Unhidden

by Robert Kandell

  When a woman is in what Deida calls her feminine storm, she wants you to stay strong and centered to not take her feelings personally. I appreciate how this can be challenging when she’s angry and throwing barbs at you. However, the more presence you can hold, the stronger your core, the safer she will feel and the sooner her anger will dissipate. Ironically, while women want you to feel available to hold all of who they are inside their emotions, they also want you to have a strong sense of vulnerability. They want you to be able to feel, discuss, and learn from the power of your emotions. Women are trained from birth to have emotional intelligence. Men, on the other hand, are taught to treat emotion as a pariah. To have a successful relationship, a man must know how to feel his own feelings at the right time or put them aside when needed. It’s a challenging balance to understand and experience.

  To further complicate this dichotomy, women do not want to be your mother. They want the opportunity to feel maternalistic feelings, but on a very deliberate and rare occasion. Many men in today’s society have been described as another man-child by women with children. They do not feel met with a strong partner to run their household. They want you to be able to hold your own and, at the appropriate times, lean on them for support. Men who act like boys make assumptions that their partners will just take care of things. For example, I take out the trash without Morgan asking, not because I am helping her but because I deem that is both our jobs to keep the house clean. There is a subtle but important difference between the two, with the latter about creating and maintaining equality in our relationship. In her previous relationship, she had to remind her partners multiple times, which had her feel unconsidered. Men! Be the hero and take out the trash!

  Women also want the ability to be their sexual selves. In my experience, women’s appetite for sex is significantly larger than men’s. I believe in the following viewpoint: Women want sex more than me—just not what’s on the menu.

  We live in a society where men are still more free to be open with their sex while women still face antiquated rules of puritan shame. The biases of society says their her desires are too much or slutty. Be the partner who will listen deeply and say “Yes, I approve” to all her sexual desires. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to actually engage in the practice; just be curious. Your permission will free your sex life. Men will often say “I want a woman's desire, I want her to always be turned on” until they find out what this actually may mean. It may differ from his desire and not include the threesomes, orgies, and daily sex he was hoping for. Be ready for experiences you may never have dreamed of.

  Finally, women want to be understood. I appreciate how often men can find women confusing. Their minds and their biology work very differently from yours. Their hormonal cycle, which you do not understand or comprehend, has a significant impact on their way of being. The wise man pays attention to when her cycle is occurring so he may best relate to her. Beyond biology, be curious about a woman’s mind. I often remind men to listen first and then speak. In our society, women are taught to be quiet and, if her man shows genuine interest in what she’s thinking, he will be rewarded with the greatest gift of her true self.

  These are challenging tasks to stand up inside of. Your success depends on your ability to be strong in the face of these challenges. Stand strong in your presence and know that deep down you are a good man who is on a grand adventure. Invest in your ability to have a strong back, a warm smile, and an expansive, vulnerable heart.

  Humor

  Recently, at the tail end of a workshop, I regaled Morgan with anecdotes from my communication with the intention to make her laugh. It is my greatest joy to watch her attractive face light up and to see her eyes close, and for her to release an unexpected belly laugh. I spend an extraordinary amount of time watching and noticing her, remembering little details, and bringing details I’ve noticed so she and I can share the absurdity and richness of life through laughter.

  It’s common knowledge that women like men who can make them laugh. Laughing is fun, releases endorphins, and has been described as truly the best medicine. It’s wonderful to be around a funny person.

  For some, being funny may seem very challenging. However, we all have the ability to learn how to notice life and make humorous comments about it. I have spent the last 20 years developing my humor skills by watching other people, taking improv classes, and improving my own skills.

  The power of humor is more than telling jokes. It’s an approach to every aspect of life where you acknowledge and enjoy your own humanity. Yes, it’s hard to keep your sense of humor when life throws you curveballs, but your ability to smile, shake your head, wink at god, and continue moving through your challenges makes life more enjoyable. Your partner will delight in you when you can make her laugh.

  Curiosity

  It is the nature of being human that you are instilled with a natural sense of curiosity. When you were young, the world was new and you tested every aspect of it. You would touch things, put objects into your mouth, and get into as much mischief as you could out of innocent curiosity. As you get older, either you continue being curious or start to disassociate from this human attribute.

  Women love when you are curious about them. They tend to spend an inordinate amount of time working on themselves (e.g., their appearance) and a man who notices and asks questions will instantly win points:

  Is that a new purse?

  Did you get a haircut

  Or even simply, How are you?

  Ask these questions without expectation of a particular result or reciprocated attention. Ask because you want women to know you are genuinely interested in them. Morgan describes a past boyfriend who wouldn’t even ask about her day. She requested several times that he just ask, but he replied that, after his challenging day, he was incapable of even asking a simple question. Miscue! Women want quality attention. You can be sure I ask this daily. I do this for my own pleasure, but also because I want Morgan to know how important she is to me. It is an example of a win-win cycle.

  Men and women are very different in many ways. We perceive the world through our diverse experiences, biology, and life force. Women want their various views and ideas to be—at a minimum—received by men. What they most want is for you to take the time to hear and consider them. They are less interested in you agreeing with them. They just want to be heard. They do not want to be shamed or criticized for their viewpoints, which is a common experience. In fact, they want to be rewarded for taking the risk of telling you their truth. It takes courage for them. If you practice curiosity with women in these moments, you can avoid a lot of conflict.

  When your partner does something you don’t like, your first instinct is to push back or disconnect. Instead, I’ve found that getting curious first when Morgan does something not to my liking has positively impacted our relationship. I truly want to understand her.

  Security

  In their book What Women Want, Tucker Max and Dr. Geoffrey Miller give a provocative example of the importance of security. They asked their male readers to imagine themselves as a young, inexperienced gay man at a bar on a Friday. I have paraphrased their brilliant analogy below.

  You had a long week and you are ready for some fun and excitement—perhaps even to hook up.

  You walk into the bar and see a sea of attractive men who are as tall as an NBA player, as large as an NFL linebacker, and as sexually aggressive as a stalker. As you walk in, they turn around and size you up and, even though you don’t know them, you can see their sexual desire flowing through them behind their eyes.

  Surrounded by your friends, you go to the bar and get a drink. However, within minutes, your new large friends are moving in to hit on you, buy you drinks, and touch you. They are insensitive and do not ask for consent. You start to feel deeply claustrophobic, bordering on panic. When you ask for space, they laugh and tease you about it and, rather than stop, they move in closer.

  You have a moment of clarity that these
men could, at any moment, use their physicality to have sex with you with or without your agreement. They can say anything they want, touch you, and—at worst—get thrown out of the bar, where they can go down the street and start again. Odds are, however, they are regulars in the bar and the management will chalk it up to “boys being boys.”

  You are encircled by these men. How do you feel now? Welcome to every single day of being a woman.

  Our brains are amazing. We have evolved to live in today’s chaotic world. The main part of our internal protection system consists of two small almond-shaped clusters called the amygdala, which sit on top of the brainstem near the bottom of the limbic ring. Joseph LeDoux, a neuroscientist at New York University, was the first to discover the key role of the amygdala in the emotional brain. Author Daniel Goleman describes it as a “neural tripwire” that scans every situation for potential danger. If it senses possible harm, it acts instantly, sending out a message to the entire part of the brain to react. LeDoux looked at the architecture of the brain and found that the brain sends out two electric signals. One moves quickly through the thalamus through a signal synapse and into the amygdala. The second takes a longer route to get to the neocortex. In other words, our emotional brain reacts faster than our thinking brain.

  I call a person’s relationship to their security their vigilance center. I teach men to recognize and respect its importance for women and how to co-create a safe space for them. Men and women have very different relationships to fear. I witnessed a demonstration of this difference in a workshop with author and amazing thought-leader Allison Armstrong attended by approximately 250 women and 150 men. She started the class by asking the men in the audience whether they had felt threatened in the last year. I raised my hand, along with approximately 30 other men in the room. She then asked who had felt threatened in the last two months, which left about 10 of the original 30. She kept lowering the timeframe until she got to the last 48 hours, when no man’s hand was raised. She then started off with the women, asking who had felt threatened in the last 48 hours. Approximately 75 percent of the women raised their hands. I was floored by the experience. While I knew the world was a safer place for me, I had never fully confronted the reality of how frequently women feel threatened in their daily lives.

  My practice of creating security for women occurs in every aspect of my life. In all situations, from a workshop to meeting someone new, I ask for overt consent before touching someone or even stepping close to them. If I know I wil be late for dinner, I send Morgan a text saying I’m 20 minutes behind schedule. Even in our sex life, I will often ask permission if I feel like my movement may surprise Morgan. I want to ensure she feels safe in every moment with me.

  Men are often unaware of the impact they have on women. Many believe they have a right to do as they please, regardless of the effect. I do not understand the practice of catcalling or yelling come-on’s at complete strangers on the street. We men can make a space unsafe simply by speaking too loudly and aggressively. I appreciate it is difficult to approach women you find attractive but there is a deliberate way of expressing your desire actually feels good to a woman. We men can make a space unsafe simply by speaking too loud and aggressively. In unHIDDEN, you are learning ways to be the best and most authentic man you can be.

  Like the Tucker Max’s example at the beginning of this section, women desire to be able to move around freely without fear of physical or emotional intimidation or attack. As the #MeToo movement is screaming to the world, men need to learn how to notice, feel, and then express at the proper frequency. It is on men to learn new techniques to ensure this. We need to learn the impact of our tendencies to speak loudly, touch inappropriately, and invade women’s personal space without permission. I appreciate that it can be difficult to approach women we find attractive, but there is a deliberate way of expressing desire that actually feels good to a woman. In unHIDDEN, you are learning ways to be the best and most authentic man you can be.

  Ways to have a woman feel safe:

  If you don’t know what makes her feel safe, ask. If you don’t know how to ask, then ask her how to ask. Don’t assume.

  Although there has been considerable change in the last two decades, men are still expected to make the first move around dating and initiating sexual contact. Learn how to ask for consent before the first kiss. My favorite example of how to do this comes from the movie Hitch, described below.

  Recognize where you are using force to get your way. Men tend to crowbar situations when gentle finesse would be a lot more pleasurable.

  Ask for feedback and reward it.

  If you sense her freezing up, slow all the way down.

  Consent is Sexy

  In physical intimacy, the ethos I learned while growing up was that the boy would try to get as far with the girl as she would let him and, if she said no, he would pause for a moment and then try again. It was a level of offense and defense, with the girl holding the role of traffic cop on the actions in a makeout session. During this time, the word “consent” was not part of the world’s lexicon.

  The words “date rape” first appeared in print in 1975 in Against our Will: Men, Women and Rape by Susan Brownmiller. In 1982, Ms. Magazine published an article called “Date Rape: A Campus Epidemic?” Although the term has only been around for a generation, date or acquaintance rape has been happening throughout history. Historically, wives have been viewed as their husbands’ property. It wasn’t until 1993 that all 50 states criminalized marital rape. We come from a long torrid history of men not asking for consent from the women in their lives. This is another reason women have a history of not directly asking for what they want. Once a woman feels safe with a man, inside and outside the bedroom, she can speak more directly about her desires.

  I’ve heard a common complaint (by all genders) that consent can ruin the mood and, therefore, no one wants to ask or be asked for what feels good. We are flying blind with our sexual partners and what they truly want. Women are also taught to “brave it out” and stay in unpleasurable situations until it’s done. They turn off their sensory bodies, clench their teeth, and let the men do as they please.

  I am a strong believer in consent. The way for a woman to feel safe in your presence is for you to (a) up your attention and (b) ask for consent along the way. This doesn’t mean you need to ask for every point of physical interaction. However, it’s best to give her the space to make choices.

  I loved Will Smith’s education of Kevin James’ character Albert in the movie Hitch on how to kiss his dream woman for the first time. He counsels the helpless Albert to come 90 percent of the way for the first kiss and then to allow the woman to cross the last 10 percent. I agree with this concept. By doing the work and taking the risk, you are showing the woman your intent and desire while also allowing her the choice to have that experience with you or not.

  Consent can be discussed before you make it to the bedroom. I would recommend taking the time during the courting/getting-to-know-you stage to find out the woman’s wishes about her level of consent. It can be titillating just talking about the first kiss before it happens. I understand that you can also talk this to death—which I do not recommend, so find the balance with your prospective partner.

  Him: Can we talk about something a little serious?

  Her: Hmm … it depends. What’s on your mind?

  Him: It feels like we’ve been getting closer over these last few months and I want to have a conscious and deliberate conversation about sexuality. I’m not trying to rush you into having sex with me, but I would like to talk about things like STDs, consent, and what you like and don’t like. Better to be deliberate than to bumble around in the dark.

  Her: Well, then … I do like when a man is direct. Yes, let’s talk about it.

  Result: Connection!

  Consent can also be extended past sex. It can be used to find out a woman’s desires on matters such as the frequency of communication, words that work for her, an
d how she wants you to act in the future. I have used consent language to build the solid foundation of my relationship.

  Him: I’ve got an unusual question for you.

  Her: Oh really? I like unusual questions.

  Him: I’m going away for a business trip in a few weeks. It’s our first one while we’re dating. I’m not sure what your desires are about communication while I’m away. Do you have any thoughts on how often you want us to chat?

  Her: That’s a nice question, I feel considered. Well, I assume you’ll be busy with your clients. How about we do a check-in once in the morning and once before we go to bed. It will let me know you’re thinking of me.

  Him: Connect via text or phone?

  Her: Let’s start off with text and, if it’s convenient, we can jump on the phone for a few moments.

  Him: That’ll work. Thank you for letting me know what feels good to you.

  Her: Thanks for asking. That was the first time a guy has ever cared enough to ask.

  Result: Connection!