Appeal to You (A Beyond the Cove Novel Book 3)

by Jaclyn Quinn

  “Are you okay? I was worried about you.”

  “I didn’t mean to make you worry, Nina,” Ryder said apologetically, and he truly meant it. Nina didn’t deserve for him to shut her out. And Avery does? He shook the thought away and wrapped her in a tight hug. “Where’s Chris?”

  She released him and looked solemnly up the stairs. “In his room since he came home. I’m not sure how his first day went. All I get is a shrug in response.”

  That didn’t sit right with Ryder. Nina had a heart of fucking gold. Chris didn’t know how lucky he had it here with them. “I’ll go talk to him.”

  He climbed the stairs and knocked on Chris’s door. It didn’t take long for Chris to open it which eased his mind a little. “Can I come in?”

  There was that damn shrug again. Ryder walked past the kid into the room and sat on the edge of the bed. “So, how was school?” he asked.

  “Okay,” Chris replied as he walked over to the desk and sat down.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t come over yesterday. I uh…” Acted like an ass? Chris looked up at him with such sadness in his eyes. He deserved the truth. “I was having a bad day, and I didn’t want to bring everyone else down with my mood. You ever have one of those days? Where maybe you’re feeling a bit sorry for yourself?”

  Chris turned the chair and finally focused on Ryder. “Yeah, I feel that way sometimes. I kinda feel like…” He dropped his gaze and absently played with the tie to his basketball shorts.

  “Feel like what?” Ryder prodded, hoping the kid still felt like he could confide in him. It had only been one day, but to a kid, that probably felt like a long time.

  “Can I tell you a secret?”

  Uh… “You can trust me, but don’t feel like you have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

  Chris nodded and thought for a minute. “I feel like…like it’s my fault my mom died.” He cautiously looked up at Ryder.

  “Why would you think that?” Ryder was fucking clueless here.

  “Gram always said I look just like him…”

  Okay, now Ryder was really confused. “Who?”

  “My dad.”

  Oh. Fuck, he felt himself tripping into a situation he had no idea how to handle. Maybe he couldn’t be that guy for Chris, either. Don’t give up on him. “Why is that a bad thing?”

  The kid hung his head and started playing with the string of his shorts again. “I don’t know. My gram said my mom just…really loved him.”

  “I’m still confused.”

  Chris flicked his gaze to Ryder than quickly averted his eyes. “Last year…I found a picture of my mom holding me when I was a baby. It said our names and the date on the back.”

  “Okay…” Nothing weird there.

  “But Gram told me my mom died when she had me…in the hospital.”

  This can’t be going anywhere good. “So, then what really happened?”

  “Gram wouldn’t tell me. Said to just remember that my mom loved me and that I shouldn’t bring it up again. But I was confused, ya know?”

  “I bet.”

  “So, I used the computer at the library and looked for her name. I only found two things. One was about her funeral, but the other…” His eyes welled up with tears, and before Ryder had time to think about what he was doing, he went over to him and pulled him up into a hug. “What Gram said was a lie. She didn’t leave me ‘cause it was her time; she left me on purpose. She did it to herself. She didn’t want me,” Chris mumbled the last sentence against Ryder’s stomach, holding on to Ryder so damn tight.

  Oh, hell, what was he supposed to say to that? “Look, Chris, we can’t blame ourselves for other people’s choices. My mom died when I was younger because she didn’t take care of herself.” He left out the part about her overdosing. Hell, he hadn’t even told his friends. “And my dad…” Is still an asshole. “Let’s just say they never should’ve been parents at all.” Jesus, where the hell am I going with this? “But I refuse to blame myself for their mistakes.”

  Ryder studied Chris; the way his innocent face and red-rimmed brown eyes couldn’t hide his dejection. The way he stared down at his hands in his lap, and the worry creasing his brow. He was such a good kid. Never caused any trouble, never got angry—but he was so scared.

  “How long do you think Nina and Stan will let me stay here?” He blew out a breath and sat down on the edge of the bed.

  “As long as you need to.”

  “I…I haven’t really talked to them, and I think...I think it might make Nina sad. I don’t want to bother them.” He looked away, and added softly, “Where will I go if they don’t want me anymore? I don’t have anybody else.”

  So, Chris wasn’t being rude to Nina and Stan on purpose. He was worried that he was bothering them? Maybe even afraid to get too attached?

  Ryder knew what his answer would have been years ago. Because when he’d been in foster care, it was all about the money. Hell, maybe it still was. As long as the money didn’t run out, some asshole would give you a corner to sleep in.

  But that would never be the case with Nina and Stan. “First of all, you’re not bothering them. Nina wants you to be able to talk to her. Second of all, that will never be an issue. I messed up yesterday. I should have called and told you I wouldn’t be able to make it.” He thought back to earlier, when Novak talked some sense into him. “But I’ll still be here, no matter what.”

  He knew then and there, he meant every word.

  “You don’t think I made Nina mad?”

  Ryder chuckled. “I don’t think Nina knows what mad is. Talk to her, okay? Both of them.”

  Chris’s mouth curved up on one side. “Okay.”

  Ryder sat in the crowded bar, determined to get his life back on track. This was who he was. This he knew how to do. He sat back on the barstool, leaning against the worn wood with a beer in his hand, and scoped out the possibilities—and they were endless. It was Saturday night; of course, Jimmy Mac’s was packed with every shape and variety, ready for him to get his hands on.

  There was a guy over in the corner who’d been giving Ryder the eye for the last ten minutes. Tall, dark, and fucking hot as hell. Hair so dark it was almost black, smooth olive skin, and those fuck-me eyes that were nowhere near as blue as—shit. Focus, Ryder. Maybe he needed to stick to the ladies tonight.

  “I love your tattoos,” a sensual, female voice said from beside him. He hadn’t seen her come over, but he’d been focused on Mr. Fuck-Me Eyes. The woman traced a delicate finger over the warped clock on his forearm. It was one of the first tattoos he’d ever gotten. The face of the clock had Roman numerals, and it spiraled back as if the numbers were fading in time. He’d gotten it to remind himself that all those years were a thing of the past, and life moved on; now he felt like it was fucking metaphor for his life spiraling out of control.

  “So, tell me,” she continued, “are they all over your body?”

  Damn, woman. Jumping right in, huh? “Maybe you’ll find out.” He turned and faced the bar again. “Hey, Steve, this”—Ryder let his eyes roam down her long, lean frame and back up to her inviting breasts—“gorgeous lady needs another...” He looked to her for her drink of choice.

  “Cabernet,” she supplied.

  “You got it,” Steve said.

  Man, it had been a long time since Ryder had feasted on a woman. Because she’s not who you want. He cleared his throat, pushing that thought away. “You from around here?”

  She moved in closer, pressing those ample tits against his arm—and why the fuck did he almost move away from her? “Nope…Manhattan. Just visiting a friend for the weekend.” Ah, so this was her bad-boy experience because, let’s face it, the woman was caviar while he was pigs in a blanket. Like you and Avery.

  Steve handed the woman her glass of wine, and she took a small sip, her crimson, full lips leaving a mark on the glass. It was hot as hell to have a woman with bright red lipstick suck Eddy. Oh, for fuck’s sake! Who calls their dick Eddy
? He didn’t want to think about the answer to that question.

  “Are you a local?” she asked as she flipped her long, dark hair back behind her shoulder.

  “Born and raised.” Man, that shouldn’t be as painful to say as it was, but he’d done so much revisiting of his past over the last week. There were days when he was younger that he’d wished he’d never been born. He prayed Chris never felt that way, especially after the comment he’d made the other night about it being his fault that his mom took her own life.

  “I’m guessing you live close then?” She trailed a finger up his arm, and he watched its ascent, waiting to feel some kind of way, but…nothing.

  “Yeah, just a few blocks over.” This was the part where he was supposed to invite her to his place. She stared at him, waiting for a response, but he couldn’t get the fucking words out. Show me you can go without fucking a different person every damn weekend. Ryder dropped his head, exhaling loudly. When he looked back up, he knew what he was going to say, and man, it made no fucking sense. “Look, I’m sorry, but…”

  “There’s someone else,” she answered for him. “Shame. It would’ve been fun.” She winked at him and took another sip of her wine.

  Ryder chuckled. “I have no doubt.”

  “Well, the night is young and the lingerie’s new, so I’m just gonna…” She nudged her head in the direction of the crowd behind them.

  Ryder hung his head back and groaned. “Damn, that was just mean.”

  Her soft laugh from beside him had him looking over as a smile spread across his face. It felt like days since he’d smiled, and that was so unlike him. But there was this feeling of relief washing over him—this feeling of not wanting to fuck around and being okay with it. He’d promised himself all those years ago that he was going to live his life for himself on his terms. In this moment, he was choosing to walk away, and it felt really fucking good.

  He had no idea what to do now, though. He still wasn’t ready to face Avery. Not after everything he’d admitted the other night. There was no taking any of it back. No locking it all back up so it never saw the light of day.

  Novak was practically married, Kenz had been avoiding Jimmy Mac’s in case Charlie showed up, so that only left one person. He shot off a quick text, and quickly, he got a response from Parker that he could be there in ten minutes.

  Ryder sat at the bar, nursing a beer until the seat beside him was taken. He looked over, relieved to see his friend. “Took you long enough.”

  “Whatever, dude. That’s what you get for not telling me you were going out in the first place.” Parker waved a hand at Steve for his usual and got a nod in return.

  “I thought I wanted to be alone,” Ryder replied lamely.

  “So, you came to a packed bar?” Parker retorted, his eyebrow quirking in amusement.

  Ryder nudged his arm against Parker’s. “Shut up.”

  “Ah, so not alone, just away from anyone who gives a shit about you.” Parker smirked, but Ryder knew he wasn’t really pissed. “I thought you and Avery were turning a corner.”

  Ryder blanched. “Where the fuck did you get that idea?”

  Parker barked out a laugh. “Am I fucking blind? I knew something was going on between you two since he walked in the shop the other day.”

  “Actually, nothing had been going on between us yet, so screw you very much.”

  “Yet?”

  Fuck. Facepalm. Ryder sighed. “Okay, yeah, something started between me and Avery, but it’s over now.”

  “Dude, tell me you didn’t pull your usual shit. Not with Avery.” The smile faded from Parker’s face, and damned if Ryder wasn’t feeling the scrutiny. “Tell me you didn’t fuck him and ditch.” Ryder felt all the color drain from his face. “Jesus Christ, Ryder.” Parker slowly shook his head and grimaced, rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t get you sometimes, man.” He pushed his auburn hair back off his forehead and took a swig of his beer.

  Ryder swallowed a few times, holding down the Yuengling that seemed hell-bent on coming back up. That’s exactly what he’d done. He’d fucking got off with Avery and then freaked the fuck out. But it wasn’t the same as his usual shit. “It’s not what you think, Parker.”

  Ryder adjusted his glasses and took a deep breath. He didn’t want to acknowledge his hands shaking or his heart pounding, but he somehow felt compelled to get it all out in the open. Let his friend know the truth, and let him decide how he felt about Ryder after.

  “Enlighten me,” Parker said, and although the words held a shit ton of sarcasm, he was giving Ryder his full attention.

  So, he told him most of it. He didn’t feel the need to rehash the things he’d admitted to Avery in his weaker moments. But he talked about some of the bad times in foster care, his shit parents, and even Chris. “And Avery helped me through all of it with Chris: looking for him, checking in on him…listening to me spew some shit about myself that I’d rather not go into.” He looked at Parker nervously out of the corner of his eye, and realized his friend wasn’t judging him or looking at him with pity but was, instead, listening to him intently.

  Ryder sighed and shrugged then chuckled from the movement. Damn kid’s rubbing off on me. “So, yeah, some things happened between me and Avery. We didn’t fuck but…anyway, I didn’t bail; I freaked out.”

  “Freaked out how?”

  Fuck. How the hell did he explain this one? “I don’t know… Avery was all sweet and shit, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I don’t think I realized until that exact moment why I always leave right after the grand finale.”

  Parker blew out a breath, like he didn’t know what to say to that. “Shit, man.”

  “Yeah. But you know what? It’s for the best because what the fuck makes me think I should be with a guy like Avery?” He looked down at his glass because he couldn’t bear to see the pity in Parker’s eyes. “He deserves better, ya know?”

  “Look, I can’t tell you how you should feel or how to handle this, but don’t fall back on that cliché as a safety net.” Parker sounded pissed, but what the hell did he have to be angry about? Ryder opened his mouth to argue, but he saw the sincerity in Parker’s eyes and snapped it shut again. “Man, I fucking hate that excuse. Who are you to say what he deserves or wants? If you don’t want to be with Avery, that’s one thing, but if you’re gonna try to convince me you’re not good enough for him, I call bullshit.”

  “But—”

  “No, Ryder. You talk about moving on, living your life for you, but that’s not what you’re doing. You’re making excuses when, in reality, there’s nothing wrong with admitting you’re scared.”

  Was he scared? He thought back to the other night when Avery held him, and yeah, he’d been scared. Actually, he’d been terrified of wanting it too much. Terrified of the memories that were stopping him from holding Avery and what that reaction truly meant. Jesus, was he broken?

  “Avery’s different,” Parker continued. “He’s always been different for you; more, somehow. Maybe there’s a reason for that.” Parker thought for a second then added, “Maybe for the first time, you’re realizing that living your life for you includes Avery. You have the power not to let those fucked-up things rule your life, and you have the power to choose who you want to live that life with.”

  “Whoa…that just got fucking deep,” Ryder teased, but he thought about Parker’s words. About the validity of them. If he gave up on what he could possibly have with Avery, wasn’t that the same as letting his past fuck with his life? Wasn’t that the same as letting those bastards win?

  “What can I say? I’m fucking awesome at giving advice; I just suck at making decisions for myself.” Parker laughed, but Ryder held himself back from bringing up the guy Parker was currently seeing. He’d learned that lesson with Kenz, even if he still thought they both were fooling themselves.

  “One more round and we’ll get the hell outta here, yeah?” Parker asked.

  “Yeah, sounds good. Thanks, man.” Ry
der realized he felt lighter with everything he’d told his friend. Maybe that was a step in the right direction.

  “Anytime.”

  “Phyllis, did the information packet from FAFS get here?” Avery asked his office assistant.

  Phyllis smiled. “Trust me…the second the Foster and Adoption packet comes, it’ll be in your hand.”

  Avery hung his head and laughed, pressing his thumb and forefinger into the inner corners of his tired eyes. “Sorry. I guess I’m just anxious.”

  Her face softened. “I know you are.”

  He’d had a lot of time to think over the last few days, especially with Ryder not returning his calls or texts for the past week. He’d had a feeling, before they’d even crossed that line, that he’d be the one getting hurt in all this. And even though he had gotten hurt, it wasn’t in the way he’d thought it would be. Knowing Ryder was going through shit Avery couldn’t even begin to understand didn’t make it any easier, though. He was being shut out, and it hurt like hell. Maybe Ryder was right; maybe Avery wanted him to be someone he just wasn’t.

  So, after some thinking and weighing the pros and cons, he’d decided to focus on something he could do to help make a difference. Single people became foster parents all the time, so why couldn’t he? The thought had rolled around in his head until he’d finally talked to Nina and Stan about it. He knew that road hadn’t been easy for them, but he could also see how Chris was lucky to have a safe place to stay. Ryder had never had that. And there go my thoughts again; always on Ryder lately.

  Avery glanced out his office door, across the open reception area, to the closed door on the other side. The other office was identical to his; it was what they’d liked about this building when he and Kevin had first started their own practice. Avery handled the family law side of it, and Kevin had taken on business-related and small claims cases. Now, Kevin’s office sat empty and served as a painful reminder that he was gone.

  Seemed pretty hypocritical for Avery to think that Ryder needed to let go of the things that haunted him, when Avery still hadn’t been able to find a new law partner. It wasn’t nearly the same thing, but he hadn’t forced himself to move on, either.