs his palms into his eyes, pressing the tears away.

  "It was about a year after you had gone missing. I found Dad in his study, he wasn't moving, and I thought he had fallen asleep. But when I came closer, he wasn't asleep" He whispers hoarsely. I sob into my knees. One of the first things I had asked Mom when I started texting was where was Dad. She just told me that he had died, then she held me in her arms while I cried.

  "Was it an accident?" I ask Anson. Maybe he had a heart attack or something, I think.

  "No" He chokes out.

  "He left a note, there was an empty pill bottle on the floor beside him" I cover my face with my hands and cry into them. I had known that he was dead but hearing this just seems so much more real. Hearing the details and knowing that Anson had to find him that way hurts so bad. Erica takes Anson's hand and Mason pulls me into a hug. We sit like that a long time while I think of the Dad I knew. He was so strong, so brave. I swear, I thought he was perfect. a hero. The tears start again. We are all crying, even Mason and Erica, though they never knew him. Finally, Anson wipes his eyes and reaches for my hand.

  "Maybe I shouldn't have told you" He says. I shake my head.

  "No, I wanted to know" I whisper back. Anson and I stare at each other a few minutes, both lost in our own thoughts, our own memories.

  The four of us have made a circle on Mason's bed. Mason has one arm around Anson's shoulder and his other one around my waist. Erica is holding mine and Anson's hands. When I look at her there are tear stains on her cheeks and her mascara is streaked. Her hand trembles in mine. Anson continues.