Appeal to You (A Beyond the Cove Novel Book 3)

by Jaclyn Quinn

  There were memories locked away, and it was becoming painfully obvious that Ryder had purposefully done that for at least half his life. Suddenly, the layers Avery thought he was getting through seemed thicker than ever.

  In the heat of the moment, they’d both wanted the same thing; Avery had no doubt about that. But when his impulse was to get closer, hold each other a little longer, Ryder’s instinct was to shut down. Avery wasn’t even sure Ryder realized he’d been trembling.

  When he pulled into a parking spot in Ryder’s complex, Ryder made no move to get out of the car. He leaned his arm on the door, cradling the side of his head in his hand, and stared out the windshield. Avery had no clue what to say, so they sat in silence for a minute that felt like an eternity.

  “I know you want me to be real with you,” Ryder finally said softly. “Well, that reaction back there is as real as you can get.” He ran his hand through his hair but still didn’t make a move to look at Avery. “Problem is, I’ve done a fantastic job of refusing to be real, even with myself. How fucking cliché to say it’s not you, it’s me.” Ryder laughed, but the pain he was in overshadowed the forced emotion.

  “Ryder, you don’t have to do this right now—”

  “That’s just it, Avery.” Ryder turned to look at him. “I’m not sure I can do it at all.” Shifting his gaze back out the window, Ryder added, “I’ve been doing fine on my own. I’ve managed to beat the odds and make something of myself. My friends and my job are all I need. Leaving all that shit in the past was the choice I’d made.”

  Does any of that include me? “It doesn’t have to be that way. You can talk to someone,” Avery replied, and the anguish in his own voice was something he wasn’t prepared for. But Ryder giving up on himself—on what they were just beginning to discover about each other—made him desperate to try and talk some sense into him.

  “I don’t want to! I’ve never wanted to. All I want to do is live my life for me.”

  “You still can—”

  Ryder faced Avery, leaning back on the door, a hard look plastered on his face. “You wanna know why I’m so good at sucking cock?”

  “Ryder, don’t do this—”

  “Deep-throating brought in the big bucks.” Avery sucked in a breath, and the look on Ryder’s face said that was the desired effect, but he continued without skipping a beat. “What difference did it make at that point? I hadn’t been a virgin since I was twelve, so what’s one more—hell, twenty more blowjobs on my terms.”

  “Jesus Christ,” Avery whispered. “Ryder, please don’t do this.” From the look on Ryder’s face, he thought he had Avery figured out. Spewing horrible facts out about his life like they were no big deal for shock value. He was so transparent, so scared underneath it all; Avery saw through every attempt Ryder made to convince him that he wanted his life to be this way. As if he was perfectly fine going back to meaningless fucks and pretending all those horrific things hadn’t happened to him.

  “You wanted real. How’s that for real?” Ryder said snidely, and the words sliced like a knife through Avery. “I’m not the guy you want me to be. You think because you saw some other imaginary side of me this past week that I’m a different person suddenly? I’m still the same man who fucked his way into a better life. I’m still the same man who bears the weight of the scars, every fucking day, underneath all these tattoos. I blocked those marks out, just like I did everything else from my childhood. It doesn’t change who I am. You forcing me to face it doesn’t change who I am, either.”

  Avery refused to let Ryder do this. “All I want you to be is you. The man I saw this past week, the man who fought like hell to make sure Chris doesn’t go through the same nightmare he did, that’s you. Saying all this to me doesn’t change that. Tossing out things you aren’t proud of to try and push me away doesn’t change that. You were a scared kid with no choices who did what he had to do to survive. Can’t you see what locking all that inside is doing to you?”

  “I’m fine, Avery,” he said without emotion. “I know how to deal with this; I’ve been dealing with it my whole life.”

  “Why do you have to deal with it alone?” Avery felt like he was losing something that wasn’t even his, and he was powerless to stop it.

  Ryder didn’t answer the question but, instead, replied with an eerie calmness, “You deserve someone better. Someone who wants all that relationship shit.” Ryder pulled the handle on the door to open it. “Someone who isn’t broken. Someone…who isn’t me.” He got out of the car, slamming the door behind him.

  Avery sat stunned as he watched Ryder jog down the sidewalk and let himself in his building. What the hell had just happened? How had that spiraled out of control so fast from Avery just wanting to hold Ryder?

  The drive back to his place was a blur, but Ryder’s words rang crisp and clear in his mind over and over again. Deep-throating brought in the big bucks. I hadn’t been a virgin since I was twelve…

  I’m not the man you want me to be.

  You forcing me to face it doesn’t change who I am, either.

  Is that what he’d done? All he wanted was for Ryder to open up to him…to let him in. Guilt swept over him so intensely he almost pulled to the side of the road. Had it been his fault that Ryder was reliving such awful events from his past? He’d thought the situation with Chris was the catalyst, but was it really because Ryder felt like Avery was forcing him to face things he didn’t want to face?

  He realized, in that moment, that Ryder was exactly the man he wanted him to be. He was strong as hell; he’d fought battles Avery couldn’t even—didn’t want to—imagine, and he’d survived. Avery didn’t want to change him, he just wanted to truly know him. He’d wanted that for months.

  How had so much changed in a week?

  Deep down, Avery knew he wasn’t completely to blame for Ryder’s turmoil; what was happening to Chris was also the reason Ryder was forced to face things he’d long ago buried. Things that made him a different man on the inside than he was on the outside—but both sides of Ryder were so damn worthy of everything he wanted out of life. Avery respected the hell out of him, but it took him a long time to pull his head out of his ass. He had this bad feeling that it didn’t matter, though; Ryder was a better man than he gave himself credit for, but Avery still couldn’t shake the feeling that it would be himself who was going to get hurt. He was becoming attached to a man who would, most likely, never want more.

  He tossed and turned the entire night, thankful that he and Ryder had been out on the balcony earlier, rather than in his bed. He wasn’t sure he could handle smelling Ryder on his pillows, knowing how Ryder had just shut him out. The only thing that finally made him close his eyes was remembering that they’d both promised Nina they’d be over there tomorrow for the barbecue. Ryder would show up, if for no other reason than Chris would want him there.

  So, when Avery sat in Nina and Stan’s back yard the next day, constantly watching the gate for the man to walk through, he had a sinking feeling that he wasn’t the only one Ryder was shutting out.

  His gaze traveled to the right where Chris was sitting on Nina and Stan’s back stairs. He’d been looking for Ryder too, and Avery couldn’t help but feel like this was somehow his fault. He’d pushed Ryder too hard. The guy had begun to let his guard down, and he’d done it for Chris, not for Avery. Forcing Ryder to be real had backfired astronomically, because it brought Ryder to the conclusion that who he really was wasn’t good enough.

  Avery stood up and crossed the yard, taking a seat next to Chris on the concrete stairs. “Hey. How come you aren’t playing ball with the boys?”

  Chris looked up at him and shrugged then went back to drawing. The kid was talented; Avery had no trouble making out that he was drawing Captain America. “Where’s Ryder?” Chris asked quietly.

  I wish I knew. “He’s supposed to be here, but he mentioned yesterday that he wasn’t sure if he could make it.” Lying to the kid was a new low, but he didn’t want Chris
to feel like it had any reflection on him. Nope, just on you.

  Avery took a chance and got out his phone, shooting off a Where are you? text to Ryder. It said the message was delivered, but he had no idea if he read it. When Avery didn’t get a response, he sighed and glanced down at Chris. “I know I’m not Ryder, and we don’t know each other that well, but I’d like to be your friend.” Chris gave him a nervous side-glance. “It’s going to take some getting used to, this new situation, but I hope you realize how many people you have in your corner now.”

  “Kind of like Nick and Dylan do?”

  “Yes.”

  Chris dropped his gaze to the ground. “I’ve never had that before. It was always just me and Gram.” He began drawing again but paused. “What happened to Nick and Dylan’s parents?”

  The question came out of nowhere like a knife to Avery’s heart. He didn’t want to say the words out loud, but Chris was watching him with curiosity, waiting for the answer. “They died in a car accident last year.”

  “That’s really sad.”

  “Yeah, it was.”

  Chris flicked his eyes to Avery and then back down. “But their mom and dad didn’t do it on purpose.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Chris suddenly looked nervous. “Just that…if they had a choice…they’d still want to be here.”

  Man, kids had a way of being really blunt sometimes. Avery didn’t know where he should go from here. “Yeah, they would.” He hated making the kid feel like he couldn’t talk about it, so he patiently waited to see if Chris wanted to say anything else. When Chris didn’t continue, Avery decided a subject change was in order. “Come on. I think they’re playing it safe over there tossing the ball around. I say we challenge them and get a game going.” Chris looked up at him skeptically. “What do ya say?”

  The boy looked out at the yard, and for a second, Avery thought he was going to say no. Until he shrugged his shoulders again and responded, “Okay, I guess.”

  It was a small victory, but one Avery would gladly take.

  Ryder walked into the shop on Tuesday morning and immediately went back to his station. He was cranky as hell and wasn’t in the mood for small talk. Luckily, he had a decent day ahead of him. Keeping busy always took his mind off all the other shit.

  “You’re in trouble with Nina.”

  Without even looking up, Ryder said, “Mornin’ to you, too, Kenz.”

  “Where the hell were you yesterday? Chris was waiting for you to show up. Hell, I think even Avery was looking for you.” Man, Kenz could be pushy sometimes.

  “Chris isn’t my problem; neither is Avery.” The words felt bitter on his tongue, but he refused to take them back. Why did everyone think he was some kind of role model for the kid? He was anything but.

  “You can be infuriating sometimes, you know that?” Kenz was all fire, and Ryder had no patience for it today.

  “You about done? I gotta get ready for my first appointment.”

  “Running away from your problems doesn’t make them go away,” she continued, crossing her arms over her chest stubbornly.

  “Like you’re facing yours? Seen Charlie lately? Oh no, that’s right…you’re still hiding behind your new pain-in-the-ass girlfriend, afraid to admit you’re not happy.” He saw the fire extinguish from Kenz’s eyes, and guilt slammed into him. “Shit, Kenz, I’m sor—”

  “Fuck you, Ryder,” she snapped and walked out.

  Ryder dropped his head and exhaled, as if that was going to make all the shit in his life magically disappear. He picked up the bottle of cleaner, pushing his glasses up, and trying to block everything else out.

  No such luck…

  “Man, you’re on a roll, huh? Anyone else you wanna treat like shit?”

  “Novak, I’m not in the damn mood.” Ryder continued his prep but could still feel the man staring at him. Like all of this wasn’t hard enough.

  Of course, subtlety wasn’t Novak’s way, so he sat his ass down in the chair in the corner. “Wanna talk about it?”

  Ryder froze for a split second then continued the task of covering the chair with plastic wrap. “What’s with everyone thinking I want to talk about shit lately? There’s nothin’ to talk about. I’m fucking fine.”

  Novak snorted. “How many years you been tellin’ yourself that?”

  Ryder physically felt that comment hit his chest, and he rubbed a hand over his heart. He pressed his eyes closed, taking deep breaths.

  “We’re your friends, Ryder. Your family. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Best thing I ever did was stop running from my past. I’m not sayin’ I understand what you’re going through. I’m just sayin’ we’ll still be here, no matter how ugly that past is.”

  It was on the tip of Ryder’s tongue to throw out some sarcastic response, but he just didn’t have it in him. He’d never had that before this group of people came into his life. Never had anyone who would stand by him no matter what. He was still one hundred percent sure that he wasn’t the guy for Avery, or the guy Chris should be looking to for guidance. Yet, he had this feeling deep down that he needed to be that person who stood by Chris. “Was Chris upset?”

  “Disappointed. Today was his first day of school. Eli dropped them all off.”

  “Shit. I’m such an asshole.” How had he forgotten that? Because you were too busy feeling sorry for yourself. “I’ll stop by after work. I’m sure Nina’s gonna give me an earful.”

  “Oh, I can guaran-fucking-tee it.” Novak chuckled, and the tension dissipated some.

  Ryder hung his head back and groaned, but a laugh slipped past his lips. When he’d woken up that morning, he sure as hell didn’t think he’d find anything to laugh about. But his friends had a way of calling him out and putting things in perspective.

  Case in point, Novak added, “You need to talk to Kenz.”

  “Fuck.” He sighed. “Yeah, I’ll talk to her after I’m done with my first client.”

  Novak nodded and stood up. “Speaking of ugly, you look like shit, man.” Then the guy walked out.

  “Gee, thanks,” Ryder responded and rolled his eyes. He knew he looked like shit. He hadn’t slept at all last night, and Sunday had been a long day, first at Great Adventure and then…

  Damn, he could still feel Avery…could still remember Avery lifting his arms above his head for Ryder to take off his shirt, and that feeling of finally when they were skin to skin…how he tasted.

  But every time those memories came back they brought along with them the feeling of panic, quickly followed by embarrassment. Is that what he’d fucking done? Panicked?

  He hadn’t gotten any sleep the last two nights because all he could do was replay his words over and over again in his head. The disgusting things he’d said in defense now hung like a cloud of shame in the air. Now Avery knew. He knew what Ryder had chosen to do to feed himself. He’d never gotten arrested for it, but it didn’t make it any more acceptable.

  And damn Avery for making Ryder bring all that shit back up. Ryder knew…he fucking knew once he regurgitated all that nastiness that it would change everything. Bottom line was, he’d tried, he’d failed, and now Avery had to get it, right? Ryder couldn’t be the person Avery wanted him to be. Commitment wasn’t his lane, and if he’d learned anything over the years, it was stay in your fucking lane.

  Working on his first client helped to calm Ryder down. After he was done cleaning up, he crossed the hall to Kenz’s station. She was sitting at the counter working on a design. Ryder knocked on the wooden frame of the door, but when Kenz looked up and saw it was him, she ignored him and began drawing again.

  “Look, Kenz, I’m sorry.” When she still didn’t look up, he tried another tactic. “You can hit me in the back of the head if you want. You know how much I hate that.”

  A smile lifted at the corner of her mouth, and she rolled her eyes. “You’re lucky I love you.”

  Warmth spread throughout Ryder’s chest, so instead of spouting off someth
ing asinine, he simply said, “I am.”

  Kenz’s head came up and she stared at him, pushing a purple strand of hair behind her ear. Her eyes softened as she exhaled. “You’re right. I’ve been avoiding Charlie. She’s just… I don’t know what she’s expecting. I get that her dad was sick, and she had to help him out, but she left when things were just starting with us. Kind of felt like she got what she wanted then took off.”

  Those words hit closer to home than Kenz probably realized. “Maybe it didn’t have anything to do with you or how she felt about you. Some people just aren’t cut out for more.”

  “If you want someone enough, you’ll do anything to make it happen,” Kenz argued.

  I guess you’ll have to decide if it’s worth the risk. It felt like months ago that Avery had said those words to him. After the ass Ryder had made of himself the other night in Avery’s car, he felt like he’d risked enough. Avery had texted and tried calling him a couple of times since then, but Ryder left them all unanswered. Those disgusting tidbits about his life were polluting the air now, and he couldn’t hide them again, no matter how hard he tried. What he could do, though, was move on like he’d done in the past.

  “You’ll figure it out, Kenz. You gotta do what’s best for you. Always.” Because that was the only way to protect yourself.

  By the time Ryder turned onto Nina and Stan’s road a few hours later, he started to get antsy. It had only occurred to him minutes before that there was a possibility Avery would be there. He wasn’t ready to face him yet. As he pulled up and didn’t see Avery’s car, a feeling of relief washed over him, swiftly followed by slight disappointment. It made sense. They’d spent a lot of time together recently, but he’d get over it.

  He rang the bell, holding his breath to face Nina’s wrath, but when she opened the door instead with a boatload of concern on her face, she managed to make him feel even guiltier. Man, the woman is good. Without hesitation, she took Ryder’s hand and pulled him inside.