Unhidden
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As an example, here are some of mine:
Self-judgment
How it affects me
Its origins
I am not important enough to write a book and this is all a waste of time. No one is going to read it and, if they do, it will not have the impact that I hope it does.
I live in self-doubt when it comes to writing this book. I do not write as much as I want to. I second guess this process over and over, wasting time.
Because I was ashamed about my body, I learned to live, work, and create behind the scenes. I got good at pulling strings from behind the curtain. I excelled at being someone else’s second in command, but now I struggle when it’s my own brand.
Regardless of how much working out I do, I still have a gut. It is unattractive. While my shoulders and arms look good, as soon as my glance lands on my midsection, I feel unsatisfied with my body. I wonder if I will ever feel 100% free here.
I hide my body and don’t feel comfortable displaying it. At the gym, if my shirt starts to get too tight, I wonder if people notice. I am not looking forward to beach time. I am worried about how I will be perceived.
My grandmother’s untreated eating disorder. My mother’s angst about my body. The mixed messages from my mom and dad.
Exercise Four: Meditation on Your Future Self
The word “koan” is defined as a paradox to be meditated upon that is used to train Zen Buddhist monks to abandon ultimate dependence on reason and to force them into gaining sudden intuitive enlightenment. When I was learning my sitting meditation practice, my teacher would give me a small riddle to occupy my very busy monkey mind and help me to focus better.
Classic koans are “What is the sound of one hand clapping?,” “Does a tree make a sound in a forest if it falls and no one is there to hear it?,” or my favorite, “How do you drink chai from an empty cup?”
In the exercise below, use this koan: “What does my ideal life look like?” If you have a regular meditation practice, please assume your preferred position and engage. If you’re new to meditation, I would offer the following simple setup.
Find a quiet and safe space where you can comfortably sit for a while.
Silence your electronic devices.
Set your alarm for a period of time where you can stay in position. I would recommend 10 or 15 minutes to start.
Fold your hands onto your lap or thighs.
Close your eyes.
Breathe in through your mouth and out through your nose. Keep breathing in and out. Put your attention on your breath.
Ask yourself the question, “What does my ideal life look like?”
Sit in silence until your alarm goes off. Write about your experience on the portal.
Exercise Five: Your Esteemable Acts
My new client painted a dire picture for me. He was divorced, recovering from a car accident, broke, had bad tobacco and marijuana habits, and was feeling very stuck. He was living in the basement, both physically and energetically. I gave him the following exercise to move from the subterrain world he was living in to the next level of his evolution.
Part one
Create three levels of goals.
Short-term (something you can do in the next 30 days)
Mid-term (tasks you can accomplish in the next 6 months
Long-term (tasks that are attainable but will take longer)
Fill out the following chart with at least three goals for each level.
Short-term goal
How will I know whether I succeeded?
Goal #1
Result #1
Goal #2
Result #2
Goal #3
Result #3
Goal #4
Result #4
Goal #5
Result #5
Short-term goal
How will I know whether I succeeded?
Goal #1
Result #1
Goal #2
Result #2
Goal #3
Result #3
Goal #4
Result #4
Goal #5
Result #5
Long-term goal
How will I know whether I succeeded?
Goal #1
Result #1
Goal #2
Result #2
Goal #3
Result #3
Goal #4
Result #4
Goal #5
Result #5
Fill in each task with as much detail as possible. How will you know when you’ve accomplished each goal? How will you feel when it's accomplished? Feel free to make the goals—especially the short-term goals—simple and attainable.
Here are some examples from each category:
Cut cigarettes down from a pack to 10/day (short-term)
Go to the gym 3x/week (short-term)
Create and maintain a food diary (short-term)
Lose 10 pounds (mid-term)
Save $1,000 (mid-term)
Apply to college (long-term)
Stop smoking (long-term)
Here is my chart:
Short-term goal
How will I know whether I succeeded?
Create the schedule of going to the gym 3x/week and have one cardio day outside of it.
Print out a blank month’s calendar to track my monthly schedule. Mark each successful day with a big red X and then review.
Read a minimum of three books per month.
Organize my books so I know which ones I’ve completed inside the calendar month.
Call my mom 1x/week.
Set a calendar entry on my phone to remind myself.
Mid-term goal
How will I know whether I succeeded?
Finish and publish unHIDDEN.
When I have that first copy in my hot little hands.
Create and sell a successful communication course in Los Angeles.
When I am standing in front of the room on September 22nd. It will be successful regardless of who is in the room. Just that it happened.
Create a community of friends—one dinner party per month.
When we have a regular schedule of events and we have options to ask and offer to friends.
Long-term goal
How will I know whether I succeeded?
Speaking career—speaking agent, platform, and by end of 2019, have four talks/year.
I’ll know when I review the year on Dec 31, 2019 and see how many gigs I had that year and how many planned for the next one.
Income without my stipend. A large enough income to provide for my family with a minimum of $100K going to savings/year.
Check the numbers on December 31, 2019 and see if these numbers are what I have.
Two 10-men masterminds/year. Build a team to support it. Transform from 1x1 coaching to group programs.
When I have two masterminds running and easy enrollment which is stress-free and fun.
Part two
Acquire an accountability partner. He (or they, perhaps) will witness you on your journey to build your self-esteem. This person does not act as a coach or a mentor, just someone who can cheer you on your journey. I’ve created the free Facebook group, Living unHIDDEN, for just this task. Feel free to create a daily post with the outcome of your journey.
If you prefer to work with an intimate friend or existing coach, I recommend that you send them a daily email with your progress. For my clients, I ask them to send me the following:
What steps you accomplished today towards your goals?
What actions did you take that were antithetical to your goals?
What are your plans for tomorrow?
Each day, be 100 percent self-aware and pour your results into that email. Celebrate your successes and notice where you stopped yourself short. The person who receives the email may comment, but they do not have to. The emails are for you and not for them. Another option can be, if you so dare, to post your results on social media. Whew! That might bring up some emotio
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YOUR NEXT STEPS
Dance After Your Success
I learned an important viewpoint from my friend and colleague Eva Clay. In a lecture I attended, she said this: “Your brain, from a biological level, doesn’t know the difference between a small success and a big one.” In other words, it doesn’t know whether you have taken out the trash or won the Nobel Peace Prize. Eva explains this phenomenon from two aspects of your biology: the release of dopamine based on stimuli and your reticular activating system (RAS). Dopamine is nature’s way of encouraging us to continue to do good things. When released, a pleasant sensation floods your body and you feel on top of the world. Unfortunately, the brain can’t discern whether the stimulus for the dopamine release is good for you (like a massage) or bad for you (like a hit of cocaine).
The RAS is part of your visual cortex and acts as a filtering system. In today’s world, you are flooded with an overwhelming amount of visual stimuli and your biology blocks out any distractions that are not needed to achieve its current mission. For example, if you’re looking for a red sock in your laundry basket, your RAS will filter out the other-colored socks until you find what you’re looking for. However, If you don’t tell your system your mission (looking for a sock), it will default to your basic survival techniques and past experiences. That’s why being deliberate in your self-talk when you want to achieve something is highly important. If you are not specific, your brain goes into default mode.
You do this with all aspects of your life. When you set our mind on a goal (e.g., a great career), then your focus and attention are fully on attaining this goal. You filter out all the distractions to work your way up that ladder of achievement. There is a shadow side as well. How often are you distracting yourself from other important aspects of your life (relationship, fatherhood, health) in the blind pursuit of these goals? Do you go against your integrity to hit your objectives?
From my perspective, you can view every choice you’ve ever made from either fear or desire. We are trained to make our decisions out of fear to avoid something. For example, I had a client who wanted to be an artist. When he was in school, he ran short of money and asked his parents for help. They refused because they didn’t deem his higher education choice a proper path. He acquiesced and chose another career to ensure that he had the support (financial and emotional) of his family. His whole life trajectory altered because of that decision.
How you prioritize what you see is based on what you tell your brain. It is where your biology meets your psychology. Many of us have trouble either saying nice things to ourselves or receiving compliments. We minimize the good in our lives, always expecting the other shoe to drop. It is very important to reverse this practice and start celebrating the small steps forward.
Eva describes how, every single time she makes a sale for her business, no matter how small, she does a victory dance. She is training her brain to look for success and, therefore, when she sees it, her body will produce a hit of dopamine, having her feel good. I am not suggesting that you specifically get up and have a dance party, but to find a specific activity where you overtly acknowledge your success. I admit I do a little dance move in my chair and raise my fist in victory everytime I see an invoice paid. Find your way to celebrate your victories. Success begets more success. Joy begets more joy. Authenticity brings more intimacy.
I Stand With You
For the record, I know without a doubt that my journey of learning, growth, and expansion continues. I am not speaking as a man who has it all figured out. In fact, I still have many unpotentialized aspects of myself, toxic behaviors, and viewpoints that disrupt intimacy. However, I have significantly shifted from a boy who was deeply hidden to a man who now lives free. I’ve made many significant mistakes in both my personal life and my professional career. My point is this: Life will continue to throw you lessons; some will feel like amazing successes and others, miserable failures. Our shortcomings can feel harsh, but a master takes them, uses them, and turns them into his greatest teachers.
I write this book not from a point of “I’m done evolving,” but from the viewpoint “I’ve been down these holes before and I can show you the way out of them.” My favorite thing about myself is I continue to be a hardcore student of life who knows there is still much to experience and learn. We’re on this path together, brother. I wrote this book for you because I want to make an impact in the world and in your world. When you’re a happier man, then odds are the people around you are happier and that propagates out to a universal truth that good sensations beget more good sensations. We can change the world one upleveled behavior at a time.
As previously noted, my teacher Victor Baranco said that the secret to life was to be nice. I would add a simple sentence to the legacy: “Stop lying (to yourself) and live unHIDDEN.” Stop lying. It’s that simple and yet that hard. Stop lying to yourself first and foremost and unveil the secrets inside of you that want to be revealed. No matter how much yoga or reading or meditation you do, if you are not willing to confront all of yourself, you’ll remain imprisoned by your shadow. From there, you’ll take those around you hostage as well, and you will all suffocate in your self-imposed prison.
I’ve been told books should have a happy Hollywood type of ending that makes everyone feel good so they’ll tell their friends to buy it so they can feel good too. This is not that kind of book with that kind of ending because the only one who can do the work described here—the only one who can uplevel your life—is you. Even if I were right beside you and you hired me to work with you eight hours per day, I couldn’t make you be or do anything. Sure, I could motivate you but, in the end, the success or failure would be on you. The good news is that I’ve laid out pretty much all my best tricks, ideas, concepts, and viewpoints in this book so you can do the work on your own.
So, maybe, there is a place for a sweet ending. Here it is: I believe in you and I believe you can do it. I know if I could find my way out of my wallflower-esque, self-defeating, nice-guy syndrome, you can too.
Live unHIDDEN, my brother. I know it will not be an easy journey, but I guarantee every step towards it will bring your life off the charts of what you ever thought was possible.
And please remember the Ignited Man exercise:
You’re a good man.
You’re a good man.
You’re a good man.
FOR THOSE CONFUSED BY MEN
I wrote this book primarily for men because I have noticed there is a dearth of modern books written for men to live successfully and free in today’s world. However, I also wrote it for you because I know my gender can be confusing. My hope is that the previous chapters offer ideas and concepts to illuminate why we do the things we do. I also wanted to include this section full of essays I wrote specifically for you.
CONCEPT 01
WE’VE CREATED THIS MESS TOGETHER
This may come out a little harsh, but it’s time to put all our cards on the table. Women, you have co-created this experience of men not understanding how to interact with you. Yes, I understand that it is easier—and legally sound—to blame men for being men. Or more specifically, for acting like boys. I am not trying to give men an excuse. Throughout this entire book I have been telling them that they need to uplevel their behavior. Still, this doesn’t let you off the hook. It could be said that this book is written from the viewpoint: “Men are dumb and women are angry.”
Part of the reason men are dumb is that you will not tell them the truth. I know you have all had sexual experiences that were completely unpleasurable to outright painful and you didn’t say a single word about it. You just smiled, got dressed, and—if possible—never saw the guy again. Or maybe you were willing to put up with awful sex because it wasn’t worth rocking the boat. Or perhaps you had another agenda that the truth might have messed with. I’m not talking about situations where the truth could lead to violence or even death. I appreciate the tenderness of those situations. I’m
talking about all the instaces when it was inconvenient to tell him the truth and through which you have now become a co-conspirator for his ignorance.
I ask this for my fellow man: Please, please, please start telling him the truth. Show him the error of his ways and how to do better. Do the same service that Justine did for me that changed my life. Say, “I don’t like the way you kiss or smell or go down on me or talk to me in front of your friends.” Tell him the truth so he can know what you want. And if he isn’t willing to listen, then offer him one more chance to wake up or leave him and find a man who will respect your desires.
It’s time to stop emasculating men because you are afraid of their reactions. It is time to teach them how to be with you. Not from a should position, but from a place of opportunity. Do it for yourself, do it for your children, and do it for mankind in general.
CONCEPT 02
INSPIRE HIM WITH YOUR TRUTH
We minimize our relationships by withholding the truth. The greatest gift you can give the man in your life is your truth. I know without a doubt the reason this book now exists, my relationship is so amazing, and my life is as exciting as it is: women telling me the truth. I am grateful that Carol sat and cried next to me in Erwan’s class. She communicated to me how little I knew and how much I had to learn. My journey began with her willingness to show me her inside world.