Unhidden

by Robert Kandell

  In September 1928, Dr. Alexander Fleming, a bacteriologist, returned from a summer vacation in Scotland to find a messy lab bench. Upon examining some colonies of Staphylococcus aureus, Dr. Fleming noticed that a mold called Penicillium notatum had contaminated his Petri dishes. Upon scrutinizing the dishes under his microscope, he was amazed to find that the mold prevented the normal growth of the staphylococci. Dr. Fleming could have looked at his “mess,” gotten upset, cleaned his desk, and judged his results as an epic failure. Rather, he choose to investigate the outcome and, in doing so, save millions of lives with his discovery. He famously wrote this about his findings: “I certainly didn’t plan to revolutionize all medicine by discovering the world’s first antibiotic, or bacteria killer. But I guess that was exactly what I did.” Science does not deem results of experiments in terms of “good” or “bad.” Instead, scientists label an experiment “significant” or “insignificant” based on whether or not it proves the experiment hypothesis. Although Dr. Fleming’s results were “insignificant,” they changed the face of the world.

  Maybe perfectionism is one of the terms of your own life and you are often your worst critic when it comes to your actions. You think in extremes and, if you’re not hitting the ball out of the park, you are failing. You beat yourself up around your mistakes rather than seeking to find the wisdom in them. Unlike Dr. Fleming, your intense ego prevents you from getting valuable information from what didn’t work. This is what I mean by building self-esteem. You can live your life in your personal safety zone, fearing making a miscue, or you can live life large, empower yourself, misstep, and then learn and apologize. I am not advocating undeliberate, hedonistic action. Instead, I am recommending living outside your comfort zone to find out who you truly are, what you are made of, and how far you can stretch yourself.

  My self-esteem is built upon thousands of miscues, some of which are terribly embarrassing. However, I have created a practice to not ignore them but to learn from them. I have gone from a boy who couldn’t stand to look at himself in the mirror to teaching lectures in a room with over a thousand people revealing my deepest darkest aspects of myself. In my self-revealing of who I am, I’ve moved through my own personal shame, found my bliss, and learned how to live unHIDDEN. Most importantly, I’ve created a space for myself to take chances.

  Know Your Purpose

  Our parents, consciously or not, often apply pressure on their sons to follow them in their life path and culture. As young men, since our programming conflates our survival with our parents’ approval, we often blindly submit to their desire and end up with lives that are antithetical to who we truly are. In my work with men, I tend to see two different ends of a spectrum. On one side, I see men who follow in their father’s footsteps without realizing there is another option. On the other side, I see men who completely reject this path and avoid doing anything that reminds them of their fathers. While some may experience success on these two choices, more often than not, they lead to disillusionment and disappointment in life. I believe in honoring but not blindly following your father’s path. Let’s start with two basic facts:

  Fact #1: You are your father’s son.

  Fact #2: You are your own person.

  When you reject the first fact, you believe that half of yourself—half of your DNA—is wrong. This rejection can have detrimental effects. If you reject the second fact, you lose the opportunity to explore the untapped parts of yourself that want to be explored. I am the combination of my mother’s and father’s biology, viewpoints, and concepts on who I should be in this world. I am also the sum of my experiences, learning, and viewpoints I’ve adopted and customized for my belief systems. The point where I got into total agreement of these two facts is when my life started to get deeper and easier.

  You are searching for your place in the world. You are often judging yourself against other men and your parent’s expectations. This is a lose-lose situation. When you start to live unHIDDEN, you bring to the surface who you are internally. This allows you to make more authentic choices to live the exact life you want to live. I won’t say finding your authentic path will be easy. In fact, depending on what you uncover inside of yourself, it might be one of the most challenging parts of your life. When you go against your culture, heritage, and/or religion to truly live your life, you might experience the challenge of a blank slate. When I broke with my father’s path, I was thrust into a world where everything was new. I was accustomed to having him by my side, in my brain, and over my shoulder for every major decision of my life. Now he was gone. However, I can tell you, as someone who has followed two distinct paths, his father’s and his own, there is absolutely nothing more rewarding than being true to your own desire.

  16

  PAYING QUALITY ATTENTION TO A WOMAN

  How to Relate to Women

  When it comes to women, men are still following old scripts while the world continues to evolve. What worked in the past is not working anymore. There is a whole new way to be. However, until men commit to change, relationships will continue to decline and people in them will feel disillusioned.

  As discussed in the CONFRONT section, women’s power in the world is increasing and their relationship to you is changing. To put it bluntly, they don’t need you the same way their mothers and grandmothers did. Women no longer need a male partner to be financially solvent—they have their own careers, savings, and brokerage accounts. Women are forming stronger bonds with each other through groups and women’s empowerment movements. The sisterhood culture has always existed, but recent times have brought them together with stronger calls of action for them to be truly equal in today’s society. When it comes to men, sex, and porn, women are starting to push back overtly and saying “No, this is not how I want to be touched.” It’s a tough time to be a man.

  My proposed solution is this: Confront these issues head on.

  This is no easy task. It will mean turning down the volume of your ego, listening, and saying to the women your life, “I want to learn.” It is admitting that you don’t know everything and that you are ready to understand how she specifically wants to be related to. It is the best time in our human history to be a man because we have the opportunity to interact with empowered women. However, in order to do so, we have to learn to stop relying on old scripts and begin learning new ones. My viewpoint is that books like the one you are reading is a good start to your journey. To get to mastery, however, you’ll need the attention of a powerful woman. She will be the one to educate you on the fine details of what she wants more than any man can do. It’s been my experience that women are thrilled to educate you, but only if you approach them with humility, show enthusiasm, and express gratitude.

  The intention of this section is to offer viewpoints on how to end the antagonistic war that men are currently fighting with women. Please note that I am not letting women off the hook for their contribution to this war. However, as this is a book for men, my desire is for you to learn to change old generational habits and learn to relate in a collaborative manner. This may seem impossible in the moment but, with practice, I have no doubt that you, a good man, can evolve and expand to make it so.

  Ask Questions, Hear the Answers

  One quiet evening with a girlfriend named Justine, I asked what I thought would be a simple question: “What can I do better in our relationship?”

  While we had built our relationship on speaking the truth to each other, I was expecting something fun, light, or even flirty such as “Flowers, please,” “Take me out more,” or “You could take off my clothes right now.” Instead, she looked at me directly and said, “I don’t like the way you kiss.” Her truth hit me like a punch to my gut, I lost my breath and my head started to spin. Since I was a teacher of relationships, I had prided myself at being an expert in many matters of sexuality and, in particular, a most excellent kisser. Her expression that my kissing skills weren’t even likable ripped my heart from my chest. My feelings were hurt and
my ego devastated.

  I then realized I had three choices in the moment. I could (a) disconnect, (b) get up on my high horse, punish her for her truth (“You’re crazy, every other woman has liked my kissing—what’s wrong with you?”), or (c) get curious. I chose the third door.

  “Okay,” I said evenly, “What don’t you like about it? What can I do better?”

  Her face, which had been neutral, turned to a deep smile and she moved closer to me on our bed. Then she looked closely at my face, taking in my eyes to make sure my request for more information was sincere. She told me later no man had ever received her speaking her raw truth, and she was surprised. She was used to other men’s fragile egos, which would have blocked her.

  She then took my face in her hands with her warm fingers, angled my head slightly, and leaned in close. I could smell the clean scent of her skin and breath as her lips came in light contact with mine. I responded by opening my mouth. She paused for a moment said quietly, “Now, go slower … yes … a little less tongue … push your lips into mine and tease my tongue into your mouth … uh … yes.”

  This pivotal moment in my life taught me several valuable lessons about women. First, they normally do not feel sufficiently space to tell men their truth. Second, I witnessed myself responding to a truth I didn’t like. Initially, I started to build up my defenses and accusations for my ego to protect myself—from what? The fact my girlfriend didn’t like the way I kissed? No, it was the revelation that my image of myself as a quintessential lover wasn’t true. I didn’t want to confront my own feelings of inadequacy. Lastly, I learned that, if I listened deeply, then I could learn something and ultimately my entire life would improve. My sex life improved dramatically by my willingness to listen because (a) I could hear more and more truth of what she wanted and (b) she felt safer to live unHIDDEN with me.

  It’s in the Details

  When most men meet a woman, they tend to look at the more overt aspects of her appearance. They might notice her hair, smile, smell, body type—including breasts and derrière, skin, and overall personality. Men will see the attractiveness of a woman’s eyes but tend not to notice or remember the actual color.

  Women, on the other hand, tend to recognize everything. They are trained to look at details such as your hair, your teeth, how your clothes match and fit you, your overall body language, accent, eyes, and body shape. They will notice your shoes and whether they go with your outfit. They will notice your eye color and whether or not you can maintain eye contact with them. They will also take an overall gauge of your presence and energetic state. In other words, women notice significantly more than men do.

  It takes practice and acumen to start to notice the details of women. However, when you do, the reward for their enjoyment of feeling seen is well worth your efforts. I am personally still working on my noticing skills. My standard tendency is to not notice the fine details of Morgan. I sometimes miss her haircuts but do my best to take in the whole picture. Women want you to acknowledge their clothes or how they’ve worked to enhance their attractiveness. At a minimum, notice and acknowledge their shoes.

  However, this is just the start. Women want you to notice the details beyond the physical. They want you to notice their moods, energies, and other subtleties. It’s important to look at this practice as a skill like any other and it is on you to respectfully ask the women in your lives to help you. The easier you make it for women to educate you, the more softly your ego responds to their adjustments and the faster your education will occur. It’s hard on one’s self esteem to be reminded of what you don’t notice about women but it’s better than not knowing at all!

  Be Nice

  When I asked my teacher Victor Baranco for the secret to a powerful relationship, he said simply, “Be nice.” When I attempted to get more details to fully understand the viewpoint, he recommended I do not complicate matters; just understand that when we treat people well, they tend to stay with us. The teacher then extended the viewpoint: “Being nice is telling the truth without anger.” To me, this means you are willing to communicate what's on the inside but you don't imbue it with your own filter. I believe the nicest thing you can do in this world is to reveal yourself to another human being.

  My personal commitment in my relationships is to speak the truth in the moment of disconnection with the least amount of charge. This process can be sometimes logistically difficult, emotionally challenging, or downright scary. However, when you delay speaking your truth, the pain can easily increase and the chasm of disconnection will expand exponentially over time. My choice is to confront an issue as soon as possible. Here is an example of pristine communication around a charged moment between Morgan and myself.

  Me: Can we stop for a second? When you said you don’t care, I felt invalidated and unimportant in the conversation. I was surprised by it.

  Her: Oh, I’m sorry. I can understand how my words could have you feel.

  Me: Thank you, I appreciate that. Thank you for apologizing. Would you let me know what your motivation was for saying you don’t care?

  Her: I actually meant I didn’t care if we went to that specific restaurant. I do care about going with you, but just not the location!

  Me: Got it. I totally misheard that. Thank you for clearing it up.

  Her: I really appreciate you asking for clarification.

  Me: My pleasure.

  Result: Connection from disconnection!

  Instead of holding onto the impact of the miscommunication, I took the extra step to keep things clear, therefore avoiding a withheld value judgement from rising between us. I had the option of imbuing my first comment with my own litany of pain and baggage with an accusing “You did this!” I could have conflated every time another woman had said something that had me feel shame and brought them all to this communication. No, that’s my baggage. Its responsible to speak my truth in the moment in present time without lumping her in with old wounds.

  Being nice doesn't mean your boundaries get trampled. If someone has a disconnection with you and they are speaking to you with anger, I would recommend using a statement such as this: “I completely want to understand your experience, but I cannot hear you right now. Would you be willing to be still for a couple of moments so the anger can settle? Then we can start again.”

  However, being nice does mean to be willing to put your own agenda aside for a moment to connect with the other person. It means being mindful of each element of your communication to ensure you are communicating with clarity. Being nice also means choosing connection over being right. We spend a lot of time and energy ensuring we land on the top of the ladder in most situations. The expert communicator is willing to let go of bullying to ensure his status to make sure the other person feels heard and regarded. It means putting your ego aside in service to connection.

  Finally, be nice to yourself. We all have an internal critic whose dialogue is horrific most of the time. We beat ourselves up time and time again. In a following section, we discuss the habit of self-sabotage. Learn to take care of your most important resource, you.

  Presence

  One night, Morgan and I were discussing some challenges she was having with the children. I listened intently and, when she was finished, I started to give her some feedback of what I had noticed and what I thought she should do. While I was talking, I noticed her eyes constrict and her face move into a slight frown. I stopped immediately.

  Me: Is there something wrong?

  Morgan: I really just wanted you to validate my feelings.

  Me: Oops, my masculine got in the way there. I apologize. Pause! Rewind! Let me try that again!

  I’ve learned the primary thing women want from men is presence. This buzzword has been discussed by many self-development teachers. From my personal experience, this is the core of what women truly want. They want a man who can stand on his own two feet, feel into his body, and be a solid place where they—the women—can be themselves. My definition of presence is
simply a demonstration of a man’s solid belief in who he is in this world and how he shows up available, aware, and conscious. A woman wants a container where she can feel safe to be fully who she is, and a man’s presence provides this for her. She wants to be able to emote her feelings, describe her sexual desires, speak her inspirations, and be free in her expression. If a man has presence, he can stand with her in her full expression. Deida wrote: “When a woman gets emotionally intense, a mediocre man wants to calm her down and discuss it, or leave and come back later when she is ‘sane.’ A superior man penetrates her mood with imperturbable love and unwavering consciousness.”

  The pathway to imperturbable love is through building your own confidence and having your own form of self-validation. If your sanity rests in the woman, then your presence will waver with her ups and downs, making it difficult to hold your center.

  It is important to make one distinction: You are not for your partner’s feelings. We often make statements like “You hurt my feelings” or “Stop making me feel bad.” These are misleading, as we are always 100 percent responsible for our own emotions. We can choose how we react to someone else’s behavior. However, you are responsible for the impact you make on a woman with your actions. When you are present with a woman, you can start to notice the difference between the stimuli you provide and her reaction while focusing on making more deliberate communications. This is called keeping your side of the street clean.