Appeal to You (A Beyond the Cove Novel Book 3)
Page 17
“It’s okay,” Avery said first. “I can go.” And although he’d said the words, Ryder could see how difficult it was for him. Avery didn’t really want to go, and deep down, Ryder knew he didn’t want Avery to go, either.
He took the few steps needed to be in front of Avery. “I don’t want you to leave. I’m not sure how to do this, but I want to try.” He took a deep breath and released it.
“What are you thinking right now?” Avery asked, and the understanding in his voice was a relief to hear.
“Honestly? This is the part where I start getting antsy. I need to shower…like, right now…and obviously, I have a feeling I know where that comes from. It’s just weird how I never really thought about it before.”
“That’s not something you need to analyze tonight. It’s also not completely unrealistic. Nothing wrong with it, actually.”
They were standing there, both still naked, and having this conversation like they were talking about the weather or the news. It crossed Ryder’s mind how he’d never had that level of comfort before, especially after sex. “We could…try it together, if you want.”
Worry eased from Avery’s brow and he nodded. “Just don’t be afraid to tell me if it’s too much. We don’t need to take this any faster than you’re ready for.”
Ryder nodded and kissed Avery, taking his hand as he led him down the hall to his bathroom. It didn’t take long for the water to heat up and they both stepped into the shower. Oddly enough, the shower was one place Ryder had never had sex. He had a lot of idiosyncrasies that he’d never really analyzed before Avery came into the picture. A lot of it had been flat out refusal to look at what his past had done to him. Some of it came from denial that those things he refused to look at had any bearing on his life.
He couldn’t avoid what was becoming blatantly obvious, though; he had some defense mechanisms he hadn’t been aware of, and now that he was aware, he was having trouble blocking out all the bad shit again.
“Hey…you okay?” Avery reached a hand out but stopped before touching Ryder.
“Please don’t do that.”
Avery’s face paled. “What?”
“Don’t pull away from me. If it gets to be too much, I’ll tell you.” Jesus, it sounded so stupid when he said it out loud. He was the one who had fucking freaked out a couple of weeks ago, but he didn’t want Avery to start tiptoeing around him.
Avery moved right in front of Ryder, cupping his face as he kissed him. This he could do, so what the hell had been his problem the other night?
They didn’t linger in the shower too long, and soon, they were sitting on the couch in just their underwear. They each leaned on an arm of the couch facing each other, but it felt like they were waiting for the other to talk.
Luckily, Avery began by saying, “I’m looking into becoming a foster parent.”
“What?” Well, that was an unexpected bombshell to drop. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah, I am.” Avery rubbed the back of his neck, a slight hesitation in his voice when he said, “When I think about what you went through, the fear in your eyes when you knew Chris would have to go into foster care…I had to do something. I meant what I said when we were looking for him; I would’ve given anything to take that haunted look out of your eyes that night, but I was helpless to do so. In some strange way, I felt like I’d failed you.”
“Avery…” Ryder shook his head, and without giving it much thought, he sat up and climbed onto Avery’s lap, straddling his hips. “No one has ever done anything like that for me before. Not gonna lie, a lot of fucking people failed me, but you were never one of them. You never will be.” Ryder took Avery’s mouth in a slow kiss, holding his face in place as he tried to convey all he was feeling in that one moment.
He pulled his head back and rested his forehead against Avery’s, breathing him in for several heartbeats. He felt Avery’s hands run up and down his back and sank into the comfort it gave him. “Can I ask you something?” Avery whispered.
“Yeah,” Ryder whispered back.
“How do you feel right now?”
Ryder pressed in closer, nuzzling his face in the crook of Avery’s neck. He kissed his hot skin, lapping at the spot right underneath his ear. “What do you mean? Horny, and all those other words that mean horny.” He chuckled, his mouth brushing against Avery’s skin.
“So…you don’t feel like you want to push me away?”
Ryder lifted his head, his brow furrowed. “Push you away? Why would I—?” Ryder dropped his gaze and realized he was clinging to Avery. “Huh. I don’t even know how to explain this one.”
“Let me ask you something. Have you ever told anyone all that stuff from your past? The things you said to me in the car the other night?” Avery’s hands were still running up and down the bare skin of Ryder’s back, leaving soothing sensations in their path.
“No. I’ve never wanted to tell anyone. Still can’t believe I told you in such a shitty way.” Ryder’s fingers played with the hair on the back of Avery’s head, like he couldn’t help but touch him.
“Why didn’t you want anyone to know?”
Ryder sighed. “I don’t know. I guess I always felt like I had to hide that part of myself. I don’t want to be judged for that shit.” He started to push away but saw the pleading in Avery’s eyes to talk about this.
“Would you say you pushed people away so that you wouldn’t get close enough to have to tell them about your past?” Avery pulled Ryder closer, and damned if Ryder didn’t want to burrow into his warmth.
Ryder thought for a minute. What person would be okay once you told them that you’d sold yourself just to fucking survive? Who would want a guy to unleash all the disgusting shit he’d gone through as a child? The only truth he knew for sure, in that moment, was… “No one wants a used toy, Avery. Hell, I’m not even a gently used toy. I’m the kind you find in a box of junk at a yard sale and the owner wants a fucking quarter for the whole damn thing.”
Ryder once again went to get up, but this time he settled down when he saw the fire of anger in Avery’s eyes. “Don’t ever call yourself that again. I know all that shit about you. I know the hell you went through. You may not have wanted to tell me the way you did, but it happened, and you know what? I’m still fucking here. There’s no reason for you to push me away anymore.
“The other night on the balcony, I didn’t know any of that yet, and you pulled away from me the second things became more intimate. Hell, you were fucking trembling because I think, in the back of your mind, that was your defense mechanism. Don’t get too close or someone will find out.”
Ryder’s heart was pounding a mile a minute as he listened to Avery. “But look at you now. Look at us. I know all that shit, and I’m not going anywhere. This feels more right to me than anything ever has.” He paused for a second then added, “And I think it does for you, too. That’s why you’re letting me hold you right now. I’m so fucking grateful for it because, I’m not gonna lie, it hurt like hell when you shut me out. But you’ve been through hell and back; you have no idea how strong you are.”
He felt such a bone-deep pain in his chest, knowing he’d hurt Avery that way. But Avery was right; Ryder had nothing to hide from him anymore. Was that the sudden shift from the other night to tonight? Because Ryder didn’t want to push him away. Hell, he didn’t want any space between them at all. He felt his emotions going haywire, and to save himself the embarrassment of tearing up, he wrapped his arms around Avery. Avery held him back tightly, and Ryder didn’t want him to let go.
Ryder stood up and led Avery down the hall to his bedroom. He was terrified to screw this up, but the stronger instinct—the one telling him he wanted Avery in his bed—was the one he listened to.
They crawled into bed, but Ryder didn’t reach for him. Instead, they lay on their sides facing each other. “No one’s ever spent the night with me before,” he said into the darkness.
“Are you okay with it?”
�
��Yeah, but I’m not sure about…you know, the whole…cuddling thing.” He cracked a smile because, well, having a conversation about cuddling wasn’t one he’d ever envisioned himself having with someone else. It sounded like contract negotiations. Owner of Body One has permission to fuck Body Two into the goddamn couch. Hugging is permitted; however, cuddling is to be determined at a later date. Ryder snorted, and Avery raised an eyebrow, knowing something had just been going through Ryder’s head. “Sorry. This whole thing…talking about cuddling…is really fucking strange.”
Avery cupped Ryder’s cheek, moving his thumb slowly back and forth over his skin. “We’ll get there.” He leaned in and kissed Ryder then pulled his hand away from Ryder’s face. Ryder watched him for a long time until he finally closed his own eyes and drifted off to sleep.
Avery walked into Inkubus carrying a flat, rectangular box in one hand and a tray with four coffees in the other.
“Oh my God, please tell me one of those coffees is for me,” Parker groaned. “I’ve got the client from fucking hell. If he asks me to change one more damn thing on his website before I’ve even shown him the finished product, I’m gonna fucking lose it.” Parker sighed, putting his laptop down on the table. He leaned his head on the back of the couch and closed his eyes.
Avery laughed. “Yup. Cream, two sugars.” Parker had been particularly stressed out lately, and apparently, it had to do with some engagement party he was going to in a few weeks. Parker got up and took the tray of drinks out of Avery’s hand. “You okay, man?” he asked Parker.
“Yeah. Just a lot on my mind, I guess.”
“Hey.” Hearing Ryder’s voice behind him, Avery turned and was no longer surprised with the feeling that washed over him whenever he saw the man.
And now that they’d stopped hiding what was between them, he leaned down and kissed him. “Hi. Thought you could use an afternoon treat.”
Ryder widened his eyes, putting a hand to his chest as he gasped. “Right here? In the middle of the shop? Well, okay…” He hooked his thumbs in his suspenders and pulled them down off his shoulders, letting them fall to his sides. “Parker, close your eyes.”
Parker chuckled. “Can you at least give me the donuts first?” He took the box from Avery and set it down on the glass counter.
Avery hung his head and laughed. “What am I going to do with you?” he asked Ryder.
“So…so many things. I have a list. That reminds me, do you have any handcuffs at your place?” The sexy man smirked as color heated Avery’s face, and Parker busted out a laugh.
Avery leaned down, his lips pressing close to Ryder’s ear. “No, but a necktie works just as well.”
“Hot damn,” Ryder whispered.
“I feel like I should be paying for this show. Wait, let me get comfortable.” Parker grabbed a napkin and his coffee, picked up a chocolate donut, and sat back down on the couch. He waved a hand at Avery and Ryder. “Carry on.”
“No defiling the shop,” a deep voice said from the hallway. Jake looked back at Eli, who was walking out behind him. “At least, not again.” Eli’s face reddened in seconds, but he sure as hell wasn’t denying it. “What’s up, Avery?”
“Hey. Just bringing you guys an afternoon pick-me-up. Coffees are on the counter.” He looked down at Ryder and pulled a bottle of chocolate milk out of his suit pocket. “I didn’t forget about you.”
“I knew you wouldn’t.” One simple sentence, and it carried so much weight.
“I have to get back to the office. I have a meeting in thirty minutes about a custody battle.”
“Huh…what would that be like? Two parents fighting over who gets to have the kid.” There was pain behind Ryder’s statement, but he’d taken so many strides in the last few days to be more open with Avery and their friends.
“Unfortunately, this is more about spite than getting custody. Makes me want to tell both parents to go to hell.” He rubbed his hands up and down Ryder’s arms. Being with him like this in front of their friends was so much easier than Avery ever thought it would be. “We still on for tonight? I’ll swing by here and then you and I can go get Chris. The movie starts at six-thirty.”
They wanted to spend as much time as they could with Chris. It was no longer just about keeping their promise of visiting him; they genuinely liked spending time with him. There was something so effortless about how the three of them got along. Ryder was still the person Chris turned to most, but Avery felt like he had his own bond with Chris now that he wouldn’t trade for anything.
“Yeah, we’re still on. I’ll see you later.” Ryder kissed Avery again.
As Avery was about to walk to the door, he caught Parker looking at them despondently; something akin to longing. Parker quickly averted his eyes and picked his laptop back up. If Avery had to guess, it was the same kind of yearning he used to feel when he looked at Jake and Eli. He glanced back at Ryder and comfort filled his chest. The possibility that he didn’t have to search for it anymore seemed more real every day, and that wasn’t something he ever thought he’d be able to say. They hadn’t said the words, but Avery could only hope Ryder’s feelings for him were just as strong. He kissed Ryder one more time—just because he could—and said, “I’ll see you later.”
Several hours later, Avery, Ryder, and Chris walked into the diner and were seated at a table.
“I still can’t believe that movie ended like that! That was so cool!” Chris said as he climbed into the booth first. Avery and Ryder sat next to each other on the opposite side of the table.
“It was cool. Guess we’ll have to see the next one. Way to end on a cliffhanger,” Ryder replied, picking up his menu.
“I don’t even know why you’re bothering to look at the menu. You always get the same thing,” Avery teased, and then at the same time, he and Chris both said, “Pork roll, egg, and cheese, pizza fries, and a Coke.” The two of them laughed when Ryder cocked an eyebrow. “Man, that combination would probably make me sick,” Avery added.
Ryder slapped his menu closed. “You don’t know what you’re missing.” He smiled at Chris. “I don’t even know how you can fit anything else. You ate that whole popcorn by yourself.”
It was said in jest, but everyone had noticed that Chris had been eating better lately. He’d gotten out of the habit of being afraid to take food in Nina and Stan’s house. Nina, having done all this before, began leaving a basket on the counter full of grab-and-go snacks like granola bars and pretzels.
Fortunately, Chris’s need to eat sparingly came from his grandmother trying to stretch her funds to take care of both of them, not because of neglect. As Ryder opened up more and more about his past, Avery discovered there were days he hadn’t even been allowed to eat, especially if there were biological children involved. They were always the priority. It took everything in Avery not to walk into DCPP in a fit of rage and ask how the hell they’d missed what had been going on—what still may be going on—in some homes. And it solidified his decision to move forward with becoming a foster parent.
“Trust me,” Chris replied, patting his stomach, “I have plenty of room for more food.”
Avery rolled his eyes and nudged Ryder with his elbow. “You’re rubbing off on the kid.”
“And this is a problem how?” Ryder and Chris both started laughing, and seeing how happy they both were, Avery couldn’t help but join in.
When the laughter died down and they’d ordered their meals, Chris started fidgeting. It looked like he was gearing up to say or ask something, but he nervously looked down at his clasped hands on the table.
“Hey,” Ryder said, flicking the side of Chris’s hand. “What’s up?”
Chris shrugged, which they all knew by now was code for something bothering him. “I have a lot of fun with you guys, ya know?”
“We have fun with you, too,” Avery said, and it was completely true. He just clicked with them. With the whole family, actually.
“If they make me go someplace else, can we still
do stuff like this?”
Could they? Avery hadn’t allowed himself to think about what would happen if Chris had to go into another foster home. He didn’t think Ryder could, either. Truth was, Avery knew Ryder was probably more attached to the kid now than he’d ever been. He’d spent more time with him in the last few weeks than he had at the apartment complex.
Ryder opened and closed his mouth a few times, floundering like a fish out of water. He didn’t want to answer that question any more than Avery did. We can’t promise him that, and it’s fucking killing us.
“We’d like that, but ultimately, it wouldn’t be up to us,” Avery responded and could hear the sorrow in his own voice.
“Why can’t it be up to me?” Chris seemed to have moved past sadness and on to anger within the last week. He hung his head, exhaling loudly. “I miss my grandma; she’s the only one who loved me. But when I’m with you guys, it all doesn’t feel so bad, ya know?”
“Yeah, we know,” Avery answered. “We’ll work it out. Let’s not worry about that until we have to, okay?”
But Avery knew that was easier said than done, because now, all he would do was worry about it.
Avery tossed his keys on the island in his kitchen and went straight for the fridge. “Do you want a drink?”
“Yeah…several.” Ryder flopped down on the couch with a heavy sigh. “What the fuck are we supposed to do, Avery? I don’t want him to get his hopes up, but I hate not being able to say that we’ll be able to stick around.”
Avery handed him a beer and sat beside him. “I know. I feel the same way.”
“What will happen to Chris if they can’t find any family?” He was afraid of the answer but conjuring up awful scenarios in his head wasn’t helping.
“He’ll stay in foster care with hopes of adoption.”
Ryder set his beer down then closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the couch. “So, basically foster care. People don’t want older kids. I know from experience. After a few years in hell, I gave up on the idea. As soon as I turned eighteen, I signed myself out of the fucked-up system. I was gonna be responsible for my own life at that point and screw everyone else.”